, nothing adds up

[ant-tony]

My g/f and I have been together for 3-1/2 years. we met when i was 16 and she was 15, I am 19 now and shes 18, h.s. sweethearts I guess you can say. Like always everything is great at the start and then you start hitting those bumps. About 4-1/2 months ago she left and she told me that there wasn't a chance that we would ever be back together, reason being: I made her fall out of love because of my lazy-ness, we would fight a bicker a-lot, pretty much It was mostly my fault for things going downhill. I thought it was over and it was the end, but her actions told me different part of her still wanted me, she would hold my hand and still kiss me.

 

I guess her feelings kinda of resurfaced. So we got back together 4 months ago, she told me that she wanted to give things another shot and that she wanted to work things out. About a month after we got back together, she told me that her feelings were growing for me and that she couldn't live without me and she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me. I was happy to hear the news but I don't know what it is, something inside of me tells me something isn't right. Things have got a-lot better we don't argue like we use to and she says she is happy with me, but something is off the chart. so about 2 months go by after we got back together, and she brings up some bad news. She tells me that when we are together everything is good, but when we are not together she asks herself, "why am I doing this?," her step-father hates me, and her mother is whatever about me.

 

She is miserable at home, she hates it there. She has a-lot of problems with her parents they always nag at her and make her life a living hell, no joke. They have total control over her and will not let her enjoy her life. She told me that she doubts us because of her parents, she didn't come out clean and say it but she kinda hinted that she doesn't want to be with someone that her parents dislike, her family loved me when they first met me, but I don't know what they think about me now, her parents are the type to put junk into peoples heads to make them dislike me. She also said she didn't want to get hurt. She brought up her being in love with me, she would get so excited to see me, she would get butterflies all the time. Pretty much slapping me in the face and telling me it isnt the same without being blunt about it. So I purposed the idea for us to call it off and be friends, and she told me that she wanted to be with and she couldn't live without me.

 

So I started asking her some questions and she would get upset and tell me she didn't want to talk about it, I told her to put herself in my shoes and let me tell her that I feel that way. This makes me sooo angry, I try to figure out why she feels the way she does and she always gives me a I dont know. I dont know if shes hiding something from me or what but I know something is up. I told her that I was happy that she told me the way she felt. So I let this red flag slide and put it behind the door. So time goes on and about a month later she tells me that she wants to marry me and have kids with me. I'm thinking like WTF is going on in your head! She tells me that she wants to have kids with me and marry me, get a place with me, BLAH BLAH BLAH. I'm kinda happy she feels that way but in the back of my head im thinking does she really know what she wants.

 

She tells me that she can't wait to marry me, and its not the obsession with a Wedding, she just wants to be committed to me. She tells me that she is ready to experience "life," and that shes ready to settle down and have kids. I love this girl to death, but I go back to what she told me when we broke up and its like two different feelings. She tells me that she is starting to fall for me, and then she tells me I think im falling for you. I wonder is it even possible for a couple to fall out of love, get back together, things work out, and those old feelings resurface again? I know that my feelings are growing for her and I care about her with all my heart, she tells me the same. I dont think she would lie to me because she has been pretty honest throughout our relationship, but theres always that chance she is bluffing and leading me on. What do you guys think, nothing adds up for me, its feels double-sided.

 

I try to look at the big picture but I can't See the big picture. Lately we haven't seen each other at all, during the week we go to school so we only see each other on our lunch breaks for 35 minutes. during the weekend is the only time we really get to spend some quality time with each other. Maybe im just over looking things, lately I have been judging her every move like its something bad. She told me that she has been going through a-lot at home and with school, and that she doesn't want me to think that she doesn't love me.

[Lennox]

First of all, you're too young and she's too young to get married. You have those doubts for a very good reason. In this way, you're very mature for your age.

 

You may end up marrying this girl somewhere down the road, but you want to start that marriage off on the right foot destined to last hopefully for a lifetime. She needs to get a good job, get out of that house, and live on her own. It sounds like she's looking to you to rescue her. She needs to fly out of the nest, not be transferred to a different nest. If you transfer her to your nest, she's going to wind up flying out of that when she's ready to fly.

 

If she truly is in love with you, she will do everything she needs to do to make sure that when she ties the knot with you, that it's something she's prepared for on a lot of different levels. This doesn't mean you guys can't see each other exclusively or have a fulfilling relationship. Although you probably should be dating different girls at your age, but heck, if you don't feel like it, then don't.

 

Im sure the other fine people on here will respond to you as well. Good luck!

[ant-tony]

thanks for the input and letting me vent, a-lot of people have said that I should be enjoying my life, experiencing different people. When we first got together about a year into our relationship I kinda felt that way; now I feel very differently, I do want to spend the rest of my life with this girl, I know she is not the only ONE there are many ONE's out there. I know there are so many other girls out there and I should be having fun, but I think im fine with this girl, I dont feel like dating other girls, I still go out and do my own thing and I dont feel tied down. The only thing that really bothers me is that we don't spend as much time together as we use to, and she doesn't know what she wants to do with her life, yes she wants to finish up school but she doesn't have a major, she is undecided.

 

I know a-lot of older "mature," people say that all the time "go out and have fun, meet new people," I don't feel that way, I doubt she feels that way either. She says she is ready to settle down and experience life, I feel that same way. I guess for my age this sounds kind of stupid, im really young, but I do want to have a future with this girl. I have always pictured us having a wonderful life together, and im not in lah lah land, I know things change and people change. I do want to marry this girl, but I dont think WE are ready for a marriage, especially with everythings shes going through, I do feel like we need to work on a-lot and then it would be a possiblity.

 

Every time I tell her that I think we should wait tell we get our own place, we should be financially stable, work any problems we have out before we make this commitment. She is kinda impatient and wants everything "now." I mentioned to her that I do want to marry her and for now it doesn't make a difference whether we are married or not, its just a piece of paper saying your a couple. She takes offense to this and thinks im trying to avoid marriage, I explained to her its not like that. thanks for the advice, anyone elses opinion.

[Lennox]

I dunno if you should tell her that marriage is just a piece of paper, because it isn't. It's a serious commitment with legal implications. It's a business decision. And it's one that should not be entered into until as many creases can be ironed out before you do.

 

If you were dating her for 15 years, and you were 31 already, and you still weren't going to marry her, then I'd say she has reason to feel uneasy about your lack of willingness to tie the knot. Then I'd tell you to make a decision, you're old enough and you have known her long enough to either do it or break it off. In your case, you would be putting the cart way before the horse if you married her within the next several years. Her pressuring you to marry her is certainly not the way to go.

 

Now I'll tell you something that I would tell my own son if he was in your situation. Watch out that this girl doesn't "accidently" get pregnant. Lots of girls think they can entrap a man that won't marry them into marrying them if they get pregnant. You better take the initiative and make sure you have several methods of birth control going at the same time if you're sexually active with her or plan to be. Go with her to Planned Parenthood to discuss this with them and tell them you want to make sure she doesn't get pregnant. They will give her and you free birth control devices if you can't afford them on your own. I'd suggest something along the lines of Norplant, which lasts for a long time and you can go with her to make sure it's implanted in her. There's also Depo shots, but I'm sure there are other methods that I am not familiar with because I haven't used that stuff in years. I'd also suggest a barrier method that you control such as condoms on top of whatever else they give her.

 

I'm not implying she's devious or anything, it just sounds like she's getting desperate enough to get careless about that sort of thing, and you need to protect your wallet from 18 years of unnecessary child support that could have been prevented.