Good friend, could it be more?

[painislove_04]

Okay...so I REALLY need some advice on what to do, because I am going crazy! It's a long story, but I feel all the details need to be told to get a good picture.I really hope someone will read it all and offer some help!

 

I am in my third year in college. I have this male friend (i will call him Bob) who I've known since I was 12, but only really got close with our senior year of high school. We started to spend a lot of time together: we always gave eachother rides to and from school, (we lived in the country, so it wasn't a quick drive) we would stay after everyone else at a party to talk with one other. Many people started asking if we were dating. At the time, we both kind of laughed at the idea. A few months after we started becoming so close, I was involved in a brief relationship with a guy who also became Bob's friend. The guy i was dating also insisted we liked eachother and I should just be with him. Once again, we'd laugh with eachother, saying things like "why would they think that?? haha.."

 

I think it crossed my mind a couple times that I really liked Bob's company and wondered if i could like him as something more. But it was an absurd thought at the time. The town we grew up in was very small. Everyone knew everyones business and everybody played a "role". So, when i was 12, and first met Bob, I thought he was perfect. Obviously i was just a kid, I barely even talked to him but I thought he was the most attractive, funny guy i'd ever seen. He was the first person i ever had a major crush on. It weaved in and out of importance for the next three years. During this time, I became good friends with a girl I'll call Sue. Sue and Bob always had this weird thing between them -- Sue was crazy for him too, but she let it be shown. Sometimes they would "Date" but the more I got to know Sue, the more I disliked Bob because of the way he treated Sue. He was flaky and it just felt fake most of the time. They wouldn't really date, we were just kids. But anyway, as we got older I got to be really, really good friends with Sue. They started having sex when we were seventeen. It was always after drinking, and hed express no feeling afterward. I could tell it really hurt her, and it got to a point where I thought I hated Bob because of it. As i was her really good friend, even when i became his friend, I just thought the idea of us being more than friends was absurd. Mostly because Sue meant an incredible amount to me, and also, i was so stuck in our "status" roles - I "knew" I was definitely not enough for him.

 

So we spent a lot of time together and it was great. We would talk a lot, talk about the future and how we had similar ideas of what we would like to do. (move to california, etc.) We had similar tastes in music, which is huge to me. I realized i loved spending time with him, but thought it was just a good friendship. We had to do this portfolio project senior year. On the blank pages, we were allowed to be creative. For most people this meant putting in pictures. He dedicated one whole page to pictures of hiim and me. you gotta understand, Bob did not have girl friends like me. I mean, he talked to girls and hung out with them if the occasion arised. But i was one of the only people he called and planned things with, etc. He really talked to me about himself, and i did my best to encourage him. In our year book that year he wrote something along the lines of "i've never been this good of friends with a girl, i'm really going to miss you."

 

I went to school a plane ride away, and we talked on the phone maybe once or twice. When I got back for the first time three months later he was the first person i went to see, and we were both overjoyed to see eachother. I only went far away for one semester, and afterwards I chose to go closer to home. Now i live about an hour and a half from home. For the first year I went home often. I would call him and try to plan something, and even when i didn't, our group of friends was similar so we ended up near eachother. When at a party or gathering or wherever, we always had this strange recognition of eachother. Whoever got there first would be sure to greet the other when they arrived, and it has always involved a hug. At this point, i was still really close with Sue, i spent more time with her than Bob. They still occasionally had a drunk hookup, and I thought Sue would never really move on.

 

At one point, we all got busted for underage drinking at Bob's house. He was very mean to Sue, blaming it on her and just saying harsh things. I was very upset for Sue, who was crying uncontrollably (and she is a tough girl...) I was angry with Bob and I yelled at him about doing that to her. After that, a couple days later, I had a party. I didn't invite him, because I knew Sue didn't need to see him. He found out, and ended up showing up anyway. I told him he wasn't invited, that i was just trying to take care of Sue. He freaked out on me "what the hell is that for?" and stopped talking to me for three months. I think he was really hurt that i chose her over him...

