Troubled with wife's past

[blind_otter]

If it doesn’t then I’d question if you really care or are maybe a little out of touch with your feelings.

 

Woah, maybe I am out of touch. Like, say my SO said he had unprotected group sex with prostitutes. That would be disgusting. Then if he admitted it had been over 15 years since the incident occurred, I would wonder to myself -- WTF is wrong with our communication skills and emotional intimacy that this didn't come up during the premarital courtship phase?

 

I mean, I'm just saying. I would liken the feeling to the feeling you get when you buy a lemon. You thought it was one way, and found out that it's another.

 

My issue is never what someone has done because let's face it, I've probably done worse. My issue is the deceit and subterfuge involved in hiding the fact for so long.

[amerikajin]

Now your partner just came back to and said, I was just kidding. It did happen but it happened way before I was with you and then laughs it off. He or she states that it was way in his or her past so it's no big deal and it shouldn’t bother you. Do you still feel any of those feeling you had before? To have some of those feelings somewhat is human. To understand them takes effort and deep thinking. To accept them takes time I think. If it doesn’t then I’d question if you really care or are maybe a little out of touch with your feelings.

 

Bad analogy. The former hypothetical would imply an affair, the latter is just something that happened before you came along. Most of us have a past.

 

But your example does prove something - it proves that sometimes humans just can't handle the truth, which is why I am not always keen to promote the idea of "100 percent honesty is the best policy". Sometimes it's not.

[shoedevil]

But your example does prove something - it proves that sometimes humans just can't handle the truth, which is why I am not always keen to promote the idea of "100 percent honesty is the best policy". Sometimes it's not.

Paternalism in relationships... what a stellar idea!

Who wouldn't love to be treated like a child by their SO?

[amerikajin]

Paternalism in relationships... what a stellar idea!

Who wouldn't love to be treated like a child by their SO?

 

Yeah, well, look at the thread. This guy's girl gives him full disclosure and look at what happens...in his mind she's basically judging her to be some kind of slut. But if it had been the other way around, he'd probably be saying "Well, uh, those were in my young and wild days" and expect her to just deal with it because after all, boys will be boys.

 

Sometimes, girls will be girls too. Girls like sex just as much as men do, and I don't know about you, but I'm kinda glad that they do. Otherwise, reproduction might be a bit hard to come by.

 

It's a fact that we all have a past. Some have a more interesting history than others, and frankly, some people might not be able to stomach our history. I don't see anything wrong with playing down certain facts about your history - we do it all the time. Does everyone tell someone at a job interview about how they got drunk at a frat party and pissed on someone's front lawn or how they smoked weed when they were a senior in high school? No, because it will cast aspersions on them that are not especially reflective of their character as a whole. If the woman in question had actually had a threesome while they were engaged or during any point of their relationship, you could then make the argument that the lack of disclosure was potentially harmful. There are some things I won't know about my partner, and some things I probably don't want to know about her past. Fine with me as long as it doesn't materially affect the present state of affairs.

[shoedevil]

Girls like sex just as much as men do, and I don't know about you, but I'm kinda glad that they do. Otherwise, reproduction might be a bit hard to come by.

Sorry, I'm not too interested in whether "girls like sex as much as men do" or any other silly generalization. One girl is enough for me, and we're not together just to pump out kids. I think most guys in the real world feel the same way. But since you're so concerned with keeping the species going, I assume you've been breeding like a white rabbit with as many women as possible, right? And no cheating using contraception...

[amerikajin]

Sorry, I'm not too interested in whether "girls like sex as much as men do" or any other silly generalization.

 

It's not a silly generalization at all. The OP is talking about how he's fantasized about a threesome, and I assume he also has a sexual history. I don't know whether he's ever had just casual sex or not, but I'm going to surmise that he probably has at one point or another, and that he doesn't seem to have a problem with casual sex in general, so with respect to the issue at hand, I don't see what his problem is with her having had a threesome (or even two) when she was a bit young and wild.

 

Society seems to condone young men having a few sexual escapades, but simultaneously frowning upon women who do so. I'm not saying you necessarily see it this way, but that's the norm. It exposes a blatant hypocrisy with regard to sex, and that's just one of several reasons why I think American attitudes toward sex in general tend to be quite dishonest, childish and just downright stupid. I think our society needs to grow up.

