Spinderella Posted November 12, 2006 Share Posted November 12, 2006 kelso, theres only so much playing it cool you can do. theres only so much guessing what is going on with her that you can do. just call her and ask her how she feels and what she wants. perhaps the dream is your psyches way of dealing with the inevitable. in any case, you wont know if you dont call her. you have done all the right things, but the more you keep playing this one, the more you get to convince yourself that she is feeling the same way you are. what happens if one of these times you plan to go to where she goes and play it cool she is hooked up with someone else? just call her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kelso Posted November 12, 2006 Author Share Posted November 12, 2006 What you're saying Spinderella is so true. I just don't know why I haven't realized that before. I'm probably just asking you guys about any of this because I need help to convince my self that she feels the same way I do. I probably would have continued to ask you guys until both of you would completely agree with me. Then I would call her and get slapped in the face with a big no. Of course I shouldn't be playing those mind games. I'm not playing any mind games on her...I'm playing them on me. Tomorrow I'm gonna have a normal day but without any advices from LS and without checking her blog and MySpace. I'm gonna try to calm myself down and think rationally and then I'm gonna call her. Tomorrow evening or maybe Tuesday evening. That's is the only think to do. I guess I'm just afraid of the possible NO and I'm maybe just delaying the rejection. Anyway...I think you once again for all your support and your perspectives. It really really means a lot to me. I will let you know how everything goes. Link to post Share on other sites
Spinderella Posted November 12, 2006 Share Posted November 12, 2006 It is the denial stage perhaps, we all go through it in one way or another. You have handled yourself well through it. The thing is that you really don't know what is going on with her without asking. Perhaps it is time to be brave, and ask for the honest answer. You know, if the answer is a no, it really doesn't make any difference if you get it now or later, it will still be a no. The question is, what is the better way to recieve that answer? To waste your own time and delay your own healing and maybe get the answer in the form of seeing her with somebody else, OR to ask her outright and then avoid her until you are healed enough that seeing her with somebody else won't matter too much. The other thing to think of is that IF she is thinking of you and thinking you have moved on and trying to get over you, then what if she succeeds and moves on? Or what if you could not be suffering with wondering what she is thinking any more? NC is all great and everything, but, sometimes we just need to get the answers. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kelso Posted November 12, 2006 Author Share Posted November 12, 2006 Yep, you're so right. NC is excellent method if you are definetly not getting back together. But I'm still trying so NC is probably no the thing to use here. We only dated for 8 months so NC of 4-5 months wouldn't do me any good in this case. It would be different if we had dated for few years. I will call her ... I have given her some space. Now it's time to see if she has missed me and wants to give it another chance. If she doesn't, then I must start think of myself. If she wants anything more ... she probably has thought that through now. Thank you Spinderella...thank you so much... Link to post Share on other sites
Spinderella Posted November 12, 2006 Share Posted November 12, 2006 keep us posted, and no worries. you sound as though you have your head screwed on anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
WiseOne Posted November 12, 2006 Share Posted November 12, 2006 Well dang then, well she does seem to have a point, but kelso if you go look at all of the other sucess stories on loveshack you will see that there has never been a second chance at a relationship without NC. But i guess ur rite, u should try to call her, it wouldnt hurt Link to post Share on other sites
