husband problems

[Helene]

My husband of 13 years recently got angry with me and told me that he wants to go to iraq. He has been in the army for 30 years and is approaching retirement. I have told him in the past that I would hate for him to go to Iraq, when he could take a job in a place that is much safer. Right now he is deployed in an area that is only 2 hours away from our home. He comes home maybe twice a month, and when he is here we have fun together, we do house work, go shopping, and have a somewhat normal life. However, for that past few weekshe's been very distant and moody with me. I asked him about his feelings last time he was home and he yelled at me,"I want to go to Iraq". So, i now know that this mission would mean alot to him considering most of the men he works with everyday have been there and experienced something he's been working for 30 years to experience. I never knew it meant his happiness to go to iraq. I asked him when it comes to us, what's going to happen. He said he's confused, he doesn't know what he wants, but that he's tired of taking care of others and wants to do something for himself now. I have told him before that i don't want him to go because it's so dangerous, and he has respected my wished, but now he isn't happy. I know it's not fair. He wants to go, and I understand now that he needs to go so he can feel he's done his part. He is going to retire in a couple of years, so there isn't much time left for him to have an experience like this. The part that bothers me is that he's confused, he doesn't know what he wants for his life, and I am feeling that I am not a part of his life anymore. He says he loves me and that he's attracted to me still, but that he isnt "in love" with me. He said he has felt that way for 4 years. About 4 years ago, I had a drinking problem and he stuck by me, put me into rehab, and I've been sober and happy since. I don't plan on ever going back. I think he's angry, I know I've caused him pain with my drinking. Since then, he hasn't said anything about being sad, he's spoiled me since then and he thinks about me and always makes sure I am happy and that I have everything I need and want. The mention of Iraq is the first thing i've heard about his unhappiness. I'm not sure what to do. I know I need to be less needy and demanding, and I have tried. I have been leaving him supportive and loving phone messages and have not questioned him at all for the past few days(i usually do). Can someone please helpme understand what is going on in his mind? And what should I do to handle this situation? I don't want to push him away by being needy and stressing him out more than his demanding job already does. I should also mention that he said he isn't thinking of anything but himself right now

 

Thanks for reading

 

Helene

[Lennox]

30 years serving our country isn't doing his part??? Would he feel better if he had a leg blown off? Or maybe two so he can call himself Lieutenant Dan? I dunno, seems like something is really off here, and I don't even think you could up his life insurance since he's only thinking of himself. Don't turn to the military to help you sort this out, they'll be all too happy to send him. One less person in line expecting a military pension that is due one very shortly.

 

I certainly don't think he should make such a major move while he's confused. Can you imagine that he gets there and after a week decides that he's no longer confused and should come home? I don't think they would let him do that.

 

Get some non-military based counseling for Rambo before he makes his final decision. I for one don't want any more to go there, I just want them to all come home and hand that damn country back to Saddam...he was the only one that knew how to handle the crazy zealots there.

[norajane]

Going to Iraq wouldn't be "doing something for himself". That's a strange statement for him to make.

 

If he's tired of taking care of others, then looking forward to retirement would be a more logical conclusion than going to Iraq.

 

Unless...he feels he hasn't accomplished as much as he wanted to? Maybe he's going through a (late) mid-life crisis?

 

There's more to this than he's explained...try to get him to open up some more about what he's thinking.

[bonehead]

Ive been out of the army for 10 years and I have felt a draw to go. I had even gone as far as talking to a recruiter about going back in, applied for a couple jobs with private companies working in Afganistan.

 

Certian people are drawn to those types of events. And the longer you have been in the more likely you are to be at one end or the other.

 

Remember no matter how you feel about the situation in Iraq, or how he feels about it personally he has family there.

 

" hand that damn country back to Saddam...he was the only one that knew how to handle the crazy zealots there. "

 

And the world wonders why he ruled the way he did.

 

Im not goinbg to get into the right or wrong of the situation, but Saddams methods are making more sense every day. lol

[archer269]

I think i can clarify this a little for you. your husband has served for 30 yrs and not gone to battle he may feel like hes wasted 30 yrs training for something he wont do. YES it is a dangerouse place and you should worry if he goes but you should let him go. remember he stood by you when you were in need this could be your turn and it may even strengthen you relationship too.

[Gunny376]

Being a retired Marine ~ I can understand this.

 

Its like going to practice everyday for 30 years and never having been allowed to actually play a game.

 

That's part of it, another part of it, is that once you've "become" one of the military and the military has become a part of you, you want to go because of your friends and buddies. Men don't necessarly actually fight in combat because of some flag, patatorism etc ~ that's all part of the make up, but becuase of the guy that own your left and right who's won't let you down.

 

Another aspect of what your husband is gong through is that he's been "institionalized after having served in the military, Going from carrer military to civilian is all day hard. Its hard going from a hero ~ to a zero. I actually had an easier time adapting to military life than I did civilian life.

The fact that he's accomplished si much in his carrer, did this and that during his carrer doesn't amount to much. Civilian HR managers that have never served in the military don't understand the significance of our accomplishment, and they're most definately not impressed by them.

 

Even getting out and getting a college degree or having one doesn't amount to much ~ because you spent all those years in the military, and not corpotate world ~ gaining and earning real world experience. So as a consquence ~ you end up in most cases being severly under-employed. I know of Marine Gunnery Sergeant (E-7) working at Hardee's and Taco Bell. I know of Command Sergeant Major's working as janitorial supervisors for the local school district, and as prison guards. I even know of one Marine Lt. Col that is running a civilian contracted messhall!?

 

When I retired eleven years ago ~ I was in shock! I was like you want me to do what for what kind of pay?! I even had one manager ask me how much my retirement check was each month ~ and when I asked him why he needed to know that? He said so he would know how much to offer me in salary? (Yea! Right! I did 20 years in the Marines so you could pay me less!)

 

Qualification! The following is NOT to mimmize anyone's lost, suffering, scarifice, contribution ~ just my attempt to put things into perspective as I know and understand them!

 

I've lost count of the number of actual casualties ~ but the number of actual American solider killed in Iraq last I checked was less than 3000.

 

What's not reported is that a significant number of those have occured due to accidents, helicopter crashes etc. Not that there loss was any less grevious, nor less of a contribution! My simple point is that not all of those killed in Iraq were combat related. The local hometown kid that got it, did so because he crawled underneath a Hummer with his vest on and had gernades hanging off of his chest?! The pin to the gernade got caught and pulled out ~ .............................

 

There have also been suicides. but to save the family an further greif, the military has reported it as otherwise.

 

In Vietnam ~ America's longest war we lost between 50, and 60,000 dead. Even then, the statistical chances of your actually getting killed in combat ~ well you had a better chance of getting ran over by a bus at high noon crossing the street in New York City.

 

We've been in Iraq for 3-1/2 years, which is longer than we were in WWII.

In WWII we lost between 400,000 and 500,000. But from start to finish ~ we've lost less than 3000. (And, I'm not be-littling any one of them!)

 

My point is ~ if you got to go to war, your chances of making it and surving and of coming home in one piece ~ is this one.

 

If you don't let him go ~ this will haunt your marriage and him for the next twenty-thrity years!

[archer269]

SEMPER FI gunny