KAPOW!!! The Blow Up

[Ladyjane14]

I think, over time, our love for our spouse develops another facet... not just romantic love anymore, but familial love. Blood of my blood. Bone of my bone.

 

Like a cut diamond, the love we have for our mate has different aspects, and I think it's actually familial love that we sometimes refer to as "unconditional love".

 

I know that back during the tough times, it was probably "familial love" that kept me in my marriage, even during the times when ALL REASON said I should bail the hell out. But abandoning my husband seemed to me akin to abandoning my kids somehow. He's family.

 

When some outsider pisses with your family, it's hard to keep your cool about it.

 

Has your husband expressed any interest in getting a different job? He has a long-standing friendship with this guy... but by virtue of working in a subordinate position, he's no longer on equal footing. And while it's great to be friendly in the workplace, sometimes you have to be proactive in getting what you want/need from your employer. Not an easy task when you're bound by friendship to support the other guy's position and still left to somehow do justice to your own.

[Pink_Tulip]

A4A- My H is similar to yours- very kind, quiet, people pleaser, non confrontational. I can see that if my H were in this situation, it would be very difficult for him, as he takes his loyalties, both personally and professionally, very seriously.

 

Is it that he wants to leave the job, he knows that would be best, but feels stuck? Maybe he doesn't think he has other opportunities? I don't know what his job is, but is is something where you can look on craigslist and find jobs just to show him he has options? I think for most people, that stuck feeling is what is so disabling. If he felt he had a CHOICE in all this, it may help empower him to stand up for himself a bit more. Just a thought. And sorry about your dog.

[a4a]

I think, over time, our love for our spouse develops another facet... not just romantic love anymore, but familial love. Blood of my blood. Bone of my bone.

 

Like a cut diamond, the love we have for our mate has different aspects, and I think it's actually familial love that we sometimes refer to as "unconditional love".

 

I know that back during the tough times, it was probably "familial love" that kept me in my marriage, even during the times when ALL REASON said I should bail the hell out. But abandoning my husband seemed to me akin to abandoning my kids somehow. He's family.

 

When some outsider pisses with your family, it's hard to keep your cool about it.

 

Has your husband expressed any interest in getting a different job? He has a long-standing friendship with this guy... but by virtue of working in a subordinate position, he's no longer on equal footing. And while it's great to be friendly in the workplace, sometimes you have to be proactive in getting what you want/need from your employer. Not an easy task when you're bound by friendship to support the other guy's position and still left to somehow do justice to your own.

 

Thanks LJ you do see it!! Yep his boner is my boner...... (sorry could not help that need some humor today)

 

His or our friend is also like a family member, a f'ed up family member right now. Long story but his dad is dying, his business is out of control, his wife is killing him (maybe literally), and the guy is lashing out at anything that moves.

 

So geeze...... what do ya do? H does have a new job in Feb, he is a contractor not an employee, but B relies on him nearly 100% for the business. H cannot afford to be out of work, I cannot support this house on my own at this moment. Bad Bad Bad Timing.

Problem is B says one thing then does another. You cannot rely on him but keep getting sucked back in because either he has a sob story or throws a bone that H believes it and gets the 'guilts' (so do I)...... I have shown him his options..... now he decided he wants to work for me.. OMG no!! He likes what I do and wants to do it fulltime. I cannot be his boss at work and at home He hates his line of work. So see I am sucked into it again.

 

I suggested that the H bring him/B here and do a freaking intervention of sorts.

 

VENT PORTION JUST SKIP THIS

 

I am bugging out because I am smack in the middle of building a house for resale, friggin work is getting more pressured for me as well..... something has to give.

 

and of course there is that dead dog in my freezer..... :lmao: not funny but so surreal.

 

I cannot help but to laugh when things get this bad. I do not want to go home and hear the latest news, or answer the phone and hear more crap....one more problem or issue and I am going to go postal.

 

For cripes sake the X is even calling me for help again. I have to plan out the X's life as well..... unreal.

