Fallen For a Friend, How Do I Cope with Unrequited Love?

[Guest]

Hi everyone!

 

Posted this elsewhere but I am desperate for some advice/help!

 

My story is an age old one that I imagine many of you on here have bee through at some time, falling for a close friend! I started a new course at the beginning of September this year and met this amazing girl. She is beautiful and has the best personality I have ever come across! More (and worse) than this we have so much in common, and have so many similarities in the people we are it is literally like she is the female version of me, its got to the point now were sometimes we literally know what the other one is thinking/feeling. I am beginning to feel as if it was fate that made me meet her (I believe in all that, sad I know!) and that she could be my soul mate!

 

However, this is where the nice story ends and things get complicated. Although I have these feelings for her, I am 80% certain she doesnt not feel the same for me. Although I am sure of this I will offer some evidence/observations I have made to you guys to get a second opinion. I have severe self esteem/confidence issues with myself, so sometimes this gets in the way of me judging things right as I am so certain a girl as good as here could never find someone like me attractive in the slightest.

 

The evidence:

 

We flirt A LOT! We do the whole name calling, teasing, laughing and joking, play fighting etc. But I could see her doing this with all her male friends (she has a LOT! 2 of which have already confessed their feelings to her in the past and got shot down!).

 

Last friday night I stayed at her house till three in the morning as were up all night talking and watching films. At one point she actually said "I'm gonna sleep for a bit" and I said "I'll go then" and she said "dont be soft, stay!" In the end I went home coz she was obviously exhausted.

 

The following nite, Saturday, she invited me around and I was their till 4.30 in the morning up again all nite in deep conversations, messing round etc and then I went when she finally told me to.

 

On top of all this, theres just that "feeling" to thats somethings there. But I have a history of getting this wrong too!

 

Things she says on a day to day basis really make me think she's not interested. She will often say things like "There's no-one on the course (the one were on together) I find attractive, im interested in" and just other things that as soon as she says it you think "shes definately not interested coz she wouldnt say that" (unless shes purposefully lying? I do that!)

 

I think the real problem is that deep down I know shes not interested in anything more than friends, but it upsets me so much that I keep on looking for any scrap of evidence that gives me hope that she mite be interested, when I get it i make it out to be more than it is??

 

Anyway, this is just really getting to me and affecting my life! Its making me really depressed and getting in the way of me doing other important things coz I cant concentrate. Another worry is how I'm going to deal with her getting a new boyfriend coz its gonna happen soon, shes too perfect to be single for long, and how do you get over unrequited love when you are in constant contact with that person and cant do anything about this?? Your help/tips/advice please!

 

Next week is my 24th birthday and the plan so far is that were going to be at our mutual friends house party for it. I am at the point of not wanting to go because I know there's a very good chance shes gonna hook up with someone and I just wont be able to handle seeing that, my birthday would be ruined! So I'm thinking of just not going to avoid the potential hurt. However, then I think I would be missing out on fun and would have the most boring birthday ever alone, I just don't know what to do for the best? I'm sick of it!!

 

Anyway, if you have made it to the end well done and you don't know how truly grateful and appreciative I am. Please give any advice or help you can, it would be good to hear another perspective on this nightmare!!

 

Thanks xx

[norajane]

You have two options - either ask her out and risk rejection, or forget about it. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

 

If she has lots of guy friends, yep, she might not be at all interested in you romantically, but enjoys the friend-boy relationship. It's fun for her, a nice ego boost while she waits for a romantic prospect to come along, and you aren't complaining, so why not?

 

Or she could be interested in you, but you're making no moves, so nothing is ever going to happen.

 

But if you aren't going to put yourelf on the line, then stop hanging out with her so much, stop with the late nights and fooling around, and try to meet someone else. AND, when you do meet someone you like, don't hang around her and become her friend. Ask her out right away so you don't end up in this kind of situation again.

[HennyPenny]

She is enjoying your attentiveness and your attention. My advice? Ask her out on a real date and let your feelings be known. You can do this with simple eye contact. If she gives you the "I don't like you that way" speech or just comes across to you that way, stop being quite as accessible. You don't want to be strung along, and a surprising amount of females enjoy doing this.

[Guest]

Cheers for the replies guys, they really helped!

 

I have spent the whole day in my student flat miserable thinking about this. I know deep down she isn't interested but I keep trying to fool myself into thinking she is by over exaggerating every little positive scrap of evidence she gives.

 

My real challenge is not to ask her out, but to find away to get rid of the romantic feelings I have for her without getting hurt, any suggestions?

 

I must admit I have read through a lot of posts on this very same subject posted in the past on this site, and does seem right that girls do seem to have a habit of doing this, and from what Ive heard and read on here, the guy then asks them out (in that way) and gets rejected.

 

My problem is i am really bad with girls as i have absolutely NO self confidence with girls at all, so its not as if Im going to be out next week, see someone I like and ask them out, hence getting over my current crush.

 

Either way, whether I tell her or not, all I can see is me getting hurt and I'm fed up of getting hurt by women so I just would like some advice on the best way of avoiding this.