Spinderella Posted November 12, 2006 Share Posted November 12, 2006 know where you're coming from wise one, but, pestering someone is alot different from asking a question, no games etc. besides which, most women, and maybe men too, do realise when somebody is playing the "i'm so happy without you" game, and would have more respect for honesty, if the honesty is considerate. theres nothing wrong or offputting with asking somebody if they would consider a second go of things, and being dignified if the answer is no. that is when to put nc into action. kelso seems unsure of whether she wants to give things a second chance or not and also planning to get somebody back by showing up at their hangouts is not nc. i think all cases are different and that in this case kelso would benefit with a clear answer. i could be wrong of course... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kelso Posted November 12, 2006 Author Share Posted November 12, 2006 Yeah ... I've seen that. But I'm not sure if NC is the thing that matters after that short relationship. I'm just gonna give her a call and of course I will hear her response when I call. Is she happy that I called. I will hear that. I just can't sitting around thinking of it all day. It's gonna kill the inside of me over time. I know excatly what I want. I thought I knew it 3 weeks ago when I talked to her right after we broke up. Past three weeks have made me realize that I want completely different things that three weeks ago. I wanted a relationship where we would do almost everything together. That's why I was needy. I have realized that I don't want that kind of a relationship. Relationships develop into something that the couple do most things together. It's nothing that happens right away. Or at least that's something I think. I'm gonna sleep on it tonight. Don't wanna call her until I know excatly what I'm gonna tell her. Link to post Share on other sites
WiseOne Posted November 12, 2006 Share Posted November 12, 2006 Yea well i know how you feel, and i think you should call too, i mean it good be yall time to get back together, i've seen couples break up and do 3 or 4 weeks of nc and get back together, alot of times the other person is itching to call, its just that there scared or even too nervous. I wasnt saying you should go with alot of nc, i was just saying i never seen a couple get back together without giving eachother time to think about things, and thats what you done. So now its time to see whats changed over the last couple of weeks. Call Her. Link to post Share on other sites
Spinderella Posted November 12, 2006 Share Posted November 12, 2006 kelso, just anted to say that if you do call her, don't put yourself down. it seems you are beating yourself up alot for being needy. well if you try now to convince her that you wont be needy this time, it sounds, well, needy! just ask her if she wants to try again because you do, and you love her. keep things simple. if she wants to try again, then you get to work on your not being needy skills. you cant convince somebody with words, what they have not seen in actions, and talking of this would be counter-productive. if you don't get chance to practise those skills with her, then you get to practise with somebody else. of course if she brings up you being needy, then, just say, yes i know i was, or something similar, that acknowledges how hard it may have been for her to deal with, without putting yourself down for it. this is just my opinion, perhaps wise one can add to this. Link to post Share on other sites
WiseOne Posted November 12, 2006 Share Posted November 12, 2006 Well Spinderella is right, if she brings up anything about you being needy agree with her, you dont want to put up a argument, becuz then she will start to think that you've not changed, and yall wont be gettin back together. But still dont beat urself up over this sistuation, becuz you only felt that yall should spend more time together, were yall spending enough time together? I dont think there was nothing wrong with you wanting to spend more time together. Dont get me wrong there is a such thing as being to needy. Me and my ex wasnt spending enough time together and she tried to say i was "too needy" and i felt that we should have been, we never went on alot of dates, and never spend much time together, she acted as if she only had time for her friends, so when we broke up she wanted to try to push that crap off on me like i was the reason for the breakup, and i fell for it, and then i sat back an thought for a while, "THIS IS NOT MY FAULT ITS HERS" and everyone in her family and everysingle one of our friends noticed it. SO WAS I WRONG FOR WANTING A NORMAL RELATIONSHIP..................NO so i stopped calling her and started doing NC, becuz i realized she had tried to push this off on me, to make it seem like she was the princess, and i was the evil one . So till this day i let her do the calling becuz i should be giving her the 2nd chance, not her giving me the 2nd chance Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kelso Posted November 12, 2006 Author Share Posted November 12, 2006 Wow you guys are amazing, you have no idea how much you're helping me right now I just wanted to make clear that when we broke up she specificly said that it was not my fault. I don't know what it means. I don't really care for now. Thinking of other things now. She actually said I wasn't being needy ... I was just being a bit needy for her taste. The thing is that she lives alone with her sister. Her sister sometimes could get really jelous and annoyed while were kissing and stuff. I don't blame her. She also has this other best friend and they