 

One girl is enough for me, and we're not together just to pump out kids. I think most guys in the real world feel the same way. But since you're so concerned with keeping the species going, I assume you've been breeding like a white rabbit with as many women as possible, right? And no cheating using contraception...

 

One girl is enough for me as well, but I don't judge someone for having had a threesome if that's something that all three people agreed to do at the time. I suppose it is a matter of degree - one threesome might be acceptable whereas I might start to wonder if she'd done this sort of thing regularly, mainly out of concern that I was with someone who wasn't practicing safe sex.

 

My real point, and the reason I wanted to contribute to this thread, is to say that the OP's partner did nothing wrong and he needs to get over it. I can understand he might have wished that she hadn't done that, and I suppose it can change someone's image a little bit, but that's the way it is. Frankly, I think she shouldn't have told him anything. As long as she was faithful to him, he didn't have to know that she'd been a little bit adventurous before they met.

[cutegirl]

I consider myself a "nice" girl. I'm 28 and only slept with 2 guys my entire life. Therefore my ideal man would have to be a "nice" guy too. I would not be too happy about being with a man that has had a lot of sexual partners, banged hookers, goes to massage parlors.. etc I prefer someone with the LEAST amount of partners. There is no double standard though because I meet my own standards.

 

I'm not a religious person at all, and my morals are loose, I don't really have high or strict morals at all to be honest. It's mainly a jealousy and ego thing. I want my man to be "clean" and not "ho'ish". If a guy had too many partners I would constantly be thinking about what the other girl looked like, how she performs in bed, how I compare to her, ad NAUSEUM... etc It would be on my mind for all eternity and something I could never get over, even though it happened before me.

 

I don't know which one is better though for certain, an "innocent" guy might still cheat cause he wants to know "what's out there", but someone who has experienced lots of women knows what that is like and might want to experience it again and again! So either way you're gonna get screwed.

 

For my own sanity I still prefer a "nice" guy so I don't have to stress out all the time about their past, but neither is a guarantee of faithfulness of any kind. That's the sad thing.

 

A guy's past is one of the first thing I look for and analyze in depth when meeting someone. And I have excellent snooping/detective/sleuthing skills and can find out just about anything. I would not even consider a guy with a promiscuous past.

[justagirlforever]

wow I guess I must come across and the biggest slut and scum on the earth then

In many ways I grew up very conservatively. Was always miss goodie two shoes. Never spoke about sex and was a virgin till well in my mid twenties. Never even kissed a guy until then. Never did drugs and drank alcohol. Never even thought about it or even felt that I was missing out - even though everyone around me was into all that. Always thought I'd one day just meet the man of my dreams and live happily ever after.

 

One day I realised that was never going to happen if I lock away myself. So I went out and explored the world - and my sexuality. I have absolutely no regrets and will always be very open about this with whomever I choose to have a relationship. If they can't accept that, they're not for me.

I explored many many sexual experiences. Threesomes, girl-on-girl, fetish clubs, whatever, you name it. Never did I think that made me a slut. But it seems for most of the posters here it makes me scum. Guess I'm just happy and content that I'm so incredibly open minded. However some of you will choose to see. I couldn't care less

 

Many people still see me as miss goodie two shoes. I'm fiercely loyal and faitful and will always be. In my opinion I still have very high values and morals. Those who don't really know me, see me as conservative (in nature). I don't believe in lies and cheating and fully respect anyones view or opion. Nothing (sexually) anyone has ever done (unless of criminal nature), will make me feel insecure or love them less.

 

Be and let be.

[amerikajin]

wow I guess I must come across and the biggest slut and scum on the earth then

 

You must remember that most of the posters here are American and Americans have big hang-ups about sex - at least publicly anyway. I think our attitudes about sex and 'appropriate' sexual conduct are shaped deeply by our religious influences, even among those who don't necessarily identify with a religion. I think most of us would be surprised to learn that our sexual attitudes are more similar to those in the Islamic Middle East than those of other Western countries.

[Walk]

I'm fiercely loyal and faitful and will always be. In my opinion I still have very high values and morals......... I don't believe in lies and cheating and fully respect anyones view or opion. Nothing (sexually) anyone has ever done (unless of criminal nature), will make me feel insecure or love them less.