 

I have a new partner that does not know her ass from a hole in the ground and yee haw yippy kai yay...... gotta deal with her, which is like dealing with a cardboard cut out of a tater tot. (whatever the hell that means)

 

The vet botched a surgery on the other dog- now needs a bone graft..... the farm is going to start flooding and I wanna crawl up on the roof and scream "leave me alone".

 

*******Auntie Em the barn is on fire, the barn is on fire.....*******

 

Now I logged on to check my horse and he is not looking right...... wtf?

 

I just wanna go to my happy place. But they won't let me!!!

 

ahhh that feels better...... good to vent...... but does not solve the problems.

 

(people keep calling me for stupid reasons, getting hard to curb my tongue and keep my happy face on)

 

VENT END

 

So do you think it is time for a friendly intervention? Or leave the B in the dust? It cannot keep going the way it has for the last year. Keep in mind H already said he is not capable of properly communicating and would like my participation in dealing with B on a friendship level chat thing if we were to do this, have not made up mind yet, not sure if it is a good idea or not.

 

Going to head to the sofa and let LSers decide what to do with my life barring I don't find any more dead animals or B does not call to

tell me he is freaking out and needs beer and an ambulance. :lmao: and that my H is a retard.

[JackJack]

Sorry about the dog

 

Just out of curiosty, this friend of your H's, is he the same friend that at one point was giving you things? Wasn't there a friend who gave you money or gifts or something? Wasn't sure if this was the same guy or not, its probably pretty irrvelant if so, but I was just wondering.

[Ladyjane14]

So do you think it is time for a friendly intervention? Or leave the B in the dust? It cannot keep going the way it has for the last year. Keep in mind H already said he is not capable of properly communicating and would like my participation in dealing with B on a friendship level chat thing if we were to do this, have not made up mind yet, not sure if it is a good idea or not.

 

From what you've posted... I have to doubt that "B" is in a rational place, what with all the stress he's dealing with. You can't really reason with irrational people. I'm not saying he's a raving loon... but stress is STRESSFUL. Anything you or your husband might say right now could be viewed as nonsupportive when the guy is already in a dark place. And of course, your husband will want to keep his friend in the long run. I'm sure you'd want him to. What was it?... something like 30 years of friendship?

 

That leaves you in a bit of a pickle. But the good news is that 'Rome wasn't built in a day', right? Unless the house is on fire... maybe the better bet would be to start slowly unraveling the financial entanglements. You know, just one little thing at a time. With any luck, maybe these two guys could get back on an even keel so that their friendship is maintained but they aren't financially interdependant. (????)

 

Personally, I don't mind being pleasant with my husband's friends... but I prefer it when they go off and do their man-bonding somewhere else. In a perfect world, you could theoretically send the two of them off fishing together every now and then, and only have to clap eyes on Mrs. "B" once or twice a year.

 

Sounds like a worthy GOAL to me.

[whichwayisup]

I suggested that the H bring him/B here and do a freaking intervention of sorts.

 

Maybe B needs to understand boundries and start respecting you and your husband more. And, you and your hubby need to detach yourself from him abit...The guy is a grown man, yet he relies on you two waaaaaay too much. (Hmm, could I say to, two or too, one more time? hehe..)

[a4a]

From what you've posted... I have to doubt that "B" is in a rational place, what with all the stress he's dealing with. You can't really reason with irrational people. I'm not saying he's a raving loon... but stress is STRESSFUL. Anything you or your husband might say right now could be viewed as nonsupportive when the guy is already in a dark place. And of course, your husband will want to keep his friend in the long run. I'm sure you'd want him to. What was it?... something like 30 years of friendship

?

 

Yep 30 + years. I think my H could help him if he would confront the issues. Right now there is one guy that yes sirs him, says yes, the yes man, feeding B's fire. Another employee refers to this guy as the "enabler" The enabler is part of the problem as well.

 

That leaves you in a bit of a pickle. But the good news is that 'Rome wasn't built in a day', right? Unless the house is on fire... maybe the better bet would be to start slowly unraveling the financial entanglements. You know, just one little thing at a time. With any luck, maybe these two guys could get back on an even keel so that their friendship is maintained but they aren't financially interdependant.

(????)