used to do a lot together. Slept often together after they've been clubbing and stuff. I guess that this girlfriend of hers also got really jelous that I was taking time away from her. And most times when they were going clubbing I asked if I could go with them. Simply because I loved hanging out with them. Of course they didn't wanted me to come all the time but still said yes. Same thing the other way, I wouldn't like her to be there everytime I go out with the guys. I can see it so clearly what I did wrong now and I find it so easy to fix it. I was just stupid that I didn't see it before. I am gonna call her tomorrow night. I'm gonna be friendly, cool, interesting, and of course I have loads of things to tell her Can't wait to call her. But of course I can't get my hopes up to high. Again...thanks a lot guys ... I really appreciate it!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kelso Posted November 12, 2006 Author Share Posted November 12, 2006 And what is wrong with LS ... It is so hard to read everything I type... Link to post Share on other sites
WiseOne Posted November 13, 2006 Share Posted November 13, 2006 Yea well let us know what happens tommorrow, i remember the first time i called my ex after the breakup i was sooooooooooo nervous i took me 3 hours to get up the nerve to call. From what you are saying it sounds like you got a good chance at gettin backtogether, your sistuation doesnt seem as complicated as everyone elses, so good luck with your call Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kelso Posted November 13, 2006 Author Share Posted November 13, 2006 Hey there everyone ... a little delay of my plans. Like I told you earlier, she is working with my friend and works mostly on weekends. I called my friend and asked him if she's working tonight. Unfortunately she is working tonight so I won't be able to call her until after 10:30. I don't think that's a good idea so I'm just gonna call her tomorrow night. A day later doesn't matter...she won't change And it will also make me look cooler to not call right after the weekend. God I'm getting nervous Link to post Share on other sites
Spinderella Posted November 13, 2006 Share Posted November 13, 2006 Keep calm, and keep it simple. Be ready to take her answer, whatever it may be, with dignity. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kelso Posted November 14, 2006 Author Share Posted November 14, 2006 Well, I was gonna call her last night, but I didn't because I knew she was working that night. So I called her tonight instead. I'm so happy that I did that. In the beginning of the phonecall - I could hear a TV in the background ... so I thought now was not the time do pour my heart out to her. However, I started by telling her what had happened in my life for the past weeks. I asked her how she was doing. She laughed at most of my stories and could barelly tell me one of hears because it was so funny. I did a little test on her. I called her 5 mintues before her favorite TV show was to start. She enjoyed the conversation we had and obviously skipped the first 15 minutes of her favorite show to talk to me. She was definetly not pissed that I called her. After 20 minutes, I was kind of running out of subjects so I decided to end the phonecall. Of course I couldn't let it go too long ... it would become boring. So I ended it by telling her that I had to do some project for school tomorrow. Told her that it was nice to hear from her and hoped to hear from her soon. I didn't discuss the relationship at all during the phonecall. So didn't she. I know I sounded secure and stable. I am so reliefed that she was happy that I called. I'm so happy that she picked up and wasn't angry. But the thing is...I don't know what to do next. I know I'm gonna keep trying to move on and get interesting again. But I need a closure soon. I'm so glad right now A little more...in the end of the phonecall, I couldn't hear the television so she probably went to another room. Link to post Share on other sites
WiseOne Posted November 15, 2006 Share Posted November 15, 2006 Im proud to hear that, and whats this about you being interesting again? Well it seems like this was a good thing, so what uis your next plan? Link to post Share on other sites
Spinderella Posted November 15, 2006 Share Posted November 15, 2006 Thats really great news Kelso, glad to read it! Perhaps leave it a week and then call again, maybe at some point you could tell her that you miss her, and see how she responds? Link to post Share on other sites
