My dilemma...

[millicannon]

Hi all,

 

My girlfriend of 3 1/2 years broke up with me about a year and a half ago. I understand now that we were in a very unhealthy relationship and that we were both very young at relationship's end. My problems have nothing to do with not understanding why the relationship failed to work out. My problem is that I am not so certain that I will find anyone close to what my ex-girlfriend was then and is now. She graduated from undergrad at 19 with a 4.0 and was immediately hired as a pharmaceutical sales rep for Merck. She is very motivated and is willing to work for what she wants. She is one of the most beautiful people that I've ever seen as far as looks. I mean supermodel good looks, without the ego. She has a quick wit, is very charming, very loving and we share the same sense of humor. Basically, I put her up on a pedestal during the relationship, and I still have her set upon that pedestal as I write this. I have the highest respect for her in a lot of ways. She now has a boyfriend, and I am not real bothered by it in the slightest. I am eager to find someone else, as I know my relationship with my ex is not possible, even though I would be open to considering it. I honestly don't think I have a preoccupation with my ex, I just think that my standards have now been set to an unrealistic level for any girls that I might otherwise be interested in.

 

I get very discouraged because it seems that the odds are very, very low that I will ever find someone so compatible to my tastes as my ex was, and that they would find me just as compatible to their tastes enough to give me a chance. I've met many women and they fail to impress. I tend to compare them to my ex in a variety of ways. I don't necessarily long for my ex during these situations, as much I put unfair expectations on these women that I know have other qualities that perhaps I might desire. But, it is just not good enough that I realize that there are other women out there with very attractive qualities. There are very few women that have the combination of qualities that my ex had. What are the odds that lightning will strike twice? Or will I have to lower my standards? I know that I am coming across as a very picky person, but what can I do? I was spoiled with my first love. Is that a stigma that will last the rest of my life?

 

This isn't just a first love sort of thing either. Obviously, my ex and I were not meant to be together. If we were, we would still be together. I just realize the quality of a lady that I've lost and my confidence in finding a new love has dwindled so much that I figure it is just not meant to be. I guess I am wondering if it is probable that my standards will fall naturally as time passes. Or, if there are other problems that I am failing to see. Any input would be appreciated greatly. Thanks for taking the time to read. Sincerely,

Jeremy

[Bill]

I hate to tell you this, but your ex was not the best looking, nor smartest girl out there. Why would you think your quality of girlfriend would have to fall? It does seem like you are hung up on your ex. At one time I thought i'd never meet a girl like my first ex, but I did. That relationship didn't work out, but I still know that there is many great girls out there, and many not so great girls out there.

 

If she was your first girlfriend, you will automatically compare everyone to her, this is normal. Remember, no two people are exactly the same, and you can't be with her again. I believe fate has a lot to do who we are with. You were just never meant to be with her, but your time will come. Your problem seems to be that you are looking for your ex.

[Tony T]

First, your relationship with this girl lasted longer than a lot of marriages...so you enjoyed 3 1/2 wonderful years with her. That's great.

 

Second, stop mindscrewing yourself. What Bill wrote above is very true so I won't repeat any of it. Stop worrying about not finding someone like you ex. You will find someone a whole lot BETTER, but in different ways.

 

I have to say that I have fallen in true love a number of times and each time was absolutely wonderful. Every woman is unique and has her own unique qualities and we fall in love with them, not with how they stack up to others, exes, etc.

 

Frankly, as rational and sensible as your post sounds, I think you are still very much in love with your ex. You need to get over her. Part of getting over her is to STOP being obsessed with finding someone like her. Just don't even think about that anymore. And why would you want someone like her, anyway. You've already experienced her company. Go on to someone else who's company you may enjoy as much or more in a different way.

 

And take it from someone who's been there. No matter what girl you meet, there's always somebody out there more beautiful, nicer, sweeter, more generous, etc. than she is. Take my word for it. There's a lot more to falling in love than evaluating someone's various qualities. Falling in love has more to do with loving a person for who they are and giving your heart to them.

 

If you want to stay in love with your ex...or to stay in love with all the qualities she possessed that you think no other woman in the world may have...by all means do so. And plan to spend the rest of your life alone, in solitude, making love with yourself.

[velvet]

There's a lot more to falling in love than evaluating someone's various qualities. Falling in love has more to do with loving a person for who they are and giving your heart to them.

( I'll blow you a kiss for that Tony)

 

Tony is absolutely straight on that one! I too, still struggle with finding qualities, manners, perfection, but not to the degree where I just refuse every opportunity to meet people. I mean really meet them, spend time and get to know the person for awhile before doubting them.

 

You dont have to look for a relationship. You just need to find good qualities in each individual and enjoy yourself and others regardless if their not perfect in nature or quality.

 

If you want to meet the right people you have to give them a chance, unconditionally. I have the same thoughts too, I have many times looked at a persons behavior and compaired to my Perfect Ex. but than you let yourself go.

 

It would seem you would be too uptight and too serious and controlling to be around. You need to start by loosening up.

No bounadries!