Too poor to eat out with friends

[Storyrider]

It's true that the disparity in our $ situations is at the bottom of this. It isn't their fault, and I don't want to make them change to suit me; although when it is my turn to pick the place I will go cheaper.

 

I honestly think the best solution is to say no half the times I'm asked, at least in the short term. In the long term I can earn more money. And there are other ways I can spend time with these people besides the dinners.

 

Additionally, I really do need I think some more poor friends, just to help my ego.

[Lights]

It's true that the disparity in our $ situations is at the bottom of this. It isn't their fault, and I don't want to make them change to suit me; although when it is my turn to pick the place I will go cheaper.

 

I honestly think the best solution is to say no half the times I'm asked, at least in the short term. In the long term I can earn more money. And there are other ways I can spend time with these people besides the dinners.

 

Additionally, I really do need I think some more poor friends, just to help my ego.

 

The posters here have all given you good advice.

 

I have one other thing to add. How much do you trust these friends? If you were to tell one of the friends you might consider one of the closer ones, "I'd like to meet up, but I just can't spend that kind of money. I can't go to [wherever].", would they be understanding enough to realize that you just can't spend your time in the exact same places that they do without considering you antisocial? If yes, you've got a clean way out--they need not change so much for you as much as realize what you're going through and also do their part in including you as you reach out to them in ways that you can afford to set up.

 

Maybe I've been lucky that way, but all my friends are aware of their own financial situations and are understanding if other ones aren't able to spend the money at a given time.

[iron_m]

I'm in grad school, so I definitely understand about eating on a budget. Since most of my friends are similarly situated, we came up with the idea to take turns hosting dinner parties every week. One person is responsible for the meal - which, if you are creative, can easily be prepared for like 20-25 dollars for 6 people. This gives us girls a chance to catch up and relax, and is considerably less expensive than eating out. Even the ones who aren't that great in the kitchen can manage to warm up a pre-made lasagna and fix a salad. Just make sure someone brings a bottle of wine!

 

Yes! this is also a great idea. With my fellow students we do that. There are some dishes that are good for these meetings (like bagna cauda = student's fondue LOL).

 

But if people is married with kids they may want a night out anyways.

 

I am a single dad and grad student (=live-on-a-budget) and sometimes it works better to go out and sometimes it is better to stay home or a friend's house. But again, I am blessed that my friends (mostly singles or couples without kids) understand my situation and are very accomodating.

[bella_girl]

Storyrider - I know how you feel... I turn down dinner invitations quite often.. .but what I do usually do is say 'I'll turn up afterwards' especially if people are going out for a drink or whatever after dinner.

 

However if dinner IS the main social occasion that's a bit difficult.. perhaps you could suggest doing some other alternative stuff (and maybe cheaper) ie they go out to dinner and you join them at the movies, or an art gallery or ice skating or the pub.

 

I'd avoid drinking if you can't afford it (or go halves in a bottle of wine), just drink water or soft drinks. Also make sure they don't split bills - say to your close friend you find that very difficult and it would be easier if people could just pay for what they ordered. I'd avoid appertisers and deserts too - you can say you're not hungry (and I can't eat that much food).

 

My girlfriends and i (in Oz) use to have like a breakfast club, one person each month would make breakfast/brunch (they were quite fancy) and we'd all go to each others houses. It was cheap and a lovely way to all get together.

 

Again with the play dates - you could join them after lunch or alternatively suggest like a picnic.

 

Ultimately though surely your company is what is most important to them, so if you can find alternatives then that might work for everyone. All my friends know that I'm poor at the moment but still want me to be there, so we find ways around it.

[Storyrider]

...Ultimately though surely your company is what is most important to them, so if you can find alternatives then that might work for everyone. All my friends know that I'm poor at the moment but still want me to be there, so we find ways around it.

 

Bella, thanks. All very good advice. I have lived in this city for almost five years, and I suspect I haven't found the right group of friends for me. I have done everything I can to make sure my kids are in the best schools, and as a result we end up socializing with people with much more money.

 

Many of the people in this circle are more like acquaintences to me than friends. They aren't people I confide in, with the exception of one person. I feel like my chances of getting to know the others better are diminishing over time because the are building relationships with one another as they do things together that I can't afford to go along with.

 

For example, four of them went on a girls' weekend to Las Vegas last year.

[Clover]

I'm in my mid-20s and on the other side of things. I can afford to treat myself a bit, however most of my friends have far less disposable cash than me. I think your friends are being a tad inconsiderate- when I go out with friends, I tend towards cheaper places, unless it's a special occasion.

