Wondering

[dexrnke]

I have good reason to believe that at least two of my children were not fathered by me. They are both teenagers, now. I would definitely divorce my wife if it is true. Although the kids have hinted to me in the past of their mother's indescretions, I do not want to raise any issues with them about this at the present time, without ironclad proof. I would like to order a paternity test from the internet. It would require a swab sample from the inside of the cheek of each child and myself, or a hair pulled out from the root. Does anyone have any ideas on how to obtain a sample without my telling the kids what I am doing?

[Tony T]

You can get hairs from your children's barbers or cosmetologists. You can get swabs of their saliva from their physician on their next visit for an illness or a check up. Just talk to the doctor in advance. Ethically, he may have to disclose to the children why he is doing it...but perhaps not since they are still minors.

 

However, I think you should conduct all of this out in the open. Just the fact that you suspect these children are not yours and that you obviously don't trust your wife is proof that your marriage lacks essential ingredients. I think up front honesty and open communication is a good place to put your marriage back on track.

 

I am curious as to just how your children have made suggestions that their mother is not faithful to you. For that reason alone, I would raise the issue and try to get some help. I mean...your own children implying that their mother is cheating on you...eeewwwww!!!!

 

You're in a very unhealthy relationship at this time. Open this whole thing up to scrutiny, get the truth out on the table, and work things out if you can. If you can't, end it regardless of who fathered these children. Your relationship sucks at this time.

[velvet]

Do you love your wife? What do the kids say about there mom? Whats been going on in this family over the years?

 

You could pull some hair while their sleeping or from their hair brush. What would you do if your not their father? Would they care less if you abandon them?

 

You need to have a talk, a heart to heart, spill some emotions out to your wife. Your marriage sounds like it needs a miracle. You both need to talk and really listen to what to each other is saying. Does she want a different love? Does she need something physcial from other people?

 

How do the kids look at her? What did they say to you to imply shes going out and getting some strange!

[dexrnke]

Thank you for responding. I'm sorry for taking so long to respond, but obviously I had to wait until the wife was away long enough for me to type this.

 

First, due to the emotional attachment, I would still treat the kids as my own, even if they aren't mine genetically, and even if my wife and I were to split. My daughter used to speak matter-of-factly about how I wasn't her real dad, her brother was her half-brother, etc. My daughter asked my son why he wouldn't date and he told her because of mom. If my wife mentions anything to him about participating in things together to make the family feel closer, he just shoots her a dirty look. The kids and I were putting up a basketball goal when they told me that there were some things going on and started to talk about men sneaking around the house. I interrupted them and told them that I already knew more than they thought I did. Maybe I should have let them talk, but I was trying to save them some pain.

 

At a previous job, I was working in a warehouse one day when a coworker, who didn't realize I was nearby, started bragging about an encounter he had with my wife. He described parts of her body that he wouldn't have been able to unless he had seen her undressed, and described how she acts during sex, which is exactly how she acts during sex. There is no way they could have known each other previously. I used to be awakened in the middle of the night by a car starting and then driving off. Then I would hear the toilet flush and then my wife would come and get into bed. My son began sleeping on the couch in the living room and I'm not awakened by a car starting anymore.

 

Yes, I have confronted her more than once and she gets mad and denies everything. As long as I don't have anything physical to prove otherwise, she will continue to deny.

 

About five years ago, she admitted that she realized one week into the marriage that she didn't love me and she asked for a divorce. I asked her to go to counseling together and she refused. That didn't last long and she decided she wanted to stay married. If I told her that I loved her, she just laughed. She wouldn't say that she loved me.

 

My paycheck pays the bills and her check goes toward her debts. It's obvious that she needs me around to support her financially. My oldest son is now 19. My daughter is 16. My youngest son is 14, but is autistic. My oldest is old enough to be on his own. My daughter starts college this summer. I feel they are mature enough to endure a split if it happens. The youngest will always need to be taken care of. They are the main reasons I haven't left before now.

 

The information I read on the net from different paternity testing companies wants hair with the root attached and not from a comb. I would like to avoid trying to involve a doctor. I don't think one would want to be involved in a possible divorce case anyway, especially if it might possibly leave them open to a liability claim somehow.

 

Does anyone know of any testing companies that test hair without needing the roots?

 

I apologize for the long reply, but maybe the extra information will be helpful.

