My Story - a fool in love

[ponderingwanderer]

I'm signing the Div. papers tomorrow.

[CastingPearls]

((((((Hug)))))) November has been a sad month for you. Here's to hoping any changes will improve your life in the long run, though it may not feel that way now.

[dgiirl]

sorry pw The communication breakthroughs were good, but I feared she might have been doing what my ex did to me... assuage her own guilt. Keep posting and keep reading... you never know what tomorrow will bring.

[ponderingwanderer]

Well, I signed the papers this morning at 9am. Lawyers are so expensive. She and her bf will be served papers next week.

 

She's found a lawyer now as well. She took me off her credit card finally and took some responsibility for that. A good thing. We still have to separate our joint checking account. She's reluctant to do that. I just want her off my finances.

 

I'm just kinda numb right now about the whole thing.

 

I had a good lunch today with my dance partner. She is being a great friend. I think perhaps she wants more but I'm not ready for more right now. She has helped me keep my spirits up.

 

Perhaps the good communications was a way for my stbx to assuage her guilt, I don't know. She seems to believe that someday we could get back together. I've been saying all along that D is final, no going back. She doesn't comprehend this idea. Nothing I can do about it.

 

I will continue to focus on me.

 

Today is S2's 5th B-Day. I'm wrapping presents for when I'll see him tomorrow. I'm thinking of taking the 2 boys to a hockey game on Sat. I have no idea how this will affect them.

 

-pw

[Gunny376]

We still have to separate our joint checking account.

 

This would be a hugh red flag for me personally! You might want to alert you creditors to watch for any unusal activity deviant from your normal patterns, and / or sign up for one of the more reputiale credit monitoring systems. that will let you pull up your credit report.

[ponderingwanderer]

I talked to her yesterday about spending money on legal advice. I told her I would not be paying for her lawyer. I reminded her that in our state each spouse is required to pay for their own legal counsel. I said use your credit card. (She finally took me off of it.)

 

Things like insurance, services and finally taxes are gonna be a real pain. The weird thing about this is we still love one another and we can still talk. I guess things are just too screwed up right now.

 

Even though I've told her in the past that D for me is final. I softened up a bit today and tried to get onto her point of view. I said that I would leave the door open to getting back together some time in the future but I also told her that I may not be available in the future.

 

I've just got to take things one day at a time.

 

-pw

[Gunny376]

For me its been a case of adapting and over-coming my mental weakness, and lack of control over and of my emotions when it comes to women. That is to say, once I got used and abused, lied to and cheated on, mis-lead down the merry little road, blind-sided and thrown under the freaking bus as it went by ~ I got me a case of TPWS - Tired Of Putting Up With Women's S*it!

 

I don't fall for thier BS anymore ~ and these days I'll put a woman to the curb quick, fast, and in a hurry like, regardless of who she is or how fine she may be. I never was much of one for playing games, in fact I got kicked out of Kindergarten when they told me to go to recess! I asked them what that was, and they told me that's when you go out and "play". I told them, Gunny don't play!

 

Even though I've told her in the past that D for me is final. I softened up a bit today and tried to get onto her point of view. I said that I would leave the door open to getting back together some time in the future but I also told her that I may not be available in the future

 

Not this cowboy ~ espeically if there's not any children in the mix of things. Once a woman has "burned rubber on me" ~ I'm done! My attitude having gone through what you're going through is you've a big girl, and you've got one opportunity to get this right ~ the first time. Life is just to freaking short.

 

There's no freaking shortage of women ~ and it is not a case of their having the supply and we have the demand. Anything any one woman has to offer me, I can find just as much of if not more ~ just as good as if not better! What one woman would abuse ~ another can certainly use.

 

Ultimately, its like Steve told Hellen, "There's just no way of telling!" But, usually when all is said and done ~ there was more said than done. Actions not words are what count ~ talk is cheap.

 

After the papers are signed, the crying is done, the pity party has been held ~ the end result is you've got to get up early the next morning and go find yourself a new love. In one word ~ NEXT!

[ponderingwanderer]

Gunny I appreciate your support. I'm trying very hard to be 'done' with her. Lately I've been getting some great support from my friends. They have helped a lot. I admire your attitude but I also understand a lot of time has passed for you and I'm still at the very beginning of my journey.

 

I no longer trust the woman I loved for so long. I find it hard to believe. I was out drinking with friends last night which kept my mind from obsessing over what's gone on.

