Why?

[Christine]

HI!

 

About a year ago I met a really nice guy. I got to know him and his friends in some bar we

 

frequented regulary, and at first I had no interest in him whatsoever.

 

We (my two best friends and I) just got along really well with him and his "gang" - they were all

 

foreigners and on a one - year work experience in my country.

 

We all spent all weekends together - partying and going out! We had a lot of fun together, and I

 

started to get real good friends with him. I enjoyed our frienship as we could talk about

 

anything - and always found new (and often quite silly) ideas to spend the evening...!

 

He was engaged, and his girlfriend of several year was still back home - so although I started

 

feeling a bit more for him - I always denied my feelings.

 

We were mates, and I respected his relationship! I knew he loved his girlfriend, so there was

 

no question that there could be more.

 

But once he got very drunk, and started to make a move at me. He told me that he liked me,

 

but I didn´t take it serious, as he just missed his girlfriend at this time! So we had a long talk,

 

why there can´t be anything, and although I liked him a lot by this time, I was the one to tell

 

him all different reasons for not starting anything.

 

Unfortunatly I had to find out the next day that he was too drunk to have rembered anything

 

from our talk our what he said that evening! I was just hurt - it had cost me a lot of strengh to

 

be the one to tell him not to - it hurt a lot - and he didn´t even remember!!!

 

But I got over it, and there was no more under-the-surface-attraction, just a good friendship!

 

All our friends had no clue what had been going on!

 

Till two weeks before he left. It was already some kind of farewell - party, and we both got

 

pretty drunk. I do not remeber anymore how it came to this, but at 4 or 5 in the morning I found

 

myself in his arms - and we must have looked as if we would rip each others cloths off any

 

minute! Although I didn´t sleep with him it was one of the most passionate moments I ever

 

experienced! And we both new exactly what we were doing by that time! I just felt like that was

 

all I was looking for! And he told me the sweetest things. That if he could take me along

 

everything would be different... And that he had fancied me from the beginning on... But I didn´t

 

dare ask anything from him! I knew he was engaged, and I was already loaded with guilt

 

because of his girlfriend! I knew that for him, it was not much more than - a holiday flirt - or an

 

affair! And I never wanted to hurt anybody with my actions (I know how that must sound - but

 

he was a too good friend - as that I just could have let it happen! And he loved his girlfriend,

 

and I always thought about she must have felt if she found out!)

 

We didn´t see each other for a week or so! And then we met to talk and sort things out! He

 

told me that he loved his girlfriend, and that he feels horribly guilty! And that it shouldn´t have

 

happend - but also because he thought he ruined our friendship!

 

We decided to stay friends and keep in contact! (which was his idea - I didn´t ask him to say

 

so!)

 

And he left, and after that, I couldn´t keep my feelings down any more. I found out that I was

 

pretty much in love with him - and it hurt like hell! I missed him so much, and I felt so guilty!

 

But we kept in contact, over email! Not every day, but once ever other week!

 

And then he suddenly stopped answering my mails! Without any sign, or reason, or anything!

 

He didn´t answer my mails, nor when I sent him a postcard, not even (after two months of not

 

trying to contact him) he responded to a birthday-card!

 

I haven´t heard from him in almost half a year! And I just can not explain it! I was over the

 

whole thing, and I thought we were friends again! I am just so sick of having to think about why

 

he isn´t writing anymore! Why couldn´t we stay friends and keep in contact? Does it kill him to

 

just drop me a line every now and then to tell me that he is alright? What did I do to him? I

 

think I was quite fair, I never asked, and I never showed him how hurt I was! I always tried to be

 

his friend! And the worst thing is - that by not answering me - he makes it impossible for me to

 

go on! I sometimes catch myself worrying that something happend to him! And I always ask

 

myself why it happened in the first place?

 

If he would have been my friend he wouldn´t have done this to me! And if he would love his

 

girlfriend he wouldn´t have hurt her! He just palyed with me - but why? I didn´t do anything to

 

him! We were friends!!! I never thought he was that kind of person! It is just so much unlike

 

him! And I just can not put an end to this and go on with my life!

 

I don´t know what to do anymore! I can´t stand it anymore!

 

Perhaps anybody has some advice - cuz this is killing me!

[Saffgee]

Thanks for posting a response to my message, so I feel obliged to post one to yours.

 

You know that I can sympathise with your problem, so I will try and focus on my answer.

 

I honestly believe there really is someone for everyone in this world, and although in my case I am still at the beginning of this horrible scenario, I can see the end result of it in your post. We're both wrong with our choices here.I think we both have to admit that we were projecting something that we desired, and thought to have found in the respective people. Problem is that mine and your 'love' were only looking for reasurance, they still loved and do love their girlfriend/husband. I think I have to come to terms with the fact that through me she will have a stronger love for her husband than ever before. In your case, he has found strength from you to love his girlfriend more than ever before. In retrospect, it doesn't matter to either that we will be hurt and broken, they are too caught up in their pursuit of their perfect lives and their own hearts. Yes, maybe I do sound bitter, but it is the truth.

 

I think we both ended up trying to love two very selfish people. I still have hope that she will see what she is doing, but much as I regret it, I have to say there is no more hope in your case.

