Vent session #2056232

[ryan05]

I need some advice.

 

My wife and I have had our problems and are TRYING hard to work through them. Lately things are better for the most part (going out together, sex, talking, etc etc ) but there are a couple things that really bug me.

Well making a long story short, my problems with her are relating to her behavior, while her problems with me go into a much more complex situation. We wont go there.

 

I am quite fed up with her tho. She is so unwilling to give just even a little bit and it makes me furious inside.

 

She goes to the club to do the dirty and freak dance with strangers. I found this out just recently how she danced, I never knew she was like that and thought she just danced with her girlfriends to get a good night out.

Never knew it was like that at all and she thinks that its REDICOULOUS that I'm bothered and says that she's not dead and she'll do what she wants. Am I right to be upset here or am I over reacting? Anyways, this aint the real problem anyways.

 

More importantly....

 

I found out that her and her boss go out to lunch numerous times very week for lunch now. And it's always just the two of them going out. My issues go way back about their relationship and it's escalated into something thats getting out of hand. When their staff goes out, the two of them extend their night together to go out for more drinks at some other place. They run together, work ALOT together and quite frankly, I'm sick of them always being together.

 

Two weeks ago, I left to stay at my bro's place to think stuff out. Really contimplating leaving her. If you look at my past posts you'll understand more. The thing is, I know I probably should leave here based upon our past two years together. But she's just everything I want in a woman EXCEPT a few things. She's got a good job, good head on her shoulders, she absolutely gorgeous, smart, independant, and she's the reason for most of the good things in my life.

 

I can almost say for certain that no physical affair is going on betwen the two of them. If I knew that or even was almost certain, I'd be gone in a flash.

However, I'm totally struggling with this lately. When I got back from my bro's place she told me she'd not go for lunch with him as much and she

would cut out the extra curicular stuff with him after staff functions but so far, nothing has changed. And I tell her, what about our talk, what happened to our deal. And she responds by saying, "well, I don't think I can do that. Is this going to be a

problem?"

 

Thats her response. I'm so fed up. I want to scream. Any man with balls would leave her a year ago, but why do I do this to myself. WHY!!!

This is stupid. I feel like such a measily lil wimp but that is just not me, not who I am. I'm a strong character person but I just don't know how

to handle this situation. All in all, I really want to be with her and work things out, but dammit all, she is really testing my nerve. Anyways, thought I'd vent about my wife who wants her cake and eat all too. Thanks.

[michelangelo]

Sounds to me like she wants to have him and doesn't care how it effects you.

 

And that style of dancing she does? No way is that right for a wife to do with another man.

 

If I were you I'd dump her and divorce as quickly as possible.

 

There is no way she is the ideal woman but for a few small, trivial things. She does not love you as you wish to be loved.

 

and for sure she doesn't respect you.

[ryan05]

you see, thats what I thought.

 

I told her, this guy must be real important to you huh. You're constanly giving me the perverbial slap in the face for him time and time again. Whats the deal with that.

 

And she says that they are just really good friends that have a good relationship together.

 

Fine, whatever. If thats so, I can handle that. But do they really need to go out 2 or 3 times a week WHILE running in the morning 2 times a week WHILE always doing the friday afternoon drinks (albeit with their staff, but still, I'm sure they're mostly talking to one another).

 

And why tell me that you're going to change just to disappoint me in breaking the promises you give time and time again.

 

I can totally understand good friend / boss / love to do stuff together. But there comes a time when enough is enough.

 

And then, why does she have to totally switch it up on me at other times and be a complete princess towards me. Why can't she jsut stay supremo bitch so I can me 100% mad at her and leave her without concern.

[Pink_Tulip]

The best advice I can offer you is to take that pic out of your avatar immediately, lol. If you think you have problems now, wait til she or one of her friends stumbles across your post...

[ryan05]

The best advice I can offer you is to take that pic out of your avatar immediately, lol. If you think you have problems now, wait til she or one of her friends stumbles across your post...

 

what avatar?

[whichwayisup]

Ryan, I hate to tell ya this but your wife is having an affair with this man. Possibly it's not physical (yet) but she is having an emotional affair with him!

 

And she says that they are just really good friends that have a good relationship together.

 

I need to know...Relationship. Her words or yours?

 

She isn't behaving like a married woman! She's spending waaaaaaaaaayy too much time with him and that isn't good for you and the marriage. Problem is, it seems she's more concerned about him than you! WTF is that about?

 

I don't remember if you two have children or not.

[ryan05]

Ryan, I hate to tell ya this but your wife is having an affair with this man. Possibly it's not physical (yet) but she is having an emotional affair with him!

 

 

 

I need to know...Relationship. Her words or yours?

 

She isn't behaving like a married woman! She's spending waaaaaaaaaayy too much time with him and that isn't good for you and the marriage. Problem is, it seems she's more concerned about him than you! WTF is that about?

 

I don't remember if you two have children or not.

