JohnnyMaq Posted November 9, 2006 Share Posted November 9, 2006 Ok Newbie here.....been having a hard time with the feelings I've been having. Some background...I've been married 10 yrs (Married young), beatiful wife & 2 beatiful kids that came after we had been married 5+ yrs, for the most part I can't complain about my marriage. No real big fights or anything of the sort. Ok so all of a sudden I began to have feelings for a coworker, being working with her for over a yr without feeling anything......but lately I have been thinking of her and I think i'm falling in love with this person. It is so hard for me. I am thinking of things that I never thought of. I feel I have never truly loved my wife. I care for her deeply and have helped her in life even before we were married but I just feel that I never really loved her as I should have. It is a sort of crossroads in my life. I am disappointed in myself. My questions: Is it fair to my wife for me to stay with her even if i feel the way I do? Should I let her go to find someone that will appreciate and love her the way she deserves? That i have realized i have never loved her is so difficult for me. And no I have never cheated on my wife with anyone. Why does life throw curve balls when things seem so great? Thanks for letting me vent. -j Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 9, 2006 Share Posted November 9, 2006 How do you know you are 'inlove' with this co-worker? Couldn't it just be crush, throw in some sexual attraction and lust, those new feelings one gets at the beginning stages of a relationship (honeymoon phase)? Could you really imagine your life without your wife in it? Not being part of your children's lives everyday? Living in the same house as them? I think you need to dump the co-worker, find out why you allowed yourself to fall for someone else by going to therapy and talking to your wife. FInd out what is missing from your marriage. What needs aren't being met. Are you willing to move on so quickly without giving your marriage a chance? Don't you feel you owe it to your children to try it make it work? If the co-worker wasn't part of this equation, would you still feel unhappy in your marriage, enough to leave your wife? Link to post Share on other sites
Annacabana Posted November 9, 2006 Share Posted November 9, 2006 Love isnt' being attracted all of a sudden to a new person, that is lust. Do you know what love is? Love is a choice. Love is patient, Love is kind, It does not envy, it does not boast, It is not proud, It is not rude, It is not self-seeking, It is not easily angered, It keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. L o v e N e v e r F a i l s. You just have to decide now if you want to love your wife or not. Forget about the past, you can't change that, but you can change how you are now. You are not thinking of your wife's best interest by asking if you should leave her so she can find someone she deserves. You are wanting a way out and one that makes it seem that is the best for your wife. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 9, 2006 Share Posted November 9, 2006 Tell your wife about the co-worker and see if she wants to save the marriage. Then go from there. Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted November 9, 2006 Share Posted November 9, 2006 As someone who is also in a long-term marriage, I can tell you that in my opinion, it's normal to develop "crushes" on others. Just recognize what they are. They're not the REAL thing. It's just fantasy and that can be healthy. Also, feelings for your spouse may wax and wane. I mean you will always love her but there will be times when you feel more in love with her than other times. I think this is normal too. Perhaps others who have been married for 10+ years can weight in on this and confirm that as well. My advice? Stop questioning your love for your wife. Ride this out. Don't cross any lines with the co-worker. This should pass. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 10, 2006 Share Posted November 10, 2006 My advice? Stop questioning your love for your wife. Ride this out. Don't cross any lines with the co-worker. This should pass. You're getting good advice. Beyond that, avoid temptation. No meetings, rides, trips or after-work drinks together. Recognize the problem and understand that an impulsive act could paint you into a corner. Right now you have choices - would you have those options if your wife found out you'd had an affair with a co-worker? Take the energy you're feeling and invest it in your marriage. Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author JohnnyMaq Posted November 10, 2006 Author Share Posted November 10, 2006 Thanks for the replies. I appreciate the advice. I have never been the type of person to have these kinds of feelings, I always felt I was pretty much a straight shooter. They always say things happen for a reason. Wether this is just a phase or a turn in the road for me I do not know but life will go on. In the end I feel it is not so much the coworker, but the fact that I have these feelings for any other person besides my wife and that I have begun to question my love for her that disappoints me the most. I am not looking for a scapegoat by saying that I should let my wife find someone that loves her like she deserves. I used to be a very jealous man until I realized one thing. You don't want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with you. I lived by those words and never again was a jealous man....oh the irony! I will ride this out, without crossing any lines (if anything I do have utmost respect for my wife) if down the road things do not change it shall merit further thought. Again, thank you all for letting me vent. It actually has helped me some. May God bless and help us find peace in our hearts......... -J.M. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 10, 2006 Share Posted November 10, 2006 I think you need to talk to your wife about this. Let her know how you're feeling inside, communicate and make your marriage better! The thing is though, you're still getting something from the co-worker that you're not getting from your wife so maybe you really need to think about closing yourself off emotionally to the co-worker so nothing does happen and the feelings don't grow more. Link to post Share on other sites
TheFirstCrow Posted November 23, 2006 Share Posted November 23, 2006 I've been through a series of these kinds of experiences...where I begin a friendship with a man and develop a crush. Many times, this would happen during my travels -- or with a business associate. These men gave me attention, affirmation and appreciation I was not getting at home. I attempted on many, many occasions to explain what was happening to my husband and what I needed from him. My husband would be attentive for about a week or so, and then we'd be back to the same old routine. Later on, I would plead through tears. I am currently suffering from deep, major (as in situational) depression. I have asked for a divorce 3 times, but the going through with it rips me apart. I am currently unhappily separated -- one he has initiated. I want my marriage to succeed. He is a bright, committed man -- a child of an alcoholic -- who is scared of the world and to bring down the walls. Since I'm female and you're male, you might have different luck. First, I suggest that you recognize this as a crush and ascertain what it is that you are not getting from your marriage. (You decide who to be in love with.) Then, I suggest approaching your wife in the following way by way of asking for what you need: "Honey, I need your help...I've been struggling with something and I think you might be able to help me." Regardless, get thee to a marriage counselor! Maybe you have some advice for me...? Link to post Share on other sites
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