I'm gonna try to see if I can get a second chance...

[Kelso]

Hello everyone -

 

Long story short. Broke up three weeks ago and I miss her more than everything in the world. The breakup was mutual agreement, but after we broke up I realized that I miss her so much and care a lot about her. I contacted her and we had a great chat and I asked her if she wanted to try better. She gave it a thought but said she wanted to be single for now. I know for sure that she is not dating other guys right now.

 

I have used the time to analyse what was wrong in our relationship and have come to the conclusion that I was probably too needy and a bit jelous when she wanted to spend time without me. I am more than ready on working on my things to get everything straight. Therefore after the first week of our breakup I decided to have no contact for some time. When I'm dying to call her I always log on to LS and you guys have given me so much strength.

 

However, next week I am gonna give her a call and try to have a nice chat about everything other than the relationship.

 

What bothers me is that I don't really know what I want for sure. I know I want this girl back into my life. I care too much about her to let her go. But one moment I think that it's not such a good idea to try to get her back, but the other I'm all crazy about her. Everyone I know says that this is something that a relationship needs sometimes. Couples to spend time apart and learn to appreciate each other. At least I hope so...

 

I just had to pour my brain out here and ask for some positive support...

 

Can you give it to me ...

[WiseOne]

Time apart for couples can do alot of good, and also it can do alot of bad.

 

The good part - people in the relatiosnhip may learn to appreciate eachother.

 

The bad part - people in the relationship may even begin to wonder what they seen in the person in the first place.

 

Try nc (No Contact) if there was ever any love between the 2, progress will be made, you wanna try nc becuz if gives both people the chance to see what they really want, and gives them the time to see were the relationship went wrong, and what needs improvement.

 

Maybe speak to her every now and then, but space the calls out you wanna keep her wondering. Becuz if you stay talking to her or stay friends with her it wouldnt give her time to miss you, she'll still have you in someway so theres really not a reason to get back together. Ya Know.

 

You wanna make her see what life is without you.

[Kelso]

Thanks for your reply

 

It's true that you are saying, that time apart can do us both good and bad. After three weeks of seperation and two weeks of absolutly no contact - I have given this relationship a lot of thought. I have found out that I care a lot for this girl, even more than before we broke up - and now I'm less "afraid" to tell her what I think of her.

 

I don't know what is on her mind right now, but after I called her few times (only 3-4 times though) the first week we broke up, I found out that it wasn't gonne do me any good so I decided to lay low and give her the time she said she needed. I wanted to give her the space she needs to miss me.

 

People have been giving me advices from all directions. Some people tell me that she's probably testing me (to see how far I'd go to get her back), some people say that she wants me to call her (probably right in the right amount of phonecalls). I don't know exactly what to do ... but I'm gonna call her next week and have a friendly casual "what's up" talk with her. Then I'm gonna decide the next steps

 

I just need your support to make me feel better

 

I really really hope I can get her back - I miss her so much - I mean ... there wasn't actually that much wrong with our relationship ... at least not things that are easily fixable from my side

[WiseOne]

Well some people might have a point there, it comes everynow and then in a serious relationship that a girl would test you just to see howe far you will go, to see if your love is true, i went thru it before and it was a test, but one day was the real thing and i started to wish it was a test.

 

See i thought ahead in my relationship though, i tried as hard as i could to get her back for 5 months str8, telling her how i feel and calling her all the time.

 

I did that to show her i did love her and i did try so then the ball is in her yard. And one day i jus woke up and though wait a second!!!!

 

"I wasnt the only perosn in the relationship"

 

"I wasnt the one who wanted to break up"

 

"I wasnt the blame for the relationship ending"

 

So with that i though maybe i should let her do some of the trying and when she did start trying she wanted me back, but then stuff would get in the way.

 

So what im sayin is let her do a lil tryin, a lil calling

[pjammer]

Well some people might have a point there, it comes everynow and then in a serious relationship that a girl would test you just to see howe far you will go, to see if your love is true, i went thru it before and it was a test, but one day was the real thing and i started to wish it was a test.

 

See i thought ahead in my relationship though, i tried as hard as i could to get her back for 5 months str8, telling her how i feel and calling her all the time.

 

I did that to show her i did love her and i did try so then the ball is in her yard. And one day i jus woke up and though wait a second!!!!

 

"I wasnt the only perosn in the relationship"

 

"I wasnt the one who wanted to break up"

 

"I wasnt the blame for the relationship ending"

 

So with that i though maybe i should let her do some of the trying and when she did start trying she wanted me back, but then stuff would get in the way.

