she kissed another guy

[Guest]

at the beginning of the year, i came out of a "heavy" 3 year relationship. i made a lot of mistakes, and was always on the back foot and being made to feel guilty.

 

a couple of months after i left this relationship, i met another girl who is very chilled out and non judgmental, we started hanging out and having fun, and now 6 months later, we are together, and she has been a real breath of fresh air. she tells me that she loves me, and she goes out of her way for me without expecting anything in return. she never judges me, and she gives me all the space and freedom in the world. when we are together we feel relaxed and at ease, and we can talk about anything. i have a clean slate and she knows she can trust me. she is younger than me, and she has a naughty streak. she knows i don't judge her though, and she has been open in admitting a few small slip ups that she has made tho nothing major really.

 

now, a few weeks ago she started a new job. i haven't been seeing as much of her as before, as she has been working hard, and so have i. she still makes every effort to see me at any given opportunity, and we still have a great time together, and if anything things are getting better and better between us.

 

now, she has told me about her work colleagues, and one of them is this guy who i could tell she found to at least be attractive or something. next thing i know, she was going to the beach with him, and going for a run with him. all purely as "friends"

 

i started getting very jealous, and questioning her, i looked at her phone and saw some fishy messages between them. i tested her for a couple of days, but she made out like it was nothing, and she lied to me and told me they were just friends.

 

i have now found out the truth, basically that this guy really likes her, and she has some feelings for him herself, i have also found out that 1 drunken night after work about 1 week ago, they kissed.

 

she knows im jealous of this guy, and now i have found her out, she has admitted that she lied to me about a few things. (but other than that over the past 6 months she has been completely honest)

 

basically she kissed him on one occasion, and she saw him again the other night for a dinner, which she didn't tell me about because she didnt want to hurt me. (apparently the dinner was a goodbye dinner, because she doesnt want to be with him, and their "friendship" has crossed the line and gotten too intense.

 

she now says everything is out in the open and she is sorry. she says loves me more than anything, and she doesnt know why she has crossed this line with this guy. she feels bad, and she says maybe she did it because she felt she didn't deserve me, and everything was too perfect. basically, this guy has left her work now, and he is leaving the country in a couple of weeks. she says there is an energy between them, but nothing compared to what her and i have.

 

she says he is a minor speedbump in our relationship, and that she wont ever see him again. apparently she is confused, and considered the guy more of a friend, but she does admit that they have both crossed the line.

 

she contacted him again yesterday, (the day after we had a night long blowout, where i found out everything, and she admitted all the stuff that has been going on for the past week or 2). she contacted him to say she cant see him anymore, and she may contact him again to say goodbye, before he leaves the country, but they cant see each other again. apparently he wrote back to say he wasnt happy about it, but she says it is his tough luck, because she knows she has made a mistake, and wont ever let it happen again.

 

i love this girl, i never saw her as perfect. i get on super well with her, and she lets me do as i please. i obviously feel hurt by this, but i have also cheated on people before, and i know that she is probably hurting even more than i am, as she has the guilt whilst i have a clean slate.

 

i feel like i have to forgive her and give her another chance, but i have been firm with her that if anything like this ever happens again, and she lies to me about it. i will leave her for sure.

 

since this has happened (couple of days), we have been very up and down with each other, sometimes i want to bring it up, but when i do, it causes a lot of pain and confusion for both of us. i feel like she has told me everything now, and she is adament that she loves me and this was a mistake.

 

am i being blind? i dont want to be naive and set myself up for a further betrayal, but i also dont want to trap her, or make her feel suffocated.

 

i have told her i feel insecure and second best, and feel like she is just coming back to me because this guy is leaving. she continually tells me that this guy has nothing on me, and she has never felt for anyone the way she feels for me. she says she feels so stupid, and never meant for this to happen, and she believes we will grow from this.

 

do you have any advice for me? i want us to be able to learn and to grow from this, as up until now our relationship has been a little too perfect.

 

please help me???

 

jim

[Cecelius]

If I were you, I would assume that this girl is not LTR material -- mostly just because she's young and experimental.

 

She confessed because she was busted. She then proceeded to negotiate more privileges to contact him (more emotional contact). This shows her imaturity given that she's treating this like if you were her father who is disciplining her.

 

Moreover, most of the bad things have happened under cover of "goodbye" contacts with the dude. I almost promise you that she said something like "I don't know what's coming over me.. I never do things like this..."

 

Point is, something fishy will eventually end up happening again -- she's too young for it not to.

 

Explain to her that you can't be serious ("in love") with her at this point, because that's clearly not where the relationship is. You want to hang out and have some good times, nothing heavy and "we'll see where it goes."

 

Either she'll go crazy because she thinks she's lost you or she'll be making out with the other guys she has in the box.

[Spectre]

Do what you have to do with her, then leave.

 

Dont kid yourself, just because in past relationships you cheated, doesnt mean you have to forgive it.

 

Plus, this chick doesnt love you. Thats the worst thing, shes going on about how she does. But a girl in love doesnt wanna go running with some dude, doesnt get drunk with some dude. Girls in love dont goto dinner with other guys. This is all very simple. It just doesnt happen man.

 

Then she has the balls to say she might contact him again to say goodbye? For what reason? "bye, thanks for the drunken kiss and dinner!"

 

So, just tell her you and her can continue to have fun but it wont be serious. If you want it to be serious..just leave her, shes not GF material, shes weekend fling material.