 

(sorry this is soooo long)

 

So after we made up (he never gave me a good explanation for why he cut me off so suddenly) we went back to being good friends. We have had many conversations about how we would like to move to California together. The thing is, we talk maybe twice a month. It gets hard, because I don't go home nearly as often, and he is just not like that. I honestly feel very cared about by him, and if i needed him he would be there. He's just weird about our friendship as it is; it's as if he's not quite sure how to do it.

 

We still try to connect whenever i come home, and a couple times he has come down by me to go to a concert together or come to a significant party. Everytime this happens, he treats me a little different than when at home. Its like he can be more aware of his feelings for me because all those people who would judge aren't around. Sometimes we end up holding hands...it usually involves alcohol so i brushed it off as just how friends are affectionate.

 

About a year ago, it started to register somewhere in me how important Bob was to me. Yes, he was a friend I knew i'd have forever, but it was different. When he was near me, I just wanted to be by him. Everyone else just didn't matter as much in that moment. I would look him in the eye and feel a rush inside. I started to realize I could really see myself with him as something more.

 

I have played along as the "friend" for all this time. Sue has detached from him more and more, and even got a boyfriend she's crazy about recently. That made me feel a little better about admitting these feelings to myself. Thing is, i have had no idea if i should tell him. I feel so much when i'm talking to him I don't see how he couldn't possibly feel that energy too. But i jsut don't know! He often acts kind of nervous when we are alone together, though he always looks me right in the eye and actually listens to what i say. he seems to really take it to heart. I swear this is this connection between us.

 

So, the last time I saw him, we went to a concert with two of my friends who he knew from hs but wasn't really friends with. We drank heavily before hand...but all the time we were drinking we were concentrated on each other, and moved closer and closer to one another. He told me all about how we will be friends forever, and that we really should move to Californina, and when I want to go he will come. He said he's selling his house to get an apt, so that he's more free to roam. We ended up holding hands before hte concert and all the way there. While there we were dancing & singing with one another, holding eachother all the while. Now seriously, we were both really intoxicated. So i couldn't even contemplate what was happening in that moment because i was just caught up in it. But eventually he started kissing me and we were doing this for much of the concert. However, He ended up leaving the concert when i went to the bathroom with some random girl he met! I watched him walk out and realized how much that hurt. I bawled (not just cried...bawled) msot of the rest of the concert. This was the first time I knew i had to do something about my feelings because I could not pretend they werent there anymore.

 

Bob left early the next morning, so i was still half asleep when he hugged me goodbye. We talked a few days later, and he said "I just don't even know about that concert." We started piecing together the events of the night when he got a nother phone call and told me to call him tomorrow. So, we never got to the part of us kissing. Though, I don't htink he would have. It's just not that easy! So, i saw him a few days later at a party but he was going to bed right away. The next morning, he was kind of harsh and wouldn't give me a ride just a couple blocks away. I found this very upsetting, what are friends for? But then i realized maybe he is trying to push me away.

 

My gut tells me that he is scared to feel somethign as strong as love (he has never been in a serious relationship) or perhaps does not even recognize what he is feeling, but subconsciously is aware of it. I would like to trust my gut, but i don't know if that's really just my imagination getting carried away.

 

I just want to know what people think, does it sound like he's into me too? I don't know if i should risk telling him. I can't lose him in my life, he is so important to me. And if i should tell him...how the hell do i do that??? I am not brave enough to just sit down and spit it out. Someone, please help me!

[norajane]

Yeah, sorry, Bob doesn't sound like much of a winner to me. For all that you've been friends since you were 12, it doesn't sound like you can really talk to each other.

 

But that's not what you asked.

 

Bob has had plenty of opportunity to tell you if he had romantic feelings for you. You hold hands and were making out??? What more of an opening or encouragement does he really need? You, also, have had plenty of opportunity to tell him your feelings. Instead, you two are playing games.

 

My advice? Next time you are in town, you and Bob should go out by yourselves - no other friends around - and DO NOT DRINK. Stay sober and tell him that you've started wondering whether you and he might have something special. You'll know after that conversation - when you're not both drunk out of your minds - whether there is anything worth pursuing.