Don't know what to do...

[Peaches]

I'm starting to have second thoughts about marrying my fiance. We just recently got engaged in December, and I thought it was what I wanted. However, I'm starting to have second thoughts.

 

Here's some background information. I'm 21, he's 23. We've been together for almost 3 years now. He treats me well, but not as well as I would like. He's not abusive or anything like that, it's just like he treats me more like a friend than a lover. I seriously feel like I'm hanging out with my brother when he's over. He'll tease me and pick on me just like a child would.

 

Also, he comes from a hard childhood, one in which his mother just up and left when he was in elementary school. To this day, he refuses to talk to her, even though she's tried to contact him. I support him in whatever way he wants to deal with his anger with her, because she truly has treated him and his siblings like complete crap. His father raised him wonderfully, but I've been realizing that his mother leaving seems to have affected how he views women. It's like he wants me to treat him like a mother would. He wants to be babied, he wants all of his needs to be met, but he doesn't really care whether or not mine are.

 

One of the biggest things missing in our relationship right now is the affection. Like I said, he treats me like a friend, not a lover. We rarely hold hands, hug, or even kiss unless I intiate it. We have sex about every other week, but even then it's like we have to schedule it into our plans, because usually he's too tired from work to even think about it. We are usually together every night, hanging out and watching t.v. or what not, so it's not like we never see each other. Maybe we see each other too much, I don't know.

 

But there have been numerous upon numerous times in which I've tried to initiate something with him, whether it be holding hands, cuddling, or kissing, and he's just shut me down. He reason is that he doesn't like to get aroused and then not be able to do anything about it (I still live at home, so we can't do anything there, and that's usually where we hang out). Even so, I don't initiate those things in hopes of having sex. I initiate them because I want to feel closer to him, to be romantic, and it's just like he's not interested in any of that at all unless we're going to have sex. And that sucks.

 

I've talked with him about my desire for him to display more affection towards me numerous times, but he gets VERY defensive and refuses to do anything about it. I know that I can't change him, I just wish he'd be willing to change himself. And right now I can see that he isn't.

 

And I guess that's where my doubt comes in. If he isn't willing to change, will I be able to live with him like this for the rest of my life. My gut instincts tell me no. But I love him dearly, so my heart is pulling me in the other direction. I'm just so confused right now.

[quankanne]

 

You've been together three years now? Is his behavior something that you've knoticed progressively, or just now? From what I've read in your post, it sounds like you guys get along well, but while you have romantic feelings for him, he doesn't reciprocate those feelings. And as much as I hate to suggest it, I think he sees you as a safe "mommy" kind of figure, esp. in light of knowing that he lost his own mom at such a young age. He feels safe and comfortable and secure with you, and that in itself isn't a bad thing, but if you guys are engaged to be married, there needs to be that element of romantic or sexual love that's identified with marriage. Maybe it's time to cool things off for a while, because it sounds like you innately know that something isn't right, and because you care for him the way you do, you need to explore these feelings before you get into a more serious situation with him. The outcome might not be what you want, but you owe it to yourself to try to answer the questions you've got about your relationship now, and not put off until it's too late.

 

good luck in your relationship, and keep us posted,

quankanne

[Tony T]

You make a lot of sense in everything you say. You have an incredible handle on what's going on and you really need to trust your instincts here.

 

It takes a LOT more than love for someone to make a relationship work. The love you have for him will dwindle to nothingness if your relationship lacks romance and closeness.

 

What your guy's mother did to him was terrible and he will pay for it for many years until he either resolves the repressed anger on his own or gets professional help. However, I don't think this abandonment issue is entirely the cause of his not showing you affection.

 

People who come from homes where there was not a lot of displays of affection are not likely to start showing it later on out of the clear blue, unless forced into it by a desperate need to get laid or something. Kissing, hugging, holding hands, etc. may even repulse him somewhat because his lack of growing up with that sort of thing has the backdrop of the abandonment by his mother.