This is a good point. To equate 3-ways, or "non-traditional" sexual acts, to no morals, or loose morals, is illogical. You taking a situation in which all parties understood the agreement and the outcome. No one was decieved, lied to, or misrepresented in any way.

 

Yet many men have no problem lying, or discieving, a woman in order to get her in the sack. It's not considered low morals for a man to do this, it's actually applauded. Take James888 for instance, he admitted to using and abusing women in the past. Yet he's supposed to dump his wife because she's a slut? She went into a situation where all the participants had full disclosure on what the agreement was. Sex for just enjoyment. James888 on the other hand (if he holds true to the male standard) lied and decieved women as to the nature of their act. From my experience the normal route is to lead the woman to believe there will be more than just sex involved. If he's done this, then James888 has far lower morals than his wife, and he poses more of a risk for cheating, lying, and being dishonest then his wife does. But he's still considered a stud, and his wife is the slut?

[shoedevil]

It's not a silly generalization at all. The OP is talking about how he's fantasized about a threesome, and I assume he also has a sexual history.

You've taken a specific example and applied it to all men and women. That's the definition of a generalization. And I don't think this generalization has any basis in fact. If anything, women report having a lower sex drives than men do...

Society seems to condone young men having a few sexual escapades, but simultaneously frowning upon women who do so... It exposes a blatant hypocrisy with regard to sex... American attitudes toward sex in general tend to be quite dishonest, childish and just downright stupid. I think our society needs to grow up.

Can you point to any evidence or facts that support this assumption? I mean, other than simple anecdotes such as the issue presented here (which may or may not be true). You've made a far-reaching generalization about an entire society's attitude on a very specific issue... can you back this up with any research, surveys, etc.? I'm just trying to educate myself, because I've looked and looked and haven't been able to find the proof. I know that most people believe that there's an active sexual double standard, but belief isn't necessarily correct. Perception doesn't always equal reality...

One girl is enough for me as well... I suppose it is a matter of degree - one threesome might be acceptable whereas I might start to wonder if she'd done this sort of thing regularly

Weren't you railing against monogamy, and advocating open relationships in another thread...? And if you think "the sky's the limit" on sexual behavior, why bother wondering about her at all? But you're correct on one point - it is always a matter of degree. One person's level of acceptance can be very different than another person's. That's probably a good reason to not even get involved to begin with...

[shoedevil]

I consider myself a "nice" girl. I'm 28 and only slept with 2 guys my entire life. Therefore my ideal man would have to be a "nice" guy too. I would not be too happy about being with a man that has had a lot of sexual partners, banged hookers, goes to massage parlors.. etc I prefer someone with the LEAST amount of partners. There is no double standard though because I meet my own standards.

You and I share the same standard, a single standard. And I think most people have a similar view on this issue. Most men and women admit they prefer monogamous committed relationships, they haven't cheated, they haven't had casual sex, they haven't had group sex, etc. It's that 10-15% that push the sexual envelope, which is completely within their right to do so, and then call the rest of us close-minded, insecure, immature prudes...

 

I've never been promiscuous, nor would I want to spend the rest of my life with someone who had been. I don't think that's being judgemental, I think that's having a consistent standard. My view on casual sex is not based on any religious notions, just basic secular ethics. Treat everyone with some minimum level of respect. In my book, casual sex is the same as treating someone like a sexual object. I don't view women as merely things to have sex with. But some people want to be treated as such. Which is fine. I just can't sympathize...

[Walk]

Can you point to any evidence or facts that support this assumption?

 

GENDER ROLES, NORMS, AND SEXUALITY

 

Gender roles and gender-typed expectations may have direct implications for men's and women's sexual attitudes and behavior. In general, men are expected to take agentic roles, being assertive, independent, and dominant, and women are expected to serve communal roles, being relationship oriented, selfless, and submissive (Cejka & Eagly, 1999; Glick, 1991). Such expectations encourage and foster role-consistent behavior by men and women both privately (Wood, Christensen, Hebl, & Rothgerber, 1997) and publicly (Eagly, Wood, & Diekman, 2000). If women are expected to be relationship oriented, they may also be expected to disapprove of and avoid sexual behaviors that are perceived as being threatening to relationships or self-serving, such as casual sex, masturbation, and use of hardcore or softcore erotica. In contrast, frequent and early recreational sex as well as autoerotic sexual behaviors are more socially approved of and encouraged for men than for women. These behaviors are considered more agentic and independent than sexual behavior associated with long-term commitment, and men can enhance their dominance and power by participating in a greater number of short-term rather than close, long-term relationships (Baumeister & Sommer, 1997; Gabriel & Gardner, 1999). Consistent with this gender role perspective of sexuality, the only large sex differences reported in Oliver and Hyde's (1993) meta-analysis of various sexual domains were for attitudes toward casual sex and reported incidence of masturbation.