 

So what im sayin is let her do a lil tryin, a lil calling

What is a good time frame for NC? It has been just over 1 week for me, and it is killing me. Fact of the matter is that I dont think she wants to talk because she didnt respond to my emails or calls that I left for her before starting NC. Long story short, I didnt tell her the truth about some things (didnt cheat on her or anything), and I completely regret it, and didnt do it intentionally. We went out for 8 months, and she is the love of my life. I would do absolutely anything for her. So how long is long enough for NC before I call her again, or if/when she calls me?

[WiseOne]

Well im gonna advise to some of you new guys to go back to the older post of this board, guys back then really expressed the rituals and rules of no contact.

 

But i do know there are diffrent kinds of NC. Thats not the baddest thing in the world if she doesnt answer any of your calls or emails, i think alot of females do this, and alot of times its just a their fault for the breakup and they do it.

 

Theres no such time frame for NC, everyones went thru that period that they messed up and called there ex, but if you do call, you should call every blue moon, i mean maybe every month or so, you may back your ex until a corner, until she even starts calling you 3 or 4 times a week.

 

But let me warn you, just because the ex is calling you dont get your hopes up, often times they want a ego boost, or just calling to make sure your still waiting around for them.

 

If you guys look at some older post from maybe a year back or so, you will see that Nc really does work if done correctly. **** THERE ARE ALOT OF SUCCESS STORIES ABOUT PEOPLE GETTING BACK TOGETHER BECAUSE OF NC****.

 

But then some people never get back together.

[WiseOne]

But in your case you should wait until she comes out of her hiding place and calls you, and then you should start to call every now and then.

 

And yea emails, and text messages, and instant messages and notes are breaking nc.

[Spinderella]

You have recieved wise advice from wiseone. I would like to add to that if I can. Unless there were any games played or untruths spoken rashly in anger, or confused messages coming from you when you last had contact with her, then all you can do at this point is NC.

Of course at the end of a relationship and when we are hurting, it feels better to think we have some control over the outcome. It feels as though if we take no action we will get no result. Frequently many different actions are taken when the last action failed, and we become desperate thinking a different action can get a different result.

The truth is, that you have no control over her feelings for you, but you do have a control to how you deal with this fact.

Sometimes the ex is in some confusion still, but all that hanging around will do at this point is allow them to work through those feelings and get over you. When the ex begins to panic about you not being around anymore, it only takes a single call/text/email to remind her that you're still there. Then she can relax again and deal with getting over you again.

There really is no gain from breaking NC.

If you really honestly feel that you have not adequately and clearly explained your feelings and desires to her, then explain once, telling her that the ball is now in her court, and then NC.

So that is one benefit of NC. The other which is even more important, is that it allows you to work through your own feelings. You stated that you were needy in the relationship, then learn not to be needy now, by sticking to NC and dealing with whatever feelings arise in you that cause you to seek reassurance. Then if you do get back with her, you will no longer fall into the same problems, and if you don't get back with her, but find somebody else, you won't bring the same problems into the next relationship. There are many personal gains like this to NC.

Good luck.

[WiseOne]

Spinderella Is Correct, NC does give the girl the time to miss you.

 

Im going to tell you a story about my ex, we went together for 1 Year and 8 Months, we had a great great great relationship until it started to go sour and she broke up with me.

 

After that i called and called, she didnt even wanna talk to me, she was treating me like i was the one in the wrong, and i wasnt.

She went one month, and i mean mannnnnnnnnnnn was the breakup crazy i mean false stuff being said, everybody accusing and lieing to eachother.

IT WAS THE HIGHLIGHT OF OUR HIGHSCHOOL FOR ATLEST 2 MONTHS.

 

So once i stopped calling her and went on NC, she started to call me, after i swore she couldnt stand my voice.

But it took her one months to start plotting and trying to get back with me, she used the advantage that we shared alot of the same friends she would ask them all kinds of information and they would come back and repeat it to me.

 

****ALWAYS STAY AWAY FROM FRIENDS WHEN YOU AND THE EX SHARE THE SAME FRIENDS, IT WILL BREAK NC****

 

So even though i wasnt talking to her she would use our friends to get all up in my bussiness. So i started to notice and then i just flipped the script. And once i shut them out of my personal life, she had no choice than to contact me. We almost got back together alot of times,but something always got in the way.

[WiseOne]

So Friends can break NC, but then they also can make your ex run back to you, if they make it seem you are doing so good with a new girl or guy it makes the ex start to panic.

 

And alot of times exes really dont wanna lose you forever, alot of times they really do just wanna date around.

 

****BUT NO MATTER WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE, I'VE NEVER ON THIS SITE OR IN PERSON SEEN A COUPLE GET BACK TOGETHER WITHOUT NC.

[Kelso]

Things for all your replies, they are helping me so much.