 

Hi,

 

relationship was her word. But you know, I don't mind if they have a relationship more than a boss / employee one. If they are friends, thats totally fine with me. It's just that she takes not only 1 step further, but 5, 10, 20 steps further than she should.

 

She's totally spending way too much time with him. And thats what concerning me the most. And she realizes it's hurting me, yet won't do diddly about it. Says, and I quote "I didn't get married for this, to be questioned and hassled and betold what to do and how to act."

 

This are the type of things I have to hear. I don't think its her being more concerned about him than me, I think it's her saying, I'm going to do what I want when I want because I feel I'm doing no wrong. And if I feel that way, you should too.

 

Oh we don't have kids by the way.

[whichwayisup]

Ask her how she would feel if you spent alot of time with another woman like she is with her boss.

And thats what concerning me the most. And she realizes it's hurting me, yet won't do diddly about it. Says, and I quote "I didn't get married for this, to be questioned and hassled and betold what to do and how to act."

 

Ask her then what it is that she wants. You or him. Because to me, she's acting like she's single, but when she comes home to you it's just a place to hang her hat, hang out abit before she can go out and 'date' this man! That is NOT a marriage....She should be putting your feelings and concerns first!

 

She's disrespecting your feelings, and that isn't what a wife should be doing to her husband.

[ryan05]

Ask her how she would feel if you spent alot of time with another woman like she is with her boss.

 

 

Ask her then what it is that she wants. You or him. Because to me, she's acting like she's single, but when she comes home to you it's just a place to hang her hat, hang out abit before she can go out and 'date' this man! That is NOT a marriage....She should be putting your feelings and concerns first!

 

She's disrespecting your feelings, and that isn't what a wife should be doing to her husband.

 

Have asked her about this and she says, and I believe her, that she'd be fine with it. I just don't know how to get through to her, or if it's even possible. Hence the reason I left to my brothers house. I came to the conclusion that if I'm to stay with her, than I'd have to somehow be fine with the way she acts. I thought i could come to soem compromise with her that would suit both of us but she can't even do that.

 

I dunno, she doubts that she even wants to be with me. She's told me that and says we'll see how things turn out.

 

Jesus, writing this out makes me realize how much of an blind imbocile I am. God.

 

It just really sucks to come to grips with the enivitable.I don't know how to do what I need to do. I mean, it's quite apparent that things are in real turmoil and I've been playing the walking mat through it all. Everytime I try and work with her or make a stance, something happens that makes it all blow up.

[michelangelo]

Contact a lawyer and get moving.

 

Somehow I suspect she's got Plan B fully engaged.

[whichwayisup]

She's taking advantage of your trust in her. OFCOURSE she is going to tell you that she'd be OK with it if you spent alot of time with another woman! She knows how to sugarcoat things and get the right reaction out of you, Ryan...

 

You love her and that is evident throughout your post.

 

The main issue now is, she's too emotionally attached to this man, enough that it has affected her feelings towards you. She loves you, she's just not "feeling" it the way she should be...She's putting too much of her own energy into him, whereas it should be going to you!!!

 

Start getting pissed off at her. Let her "feel" the consquences of her actions!! Until this happens, she's going to continue doing this to you. You let her do what she wants!!

 

Ofcourse you're not her father, but as her husband you DEFINATELY have a right for respect, honour and honesty from her. She's giving you none. She's not compromising either...You shouldn't be doing all the bending, she has to meet you halfway there!

 

Maybe that is what needs to happen, a huge blow up! Because if she doesn't change her ways she's gonna find herself with divorce papers!!

[ryan05]

and jsut to give you an example of how wierd this whole situation is.

 

Just got off the phone with her. This is how our convo went

 

 

Asked her how she was doing.

Fine. She told me how much she can't wait to see me.

Oh good.

Says she wants to go out for breakfast tomrrow.

Sweet!

She got tickets for a football game on Sunday.

Sweet again! Good weekend ahead.

I asked her how lunch went.

Fine, she went to Milestones.

With Rod?

Yes.

Oh. For the 2nd time this week. Jeez. A lil excessive?

Don't want to get into this right now...

Fine, can you leave on time today so we can have dinner together?

No, staying late for drinks?

But you stayed late last night, isn't that enough?

No, I like to stay late for drinks on Friday

Alright whatever, see you when I see you.

 

you see, I cannot get a read on this girl of mine. Just don't get it. Its good, good, bad bad, good, bad with her.

[whichwayisup]

She's acting selfish! Her needs/wants before yours.

 

Christ, it's Friday night, she's been working all week, why can't she come home and be with you??? Why is she so hellbent on going out with the gang (and him, or just him) at the end of the week. Why is her having drinks more important than coming home to be with you? Is it not enough for her?

[ryan05]

She's taking advantage of your trust in her. OFCOURSE she is going to tell you that she'd be OK with it if you spent alot of time with another woman! She knows how to sugarcoat things and get the right reaction out of you, Ryan...

 

You love her and that is evident throughout your post.

