Threatning Divorce!

[queenbee930]

I have a friend who may be leaving to go to Afghanistan in less than a week. His wife has threatened divorce if he leaves. Which he really has no control over. They're really young, (19) and, of course, she has abandonment issues stemming from her relationships with both parents.

 

While I know they're young, they have been through tons of crap and have always stuck together. How many military types have had issues because of orders and how did you handle it? What should he do? I tried to make this short so of course I left out a lot of details. Please feel free to ask questions.

 

Please help. My friend is really having a hard time dealing with her anger, But doesn't know what to do. Thanks in advance.

[Horse]

He should do what he has to do. He has to deploy. The only thing he can do for her is to reassure her that he will come back and that he will talk to her whenever he can.

 

If she really wants to work it out, she should go get help from the family counselling office. This is a comon problem in the military and they have a whole system of people who are there to help.

 

But she would probably be doing him a favor if she split. If he is in the military and she can't deal with him being deployed, then they really shouldn't be together. It doesn't sound like she is mature enough to handle this. Deployments screw up solid marriages, let alone one between 19 year olds with abandonment issues.

 

It seemed like most people handled the absence by finding someone else to sleep with while their spouse was away. About two weeks after a deployment, the club would be packed with spouses.

 

Besides... He is a 19 year old in the military. He should be out humping everything that doesn't move fast enough.

[westernxer]

You think Uncle Sam is gonna give a rat's ass about her abandonment issues?

 

She should know this.

[IpAncA]

If he has to go then he has to go. There is nothing that she can do about it and threatening him with divorce over it is not mature. I can understand that she doesn't want him to go but she had to of known that it was a possibility.

 

My brother has already been over to Turkey once and is going again in a few months on 2 week rotations. I don't want him to go but he did sign up for it so I respect him for his decision even if I don't agree with it.

 

It's scary because I don't want anything to happen to him and he has assured me that he is much safer then most other people because he does everything in the air but you never know.

[queenbee930]

Thank you all for replying. You all said almost exactly what I did. What choice does he have? Either she is willing to stick it out or she isn't. And honestly better he find out now than later.

 

He was blind-sided by this, hell so was I. They have been through alot, and always leaned on each other. Oh well. He's got 3 days till he deploys and he is terrified that when he comes back he won't have a wife to come back to. What should I tell him? What could I possibly say to comfort the loss of his relationship, best-friend, and Wife.

 

I guess there really isn't too much too say. I mean the decision is hers, and it is out of his hands.

 

Thanks for replying. It was appreciated.

[Horse]

He needs to concentrate on the practical stuff and on getting back safe.

 

My best friend deployed for three months. When he got back the only thing left in his house was an answering machine with messages from at least a half a dozen other men. his wife cleaned out their account and a bounced bunch of checks (over $3k in fees)

 

Maybe he should take his name off of the joint account and set up a seperate one. He should also have someone else that he can trust who would be willing to make sure his bills get paid if she leaves.

 

That may also be enough to convince her to re-examine her threat.

[IpAncA]

Yeah that would probably be a good idea just to be on the safe side. There's nothing like coming back and having an I Love You gift of fees, bills, and no money.

[a4a]

What did she think he could change his mind and the multiple "situations" would disappear over night?

 

I feel bad for him, unless of course he hid the fact that he was in the military from her.

 

He needs to be prepared that she will not be there when he gets back. Get his ducks in a row just in case.

[queenbee930]

Well, they already have separate accounts, and he recently quit his job. So currently she takes care of all their financial dealings.

 

She knew he was in the military. They were together before he inlisted. She waited for him, and took care of everything until he got back.

 

I wish I could say she wouldn't cheat, but who can say that about anybody anyway?

 

I just feel bad for him. He is sooo not handling this well. I mean she is his rock. What does he do now?

[Gunny376]

Under the "Soliders ~ Sailors Releif Act of ~ a Federal Law, a civil court proceding (which is what a divorce is) cannot be brought against a member of the United States Armned Service in so long as the individual is forward deployed (under orders with the military outside the confines of the United States and its Terrortories).

 

In short she can't divorce him until he comes back. In the meantime he needs to keep tabs on his finances, to include getting a copy of his credit report every three months while he's deployed ($8 a shot).

 

She's probally she over-reacting to this deployment and will calm down given time. And, then it could go south on him. Its about 50/50. Given the age involved it will probally the latter. He's better off without her.

[bonehead]

He is National Guard or Army Reserve ( If your in the US )

 

So she thought ( as alot of people have in the past ) the he is a " weekend warrior " and wont go anywhere.