 

Today there are exactly three weeks since we broke up. I haven't had any contact since monday two weeks ago (11 days). I decided to delete her and all her friends from my MSN - but I realized that wasn't gonna do me any good and looked childish so I added them back.

 

There is this one friend of her which I spoke a lot to on MSN this summer, but decided to lower our contact after the breakup. Now we chat occasionally - but I never contact her first. She always starts the chats.

 

For the past couple of days she has been asking me kind of strange questions. Earlier today she asked me if I'd been in any contact with my ex. I simply said...no...which is true. Why is she asking me this...why doesn't she just ask her friend, my ex? Then she saw a photo of friend of mine (girl) on my MySpace and she asked me if I wasn't just gonna hook up with her. She doesn't know her at all. Is it my ex checking what I'm doing through her?

 

My ex hasn't called me since the day we broke up. I don't know what it means, but probably:

a) She doesn't wanna talk to me ever again (unlikely because it was a mutual breakup)

b) She thinks that it would hurt me to hear from her. Which I believe is wrong.

c) She doesn't know what to do.

 

I don't know what she's thinking (and of course I don't ask our mutual friend). It's hard to act so cold ... especially when you want her so bad.

 

Thanks again for all your replies guys ... it means a lot to me

[WiseOne]

Of course, shes checking through her, but if this girl is a real friend she should be ok with working both ways, becuz thats what was going on in my sistuation, we had the same friends, but they would go back and tell her my info and also tell me her info.

 

This girl is messing up your NC, thru her your ex still knows whats goin on when it comes to you, another reason not to miss you, i mean how can she miss you if your friend is goin back telling your information, yall might as well be talking.

 

But you dont need to start contacting her until she contacts you, there are diffrent types of nc, (Strict NC), (Restricted NC), right now your at strict nc, and once she starts contacting you, u can move to restricted but when you do that make sure you space the calls so so so so so far away from eachother.

 

And always let them know yoru doin good, and that other girls are interested in you, even if there not.

[Spinderella]

It could always be that her friend is actually interested in you herself. These things, anything in fact can only be speculation at this point. There is only one way that you will know that she wants to make another go of things, and that is if she comes up to you and says so.

It is not neccessarily childish to cut off contact with those around her, and nor does it make you look bad for saying so if you are mutual friends and you wish to give an explanation. There is nothing wrong with wanting to heal and mend yourself and in fact looking after yourself shows and earns more respect, so long as your methods are respectable.

[Kelso]

Thanks again guys...

 

I don't think her friend has a special interest in me, as she has a boyfriends and has told me that she loves him really really much.

 

About the NC - that's true that it is a kind of contact if it's through a mutual friend. But always when I talk to her, I act really really cool. Like I told her that I was going with my friend and some of his other friends (lots of girls) to a club tonight. I also posted a blog on my website and asked my friend (which none of my other friends know) - to comment and act like she's hitting on me. The point is to make her jelous.

 

Like you guys said, I'm gonna maintain no contact ... but it's kind of hard knowing that she hasn't even called me since we broke up.

 

When I deleted all of her friends from my MySpace one of her friends could tell through some program that I deleted her and she sent me an SMS asking me what's all the drama is about. I replied and explained my situation and she understood what I was saying.

 

God it's hard to know that I'm going clubbing tonight - and that she's going clubbing tonight but we won't be together. Especially hard because of all the guys who constantly hit on her. I guess I must leave my cell at home tonight

[Kelso]

One more thing that I've been thinking about. I wasn't the one being dumped. It was a mutual agreement like I said before ... should I still wait for her to contact or what?

[WiseOne]

Well it took a full month for my ex to contact me

[Kelso]

Okay ... NC broke last night ...

 

I met her at a club - which was a coincidence. I went to a club with my friend. I barelly had walked through the door when I saw her sitting there with her friends. I probably shoud have turned around and walked out, but I walked the other way and straight to the toilets. I had to get my head clear.

 

I decided to walk back in and I pretended that i didn't see her or her friends while I walked by her table. I went to the dancefloor thinking that it was a great opportunity to make her jelous. Few minutes later she came with her friends to the dancefloor and I said hello to them all. Just hello and how are you doing talk which lasted for half a minute. Then I continued to dance with friend of mine who is a girl.

 

I didn't ask her for a dance, I didn't buy her a drink, I treated her like her friends, no pedestal crap. God it was hard to see her dance and to see all the guys hitting on her.

 

About half an hour later she left with her friends (without saying goodbye). God I wanted to go with them - but I decided that I was just gonna pretend she wasn't even there so I just let them walk without speaking any more to them. I left minutes after they left and just went home.