 

I can't give you any other advice than to tell you that you should move on. Forget him, he doesn't deserve your love and hurt. He just isn't worth it. You are a wonderful person, and anyone who takes your love for granted as he did does not deserve you. Save all your feelings for someone who really cares for you, someone who wants to make YOU happy. Don't go through life trying to make everyone else happy. You told me if I love her I should let her go, that also applies to you, don't punish yourself.

 

I will let her go, but only because she didn't earn my love. If she is not prepared to do anything, and I mean ANYTHING (and I know I would. I wanted to quit my job and leave the country to save us the pain once I knew, but she talked to the boss and he begged me to stay - if only she hadn't), then she doesn't deserve what I have to offer, and although I still love her, she is free to go. Let him go, he hasn't earned the right to rule your life like this, live your life again. You felt great while he was around, don't ruin it all by hoping he'll come back. You are friends for life, I'm sure he feels your pain. He just isn't honest or big enough to heed your call. He's scared. Let him go. Move on - memories are painful, but they teach you an important lesson - the same cycles of life repeat themselves again and again, don't dwell in the past, move ahead into the future - create millions of NEW memories. Who knows, maybe you will find his soul again, somehow, somewhere, someday.

 

Haven't you ever noticed how friends and groups of friends often display the same basic traits. I've had the same friend my whole life, in three different forms so far, and I'm sure thats not the end of it.

 

Lets make a promise to each other - we always think of ourselves first. Regardless of how we feel. I think we've both earned the right to indulge in a little selfish behaviour by now.

 

Hope that helps, and cheer up - I think you may just have taught me something about life - some people are scared to accept love.

HI! About a year ago I met a really nice guy. I got to know him and his friends in some bar we frequented regulary, and at first I had no interest in him whatsoever. We (my two best friends and I) just got along really well with him and his "gang" - they were all foreigners and on a one - year work experience in my country. We all spent all weekends together - partying and going out! We had a lot of fun together, and I started to get real good friends with him. I enjoyed our frienship as we could talk about

 

anything - and always found new (and often quite silly) ideas to spend the evening...! He was engaged, and his girlfriend of several year was still back home - so although I started

 

feeling a bit more for him - I always denied my feelings. We were mates, and I respected his relationship! I knew he loved his girlfriend, so there was no question that there could be more. But once he got very drunk, and started to make a move at me. He told me that he liked me,

 

but I didn´t take it serious, as he just missed his girlfriend at this time! So we had a long talk, why there can´t be anything, and although I liked him a lot by this time, I was the one to tell him all different reasons for not starting anything. Unfortunatly I had to find out the next day that he was too drunk to have rembered anything

 

from our talk our what he said that evening! I was just hurt - it had cost me a lot of strengh to be the one to tell him not to - it hurt a lot - and he didn´t even remember!!! But I got over it, and there was no more under-the-surface-attraction, just a good friendship!

 

All our friends had no clue what had been going on! Till two weeks before he left. It was already some kind of farewell - party, and we both got

 

pretty drunk. I do not remeber anymore how it came to this, but at 4 or 5 in the morning I found myself in his arms - and we must have looked as if we would rip each others cloths off any

 

minute! Although I didn´t sleep with him it was one of the most passionate moments I ever

 

experienced! And we both new exactly what we were doing by that time! I just felt like that was all I was looking for! And he told me the sweetest things. That if he could take me along

 

everything would be different... And that he had fancied me from the beginning on... But I didn´t dare ask anything from him! I knew he was engaged, and I was already loaded with guilt because of his girlfriend! I knew that for him, it was not much more than - a holiday flirt - or an affair! And I never wanted to hurt anybody with my actions (I know how that must sound - but he was a too good friend - as that I just could have let it happen! And he loved his girlfriend,

 

and I always thought about she must have felt if she found out!) We didn´t see each other for a week or so! And then we met to talk and sort things out! He

 

told me that he loved his girlfriend, and that he feels horribly guilty! And that it shouldn´t have happend - but also because he thought he ruined our friendship! We decided to stay friends and keep in contact! (which was his idea - I didn´t ask him to say

 

so!) And he left, and after that, I couldn´t keep my feelings down any more. I found out that I was pretty much in love with him - and it hurt like hell! I missed him so much, and I felt so guilty! But we kept in contact, over email! Not every day, but once ever other week! And then he suddenly stopped answering my mails! Without any sign, or reason, or anything!

 

He didn´t answer my mails, nor when I sent him a postcard, not even (after two months of not trying to contact him) he responded to a birthday-card! I haven´t heard from him in almost half a year! And I just can not explain it! I was over the whole thing, and I thought we were friends again! I am just so sick of having to think about why he isn´t writing anymore! Why couldn´t we stay friends and keep in contact? Does it kill him to just drop me a line every now and then to tell me that he is alright? What did I do to him? I think I was quite fair, I never asked, and I never showed him how hurt I was! I always tried to be his friend! And the worst thing is - that by not answering me - he makes it impossible for me to go on! I sometimes catch myself worrying that something happend to him! And I always ask

 

myself why it happened in the first place?

 

If he would have been my friend he wouldn´t have done this to me! And if he would love his

 

girlfriend he wouldn´t have hurt her! He just palyed with me - but why? I didn´t do anything to him! We were friends!!! I never thought he was that kind of person! It is just so much unlike

 

him! And I just can not put an end to this and go on with my life! I don´t know what to do anymore! I can´t stand it anymore! Perhaps anybody has some advice - cuz this is killing me!