 

Yes and No..... if H leave B is going to be in a serious mess. H does all the things that others cannot, will not, including custom work on the fly. McGyver (sp?) type things that must be done. So B would suffer greatly if they parted. H makes good money, more possible if he used his head. H said last night it is the friendship/loyalty that keeps him there.

Admirable but not productive for him or us.

 

If H used his head and applied himself and took on a role of leadership in this Co. he could do very well. Again needs to be assertive, use better communication skills, and understanding how to deal with people in neg. situations.........turn lemons into lemonade. He has to learn how to manipulate things so it is a win win for all involved. Both B and H lack these skills. (I feel like knocking their heads together to see if there is a lick of sense in either of them) Then you have the kitchen chicken who is nuts that gets B all fired up, and does things like refusing to pay employees She won't even speak to my H at this point just says "hey"

 

The house is on fire, I cannot continue to financially support everything. I simply cannot.

 

 

Personally, I don't mind being pleasant with my husband's friends... but I prefer it when they go off and do their man-bonding somewhere else. In a perfect world, you could theoretically send the two of them off fishing together every now and then, and only have to clap eyes on Mrs. "B" once or twice a year.

 

Oh see I have a ball with the friend. We get along great when out! I am always the one joking and laughing with the guys, they are my friends too. I am more likely to go fishing with B than H is. At the race it is B and I that are acting like asses together and having fun.

 

I really do like B, it is so sad to see all this happening to him. It is sad to see their and our friendship go down the drain because both of them communicate with grunts and ego wars. Stupid stupid stupid. I just stay out of it and play the fun person with B. I do not get involved unless asked a question or a comment is made to me. B comes to me often when he has issues with the H...I do not take sides even..... I do not ask to get involved with that. Nor have I ever mentioned anything to B about his wife except that she seemed upset one time. "is she ok, she seems upset with us"

 

It seems like the simplist thing would be to sit them both down and have them confront the issues with the friendship and business. But then again I would feel like I was stepping over a boundary by doing so. B has said he has no real reason to even get up in the mornings.... It is difficult to sit back and watch a friend go down the tubes when you know you might be able to help. It makes it worse when a friends actions are effecting your own life. Now that much of the problem I will deal with. I will not allow anyone to effect my life in that much of a neg. way and keep me from reaching my own goals.

 

I am laughing right now because I remember I snapped last night and told the H "sometimes you just have to shoot the f-ing horse" ......

 

back to work and coffee........

 

 

Do I sit the B and H down and confront the issues? It could be a win win for both of them. It really could. Or just shoot the horse?

[Ladyjane14]

Do I sit the B and H down and confront the issues? It could be a win win for both of them. It really could. Or just shoot the horse?

 

Sorry I'm just now getting back.

 

I have to say that regardless of the financial ramifications... I don't think I'd touch a confrontation like that with a 10-foot pole.

 

Problem is... if everything goes to heck in a handbasket, it's YOU that's going to come off like Yoko Ono in the Beatles break-up. Personally, I'd rather tighten up my belt than go down that path, but that's just me.

 

You've said that "B" is your friend too. But if you and your husband were divorced tomorrow... which one of you would keep custody of him?

 

IMO, THAT's the person who needs to take up these issues. The other would probably be better off keeping their kidgloves lily-white. That way.... a peace-maker survives the initial conflict.

 

If Husband doesn't want to tackle it alone... you can always give him the old "atta-boy-you-can-do-it" build-up, and gently ENCOURAGE him.

 

He's got some problems though, as stated here:

If H used his head and applied himself and took on a role of leadership in this Co. he could do very well. Again needs to be assertive, use better communication skills, and understanding how to deal with people in neg. situations.........turn lemons into lemonade. He has to learn how to manipulate things so it is a win win for all involved.

 

But these are his problems internally. Not yours. Situationally, yeah... you could jump right in and maybe sort some people out, but won't you then end up doing the same thing EVERY time? If that's the case... then you're ALWAYS cast as the authority figure in the duo.

[a4a]

 

 

If that's the case... then you're ALWAYS cast as the authority figure in the duo.

 

Well that is the way it is. Not always but most of the time, no big deal at this point. I guess some people prefer their spouse to hold the reins more often.