 

The potential effects of these broad gender expectations on sexuality are currently evident in the sexual scripts that regulate men's and women's sexual behavior. In sexual encounters, men are expected to initiate and women are expected to react and comply (Rose & Frieze, 1993; Shotland & Hunter, 1995). Some researchers have suggested that differences in sexual desire between men and women could be attributed to the social pressures that are placed on women to stifle their sexuality, as dictated by sexual scripts (Leiblum, 2002). Furthermore, many people still accept some version of the sexual double standard, in which men are afforded more sexual freedom than women, and women are expected to be more reluctant than men to acknowledge their desire for sex (Gentry, 1998). Women and men can anticipate different consequences when deviating from their prescribed behavior: Men are likely to find their sexual orientation or potency questioned, while women risk being labeled "sluts" or "whores." Indeed, societal judgments of sexually permissive women continue to be harsher than those of sexually permissive men in certain circumstances (Milhausen & Herold, 2001; Sprecher, McKinney, & Orbuch, 1987).

 

References:

Alexander, M.G., Fisher, T.D., "Truth and consequences: using the bogus pipeline to examine sex differences in self-reported sexuality" Journal of Sex Research, Feb 2003.

[blind_otter]

Oh Walk, I loved the article.

 

But you and I both know that people believe what they believe, just because they believe it. Not for any other real or logical reason. And even in the face of glaring evidence to the contrary.

[shoedevil]

GENDER ROLES, NORMS, AND SEXUALITY

A good article, though I don't see how it proves that most people actually use the double standard to evaluate each other as potential dating partners. If anything, it just confirms that most people believe a sexual double standard exists. Though it's irrelevant to this discussion, I've never met anyone, man or woman, who actually used a double standard personally. Here's some info, what do you think...?

 

Does the Sexual Double Standard Still Exist? Perceptions of University Women

 

Although the women overwhelmingly perceived a societal double standard in which they felt women's behavior was judged more harshly than that of men, the students did not personally support the double standard. Furthermore, by asserting that sex is important to them, these women have rejected one of the fundamental tenets underlying the double standard.

 

Traditionally, another indicator of support for the sexual double standard has been the words used to describe men and women with many sexual partners. In this study, contrary to the double standard, the women gave mostly negative labels to both men and women who were highly sexually experienced. Interestingly, some of the words that have traditionally been used to describe the behavior of women were also used by this sample to describe men who had many partners, in particular the word "slut." This choice of words is an indication of a shift toward a more negative evaluation of men who have many partners. Men were also commonly categorized as being sexual predators. The term "player," a relatively new term not yet reported in the literature, was often used to label highly experienced men as being manipulative and exploitative.

 

It should be noted that the question asking for words to describe a man or a woman who has many sexual partners was preceded by the question which asked if the participants believed there was a double standard in which it was more acceptable for a man to have had more sexual partners than a woman. Given that almost all of the respondents agreed with this statement, we might have expected that the respondents would have been predisposed to offer substantially fewer negative labels attached to the men than to the women. That this did not happen indicates that our female respondents were clearly making a distinction between their perceptions of societal norms and their own feelings regarding the double standard.

 

In a direct test of the double standard, the students were asked whether or not they would discourage either a female or a male friend from dating someone who had had intercourse with more than 10 partners. Contrary to our hypothesis, the women did not personally endorse the double standard. In fact, they were more likely to discourage a female friend from dating a highly experienced male than to discourage a male friend from dating a highly experienced female. These findings again suggest that women today may be judging highly experienced men more negatively than experienced women (a reverse double standard). This might be explained by the traditional script: Men are seen as strong and capable of self-preservation, whereas women are seen as potential victims who need to be defended. O'Sullivan (1995) noted that a highly experienced male might be seen as someone who is more likely to ignore signs of resistance during a sexual encounter.