 

Thanks.

[velvet]

She wanted a divorce one week into the marriage? Why? I would love to hear how someone one minute is ready to take an oath in front of the Almighty and than change their mind not even a week later! Is this not painful? Do you not care what she does? Well, at this point it would be safe and wise that you not give shoit.

 

So who are you dating? If the so-called wife is out getting her some "strange", by all means you should too. Better yet, bring a date by the house sometime when the kids are away and cook dinner for your date while your wifes home.

 

Im sorry my man, but you do not need to support someone who has no respect for you, your marriage or feelings. First of the week you should go file for divorce. Im sure the kids wont mind, they know their momma is up to no good, doing daddy the way she has.

 

The kids are grown. You dont have wife. You live with a wench, now is the time to start your life. Dont let time slip by living this way.

[BeReal]

You ever have someone see something in your hair? A piece of lint or a first gray hair? The person usually lets the other person check it out. Pretend you see something in their hair...grab hold of a strand and yank it out. Say "oops I thought that was a gray hair". Even young people are known to find a gray hair now and then. Just yank one out for any reason...it doesn't really hurt and they will soon forget it. What about telling your kids the truth and asking for a strand of hair? You say they don't think you are their biological father anyway.

[dexrnke]

Thank you for your replies. To clear something up, the wife didn't ask for a divorce until 5 yrs. ago. It was then that she admitted to me that she realized she didn't love me a week into the marriage. Pulling a "gray" hair is a good idea. Thanks.

[Debster]

Are the kids yours? How are you doing?

[dexrnke]

Yes, they are mine. I pulled a hair sample from my son as he slept. I waited until my daughter was on her period and then fished a tampon out of the waste basket. I had earlier made sure that the testing company would accept both samples.

 

Yes, it is a great relief. My wife is trying very hard to get her debts paid off. When she does it would not surprise me if she moved out. I'm going to stay so the kids will have at least one role model. When/if the wife does leave, I'll just wave good-bye.

[Just A Girl2]

You are a good man, and I'm glad you know for sure now, that the children are yours.

 

You wrote:

 

My wife is trying very hard to get her debts paid off. When she does it would not surprise me if she moved out. I'm going to stay so the kids will have at least one role model. When/if the wife does leave, I'll just wave good-bye.

 

Is she using YOUR HARD EARNED MONEY to pay of "her debts"? If so, put a stop to it. Now. I think you sense that she's simply been using you to get out of debt. Seems very very possible.

 

Put your foot down, now. Pay ONLY for things that affect your children.....for putting a roof over their head, the utilities, groceries etc.....but not one penny more. If you have a joint checking acct with her, get yourself another acct somewhere.....cash your pay checks and deposit ONLY WHAT'S NEEDED to cover the basic bills, into your joint acct..then put the rest into your OWN private acct.

 

Does the wench even work or does she just sit at home all day while you bust your hump?

 

If you suspect that she will just leave you once her debts are paid off, I'd consider very strongly, taking actions to cover your ass...like talking to a divorce attorney NOW...so that you can take steps to lessen her ability to take you to the cleaners/take a good portion of what you've worked hard for all these years.

 

If you have credit cards that are in YOUR NAME, but she's a cardholder under you, cancel these cards. Protect your credit.

Don't give her any more opportunities to take advantage of you.

 

I commend you for wanting to be the only stable role model your children have...but what about YOU? Kids deserve stability of course...but parents deserve love and respect from their spouse, too. There has to be a balance. Have you ever thought of kicking her ass out the door? Your oldest is in college, your 16 will be starting college soon......how feasible would it be for you to look after your 14 yr old autistic child, on your own? Could you get some support from friends or family?

 

I think it's just so very sad that you are spending the best years of your life with someone you have reason to believe is simply using you. You must feel very lonely?

 

How is your children's overall relationship with her?

 

And again, does she work?

[dexrnke]

Thanks for your post. She works. She is paying off her debts with her own money. I am paying one of her bills which will soon be paid off. My money pays the living expenses, her money goes to her debts. I closed the joint account years ago, and the joint cards.

 

My daughter is in therapy, blames her mom for being screwed up. Daughter's smart enough to get through it though.She wants to go away to school to get away. I think it will help her. Oldest son appreciates my staying on the straight and narrow. He would need to demonstrate some more independence before I would feel right about my just moving out.