I don't see anything wrong with it as long as final decisions are made as a team.

 

We decided last night to go ahead and have the chat with the friend. Either it changes or he leaves ASAP. H agrees and wants to so maybe we can help B before just bailing or avoid bailing. Status quo ain't cutting it. It is not productive for B or my H to continue like this, nor does it benefit our M. So looks like I am in it. I guess it is ok. I'll deal with the outcome. I dealt with it a year ago I will deal with it this round.

 

At this point I just want results, regardless of which way they go.

 

Thanks LJ you made me realize that I am supposed to be in charge most of the time. Why I was fighting not to be- I have yet to figure out. H wants it that way. He as much as said so last night in a round about way. It is what attracted him to me he says. And that is was keeps my in a position of being needed at work too. Maybe I can learn to just turn it off once a week to relax. Or take up drinking

 

I have come to the realization I have spent my entire life helping people, taking care of their needs, making the tough decisions, taking the risks, and be responsible.... I thought I could get a little break. Looks like now is not the time for that.

 

Thank you....... I am going to quit fighting it and take the helm.

[Moose]

OMG!!!! WHEW ------- LJ..... your post went Right over her head.......lmao!!

[a4a]

OMG!!!! WHEW ------- LJ..... your post went Right over her head.......lmao!!

 

No but H and I had a trip to take last night and discussed it in detail. So no but her post did point out to me that I will always be cast as the leader, authority figure, and responsible one ultimatley...... and that is ok.

 

I think that is rather normal to have one person who has more drive, be more aggressive, and handles things better in some instances that is put into the leadership role. I would have no problem having him stay home and eat bon bon's if I could afford for him to do so. Soon I may be able to provide that.

 

He would prefer to just stay home and putter around the farm. Work on the house, landscape, and even cook and clean. His words..... he is satisfied by having a nice home, that makes him happy. Interesting drive conversation indeed. So I just need to figure out the quickest way to get him what he wants.

 

Keep in mind this is not that odd, the X called yesterday asking me to handle finances and totally handle a building project. I just thought I would not be cast in the same role. Thought I could relax a tad. But that is ok.

 

Thanks for refraining from posting to my thread BTW....

[Moose]

Whatever floats his boat I guess.

 

My point, (maybe others too), perhaps.....JUST PERHAPS, you're doing more damage than good?

 

What guarentees does he have you'll be there for the rest of his life? How would he fend for himself then? What are the LONG term affects you/he can expect?

 

He may be telling you what he wants, but does he even know what's best for him? How do you know what's best for him?

 

Sometimes the easy fix creates more problems later on down the road.

Thanks for refraining from posting to my thread BTW....

Hey.....no problem.....

[a4a]

Whatever floats his boat I guess.

 

My point, (maybe others too), perhaps.....JUST PERHAPS, you're doing more damage than good?

 

What guarentees does he have you'll be there for the rest of his life? How would he fend for himself then? What are the LONG term affects you/he can expect?

 

He may be telling you what he wants, but does he even know what's best for him? How do you know what's best for him?

 

Sometimes the easy fix creates more problems later on down the road.Hey.....no problem.....

 

 

more damage than good in what regards? If I had a dream to be a stay at home wife and putter about I am sure nobody would ask if that would be a good idea or not. As for fending for himself of course he is capable. With proper investments which he can managed and looking into more real estate I am quite sure we will be secure enough if either of us croaks or runs away with the maid.

 

If that is what makes him happy so be it. He may start a wood working biz with one of a kind furniture made at his leisure. I think I can pull this off in 5 years if we really apply ourselves to the goal of making him able to have the freedom to do as he pleases.

 

And no I cannot say what will be best for him, how could anyone say that. He can make his choices and I will support him in those. But I have to just make sure the financial ends are worked through. If his goal is to leave the work force...... so be it. I don't have a problem with that once our ducks are in a row.

 

Thanks all for your input....... gotta run feed the hungry hungry hippos......

see ya Mon. perhaps!

 

I don't care what he wants to do...... he can become a bee keeper if that makes him happy. We just need a good financial plan to reach a point of security so it is possible. I will figure out a way to do it.