 

As predicted in our second hypothesis, women who had more sexual partners were more likely to accept a dating partner who had more sexual experience. Because sexually experienced women are more attracted to sexually experienced men, the probability of these men having even more sexual partners in the future is heightened. As indicated in the open-ended question which asked the women to list positive aspects of an experienced man, several of the women indicated that this man could be appealing because he might have greater sexual expertise, and thus be better able to sexually satisfy his partner.

 

Reference:

Milhausen, Robin R. "Does the Sexual Double Standard Still Exist? Perceptions of University Women" Journal of Sex Research, Nov 1999.

[shoedevil]

But you and I both know that people believe what they believe, just because they believe it. Not for any other real or logical reason. And even in the face of glaring evidence to the contrary.

As with all complex social issues, I don't think the evidence is so glaringly in favor of only one conclusion...

[shoedevil]

GENDER ROLES, NORMS, AND SEXUALITY

I noticed this conclusion near the bottom of the study you quoted...

 

"Several recent sexuality surveys have found no sex differences in self-reported sexual behavior (Browning, Kessler, Hatfield, & Choo, 1999), incidence of casual sexual interactions (Maticka-Tyndale, Herold, & Mewhinney, 1998; Paul, McManus, & Hayes, 2000), number of sexual partners in the past year (Brown & Sinclair, 1999), or desired number of lifetime sexual partners (Pedersen et al., 2002). The lack of sex differences in these studies and in our analysis may reflect currently shifting gender roles and their subsequent impact on normative expectations and expressions of sexual behavior."

 

I agree that most people believe a sexual double standard exists and exclusively benefits men, but how do you explain this? Why are both men and women on average reporting similar sexual statistics? If there was a vast double standard, then why aren't all of us sex-crazed men taking advantage of it?

[Walk]

Read this... I have to run to class. Didn't have time to read through it all, but you said you were looking to expand your knowledge. If that's true, and you weren't simply attempting to be obstinant.. then you may find this interesting. I don't know if it proves, or disproves your hypothesis. It's simply information.

 

http://www.findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m2372/is_2_42/ai_n13822491/pg_3

 

Actual versus desired initiation patterns among a sample of college men: tapping disjunctures within traditional male sexual scripts

Journal of Sex Research, May, 2005 by Shari L. Dworkin, Lucia O'Sullivan

 

Found at: http://www.findarticles.com/

[blind_otter]

I agree that most people believe a sexual double standard exists and exclusively benefits men, but how do you explain this? Why are both men and women on average reporting similar sexual statistics? If there was a vast double standard, then why aren't all of us sex-crazed men taking advantage of it?

 

This was a recent statistic. IMO, there really is no difference between the sexual exploits of women and men but up until the sexual revolution women were much less likely to indulge and more likely to be dishonest if they did indulge.

 

I mean, you can't really deny that for centuries women labored under a very cruel dogma that they were incapable of achieving intellectual equality with men. I think that recently things are evening out but they are far, far from equal.

 

Ironically though, I'd think you'd have to experience life as a woman for a while to realize this.

[blind_otter]

As with all complex social issues, I don't think the evidence is so glaringly in favor of only one conclusion...

 

The fact remains. The basis of conviction rarely lies in logic.

[shoedevil]

I mean, you can't really deny that for centuries women labored under a very cruel dogma that they were incapable of achieving intellectual equality with men. I think that recently things are evening out but they are far, far from equal.

I've studied social history, and I agree, of course. Could you tell me what this has to do with the current discussion? I've never encountered anything in the historical record, or modern-day religious dogma, that explicitly condones male promiscuity. In fact, male promiscuity has always been viewed as a vice, but female promiscuity was punished far more harshly. Ironically, I think the sexual revolution has done more to promote promiscuity in general than thousands of years of male-dominated Western Civilization. Now whether promiscuity (male and female) is a positive social virtue is another issue. However, if and when I raise kids I'm not going to teach them that "exploring one's sexuality" through casual sex is a good thing to do. Just my view, that's all...

The fact remains. The basis of conviction rarely lies in logic.

