How do I NOT guide a relationship??

[TriGirl]

Here is the situation:

I met a guy about 6 months ago. We have seen each other when we're in town. I have been living out of town and he travels extensively for work. Things are wonderful when we're together.

 

I feel like I have fallen in love. He on the other hand says that it takes time for him to fall in love.

 

This is the first time in my life that I have been patient about seeing a guy while long distance, but now I am coming home.

 

I am afraid that I will want to guide the relationship more than I already have, which I know guys hate...how can I back off?? I am the one to write letters and send emails etc...he does when he has time...He has never played games with me and he is VERY sensitive to my feelings when we're together and he does do sweet things on ocassion.

[velvet]

You need to manipulate and control your emotions where you see need to be. Try to stay at his pace to be on the safe side, and save yourself any grief.

 

You can control where this relationship goes by self control and playing it smart. It seems as though you have a pretty good relationship being that its been long distance.

 

Now your that your heading home, or are home you two can get to know each other better and you get to know his needs. Does he want to be exclusive? If however you feel you cannot contain yourself with him you need to lay the cards on the table and see if he twitches! But you cant control a persons feelings!

[TriGirl]

We didn't have ¨The Talk¨ about being exclusive...but when I went home for a week, where I stayed with him every day...we got along beautifully and I mentioned that I had no desire to be with anyone else....he said he felt the same way too...

yeah, I know, it wasn't a chime in or anything in order to respond to what I said...he doesn't waste words or use them when he doesn't mean it.

Thanks for your advice.

[Tony T]

YOU ASK: "I am afraid that I will want to guide the relationship more than I already have, which I know guys hate...how can I back off??"

 

If you have no control over yourself, how can anyone here possibly tell you how to control yourself.

 

Go out and buy a copy of "The Prophet" by Kahlil Gibran. It was written many years ago, is probably now in its 250th printing and it's cheap. You can order one at http://www.amazon.com It's a classic. Read the small chapter on love.

 

From the chapter on Love, a small quote:

 

"Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.

Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;

For love is sufficient unto love.

 

"And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, it it finds you worthy, directs your course."

 

The man was right. There is nothing you can do but go with the flow. If you can't do that, you know little about love and you will never be successful at it. Love is the boss, you aren't. Remember that!!!

[clia]

Let me give you some advice. You need to let him take the lead. Do not call him, e-mail him, or IM him. Let him call you. Men need a challenge. If you are doing all the work, you give them nothing to do, and they get bored.

 

You say you haven't had the talk about being exclusive. You said you had no desire to see anyone else and he said he felt the same way. Saying those things IN NO WAY means that you are exclusive or on the same page. Trust me, it doesn't. I've been there.

 

But do not bring exclusivity up. He will bring it up if he wants it. If he doesn't bring it up, assume that you are safe to date other men, as he is to date other women.

 

Furthermore, to remain a challenge you need to remain somewhat of a mystery. Do not stay the night with him every night. Rein it in, girl. I don't care how much you want him, you have to keep him guessing. If he knows he can have you at a moment's notice, what challenge is that? None. You may not see the reaction immediately, but men do love a challenge. Why do you think all those guys in your past who you never liked kept bugging you? Tell him you can't stay over because you need your "beauty sleep." Tell him whatever. The trick is to make him miss you. Men miss gals when they aren't around, not when they are around all the time. That's when men develop their bond. (At least in my experience.)

 

DO NOT, and I repeat DO NOT assume anything in this relationship. You slept with him without any mention of exclusivity. Now your options are to continue as is and wait it out *until* he brings it up (if ever) and says that you are *offically* boyfriend/girlfriend, or to pull back slightly to establish your boundaries.

 

And I do mean slightly. If you change your actions drastically right now, he's going to wonder what the hell is up.

 

Think about what you want out of this relationship and what is going to make you happy. Is he giving you what you need? Do you want exclusivity? If yes, then don't, no matter what, bring it up. Men bring this up when they are ready for it. If you hound them, you will get nowhere. If he is not ready, then you should be dating other people as well, so as not to put all your eggs in one basket. Let him think other men are out there pining over you. That never hurt anything. But don't talk about it. Just don't be home when he calls. Be out and about and let him ask where you were. Answer casually that you were "just out." Mystery. Challenge. Key factors when dealing with men.

 

Trust me.

[MercyRose]

I think you feel and know everything about this situation in your heart...

 

I will say these words to you:

 

Follow the joy

 

I am sorry if this sounds mystical, But I have been in your shoes and I know that inside we know...we just don't want to listen. You deserve the best-in everything.

 

I agree with Clia's advice minus the 'doing it to be a challenge part.' If he is interested he should be making effort too.

 

Personally I'd never want a man who succumbs to cheap games-I'd much prefer a cat )

 

And in my situation I simply asked him what he wanted from this relationship and I didn't much like the answer, but at least I knew where I stood.