 

So its a big shock that he has to deploy. What she really needs to do is get active with the family support group.

 

What he needs to do is cover his butt. In more ways then one.

[CynicalP]

Your friend is a real piece of work. The poor guy is deploying to a warzone and could get his nads blown off and she is angry that she will have to be on her own for a while. She has the luxary of living in a safe comfortable community and she has access to her friends and family for company while he gets a hammock, a tent filled with people who snore, crappy MRE food, and constantly worrying about his backside and those around him. She is certainly getting the raw end of the deal on that one. Perhaps you can remind her about prespective and the virtues of selflessness during trying times.

[Pink_Tulip]

A lot of times fear comes out as anger. It is very easy to call her selfish and such, but it is highly possible she is reacting this way out of fear. I know if my H was in the military, going to Afghanistan, I'd be terrified. Given that she is only 19 and has abandonment issues on top of that, I'd guess she just doesn't know how else to deal with all this. Many times in these situations, the woman will push her H away emotionally, for fear he may die. It is a defense mechanism.

 

Getting angry back at her is unproductive and will add to the stress. She needs counselling. The military will provide this free of charge for spouses. She needs to look into it. Also, there are support groups for wives whose husbands are deployed. That would probably help a lot too.

[CynicalP]

Okay call me cold and callous here, but again I still see that her being inconvienced with lonliness doesn't quite measure up to the same intensity of being placed into a potentially life ending situation.

 

She certainly needs some couselling but for the sake of the young lad she should show some strength of character and put up a brave face. Don't you think it would be better for the guy to focus of keeping himself alert and alive then to be bogged down worrying if his wife will leave him. If the worst case senario occurs she still has a life to live he the other hand will not.

 

I agree it's no picnic for spouses of GIs and they shoulder alot burdens. I do understand your point about her fear leading to anger, but if she cares at all about the guy she needs not to add more stress and anxiety to the situation. If he has made a commitment to the Federal government he is not getting out of it.

[rina_r]

Oh god. I think she is young and selfish. She should not be doing that. My SO is going to Afgh. too but i would have never even thought of abandoning him.

[Pink_Tulip]

Okay call me cold and callous here, but again I still see that her being inconvienced with lonliness doesn't quite measure up to the same intensity of being placed into a potentially life ending situation.

 

She certainly needs some couselling but for the sake of the young lad she should show some strength of character and put up a brave face. Don't you think it would be better for the guy to focus of keeping himself alert and alive then to be bogged down worrying if his wife will leave him. If the worst case senario occurs she still has a life to live he the other hand will not.

 

I agree it's no picnic for spouses of GIs and they shoulder alot burdens. I do understand your point about her fear leading to anger, but if she cares at all about the guy she needs not to add more stress and anxiety to the situation. If he has made a commitment to the Federal government he is not getting out of it.

 

Cynical, everything you say is LOGICALLY correct. However, the very definition of defense mechanisms is that they are done SUBconsciously to prevent the person from experiencing pain. It is highly likely she doesn't realize she is doing this, or that she recognizes the irrational behavior but doesn't know where it is coming from. She may really believe she is no longer in love with her husband.

 

Like I said, it is really simplistic to call her names. She has come from a home where she was abandoned. She is only 19, her brain hasn't fully developed yet, and she is going through an extremely stressful time. In an ideal world she would be a rock for her husband and everyone would dance around holding daisies. Heck, in a perfect world, he wouldn't be going off to war in the first place.

 

I have said this several times in LS, and I'll say it again. People are different. They respond to issues in different ways. Some ways aren't the most productive, and can be even counterproductive. You can choose to label someone and think you know what they are feeling b/c they aren't dealing with it the way YOU would, or you could see your supposed beloved as a HUMAN BEING, flaws and all, and work together to get through this. Most people in our disposable society choose to throw it away and blame the other person. She is not a selfish bitch. She is terrified and doesn't know how to deal with it. But if you want to encourage her husband to be angry back and make this ten times worse, that is certainly your right. But I think he will feel a lot better knowing this is coming from love and fear rather than anger. JMO.

[IpAncA]

I have said this several times in LS, and I'll say it again. People are different. They respond to issues in different ways. Some ways aren't the most productive, and can be even counterproductive. You can choose to label someone and think you know what they are feeling b/c they aren't dealing with it the way YOU would, or you could see your supposed beloved as a HUMAN BEING, flaws and all, and work together to get through this. Most people in our disposable society choose to throw it away and blame the other person. She is not a selfish bitch. She is terrified and doesn't know how to deal with it. But if you want to encourage her husband to be angry back and make this ten times worse, that is certainly your right. But I think he will feel a lot better knowing this is coming from love and fear rather than anger. JMO.