Could I translate this statement? Does it mean that any research that confirms your position is the gospel truth? And any research that casts doubt on your position is worthless crap? Because it doesn't sound like you've even bothered to read any of the sources I pointed out...

[shoedevil]

Didn't have time to read through it all, but you said you were looking to expand your knowledge. If that's true, and you weren't simply attempting to be obstinant.. then you may find this interesting. I don't know if it proves, or disproves your hypothesis. It's simply information.

Another good study, I hadn't seen it before. The conclusion seems to be that some men prefer to initiate sex themselves, some prefer women to inititate sex, and some prefer both genders to work together in initiating sex. I don't know if this directly relates to the issue of the double standard... But thanks, new information is always good information. I don't think disagreeing with the general view is being obstinate... but if I had nothing to back up my views then I'd agree. I didn't author any of this research, so it's not really my hypothesis. But I think good evidence exists to support the theory that a) there's a strong belief that the S.D.S. exists, and b) there's very little evidence that the S.D.S. is actually practiced. That's my view, but I'm willing to change it. One more study you can check out on findarticles.com:

 

"The Sexual Double Standard: Fact or Fiction?"

Sex Roles: A Journal of Research, Feb. 2005 by Michael J. Marks, R. Chris Fraley

 

I didn't want to include the link because of commercial ads on the page. But what really stood out for me was the statistic showing that only 17% of people thought that men who slept around were "studs". The rest used words like "whore/womanizer/sexual predator" to describe such men. If there is a vast double standard, why don't more people view promiscuous men in a positive light?

[Woggle]

Walk does have a good point. I don't believe in ever deceiving somebdy and if James did that to women them he has much lower morals than his wife does. If my wife ever cheated on a man, used a man for his money or something else he could give her, or dated a married man that would bother me a whole lot more than if she did some sexual things where all parties knew what the deal was. Also I admit there is a double standard as far as sex but women also have many double standards in their favor so it is not as one sided as some people think.

[Doupe]

I had alot of fun while reading this thread. I told myself not to look at "i can't get over the sexual past of my bf/gf" threads and because of that this is finaly the last thread i'm reading and the first one i'm actually responding to since this probably the best one out there (out of maybe 100).

 

My story : Fell in love with the best babe ever. Knew from start something's wrong with her. For some reason she told me after some time with shame that she has done some silly things like getting drunk and doing some ape **** with the boys. My inner alarm started ringing. Tricked her into filling a sexual poll which sends results back (funny i'm not alone in doing this). After filling the formular it told her that the results will be send to me. I've read it. Didn't beleive it. Then met her.. she told me it was the truth.

 

By that time I was already in love (yeah yeah that fuzzy little feeling in stomach.. those heatwaves and blah blah blah.. my brain chemistry going crazy). By the way I was a VIRGIN Yeah a damn virgin...

 

I was like : " Hey ok she enjoys sex.. what's bad with that ". So it didn't bother me like for 2 weeks. But then suddenly BOOM.. a vision of her and the threesome she had poped in my head. Everything crashed.. feeling of disgust, repulsion, weakness, ilness blah blah blah blah

 

Fast forward over 12 months of personal hell, fights because of it, ill moods, 2 almost breakups, spending hunderds and hundreds of hours analyzing what was going on inside and looking for a cure until really finding it.

 

Present situation : Cured for 9 months. Not a single bad vision. Beautiful relationship. Success in love and profesional life. EUREKA!!!! Cured forever!!

____________________________________________________

 

Now to you guys. Alot of you were I'm sad to say quite wrong and what you said has and will have no effect on the way our subject will feel in the long run.

 

Few points...

 

1. Sex of all kinds is moral .. but not under all circumstances

2. Female sexual liberation doesn't really mean being "promiscuous"

3. This is not a double standard thing. Women have the same problems.

4. If you have not been in a situation or can't imagine it then you have no idea what is it all bout.

5. Being promiscuous doesn't mean you're really good in bed.

6. The problem that subject has is not an anomaly. It's completly normal...

7. Not all men nor women have a fantasy of having 2 women in bed.

8. Porno in its all kinds ****s us up.. it's really THAT BAD...

9. People who don't have the guts to ask their partners about their sexual past are putting themselves to risk (oh really you want to tell me that you would without problem take that your partner had an 9 hours straight ****ing marathon with 5 other folks as a fact... BS.... btw not knowing IS a good strategy.. but risky... wish you luck)

10. The mind is still not that strong to overcome basic instincts. We're still minions of our bodies. Why the heck do we want to **** in the first place?? Because of our bodies.. free of hormones we don't want it...

