miss snoopy Posted November 12, 2006 Share Posted November 12, 2006 Hi Second chance forum! I've been thinking about my ex a lot today, and about our relationship. I vaccilate between anger at the way he ended it (initiating NC and not acknowleging a card I sent 3 days later - I assume he got it) and affection/love and fond memories about the good times. I have found out that he walked because he thinks I'm "mentally unstable". He thinks I'm a great, fantastic girlfriend to have most of the time, but my "turns" frightened him so he fled. He didn't tell me this, he said it to a friend of his. OK, it's hard for me to go outside myself and take a good look, but I don't think I'm that irrational. But I doubt murderers and rapists sit around thinking, hmm I'm so evil (extreme example but you get my drift) so I have acknowledged that my behaviour must be so scary and offputting it's enough to scare a man off (men, actually, he's not the first) I have no diagnosed psychiatric disorder and I'm OK at work, with friends/family etc, this behaviour only rears its ugly head up in romantic relationships. So do you think this is a deal-breaker for a reconciliation? I don't know if getting back together with him is the right thing for me, but I've been feeling a bit concerned as it's not "the love has gone" "I've met someone else" "she cheated on me" "I caught her lying for the nth time" - it's basically the above i.e. lovely girl but worrying psycho tendencies. We're not in contact at all and I'm hoping with time he'll start to remember all the good times and maybe initiate contact, especially as I'm getting therapy for my issues (I know I have many) Any comments gratefully received! Link to post Share on other sites
JosiePosie Posted November 12, 2006 Share Posted November 12, 2006 It is good to admit that there are issues and you are seeking help through therapy. It won't be a good idea to ask for a reconciliation right away. Focus on therapy and deal with the underlying issues first. Link to post Share on other sites
Author miss snoopy Posted November 12, 2006 Author Share Posted November 12, 2006 Thanks JosiePosie. You're right, a reconciliation now will be premature. I think he needs to do some work himself too but unlike me, he has no insight! Link to post Share on other sites
Author miss snoopy Posted November 13, 2006 Author Share Posted November 13, 2006 I've been good so far with NC (not that I had a choice, he initiated it) but I'm getting a very strong urge to call him, not just now, but sometime this week. I feel we have had enough time to think (almost 3 weeks post break up) and I feel I am ready to forgive, and discuss what we're going to do - if were going to have a cordial friendship or just delete each other fom our lives. I'd hate that to happen but I don't know what he wants. If I know he wants this then I think Ill find moving on easier... I'm sooo confused today... Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted November 13, 2006 Share Posted November 13, 2006 Hey Miss snoopy.. I have a question for you.. Have you been getting asked out by other guys since your breakup ? I think you need to try and put yourself out there.. call it sacrifice dating.. knowing that it most likely won't go anywhere but it gets you in the dating scene again.. kind of the one step at a time approach Link to post Share on other sites
Author miss snoopy Posted November 13, 2006 Author Share Posted November 13, 2006 Hi Art Critic No I haven't - I'm not really in a position where I can easily meet other guys. I really don't want to do the internet dating thing, and I live in a conservative town so I'm not really likely to get chatted up on the street or in a bar. Do yo think I should just give up on this guy? I know I'm thinking about him a lot and still posting about our relationship, but it does stop the misery and the urge to make contact. But I have started doing stuff to meet other people, but I know I'll be preoccupied with this guy so it won't be fair on the other person. Link to post Share on other sites
lighthouse Posted November 13, 2006 Share Posted November 13, 2006 Hi Art Critic Do yo think I should just give up on this guy? I know I'm thinking about him a lot and still posting about our relationship, but it does stop the misery and the urge to make contact. But I have started doing stuff to meet other people, but I know I'll be preoccupied with this guy so it won't be fair on the other person. Snoopy I don't know that you should necessarily give up on him but I think that you should not put all of your eggs in one basket so to speak. I can understand that you might not want to try internet dating but you could always join a site to make friends and then decide whether they should remain internet friends or try and become real life ones. lighthouse Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted November 13, 2006 Share Posted November 13, 2006 Do yo think I should just give up on this guy? I think you need to do NC and try and move on... you will never forget about him and he won't forget about you.. and who knows what the future brings.. I know my ex thinks about me..sometimes that is all I need to continue to practice NC Let him miss you.. he can't do that unless you stop all contact.. Also remember that silence is the loudest of all forms of communication. Maybe you could join a local group.. hiking maybe something that gets you mingling again.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author miss snoopy Posted November 13, 2006 Author Share Posted November 13, 2006 Snoopy I don't know that you should necessarily give up on him but I think that you should not put all of your eggs in one basket so to speak. I can understand that you might not want to try internet dating but you could always join a site to make friends and then decide whether they should remain internet friends or try and become real life ones. lighthouse Thanks Lighthouse, you're right especially as I don't know where he's at in terms of moving on, he may have been so shocked by my behaviour the night we split up (rightly or wrongly) that he moved on very quickly. I'm wary of internet stuff as I've had a bad experience, but I have a lot of social activities around here, I just need to motivate myself to attend them! I think you need to do NC and try and move on... you will never forget about him and he won't forget about you.. and who knows what the future brings.. I know my ex thinks about me..sometimes that is all I need to continue to practice NC Let him miss you.. he can't do that unless you stop all contact.. Also remember that silence is the loudest of all forms of communication. Maybe you could join a local group.. hiking maybe something that gets you mingling again.. Cheers again Art_critic - I think under 3 weeks isn't long enough for him to miss me. Do you mean MY silence or his silence? I've joined 2 groups, one is female only, the other is predominantly female, but it gets me out 2ce a week. Another is mixed but I'm yet to go... maybe this week! I think he still thinks of me a lot but maybe not yet fondly... this will take some time and will depend on him not meeting someone else, or starting an e-sexual LDR with his ex! Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted November 13, 2006 Share Posted November 13, 2006 Do you mean MY silence or his silence? It has to be your silence.. you have to show him that you are walking away from him .. then his thoughts will turn from bad to fond thoughts over time.. this is the only answer.. But you have to move on in order for it to happen.. and good for you on joining the groups..getting out even with females is good for you Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted November 13, 2006 Share Posted November 13, 2006 I think he still thinks of me a lot but maybe not yet fondly My ex was the same way.. I know she doesn't think fondly of me.. but I don't care what she thinks anymore.. Perhaps one day she may realize what she had and what was lost.. but by then it will be too late.. I moved on... Link to post Share on other sites
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