relocating children

[tlgatto]

I met the love of my life online 2 years ago and we live 800 miles apart. He's so wonderful to me, but we only get to see each other about once a month.

 

He wants me to come there and marry him... but my children don't want to leave their hometown. They are 14, 16 and 6.

And they are real set in their ways, friends.. etc.

Plus my father passed away a year ago, and they would feel like they were "deserting" my mom, because they are so close to her.

 

I have had crappy relationships, my two oldest kids have a father who is an alcoholic who doesn't have anything to do with them, and my youngest daughter's dad tries, but likes to do his own thing too. He's not too into being a father.

 

I have raised my 3 children by myself, and everyone who knows me says that I really deserve to have someone who really loves me and who I can share my life with. Our relationship is awesome and I can't imagine my life without him in it.

 

I am torn being him and my children. Either way I go I am going to piss someone off. It's almost as if I am having to choose between them. My brothers and sisters have offered to keep them here until they go to college. ( the oldest two, of course, the little one is going with me!)

 

What should i do?

[clia]

This might sound a little harsh, but...

 

When you had your three kids, they became the top priority in your life. You absolutely have to consider their needs and what is going to be best for them. They officially come before you and your relationship.

 

Is it really the right decision to take them 800 miles away from their grandmother, friends, etc.? It would be terrible to drag the 16 year old out of high school when s/he only has 1-2 years left. By the time s/he's ready to go, your 14 year old will be in the same position. They will resent you because it becomes difficult to make friends during junior/senior year in high school. Everyone already has their cliques and lifelong friends. They will feel like outcasts and will hate that they have to graduate from high school with people they hardly know. Think they'll want to attend that 10 year reunion? Doubtful.

 

Why do YOU have to move? Can't he move? Other than the fact that he's there, how do you feel about NewCity? Do you know anyone there? Will you be able to find a job there? Are the schools good? How often will you be able to visit OldCity so your kids can see their grandmother and friends? I don't think leaving your two oldest with someone else is the right decision--they are your responsibility, and don't you want to be around for their sports events, honors nights, dates, etc.? You don't want to miss this valuable time with them.

 

Personally, I'd never uproot my entire life for a man, but that's just me.

 

And frankly, you say you "can't imagine your life without him in it," but he is NOT in your life. Talking on the phone, via e-mail, visiting once a month, etc. do not a relationship make. Have you even spent a substantial amount of time with him? Are you sure you know what you are getting into? Anyone can seem great and perfect when you aren't dealing with them on a day to day basis. You really get to know someone when you see them every day, which it doesn't sound like you've done. I know you've known him for two years, but you still don't really KNOW him. Isn't there anyone in real life you could date?

 

I'd say that after your two oldest are out of school and away at college, it would be fine to move, if it is best for you. Your youngest will be young enough to manage. But I'd think long and hard about it if I were you. That's a HUGE decision.

[velvet]

Be sure of this before you uproot and move the kids. Maybe you should consider taking a month to go stay with him. Bring your youngest daughter along, if your family is willing to care for the others for a few weeks while you visit this man. Spending as much time with this man as possible, be sure before jumping into something your unsure of with kids involved.

 

If this man turns out to be a prince and at the end of the month the both of you agree to move there, theres absolutely nothing wrong with up rooting the family. In fact It might be a blessing in disguise.

 

The kids will always make new friends. However, you have to know this man inside and out before you do.

[tlgatto]

No, you were not harsh, (except the part about dating someone in real life) I appreciate all of the comments. It has really made me think. Half of my family (siblings and their wives) think that I should go and not let the kids run my life and the other half don't want me to go. It's about a halfway split from all my friends also.

 

We have spent weeks at a time together. Last summer my mom and quite a few other people in my family all went to his house on vacation and went whitewater rafting and stayed at his house.

When I go there for a week at a time, the kids go with me. They really like him and like it there........ they just like it here also.

 

He has said he will wait for me as long as I want him to. He's not going anywhere and loves me no matter what I decide. We both know we will be together forever sooner or later..... probably later, though!