 

Cancel your engagement. I really don't see a lot of reason in continuing anything except a nice friendship with your "brother." You cannot have a fulfilling lifelong romance with someone who will only have sex with you every few weeks at your urging and who will not treat you like a woman, a wife, a lover, etc.

 

Don't even think about going into something with him with the thought he will change. It won't happen.

 

I am very impressed with your incredible grasp of the dynamics of the situation you're in. You already know this is not going to work. You are very young. You've got time to find good romance for yourself.

 

Yes, I know you love this guy. But if you cancel the engagement and break up with him and continue to be his friend, the only difference will be that you won't be having sex with him every two weeks. The rest of the relationship will basically remain the same.

 

I really wonder if you will want to be his friend after the dust settles. You seem to have your head screwed on way too good to want to associate with others who are working through mounds of life's crap. When the love chemicals stop swirling around in your brain, which they are beginning to now, you may see this dude a whole lot differently.

 

You answered your own post. I think you just wanted us to tell you that you were right on the mark....and I will do that.

 

You are right on the mark. This is NOT the guy for you!

[Ed]

Your fiance has a bit more to learn about women before he will be a good catch for you.

 

The information he needs to know...how to love and be romantic, with or without sex...is not easily taught and it is not easily learned. Unfortunately, most guys have to learn all of this the hard way, through breakups with women they claim to be in love with.

 

I have no doubt that he loves you. I'm sure he loves you with all that he is capable of. He just doesn't know how to love you the way you (and most other women) want and need to be loved and treated. Having all the sympathy and understanding in the world for him about what is going on and/or why, will not solve your problem. He needs a wakeup call and right now you are the only one with the phone number.

 

The best thing you can do for him and yourself at this point is BE HONEST, maybe even brutally honest. Of course, he won't see it that way and he won't like it. You have already seen his reaction to the subject. The best you can hope for is that he has enough maturity to take your honesty and turn it into something positive instead of seeing it as some kind of deficiency within himself.

 

If you really want to make your point and drive it home, if you dare , have him come to this website and read some of the posts here. There are posts all over this board from guys whose girlfriends are not happy just like you. If you are really bold and want some immediate action, have him read your post. If that doesn't shake him up and put him to work then nothing will. Encourage him to post a message asking for some advice on how to deal with all of this.

 

All of my suggestions may or may not help, but the way I see it, he is walking on thin ice and if something doesn't happen soon, it's going to all fall apart.

 

Best of luck to you.

[Peaches]

Quankanne, Tony, and Ed - thank you for taking time out of your day to give me some feedback. I really appreciate it.

 

Quankanne - you asked if his behavior is something that I've noticed progressively or just recently. I'd have to say that it has gotten progressively worse over time, and I've always known that. Only it seems as though just now I'm beginning to realize that I can't keep on living like this. I'm only 21, and already I feel like we've been married for 2 years. That's how comfortable he's become.

 

It just suddenly hit me the other day about how truly frustrated I am with the whole situation. I know he loves me and I know he's not perfect, but even so, I think I'm beginning to realize that I deserve to be with someone that's willing to appreciate me just as much as I appreciate them. And I don't feel like I get that from him in the least bit.

 

Another thing, this relationship is the longest I've ever been in. We began dating as soon as I was out of high school, and previous to him, I had only ever dated a few guys, the longest for a few weeks. So as you can imagine, he is my first love. Which, I believe, is why this is so hard for me to fathom. Even so, I know in my head what I need to do in order to improve my life. Now it's just a matter of getting my heart to follow what my head is telling me.

 

In any event, I suppose I should give myself some time to come to terms with this idea before I make any head first dives. I've always been the type of person that likes to have everything all planned out ahead of time. No use ditching that technique now.

 

And Tony, you commented on whether or not I would remain friends with him after something like this. I already know that I won't be able to. At least not for a very long time. I'm not willing to even remotely tempt myself into putting myself back into the same hopeless situation again. I doubt he would want to be friends anyways.