 

We spent hour and a half in the same club. That must be a sign that she is not trying to exclude me from her life. If she didn't want anything to do with me at all, she would probably have left when they first saw me.

 

I'm planning on call her on Tuesday/Wednesday - as it was a mutual breakup. I wasn't being dumped. She might have the same feeling as I have. I don't know. But I'm really thinking of calling her next week for a casual chat. A lot has happened in my life for the last three weeks that I can tell her about ... so I'm thinking about calling her and see how she's doing.

 

But I probably think I did right with not talking too much to her. Just leave her to her friends. At least my friend, who was with me last night told me that I was the winner. I did everything right. Still I have a strange feeling in my stomach...but that's probably just from seeing her

 

I love this girl more than ever now

[Spinderella]

Does she know how you feel about her, and that you want her back?

What was the last thing you said to her regarding your relationship/feelings?

[Kelso]

We broke up three weeks ago. I went to see her later that day after I had thought it all through and I poured my heart out. I took her hand and placed it on my chest so she could feel my heartbeat. She thought that I was having a stroke and told me to sit down

 

While we were in a relationship I never told her I really loved her. I didn't want to unless I really meant it. I was so stupid not to tell her. We met again few days later (I came to her house surprisingly) and asked if she wanted to give it another chance and she thought about it but still said no, I just wanna be single for now.

 

Then I realized that I couldn't do anything - except give her all the time and space she needs. That's why I haven't contacted her for the last two weeks. Like I said earlier, it was a mutual agreement, but over the time I think that I started to think of it like she broke up with me.

 

Long story short: Yes, I poured my heart out to her and she knows excatly how I feel about her. She still said that she couldn't feel the butterflies in the stomach anymore and wasn't sure if she loved me anymore.

 

I can't believe how fast it ended - I miss her so much...

[Spinderella]

If she already knows how you feel, then there really is nothing you can do but NC. I'm sorry to say but I think you are reading far too much into the fact that she didn't leave the club.

Your plan is what? To get to know her again and seduce her into trying again with you?

What do you think will be different about this time? Why do you think you did not feel that you loved her during the relationship, but only feel that you love her now that she is gone?

[Kelso]

The think is I probably did love her while we were together, but I was afraid to tell her or something.

 

What's really bothering me is that it ended so fast without any reason, at least from my side. I know I was a too needy and probably a little jelous too when she didn't wanna spent time with me. Every man wants to feel important to their lady. No when we're broken up - I've realized what I've lost and I want it back I guess that's natural.

 

I know I'm probably reading way to far into that she didn't leave the club. All my friends are sick of hearing about me talking about her. She seems to be using some kind of NC strategy too ... and it makes me wonder if she's unsure of her decisions.

 

Other thing that she mentioned when we broke up was that she wasn't much of a relationship type of person. She's 25 years old and hasn't been in a relationship longer than one year and that was 5 years ago.

 

My plan is to give myself another chance with her. There was nothing wrong with her. I was the one being needy and jelous and I can work on that and I already have started.

 

Thanks again guys for all you're replies, they are helping me so much when I want to call her

[WiseOne]

Well yea you should call her, but that would also let her know that you are thinking about her, but call her and play it cool, act like things are great.

[Kelso]

Something wrong with the forum ... it's not working properly ... or my computer

[Kelso]

So, what an unpleasant night. I dreamt about her for 9 hours straight, but unlike previous dreams we were now broken up. So now I don't have to think about us seperated while awake ... I can also look forward to think of us not being together while asleep

 

WiseOne - I guess it's right that if I'd call her she would see that I'm still thinking of her. But what's so difficult is that she might as well being sitting at home and thinking if she should call me. I don't know.

 

There is other way to contact her, but still make it look like that I am going on with my life without her. I met her through a mutual friend who is working in a restaurant. She is working in the same restaurant. Before we even got to know each other I often went there with my friends and we had dinner before going out clubbing. We've probably done that 50 times or so. I could go there next Saturday with the guys - I know she's working. Just play it cool ... doing the same things that I've done million times. Acting like I'm moving on with my life and play it cool. Have a minimum contact but still be friendly.

 

I don't know what I should do. I was text messaging this other girl the whole weekend and she asked if we could meet. I of course said yes ... but I have no interest whatsoever in meeting her. Noting compares to "my" girl and I don't want anyone else at the moment...

 

My god this is hard...

[WiseOne]

Your right she is probably sitting around thinking about you, and thinking about calling you, i mean she just cant erase you out of her memory so easy, yall both probably are dreaming about eachother.

 

And i know what ya mean when you say you dun want anyone else, after me and my ex broke up, i met some nice and beautiful and smart girls, for that fact i met girls who looked better than her and smarter and nicer, but none of them just couldnt replace my ex.