 

Yep couldn't agree anymore.

 

Personally I think that she is scared, shoot I would be too and that is understandable. She has to know that he doesn't have a choice but I think just to be on the safe side he should take precautions just in case. In my experience people can suprise you and make some dumb decisions and irrationally ones in situations they can't handle emotionally.

[CynicalP]

 

I have said this several times in LS, and I'll say it again. People are different. They respond to issues in different ways. Some ways aren't the most productive, and can be even counterproductive. You can choose to label someone and think you know what they are feeling b/c they aren't dealing with it the way YOU would, or you could see your supposed beloved as a HUMAN BEING, flaws and all, and work together to get through this. Most people in our disposable society choose to throw it away and blame the other person. She is not a selfish bitch. She is terrified and doesn't know how to deal with it. But if you want to encourage her husband to be angry back and make this ten times worse, that is certainly your right. But I think he will feel a lot better knowing this is coming from love and fear rather than anger. JMO.

 

 

Nicely put Pink.. Your right there are all kinds of folks in the world who react differently. Large part of military life has to do with self sacrifice not just the for the service member but the entire family unit. It sounds like the young woman is just beginning to learn this unpleasant lesson and unlike her husband she probably didnt make that conscience decision to sign her life away on a dotted line. My initial reaction to this post is largely from my military background. Both she and her husband need support in some form. She needs the support to cope with his absense and He will need the support of having a stable life to return too if possible. I wish them both well and hope she finds her courage.

[Pink_Tulip]

Nicely put Pink.. Your right there are all kinds of folks in the world who react differently. Large part of military life has to do with self sacrifice not just the for the service member but the entire family unit. It sounds like the young woman is just beginning to learn this unpleasant lesson and unlike her husband she probably didnt make that conscience decision to sign her life away on a dotted line. My initial reaction to this post is largely from my military background. Both she and her husband need support in some form. She needs the support to cope with his absense and He will need the support of having a stable life to return too if possible. I wish them both well and hope she finds her courage.

 

Thanks. I also wanted to add that I do have a great deal of compassion for this young man. I can't imagine only having a few days left before being deployed, having your life turned upside down, not knowing whats gonna happen, and now your wife is freaking out on you. I can understand where everyone's initial reaction is that she is a selfish bitch, lol. And you are right about her needing support, but considering her background, I doubt she has any- and that is probably contributing to her freaking out. Her H has probably been her entire life until now, and now he is leaving for a long time. Leaving her all alone, AND with the possiblity of him being killed.

 

Being a wife does not make her a mature woman, she is only 19, and has a lot of issues. But they can get through this with support. I wish them the best.

 

And OP, please tell your friend I said thanks for his brave service. Our wonderful military doesn't hear that nearly enough.

[Gunny376]

If she's going to dump him ~ the time to do it is before he deploys. If not, then she shoud wait until after he gets back.

[LittleLady]

my god.. the guy has enough to worry about... hopefully he'll be coming back home in one piece!

[anna13]

I think that is just so wrong for her to say that, i know they are young and i know what you said about her abandoment issues but , does she really want her husband to leave to Iraq and to remember that his wife said she would divorce him? I just think that is so selfish of her to say something like that . I mean i know she will miss him , and she needs him here with her , but she should know this is what it means to be with someone in the military . she has all the right to tell him how she feels but throwing the D word to him , when this is something he cannot control is just not fair to him . I think that he should reasure her and let her know he will be back, and he does love her. it is easy for me to judge this lady but i dont know how hard it is to see your H have to deploy to Iraq , I mean I cant imagine the fear and pain but, like I said he has no power over the decision to go to Iraq. I wish the best for both of them .

[Gunny376]

What is all the more is that the United States Military are actively pursuing deserters from as far back as WWII, (we're talking about people in retirement and nursing homes).

 

Why? To send a clear cut message to the current enlistee's that they will haunt you and hunt you to the ground if you desert.

 

The penality use to be hard time in Leavensworth Federal penitentary. Now they just give you six, six, and a kick. (Reduction to private, six months forgieture of pay, six months in the brig / stockage) and a BCD, "Big Chicken Dinner" ~ aka Bad Conduct Discharge.

 

As a Federally Convicted Felon ~ you will have to register with the local sherriff whereever you move to, you cannot vote, and in some locals you can't own a gun, and in some states, you can't even own land. (All those these laws may have changed over the last ten years)

 

So he's really in-between a rock and a hard place.