Mom Hates Boyfriend

[Guest]

I have been with my boyfriend for two years now. He is three years older than me and never went to college. He has a steady 9-5 job though that can support himself. He comes from a very liberal family where I am from a more conservative, middle-upper class background. Also, I am in college. About a year ago, we hit a rough patch where we broke up. This was right before I was leaving for college. Some of his words towards me were very hurtful. When I came back for Christmas break, we got back together. Things have turned for the better and I am happy being with him.

 

My mother, though, still is not. She has threatened to disown me or, in her words, "Make sure I will never marry him". She calls him a 'deadbeat' who never went to college and will never be able to support me. She keeps yelling I am making a huge mistake. i have always been very reserved in mentioning him around her.

 

I care for my boyfriend very much and, though we've had our rough patches, I do believe we are on the right track now. I don't feel his education and 'different class' should get in the way of our love for each other. I don't know what to do in order for my mother to understand this. I have tried talking to her and she is very stubborn and will not listen to it. Any suggestions? Should I abandon someone I love so much to satisfy my mother? I feel like I could be making a huge mistake either way and the pressure is very stressful.

 

This is such a brief summary but I hope you caught the jist. Thank you for any input.

[IpAncA]

I think you should leave your mother out of this and not let her tell you who you can and can not date. I can understand that your mother wants you to be ok financially but she should stay out of it and let you decide for yourself.

 

His education and coming from a different class should have nothing to do with how you feel for each other and if you want to continue to date him, then do so.

[CaterpillarGirl]

Have you supported your bf financially in the past? Has he been verbally abusive to you in front of your mother? When you had these "rough patches" in your relationship, did you talk to your mother about them?

 

If the answer is yes to any of these, I can see why your mom has doubts about the relationship. It's her job to look out for you. It would take a lot of time and energy to convince her that he was a worthy match, if she had evidence pointing to the contrary.

 

If the answer is no to all of these, then maybe it is a case of "classism." The best thing to do, if you have not done so already, is to address specific concerns relating to this issue. For example,

 

1) Finances - are you and your bf on good footing? Could you support yourselves if you were to marry? Do you have a long-term financial plan? Could you afford children in the future?

2) Employment - Is his job a stable one? Does he have ambitions for advancement? Would getting a college degree help? Does he enjoy his work? Same for you.

3) Emergencies - What would you do if one of you were to lose your job? Become ill?

 

Present the answers to these questions to your mom as calmly as possible. Show her you've thought seriously about your resources and responsibilities. This should help ease her mind, or at the very least, take away some of her ammunition.

[amaysngrace]

You have to decide for yourself what you want in a spouse. Does this guy make you happy? Does he go easy on you and your feelings, sparing you any discomfort in the relationship? Not financially, but from a caring point of view? Is he always thoughtful of you, valuing you as much as he does himself? Are you able to resolve conflict without resorting to name-calling or shouting, but by being mutually respectful of where the other one is coming from and hearing one another out?

 

If you answered 'no' to any of the questions, your mom may see things you don't. If you answered 'yes' to all of them, I'd say don't let this guy go for anyone.