Should I even Try

[svj]

I was going out with a woman (Sh'es 44 I'm 42) for 8 months . We had known each other and had dated 9 years ago. Back then it didn't work because I had just gone through a divorce and came to realize emotionally wasn't ready, but we talked occassionally on the phone over the years. In 1999, I joined the army and in 2003, just before I deployed to Iraq I called her. She was moving from PA to Ohio with a guy and getting married. Up to that point I had always hoped for another chance, but wished her luck. I have since gotten out of the army and In March of this year I inadvertantly came across her name in the phone book. I asked a mutual friend about it (this friend had introduced us originally) and she said "Yeah, she's back home and back to her old job." She then said "i'm going to call her and tell her you asked about her." She did, the response was positive and we went out and it went great.

After about 2 weeks (we seen each other almost every day) she started to become distant. Eventually she confessed that it was because she was scared of her feelings fo me baecause she had been hurt so bad in the last relationship (OHIO). Withina week or 2 she came around in a big way and finally said she loved me. Things were great. But during the summer, by the way I joined the National Guard in FEB I ended up going to 3 different military schools, necessary to my job, and was gone 2 wks, 1 wk and 2wks from June to August. I am also a corrections officer in a max sec. State Prison and work 10pm-6am. (She works 8 am-4:30pm) She began to feel slighted and told me this. I was also considering Active Duty again. She again became insecure and she would make it known to me. A couple of times she said we shouldn't see each other any more but I manage,or so I thought to smooth it over. She always said she loved me and was physically attracted to me. Then after maybee a month of me only seeing her on my days off (3-4 days no contact) she said it again, but this time she became distant, started making excuses not to see me and finally told me That wwe couldn't see each other. I tried to get her to go out some night but to no avail. The whole "final conversation" lasted about 15 min. She said we could be friends but I just can"t do that. She then said she had to go but did't just want to hang up. I couldn't say anything. I did'nt want to say goodbye.after a long pause She said my name again and I just hung up. This was Wed 11/8 and I haven't had any contact wioth her. Does she even still care or am I just forgotten. Any advice will help. Thanks

S.

[daphne]

I'll be honest. Your profession is pretty hard on relationships and most women aren't going to want to be with someone who's going to be out of town a lot. At least not those that give a damn about you. I think you need to be realistic and realize that as much as she likes you, you're not going to be able to fill each other's needs. You need someone who can deal with your lifestyle. It won't work otherwise.

 

I believe that even if you managed to get her back it wouldn't work out.

[svj]

The thing is, I'll be out of the National Guard in FEB and it would be possible to spend more time with her, which I should have done already. What I'm wonderins is do you think she still cares and is she missing me at all?

[Spinderella]

Maybe you should talk to her honestly, and apologise for hanging up on her too. Let her know that you actually understand where she is coming from, but first of all make sure that you do. Because you are so busy it may be hard to imagine what your relationship was like from her perspective. It is hard to be spontaneous in such a relationship, where your time together is completely dictated by the other persons commitments and she also probably knew that she could not really make a fuss. After all, it was work. The whole relationship then was controlled by you, not that you intended it that way, but I can imagine that to be frustrating for her. That does not mean that you should change your lifestyle completely for another person, but, either you find somebody who is compatible with it, or you make compromises. You say that things will change in Feb, then tell her this, explain that you understand, that you hope it isnt too late, and that you are sorry for hanging up on her, when really it wasnt her fault.