 

Maybe next time, you can suggest some cheaper, alternative hang outs! I gotta say, some of my fav restaurants to go with my friends with are hole in the wall places with kickin food~!

 

Yeah I do that too with my friends too just use cheaper alternative hang outs.

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

I ended up sitting next to the window (closed, but below freezing outside and like sitting next to a giant ice cube) and as I was already shivering

 

Why are you doing this? It sounds like a miserable time.

 

You have two little kids and a husband at home, a warm place, and you are out in the cold with these women that are not even your friends, just acquaintances as you said, going to places you can't afford?

 

I'd cut them off so fast they'd forget my name.

 

It sounds like you are trying too hard.

 

Ariadne

[Storyrider]

Hi,

 

I ended up sitting next to the window (closed, but below freezing outside and like sitting next to a giant ice cube) and as I was already shivering

 

Why are you doing this? It sounds like a miserable time.

 

You have two little kids and a husband at home, a warm place, and you are out in the cold with these women that are not even your friends, just acquaintances as you said, going to places you can't afford?

 

I'd cut them off so fast they'd forget my name.

 

It sounds like you are trying too hard.

 

Ariadne

 

You could be right, Ariadne. When I reread what you quoted, it does sound rather miserable. But I will be running into them weekly for the next two years because they are the other moms at my 3 year old's preschool.

 

I have another group of mom friends I'm getting to know through the public elementary school who are a bit quirkier and more down to earth. They might be more my speed. I had a drink with them recently, and one woman started telling a story from her single days about a stage show she unwittingly witnessed in a Tijuana bar involving a donkey! Yikes! However gross, I had to admit I had a morbid curiosity to know the details. At least it was a change from hearing where everyone gets their eyebrows waxed. Brutal.

 

It is strange when you're a stay-at-home mom, it is harder to meet people except through your kids because your life revolves around bringing them to school, birthday parties, dance class, swim lessons, etc. (I teach one night class, but I can't usually socialize with my students.) I never thought I'd find myself as the proverbial suburban mom, but here I am!

 

That is one reason I'm glad I found this site because I can meet people who share some of my interests that have nothing to do with my kids.

[Tete de poulet]

So, I went on my girls' night out and failed miserably to budget myself at all. I was going to try to be subtle and not bring anybody else down, while stealthily ordering cheap. Was going to have a beer as cheaper by far than wine, but I ended up sitting next to the window (closed, but below freezing outside and like sitting next to a giant ice cube) and as I was already shivering, couldn't bring myself to drink anything cold. So OMG, 1 glass of shiraz was almost ten dolllars!!! Must admit it was very good, but still!!!

 

Then I very prudently chose the risotto with wild mushroom for fourteen dollars, cheapest entree that was not pizza. Other ladies proceded to add salads and appetizers up the wazoo for the table to split, followed by desserts to split. Total damage for me, $37.00 plus tip.

 

Went home and told H. He said, "Maybe you can go out again in four months." I told him that was just a bit extreme and suggested two months. He said I was childish and had no sense of reality.

 

Meanwhile, madly grading papers to catch up after night out and just caught two that are plagiarized directly from Wikipedia. You know something is up when your problem student is suddenly waxing eloquent like a textbook about Maslow's hierarchy of needs.

 

Wow, that's too bad all the way around. I scanned most of the posts and I was not sure if you communicated your position to your friends? If you did, then maybe they're not true friends if they don''t try a plan "b" which accomodates you (like them helping, or one of them hosting a dinner party, etc). I have been on both sides of that situation and when I was po', I let my friends know, at the appropriate time, that I couldn't afford it. They would sometimes pick up the tab or say that they understood.

 

I am tempted to send you some $ just so you can have some guilt-free fun.

[Storyrider]

I am tempted to send you some $ just so you can have some guilt-free fun.

 

 

Ha ha, that would be quite a racket! Yes, everybody...pay up! It's for a good cause!

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

It is strange when you're a stay-at-home mom, it is harder to meet people except through your kids because your life revolves around bringing them to school, birthday parties, dance class, swim lessons, etc.

 

Well, you don't have to be friends with all of them. Just talk to them until you meet one mother that you really like for a friend. Someone like you.

 

Anyway, good luck with it all, and you are so lucky to have a husband and two children .

 

Ariadne

[Storyrider]

...and you are so lucky to have a husband and two children .

Ariadne

 

Agreed. And 'tis the season to be thankful. :)