ImInPain Posted November 15, 2006 Share Posted November 15, 2006 Good job Kelso. I wouldn't chase and just be interested but not to interested. You have opened communication and are looking for an answer for you. You may never get one and remember it's not all about you. I have to remind myself that all the time. I miss my ex terribly and would love to hear her beautiful voice but for now total and complete NC. It is the hardest thing I have ever done and the anti depressants, beer or anything don't make the hurt go away. I will miss her forever and never got my closure. Just be strong my friend. Everything happens for a reason. Right or wrong, good or bad. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kelso Posted November 27, 2006 Author Share Posted November 27, 2006 Crap ... I'm having a bad day now. I had kind of made up my mind about htis girl. I can't waste time on thinking about her. I have a lot of stuff to do right now and there isn't any space for her in my mind. However, she takes away all my brain space. I think about her very often each day, how ever my thoughts have changed. It used to be me obsessing about her...thinking every moment what is she doing right now and stuff like that. Now I think about her often every day, but not constantly. Only when something reminds me of her. I haven't heard from her since I called her 2 weeks ago. Sometimes (like right now) I want to call her so badly, but I know I'm strong enough. But she talked about us being friends after the breakup (but I haven't heard from her since the day we broke up - unless the one time I called her). Not a text, e-mail, phone call, message or anything. She has re-arreanged her top 12 friends list on MySpace. I'm still number 2 - right after her best friend. The really strange thing is that she has put 2 of MY friends. Not mutual friends...only my friends on ther top 12 list. That must be a sign that she's thinking of me. What should I do. One day I feel like I'm so over her. The next day ... geez...I want her so much... I'm so confused...:S Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kelso Posted December 15, 2006 Author Share Posted December 15, 2006 Hello everyone ... I don't know if it's against the rules to wake up old threads like this one, but it's only about a month old, so I guess I'll do it. We broke up 8 weeks ago and I called her few times the first week after we broke up. Afther that I had read all about these NC methods and how it's a must to be able to get your ex back. I decided to go into NC, but I broke after three weeks. I called her and we had a nice chat were I didn't mention the breakup at all. We were laughing and having good time. Then I decided to go back into NC, but I became fed up with all my bull****, so I decided that this NC was for me to get over her, not to try to get her back. I've been doing really good since I called her a month ago and I haven't allowed myself to think of her a lot and she kind of faded away. Last Friday I went to the restaurant where she works to get something to eat (I knew she wasn't working). A friend of mine who also works there told me to come and have lunch and I had lunch with him and another guy who works there. He then said: "Your the guy who used to date Julie, right?". I said yes, but I had never met him before and how could I know that it was me. It made me think that they've been seeing each other lately, as I know he was hitting on her while we were together. (Although he didn't know we were a couple - and that she laughed when she told me about him). So anyway...getting back in there woke up a lot of old memories and since last Friday, I pretty much haven't been able to get her out of my mind. On last Saturday I saw her walking with her friends down the main shopping street (she didn't see me). And it was like having my heart ripped out. I'm having my exams right now so I have had a lot of time to think of her instead of my books. I installed on of those MySpace trackers yesterday and logged on today and instantly saw that she checked my MySpace last night. It made me wonder if she's still thinking of me. Might be a coincidence. I'm gonna give you guys some facts below and I would really appreciate if you could tell me what I should do about it all. Because in the last 8 weeks I have found out that I care a lot for this girl. * We broke up mutually - even though she initiated it. * She hasn't called me since the day we broke up. (Over me from first day or having hard time getting over me). * I am no 2 at her MySpace. After her best friend. * She used to be no. 2 at mine - but I put her lower when I thought we'd never get back together. * I have been talking to other girls, but they don't interest me. * I haven't spoken to her at all for 2 months except a 15 minute phonecall a month ago. * She told me that she cares a lot for me (still hasn't called). * Talked about being friends (Yeah I know it never works out). Tell me...what should be my next steps in this dilemma? Should I contact her now before the christmas or during the christmas. Or is it definetly gonna let me down? What should I do. I haven't had this, "getting her back feeling" for many weeks now. I'm so confused ... though I was getting over ... but still want her more than ever now. Thanks, Kelso Link to post Share on other sites
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