 

Fact is stbx just called me. She said it was just to hear my voice. I didn't talk much. I didn't really want her to hear my voice. I think it may take her a long time to realize the damage she has done. I think, for me, some of the damage is irreversible.

 

-pw

 

For me its been a case of adapting and over-coming my mental weakness, and lack of control over and of my emotions when it comes to women. That is to say, once I got used and abused, lied to and cheated on, mis-lead down the merry little road, blind-sided and thrown under the freaking bus as it went by ~ I got me a case of TPWS - Tired Of Putting Up With Women's S*it!

 

I don't fall for thier BS anymore ~ and these days I'll put a woman to the curb quick, fast, and in a hurry like, regardless of who she is or how fine she may be. I never was much of one for playing games, in fact I got kicked out of Kindergarten when they told me to go to recess! I asked them what that was, and they told me that's when you go out and "play". I told them, Gunny don't play!

 

 

 

Not this cowboy ~ espeically if there's not any children in the mix of things. Once a woman has "burned rubber on me" ~ I'm done! My attitude having gone through what you're going through is you've a big girl, and you've got one opportunity to get this right ~ the first time. Life is just to freaking short.

 

There's no freaking shortage of women ~ and it is not a case of their having the supply and we have the demand. Anything any one woman has to offer me, I can find just as much of if not more ~ just as good as if not better! What one woman would abuse ~ another can certainly use.

 

Ultimately, its like Steve told Hellen, "There's just no way of telling!" But, usually when all is said and done ~ there was more said than done. Actions not words are what count ~ talk is cheap.

 

After the papers are signed, the crying is done, the pity party has been held ~ the end result is you've got to get up early the next morning and go find yourself a new love. In one word ~ NEXT!

[Sup]

Are you making sure that you get the house, are you going for Sole-custody of the children? She left you didn't, she should have to pay, not you for this affair!

[Ladyjane14]

Fact is stbx just called me. She said it was just to hear my voice. I didn't talk much. I didn't really want her to hear my voice. I think it may take her a long time to realize the damage she has done. I think, for me, some of the damage is irreversible.

 

You said you'd read through alot of books and forums. I'm assuming marriagebuilders was one of them. If not, you might type into your browser "what are plan a and plan b, marriagebuilders'... and read the article you find there.

 

Your STBX is still coming to you for EN (emotional needs) fulfillment. Sometimes the EN can be as simple as a WW (wayward wife) reassuring herself that her spouse is still percolating nicely on the backburner, a safety net in case she changes her mind.

 

Sounds to me like it might be Plan B time.

You've said that you don't believe she understands the finality of the divorce decision. A good Plan B can be like a window into the world of divorce, a chance for a WS to see what the world will REALLY be like when she can't come to you with her ENs anymore.

 

The added bonus is that it removes you from some of the chaos and pain because it relies on minimizing contact. You don't have to know every thought that flitters through her head, and you DON'T have to know how things are going with her affair partner.

 

In the darkest of Plan B's, there would be no contact at all, but that's kind of hard to do when you have little people involved. I think it IS possible to do minimal contact and keep it all business though... strictly parenting. You don't even have to do 'divorce talk'. You've got a lawyer to do it for you.

[ponderingwanderer]

Thank you LJ14. It's definitely time for Plan B. I honestly believe that there is no turning back now.

 

Even though I know someday she'll regret her actions. I'm done. The damage can not be undone. I know I'll heal but I'll never trust her again. I won't be giving her a second chance. There have been far too many and she'd rather hurt me than her bf.

 

-pw

[Guest]

Hello All,

 

I've been reading the site for a little while and finally I thought I'd share my story.

 

This has been a rough ride. Married eleven years, 2 boys - 8 and 4. Back on Aug. 21 w calls me at work and tells me she wants a separation. Ok, this hit me like a ton of bricks. Totally out of the blue. For the first week I thought I was losing my mind. I wanted to know why, I told her I loved her, I told her I'd change. I did all the things you're not supposed to do. Another week goes by and a friend suggests key logging software for my computer. Good idea. W and I were sharing my computer at home. I had my suspicions but now I was getting confirmation. My parents had the kids in Disney from Sept. 2 to 8, for 3 of those days w didn't come home until 11:30. She had moved out of our bedroom back on Aug. 21. I wanted us to go to counseling. After some cajoling she finally agreed. Sept. 6 we go to a counselor and counselor doesn't see any hope for us. I'm like WTF!!! W says she is only there to help me deal with her, not to work on relationship. I was pissed. That night I told her I wanted her to leave. She did. I spoke to her on the 7th and told her I had seen the computer logs. She had written to her bf that she loved him. Of course at the counseling session she denied the whole bf thing.