 

He will be here for memorial day for a week, and is staying with my brother and his wife who are both his age. We postponed the wedding until I decide what I am going to do. It was supposed to be this summer.

Thanks for your concern!

[clia]

Oh, good, well then you have spent some time together! (Sorry, but you never know with people who post on this board! )

 

I really don't think that by not going now you are letting your kids run your life. You really need to consider what is in their best interest as well. Kids appreciate stability and having relatives around, even though they might not realize it at the time. When they are older, they will realize it, and look back on you putting your life on hold (if you choose to do so) with very much respect. At 14 or 16 we think our parents are stupid people who have no life, but once we hit the 20s and up, we really begin to realize all the things they did for us. (I'm sure you can relate.) I just don't want your kids to resent you for dragging them away from their family and friends. (I may be biased, but my mom did a similar kind of thing to me, and although I'm older and have had a chance to consider it, I still have some negative reactions to it.)

 

I definitely don't think you should get married until you decide how and where you are going to be able to build a life together.

 

You said that your brother and wife are his age...iis he a lot older than you? (I am glad he's not staying with you, though. That shows SOOOO much respect for your kids. Good for you!)

[tlgatto]

He's 5 yrs. older than me. Him and my brother really hit it off from the beginning. They're just alike!

[witchbreed]

If you and your bf are sure and he does get along with the kids and is willing to take on this further responsiblity I would think, that the kids will be able to adapt. Sure they are very important, on the other hand, our society demands flexiblity of people, moving for jobs and so on ... So they might have difficulties in the beginning, maybe some lower grades to beginn with, but they will learn a lot for their future too.

 

I have moved with my kids, even out of my country - and they have very well adapted. They have become more mature and independent. Furthermore loving kids means too that you will have to let them go someday to live their own lifes. If you postpone your own, that might lead to heavy resentments on your part, once they want to move out. And a happy mother is better able to cope with kids anyway.

 

About leaving the older ones with your family, if thats the wish of both of them, I guess it would not hurt them too much. But then the little one would be deprieved of his/her siblings and actually the change would be bigger for all the kids, then moving away together. If its treated like it was boarding school though and they spend all their vacations with you - I guess that would be a real good compromise.

 

Have a talk, an earnest talk with all of them. Explain about your feelings, what are your wishes and what compromises you are willing to make for them.

 

I wish you luck. But really - kids are always very scared to move from what they know - and in no time, they will have new friends and like the new place. Anyway that happened with mine.

[MandiDoll]

I think it's great that you are even considering your kids in making this decision- many parents would not. But I can understand how they are feeling.. I'm a bit young myself, and I wouldn't really be too happy to leave all my friends because either my father or my mother had a romantic whim they wished to act on.

But your happiness is important too, so try to make them understand that this man makes you happy, if they aren't already know that. They are your children, and they do love you, so they want you to be happy, as you wish for them to be happy as well. Just try to make the adjustment as easy as possible. If you decide to move, take them to visit him and meet new people so they won't feel so alone when they get to live there permanently.

You really are a terrific mother for putting your children first.. all children should be so lucky.

[Stormdesire]

If i may ask you,how or when did you fell you were in love with him ? how did you meet ? the reason for these questions is i meet my boyfriend on the internet also and i just would like to know how you came to be where the two of you stand now ! i would really love to hear your story, so if you dont mind please let me know thankyou.

[Ally Boo]

Well, if your kids are so gun ho to stay, why don't you just let them stay with their grandmother, and you make sure you see them every week? I mean I dunno, that might be considered deserting your kids, but I mean, if he can't move with you, and you can't move with them....sit down and talk to them. Let them know how important this is to you, and how important they are to you. And how much happier you'd be.

I mean, you're the grown-up, you don't HAVE to consider their feelings, but you should. Try working out a compromise. I mean, by up rooting your kids, you are totally changing their life....but changing yours too. They are your first responsibility. They depend on you...and it sounds like you have a really good man.