[JadeStar]

I think that is rather normal to have one person who has more drive, be more aggressive, and handles things better in some instances that is put into the leadership role.

 

 

I agree its good sometimes that there will be one who takes on more of a leadership role, and ppl have to do what works for them and their relationship. However, I know for me in my situation I am probably the one more in that role than hubby, simply because I just think thats the way we are both wired/taught. I'm the "getter done type", while he is the, "I'm going to sit on my a$$ and watch you do it type". But I must say, there have been times I get really burnt out and even resentful becasue it always seems I am the one who gets things done etc.When I say get things done, I'm not just talking about house cleaning, I'm meaning in alot of areas, decision making about things, priorities finances etc etc. While he is happy and content letting me. I have tried to help him see where I am coming from on things, and that it should not always be up to me to do this and that. To always be the one to take iniative to do soimething. He has seen what I mean, but is it consistant in that he takes charge or at least attempts to when I'm burnt out? Nope. He is lazy and over the years took me for granted in certain aspects.

 

Do you know who I credit that to? his mother. Yep she always did everything for him. No he is not spineless, but can be at times. Things were done for him, when he should have taken or was taught to take the iniative on things. Theres nothing wrong with being helpful or doing something for someone, but all the time or a good part of the time, I don't think so, well not in my book anyway. I'm not saying in no way shapre of form a4a that your husband does nothing at all, because I know thats not the case. I'm just saying I, myself feel burnt out the times I feel like I have to step in a take the leadership role, because more so than none, its me that feels I have to or things wil go "undone." or whatever the case might be. My hubby lacks responsibilty in some areas, not all but some, and I guess the thing that really chaps my hide is, he seems happy with it being that way. Becasue then he is free of doing certain things, making certain decisions etc. For me it can be draining at times. Of course you are probably stronger than me. All I'm saying is, I get tired of being the "leader".

[Ladyjane14]

Well, I hope you'll let us know how it all comes out. I think it's an interesting concept that you have. It'll be illuminating to observe how it works in practice over a period of time.

 

In essence, you're going in direct opposition to everything I've learned about male psychology over the course of my life. I find that absolutely fascinating.... and I wish you much luck in it.

 

Keep us posted.

[Mary3]

dang i was waiting to hear some crazy story about you sinking in the tub without your blow up doll.

 

Did you use the doll as a floatation device ?

[a4a]

I think that is rather normal to have one person who has more drive, be more aggressive, and handles things better in some instances that is put into the leadership role.

 

 

I agree its good sometimes that there will be one who takes on more of a leadership role, and ppl have to do what works for them and their relationship. However, I know for me in my situation I am probably the one more in that role than hubby, simply because I just think thats the way we are both wired/taught. I'm the "getter done type", while he is the, "I'm going to sit on my a$$ and watch you do it type". But I must say, there have been times I get really burnt out and even resentful becasue it always seems I am the one who gets things done etc.When I say get things done, I'm not just talking about house cleaning, I'm meaning in alot of areas, decision making about things, priorities finances etc etc. While he is happy and content letting me. I have tried to help him see where I am coming from on things, and that it should not always be up to me to do this and that. To always be the one to take iniative to do soimething. He has seen what I mean, but is it consistant in that he takes charge or at least attempts to when I'm burnt out? Nope. He is lazy and over the years took me for granted in certain aspects.

 

Do you know who I credit that to? his mother. Yep she always did everything for him. No he is not spineless, but can be at times. Things were done for him, when he should have taken or was taught to take the iniative on things. Theres nothing wrong with being helpful or doing something for someone, but all the time or a good part of the time, I don't think so, well not in my book anyway. I'm not saying in no way shapre of form a4a that your husband does nothing at all, because I know thats not the case. I'm just saying I, myself feel burnt out the times I feel like I have to step in a take the leadership role, because more so than none, its me that feels I have to or things wil go "undone." or whatever the case might be. My hubby lacks responsibilty in some areas, not all but some, and I guess the thing that really chaps my hide is, he seems happy with it being that way. Becasue then he is free of doing certain things, making certain decisions etc. For me it can be draining at times. Of course you are probably stronger than me. All I'm saying is, I get tired of being the "leader".

