Married woman obsessed with kissing a married man

[brunette]

I'm happily married, I really am. My husband is just about perfect. Since this summer though, I have found that I have thought the odd time about a friend that I lunched with regularly - but not anymore - he's works further away now and contacts are far fewer. But lately (about the last month), I've been consumed with thoughts of kissing him - or very very strong urges. Almost did a few months ago during lunch. He's too nice a guy to say anything, but if I had to guess, I would say that he was quite attracted to me. Let's assume that he is.

 

I play scenarios in my head all the time and I feel that in order to get rid of these constant thoughts, I have to get it over and done with. I don't know any other option - will this cure me of my constant thoughts or will it make me worse off - I just don't know. All I know is I need to stop have my thoughts most of the day consumed with this.

 

Anyone have a similar experience?

[nicki]

Hi Just consider this:

 

If you kiss him, and it's good, then what would you do next? Sleep with him? Then what? Have an affair?

 

Affairs begin with the thoughts you are having.

 

You are infatuated with him and fantasizing. Don't feed it. Nothing good can come of it, except a messy divorce where your adultery is exposed.

 

I've had friends in your position. One had a two year affair. Her husband found out and divorced her. She spent the next two years crying over how to get her husband back. Their children were devastated. She clearly didn't want her marriage to end. She just used the affair as a way to cope with her life, instead of changing her life.

 

When I was in an unhappy marriage, there was a co-worker of mine that i felt the same way about. I fantasized about him all the time. But my situation was different, my marriage was really over and I needed to get out.

 

I'm not saying you aren't happy with husband. He sounds great. You may be bored, though, with yourself or him, or just your life in general.

 

Please talk to your husband. Before you do, think about things. What do you like about this other guy? How does he make you feel? That's more than likely what you need to develop in yourself, or in your marriage.

 

If you stop feeding the fantasy, it will go away. Trust me. Don't have any more contact with him. This guy is not the answer to anything. Really, no good can come of it.

 

If you truly think you want to be with him, then divorce your husband first so you are free to pursue the other guy....it's the only fair way...but I don't get the feeling that you want your marriage to end.

 

It's a good thing to still love your husband. Everything can get better from there. Don't fall for a distraction on the side of the road. Stay on the road you are on....

 

Good luck!

[nicki]

Oh, I just remembered something that I read. It was very interesting!

 

It said that when women are tempted to have affairs, they should act a bit more like their husbands. Then their husbands will be able to show more of the other side of themselves.

 

Confused? I was! It means that if the guy you want to have an affair with is kind, gentle, sensitive, etc....and your husband is more aggressive, less talkative, then try take on a few personality traits of your husband's...Then he will be able to show you a softer side of himself. And he will be more kind, sensitive, etc...

 

I can see how that idea works. My boyfriend isn't very talkative. I am. So when I want him to talk more, I talk less and listen more....and he begins to talk more.

 

I bet this guy you are fantasizing about is opposite of your husband in a lot of ways. If your husband was more like that, would you like it?

[Guest]

No I don't want to divorce - he's the best and I love him madly. I hear what you're saying and it's all good, but how do I get these thoughts out of my head? I've tried, really I have. One of my best features since day 1 is my loyalty - never cheated, never thought, never ventured, nothing. This is a first for me. I don't even know how to bring this up with my husband. Do I say that I feel something is missing? Do I tell him the truth - that I had thoughts?

 

I wish it was as easy as turning a light switch off.

[JackJack]

I don't even know how to bring this up with my husband. Do I say that I feel something is missing? Do I tell him the truth - that I had thoughts?

 

The only thing you need to tell you husband at this point is to communicate to him that you feel there is something lacking. You both then pull together as a team and find out what it is thats lacking to make you feel the way you do about his other man.

 

There is no need to tell your husband of the thoughts you have had about this other man right now. You didn't kiss him, you haven't had an affair, just keep yourself in check over the situation. Do you think your husband tells you everytime he may have wanted or fantasized about another? I'm not saying he has for sure, but even if he did I doubt he would tell you. The main thing to do now, is focus on finding out whats lacking.

[nicki]

What JackJack said. Great advice.

 

Also, if you want to stop the thoughts, then use negative reinforcement. For instance, everytime you have a thought, envision a big red STOP sign. Then envision your husband's face if he saw you kissing this guy.

 

The thoughts really will go away if you don't indulge them. Let them arise, do your visualization, let the thought drift away like a cloud. Just don't chase it, and keep adding to the story of the thought. Don't attach to the thought.

 

With practice, the thoughts will lessen and then go away.

 

If you talk to your husband and start pouring your energy into fixing things with him, the thoughts will be replaced by new thoughts of the things you want to do with your husband.

 

Try fantasizing about how you felt about your husband when you first met him and had the excited feeling.

 

If all else fails, try visualizing that the other guy has a disgusting habit or horrible hygiene. Or that is he mean to little children and animals. Anything negative. Maybe you can reprogram him from fantasy man to nightmare man!