 

At one point I told her she could leave but she couldn't take the kids or I'd have her arrested. Finally, on Sept. 13 I changed my mind on that and said if she really wanted to go and take the kids with her I wouldn't stop her. She left.

 

She has been living an hour away from me since then.

 

A little more background here: For the past 6 years she has not held a job. She has been a homeschooling mom with no income. So, when she left, she had no money of her own so the only place she felt she could go was to her sisters which is an hour south of me.

 

When she first said she wanted a separation, she said she still wanted to live in the same house, just live separate lives. I could not understand this. I told her she was going to have to get a job. She is still working on that.

 

I have read Michele Weiner-Davis' books 'Divorce Remedy' and 'Divorce Busting', I'm reading 'The Monogamy Myth'. I've read other e-books and forums. I'm pretty much up-to-date on the information regarding the whys and hows of all this but I doesn't help the pain.

 

She has refused on several occasions to talk about the OM. She has told me she wants to 'move on'. Or that she is 'moving on'.

 

She has given me a shopping list as to why she feels the way she does. All my fault as you can imagine. Insensitive, want to much sex, emotionally unavailable, poor financial decisions, etc... All BS.

 

I'll jump forward a couple of months. She tells me she doesn't want a divorce but she's not ready to come back. She won't give me a time table. I have tried my best to move forward with my life. A complete new wardrobe. The stress of all this has caused me to lose 20 pounds and I'm looking as good as ever. I'm swimming 30 laps at the local Y 2 to 3 times a week and I've taking up ballroom dancing.

 

She has obviously seen the changes I'm making. I've even told her about my dance partner who seems to have a bit of a crush on me. She's a great person and I enjoy dancing with her but I'm not willing to get into a relationship. So, I've told my w all these things. I've been communicating openly and truthfully with her. I've been supportive of her. I gave her $1k so she could update her wardrobe, which was look a little shabby, so she could find a job. I'm buying her a new laptop so she can do the kind of work she does anywhere (another $4300). Just bought her a new winter coat which she needed and finally she was crying about where she was going to live if she took the only job that has been offered to her which is even further away from me. I gave her $2500 for 1st and last months rent on a new apartment.

 

In some ways I feel she is coming around but tonight I know she is off with the OM.

 

So maybe I am just a fool in love.

 

Any thoughts? All comments are welcome.

 

-pw

 

 

Why you would agree for her to have the kids is beyond me. They would have been my first priority. That was a mistake.

 

Ultimately you want her back from what I am reading. Being strong, not a doormat, will be your only and best bet for doing so. And if it does not work, at least you remain in the drivers seat for custody of your kids and the least amount of alimony for her. Let her work for a living and realize she had it made.

[ponderingwanderer]

Actually, I don't think I do want her back and said such today after dropping off the kids. She later sent me an email that she actually comprehended what I was saying. I don't want to talk to her, I don't want to see her, I don't want to live near her and that I basically don't want her in my life.

 

She is too wrapped up in her boyfriend for me to deal with so, the divorce proceeds and I move on. I was a tough day.

 

I basically lost a friend I've had for 14 years today.

 

-pw

[mental_traveller]

I'm signing the Div. papers tomorrow.

 

Now THAT is how you handle an affair. Congratulations for being one of the few betrayed spouses on here who has actually had the balls to say "enough is enough" and divorce once the reality becomes apparent. If more people acted like you then cheats would not be able to pull the crap they do on a regular basis. You have my respect.

[mental_traveller]

sorry pw

 

Why feel sorry? The guy is taking the best step he can in the circumstances. Instead of whimpering and moaning like most people in his situation, he is taking concrete, positive steps to better his life and move on from this mess not of his own making. We should be congratulating him and cheering him on, not pitying him. We should be happy that he is going to be better off without his cheating adulteress wife. What would have been SAD is if he had stuck it out and tried to get her back, or put up with her BS. So smile for pw today, this is his first step on the way back to a happy life.

[ponderingwanderer]

I think it doesn't matter if I hang on or let go at this point. As long as I work on bettering myself. I have learned far too much at this point about my failed relationship, about my cheating stbx, and about myself to let this opportunity for change go unnoticed.

 

My next relationship will be so much better than my last, and it will last.

 

-pw