Almost Gone......

[stevensgirl]

Well, I thought today would be as good a day as any to go on ahead and get the ball rolling on whatever it is I need to do. Last night I felt like sh*t, my BP was 172/101 and I decided that I don't need to wait too much longer before I make some changes in my life.

 

Thought long and hard about it and I don't really want to go back to my old house, it holds too many bad memories of my ex, it is too big for me to take care of and it is too far out in the country. I've decided that a small apartment for me and my boys might just be what the doctor ordered. My ex-husband took most of our stuff when he left for Massachusettes, before the judge let me back into my home, and what little I have here would just make my house look like a shell of what it did so.......

 

Tonight, well this afternoon, when Steven got home from work I let him relax for a little while then told him we needed to talk. I told him that my days are getting more and more miserable, the kids are getting worse and worse and I'd expected more out of life than what I am getting. He listened for a little while, then interupted me because we had to pick the kids up from band practice. I don't like to talk to Steven in the car because he guns the motor and speeds WAY up when I say something he doesn't like so I decided to leave it alone until we got back home.

 

On the way to get the kids we were talking about my renters moving and he said if they aren't gone or don't pay me their back rent I need to file a contempt order...... Real funny legal advice from someone who allowed things with his ex-wife continue to this point. That kind of pissed me off. I think he meant well but well, I am already pretty pissed off and don't need Mr. Wonderful advising me on what I NEED to do.

 

When we arrived back home I told him I wanted to talk more and he told me that he needed to talk to the kids first. I went to put a load of laundry into the wash and lo and behold a pair of her work pants were in my hamper, I do wash 2 or 3 times a week so HOW they got there is beyond me. I haven't left this house all week unless it was with him, our locks are all changed and we took the kids keys away from them. He had no answer either. When I returned to sit in on the conversation he was having with his kids I was informed that she would be picking the kids up Friday night at 9:00 p.m. Like she can still come and go any time she feels like, that pissed me off too because eh agreed that would be fine for her to do.

 

 

Steven and I stepped outside to finish our talk and he started in with the "Why am I being attacked?" which I've heard way too many times and I just lost it. I ripped him a new *********. I told him that one of us is a mark, one of us is a victim and one of us thinks we are a victim, and which 2 am I??? I used some of the things ya'll have said to me and when I asked him if I was being unreasonable being tired of footing the bill for her, if I was being unreasonable bending my schedule to suit her or if I was being unreasonable not wanting her to go through my things and break whatever she wants, his reply was, "it depends on who's perspective you are looking at it from".

 

I asked him so many questions that he had no answers to like, why does she get away with all of the things she does? Why he married me, what did he expect to gain....

 

Anyhow, it went from bad to worse, we got into the "sleeping with her" thing, he still claims that he was f*cked up and didn't know what he was doing at the time, lame, bullsh*t excuse. I asked him why it was Me that has to get over it, why it wasn't him that did wrong and I don't really remember what his other lame, BS excuse was, at that point I'd stopped listening.......

 

When I say I really ripped him a new one, I really ripped him a new one....... I've kept quiet for so long and let him scold me for so long when I stood my ground about certain things that when I got going I couldn't stop. For the most part once we got past the "whose perspective" thing he just sat there with a stupid look on his face and listened to me. He got a years worth of it in one night.

 

I hate yelling and I hate hurting someones feelings and I felt really bad but I've been through hell this year and I really couldn't help it....

 

Anyhow, when I'd said all I needed to say, he took my head in his hands, told me "enough", gave me a kiss and said he loved me but I need to do what I need to do, even if that means leaving him....... Didn't offer to change, didn't apologize, just told me if I need to go then I I have to do what is right for me........

 

In my last post someone asked when the last time I danced in the kitchen with my husband, when the last time he told me that he couldn't wait to get back to see me, etc..... He's done those things with me, it's just been a very long time..... Before I found out he was still sleeping with her. The day I found out was the day after my birthday last year, my birthday is Monday and I've been dreading that day because the memory from last year is still so fresh, I don't even want any mention of it this year, especially by him.

 

So I was so ready to start looking for an apartment and I guess I was expecting him to beg me not to go, I figured he'd grovel a little but no, he said if I need to go, then go and I don't think he was calling my bluff either. That was the loudest message I've gotten from him yet. He wasn't ugly about it, no yelling, no mention of bills that are due that he can't make.....nothing. Very little emotion even, just kind of blank and bland.

 

I almost suggested counseling because believe it or not as angry as I am about all of this, I really do love him and he isn't all bad. We have had good times too, it is just that the good times have gotten so few and far between. Things were so much better when I was waiting for my divorce to be final and I had no money. With the exception of trying to get over him cheating on me, everything was fine and even then I understood that he was just trying to figure out if he wanted her back or not. I didn't like the way he went about it but I understood it, I too had my moments when I wondered if I'd stopped loving my ex, even though I'd just found out that he'd had a male lover throughout our marraige. Seperation and divorce is the hardest thing I have ever been through in my life and maybe he really was just really messed up. I guess it just took me a minute to figure out that if he wanted to see if he needed to try with her one more time, he should have left me out of it......

 

So here I am it is now 5:00 a.m., another sleepless night, talking to myself through this keyboard, just trying to get to daylight so I don't cut myself tonight. I really don't want to cut myself tonight it just isn't worth it. I have to get him up for work in an hour, then get the kids ready for school, god only knows what this day holds for me......

[Gala]

It is with horror and sadness that I read this post, and the one you wrote in late October. I hope you are finding peace.