 

I dont want another day like today, ive never felt so depressed or alone!

[MikeC]

OMG Your situation sounds like a recent one of my. Almost identical!

 

This right here explains EXACTLY what I went through.

 

I think the real problem is that deep down I know shes not interested in anything more than friends, but it upsets me so much that I keep on looking for any scrap of evidence that gives me hope that she mite be interested, when I get it i make it out to be more than it is??

 

I am telling you right now. Do not try to make it more than it is. Girls like that just want to be your friend. It hurts and it is on your mind all of the time, I know, but let it go man. You can only get more and more hurt as the time passes, believe me.

[Broken_Toe]

Thanks for the reply Mike, even weirder (or not) I am also 23!

 

I know you and everybody else for that matter are right, but its just so hard to accept when you like someone sooooo much!

 

This always happens to me! Every time I have fallen for someone big time they have not felt the same way back. Don't get me wrong I have been in two long term relationships before, but the way it worked out we were together as an item before I actually started falling for them. Every time I have met someone, got to know them, fell for them, they have never shared the same feelings. Is it so much to ask that just ONCE I fall for someone who feels the same way about me? I guess its just not gonna happen like this for me.

 

I think what eats at me is that I know I am not the best looking lad in the world, but in every other department I am confident enough that I have the right qualities that plenty of girls would want in a boyfriend (tall, toned and built, funny, caring, loving etc etc Ive been told all these things by girls I'm not that big headed!) but because the head and face are not upto scratch they are not attracted to me, despite the other qualities. Its just really disheartening and soul destroying to be honest!

 

I just really hope that one day ill be truly happy and in love and can look back at this and chuckle with embarrassment!

[kefir]

I know exactly how you feel. Thing is, I've been in both situations. I've been the girl the guy wanted without being "capable" of loving him back, AND I'm in your situation right now myself.

 

And yeh, I'm the same, I've got my antennas broken as it were, cuz I seem to only fall for the guys who want to be friends and the guys who fall for me, well I never like them "that" way.

 

I know what it's like to meet rejection. I know what it's like to fear their next girlfriend, or in your case, boyfriend. Heck, the guy I've hopelessly fallen for went out with a girl not too long ago and I was so jealous I didn't know what to do. Then she ditched him for her ex and I was kinda relieved, but also feeling guilty about feeling relieved cuz I never want to hurt him or see him getting hurt. There are times when I want to tell him I love him, there are times when I want to tell him I hate him, even though really I don't, I just get so frustrated because all I want is to be the one to make him happy.

 

We're good friends and we spend a lot of time together, and sometimes I catch myself seeing my little torch of hope lighting up again as well and what hurts the most is having to kill that little light again. The thing is, there's no easy way out of this. I'm asking the same questions you are "how do I stop loving him (her to you )", cuz it just hurts so much knowing that they don't feel the same way and at the same time you don't want to let go either, cuz you're afraid of the consequences letting go might bring along. Plus, ultimately, you're not really able to just "let go". You may search for the button, but trust me, it's just not there.

 

My only advice to you (as I'm looking for some myself, hence I ended up on this forum ), is to surround yourself with people who love you, who make you feel appreciated. Don't EVER (and I know this is easier said than done but still) let this girl's lack of emotions for you define your worth to you. You may feel worthless at times, you may wonder what's "wrong" with you and why she doesn't feel the same way, and you may keep asking yourself these questions over and over cuz there's no real answer to them.

 

Whatever you do, try your best to avoid beating yourself up. Remember the girls who like/liked you, but you didn't want; Surely you wouldn't think less of them just cuz you didn't feel the same way about them? Maybe you don't even know the reason why you didn't feel the same way about them. It may be the same thing for her. In any case, take care of yourself! Cry lots! Don't bottle it up!

[Gonewest]

I've been looking around the net to find some advice on my own problem. Came across this forum and I've read some interesting things. Not that I know what the heck to do (if I did, I wouldn't be reading this forum now would I), but its always easier to comment on someone else's problems, so here is my 2 cents.

 

Sounds like you have painted yourself into the corner of the friendship zone. Your instincts tell you that you aren't going to take your relationship to the next level the way things are unfolding. If you go on as things are, you are just going to make yourself more and more uncomfortable. Life is too short for that.

 

If you are OK with her being in your life as a friend, and can wait to see how things progress, you can take things slowly and see how life unfolds. However, if you find your current situation too uncomfortable to continue on as things are, I think you need to find out one way or another where you stand. If you let her know you want to go to the next level and she is interested, life is wonderful.

 

If however you let your true feelings be known and she doesn't see you that way, hopefully you will have saved yourself countless hours of pining and morose. Usually not knowing is worse than knowing a bad outcome. If nothing is going to come of this, its going to hurt big time, but then you mourn, heal, and move on. Hopefully the next one will work out better. If not the next one, then the one after that. Don't torture yourself with wondering. If it ain't gonna happen, move on. One door closes, and another one opens. Who knows, maybe she is the one, but you gotta find out where you stand. Good luck.