 

The main issue now is, she's too emotionally attached to this man, enough that it has affected her feelings towards you. She loves you, she's just not "feeling" it the way she should be...She's putting too much of her own energy into him, whereas it should be going to you!!!

 

Start getting pissed off at her. Let her "feel" the consquences of her actions!! Until this happens, she's going to continue doing this to you. You let her do what she wants!!

 

Ofcourse you're not her father, but as her husband you DEFINATELY have a right for respect, honour and honesty from her. She's giving you none. She's not compromising either...You shouldn't be doing all the bending, she has to meet you halfway there!

 

Maybe that is what needs to happen, a huge blow up! Because if she doesn't change her ways she's gonna find herself with divorce papers!!

 

 

absolutely 100% spot on.

 

Blowing up, yes, I've tried that too. Once. However, it didn't do so well when she accused me of losing my temper and saying that she is now scared of me.

lol...I've tried alot of things.

 

suggesting counseling

being reasonable

being compramising

being affectionate

being a jerk

throwing fits

taking a week off at my bros place

 

nothing seems to work.

 

But if I ignore it. And just swallow my anger, she'll be the biggest and most wonderful princess to me on earth.But do I want to swallow anger for the rest of my life. dont think so!!!

[ryan05]

She's acting selfish! Her needs/wants before yours.

 

Christ, it's Friday night, she's been working all week, why can't she come home and be with you??? Why is she so hellbent on going out with the gang (and him, or just him) at the end of the week. Why is her having drinks more important than coming home to be with you? Is it not enough for her?

 

Look, now she's got you mad.

 

Trust me, her staying late on Friday is no big deal. She does it EVERY week. I thought just because they all went out yesterday, maybe today she could skip it. Ya, I dunno what it is, she lvoes her work, and the people at it. Thats all I got.

[whichwayisup]

Tell her this.

 

"If you don't try to change and put effort into this marriage, things are going to fall apart. I am unhappy and I miss you. You seem to not want to spend time with him, you prefer being out with other people and other men. How do you think it makes me feel?" ... "I don't know how much longer I can do this."

 

Just speak from your heart. And if she doesn't respond or react the way you hope she will, then maybe you need to separate for real and talk to lawyer. As much as I'm sure it will hurt, it's something you may have to do.

 

Bottomline, you love her, but it's not enough if she isn't willing to love you back the way you need her to. She's 'choosing' to not put in any effort and she thinks it's OK. Well, it's not.

[Pink_Tulip]

what avatar?

 

I don't know, I certainly didn't see any avatar...

 

As for drinks after work, has she ever invited you? Have you ever asked if you could join? What if you just showed up with some flowers to (spy) surprise her?

 

I agree with WWIU, this doesn't look good. The reason she said she doesn't care- and is serious- about you spending time with another woman, is b/c she isn't emotionally attached to you like she should be. You meeting someone else would free her up to do what she wants.

[ryan05]

thank you all for repsonding to this thread. It helps to know I can vent and someones paying attention wholeheartedly.

 

I have no idea where to go with this. Its been a monkey on my back for a long time now.

 

Looking back on it all, as I've done many a time before, everything just seems to point to lack of respect, devotion, and just an overall sense of having a marriage and what thats all about. I told myself last January (afer 1 year of this) that if this keeps up until summer, I'd leave, and its fall now and I've gained no ground since then, and infact it's just gotten worse. I've tried everything and everything has failedand maybe thats a good tell tale sign that things probably won't get better. It's just a real crappy thing in realizing this. And to let someone like her go is going to kill me, but what else am I to do.

[whichwayisup]

Continue with individual counselling and let her know that you are unhappy. If no changes happen on her behalf, then maybe it is time to get out.

 

Sorry for your pain.

[Lennox]

Just as I encourage women to expect respect from their man, not just ask for it, I'll do the same for you friend.

 

When one partner finds out that their actions is causing pain on the other, I believe it's the responsibility of the party causing the action to either come to a mutual agreement on the matter, or stop the crap that's hurting their spouse.

 

I have a very nice male friend that until recently was very single. He's sweet, handsome, makes a good living, etc. I spent time with him, even until the wee hours of the morning at times just watching videos, being silly, etc. I made friends with him when my hubby and I were having major problems, but my friendship continued with him because he's nothing short of a gentleman. When my hubby and I got back on the right track, I always made sure to ask him if it was ok if I went to dinner for example with this guy and other friends. If I got any hint my hubby was bothered by it, I wouldn't go. Even the friendship itself, as much as I cherish it and really love this guy like a friend would go out the window if that's what my hubby would want. Why? There's no one on this earth that should be more important than your spouse. And it's not something that is unreasonable to want on his part. Now if it was my best girlfriend he wanted me to get rid of, that's a whole other issue because then I would think he's trying to undermine my support group.

 

Your situation isn't right and you have the absolute right to insist on nothing but the most intimate, transparent relationship with your wife as you can possibly have. It sucks to come in second to someone or something else in your spouse's life. It should never happen.