 

The problem is what does the subject feel. You can rationalize forever. You can also dissect the problem into tiny pieces but will still make you feel **** no matter what you tell yourself.

 

There are two ways to fight this

 

1. Never think of it again because it will always make you feel ****. A plaster solution.

2. A 99,9% cure solution. To find if there's something that could make you feel less **** if you think about it. To dig into it until you find a key how to free yourself from all the bad feelings. <br>Telling yourself that it's irrational, stupid, jealous isn't really going to help you. You're only beating yourself. The only good direction is not history, evolution and blah blah blah. But the personality of your partner, worthiness, power (men fear the power of women.. good point Walk.), and the experience itself. You can dig up something that can calm your brain forever. But there's maybe nothing to dig...

 

I didn't want to go the first way. Actually I had luck that I dug up everything that set me free .. it was like a game... i find and imagine fact A and it makes me feel ****.. i find and imagine fact B and it makes me feel alot more ****tier.. i find fact C and it suddenly makes me feel much better about the A and B. If you try to understand why some facts make you feel **** you might found very disturbing answers. So it's no use. Just look for facts and test how they make you feel.

 

I hope everybody will find his own way of dealing with it. Threads like these helped me in the past to atleast have some faith in looking for something that will help me becuase i've seen really few posts of people who got over it. So this is my thanks to all of you on all boards

 

PS : I'm very sexual. Dream of love and stockings rather than threesomes. Multi-orgasmic, unlimited stamina.. blah blah blah blah blah... in other words not your average retroactively jealous virgin...  you just don't want to know...

[Doupe]

Oh I was too tired and forgot about the main thing.

 

The power play... yeah the power play is most important. It's all about who's treating who like trash. Who was used, who didn't treat your partner like he should and etc etc. Our subject manifests the typical symptom of every gal/guy in this situation. Was she used when she had a threesome?? This topic also appeared in the Chasing Amy film (which is shallow and sadly almost no help to people in this situation). Good topic on this dillema which is responsible for alot of illl feelings also appears in the book by Mellissa Panarello - 100 Strokes of the Brush Before Bed.

 

The problem is that when somebody treats your partner as a sex toy it can lead to your disrespect towards the partner. Inner head questions like how could she let herself be treated like that?? What the hell was she thinking??? For you she's loosing some kind of a inner value and for your instincts she begins to be potentionaly dangerous and shoudln't be trusted etc etc. Again this is trying to describe something absolutely weird you feel in words and that is not a very correct way.

 

When people like to talk about evolution during promiscuity threads they talk something about people being able to have enjoyable non-reproductive sex and that we're in the control. But we are not as you really think we are. Jealousy and all these things come from the same places like the hunger for sex and even love. With our mind we have the abillity to affect the more primitive parts of our brain. If I had a threesome with my gf with other girl she would know that I basicaly cheated on her but can convince her inner self that I didn't but still there's that primitive part of the brain which knows i did. Well this is again a plaster solution but it can last forever depending on how good you are. For some people it explodes later and they regret all the **** they've done and even start loosing respect toward partner... this stuff is really sad because it destroys alot of relationship... i've been reading this stuff for ages.. yes it does happens....

 

So basicaly all these things are good mechanisms for choosing the correct partners who have a less probability of doing something that your inner self would evaluate as treacherous or weakling like. We all see the same pattern in people that have these problems. Well they're only human without good plasters or without a potential cure.. that's all.. I was one of them too... life's never been easy...

 

Ok to sum it up dear subject... explore the power play between your partner's past relationships/**** buddies and her. The thing that might be bothering you is her inner woman power over men (but only in the sex stuff area) or that she would handle herself to trashy idiot men without any thinking. And what's her power level now.

 

I don't want to trash people who do promiscuous looking things. They only should understand that even people who did promiscuous things might have problems with all this... i've seen people who were defending other ones who did "some things" and later had problems with their own partners doing "some things" .. they coudln't beleive it what was happening... ****. Hypocrisy?? Well ... yes and no.. but that's life.. you can't have your cake and eat it.. well sort of