felings of today....

[hopeto]

hey guys/girls, just wanted to let you know I really think the meds are kicking in. I cried yesterday for just a bit, but only cause I am unsure of the future. I looked at my husband yesterday and ya know he is no nobel prize keeper. I am the one who wrote about being abused by my oldest brother in a sexual way and then come to find out the man I loved and trusted even though he called me names like fat nasty and you name it I caught him loking at child porn. girls ages from 10 to maybe 15 if that is streching it. he even knew my past and still done this.

 

today I had an appointment with the counslor but he is very sick. so I will start my first session on monday. not bleak today. he had the nerve to call me fat again!!!! and that if I did not lose weight that he was done..hahahahahahhahaha that is so funny I forgot to laugh. he is done. whatever. he is the one that has got caught and he is the one that will end up this dried up old peanut head(only thing to say nice on here). I do love him and I will always love him but have faced the fact that he is NEVER going to change. he has already started to withdraw from our daughter which that is ok cause it will make it easier for me when he leaves.

 

I did tell him that if he got someone to counsol(sorry for spelling should have piad attention in class while in school) us that we would try to work it out. has he no!!!!! will he NO!!!!!! why??? cause he will have to admit what he has been doing and he knows it is sick in his mind and he does not want to hear he has done wrong. nor that his past has alot to do with how he treats me and what he is doing. if there is going to be change he might want to start right away cause I ama finished. that does ot mean I dont love him. hell if I looked at men from the playgirl book and was addicted to it I would not want him either!!!!!!!!!!!! hummmmm, thats is an idea.

 

I am no angel by no means......I have the time of the month and during this time I probly could rip your head off and not care but I inclose myself in my room and say be ware if you enter!!!! I am trying to keep a good head on my shoulders......TODAY I FEEL IMPOWERED......not sure the cost of a divorce but I do have a little family that will help me out. he still acts like he is the tuff guy and nothing is bothering him but you know. who gives a shi*. I am not bragging by no means at all but I am not fat....not ugly...... and not only that but I love with my heart and truly, truly care about people. one of those kinds that is way deep.

 

like sittling by the fire snuggling, or just laying in bed and veggin out in front of the tv with my husband, outside except I do not like to garden. rather shovel horse poop or 4 wheel etc. I am not a girlie girl but can dress with the best. however jeans and a big old tshirt is just my style. I love animals,and have lots of them and I truly belive I am a very deep person. I dont care what is on the outside just to know your heart is good and that I will be your princess. I need this and deserve it!!!!!! not only me but my baby girl needs to know the difference in how a man should treat her and love her not by her looks but by her.

 

I know I will have way down times and it is scary as hell but you know it has got to be better than living a lie. I know he loves me, the only way he knows how and that is not love it is control. he has issues I wised I could help him with but if he does not want to help himself then I cant help him. I am not by no means saying he is losing the best thing he ever had but I will tell you this he had true love given to him and he threw it away. tommorrow may be different and I might craw back in the hol scared to death but not today.