 

 

well Jade maybe it is time to learn that you cannot sit back and watch things not happen. You have to see if you don't do them things like having food and roof over your head at the age of retirement may not happen- unless you take the helm.

 

If you are like me I look at tomorrow, next week, next month, next year, and the next 20 years. I attempt to form a plan to make tomorrows better. I am alone in this planning. So be it. He is starting to look at tomorrows now. I think it took a bit to get him to see "If I do this today, tomorrow this should happen".

 

I will not allow things to really go bad but on small things he is just going to have to pay for his lack of planning.

 

LJ, the basic psychology does not work on him. If I build him up it does nothing but make his head fatter. He responds to directness without the ego feed. As I have attempted to explain a million times he is not the typical male. I see him as being actually much more self suffcient, much less needy, more able to go without ego boosting. He judges himself. What others say really has zero meaning to him. Good or bad it will not stick. He only compares his deeds to his own deeds. It is very interesting.

 

 

I train animals for living. I am well aware of basic psychology, response and reward, neg. behavior mod. You name it I have tried it. Like I say if you do not get the response or reaction you desire it is your own fault. You must change the stimulus. I have changed it and now I am finally getting some results. He is a say what you mean kind of guy. No games, no BS, blunt and to the point. Don't ever try to manipulate him or the result is a disaster. He is very able to pick up on when he is being manipulated by others.

 

 

The typical honey bunny please cuz I love you and throwing a bone for a result or effort does not work. Direct engagement does seem to work. Praise is not valued by him at all.

 

Giving him a choice of results and consquences laid out to him does seem to work.

[Moose]

That your relationship is a unique one.

 

That your husband is a unique person.

 

That you're a unique person.

 

That your methods are un-orthidox.

 

Personally, I don't think that, "training" animals and making your relationship a healthy one coincide in the least little bit.

 

BUT, that's just my opinion, and it will be fascinating to watch how this plays out.....

[a4a]

That your relationship is a unique one.

 

That your husband is a unique person.

 

That you're a unique person.

 

That your methods are un-orthidox.

 

Personally, I don't think that, "training" animals and making your relationship a healthy one coincide in the least little bit.

 

BUT, that's just my opinion, and it will be fascinating to watch how this plays out.....

 

Well Moose perhaps because you do not understand that even with animals some basics that also apply with human R's apply.

 

Trust. Benefit. Reward. Massive Effort. Consistancy. Many many more things are quite similar on the most basic levels of needs for a quality relationship with an animal. But by far the most important that nothing can be achieved without is Communication. So Yes it can be very very very similar indeed.

 

I suggest you do some reading on this as it may be very enlightening to you. There is much to learn about communication with animals that can certainly apply to human to human relationships and communication. Only difference is animals do not tend to be deceptive or ego driven as the majority of humans.

 

As a matter a fact a recent article informed that a med school was sending med students to work with animals to learn how to communicate with human patients, bedside manners, and learn to be more aware of their own communication or lack of communication skills.

 

It was a very interesting read. Made total sense and the med students learned so much. http://news-service.stanford.edu/news/2006/august23/med-horses-082306.html

 

Yes the H is very unique indeed. Perhaps that is why he is more difficult to figure out how to communicate with. Or different stimulus works with him vs. normal dude.

[Moose]

It was only an opinion, I don't think I need to read up on it.......

 

Especially when one key factor trumps your whole ideal, (again, only my opinion).

 

Your husband is ALOT smarter than any animal.....

[a4a]

It was only an opinion, I don't think I need to read up on it.......

 

Especially when one key factor trumps your whole ideal, (again, only my opinion).

 

Your husband is ALOT smarter than any animal.....

 

Moose the basics still apply. And a trusting relationship still applies. Communication still applies. Learning a new language to communicate with the individual still applies.

 

My H is an animal.... Yep, a mammal. Human animal with different thought processes then other animals perhaps but so many similarities. Of course we believe our ancestors swung from trees and we are not made via magical creation. So many of our left over instincts do guide us. Herd and pack behaviors do apply to humans as well.

 

Too bad you are not willing to look into other possible ways to learn to communicate. You could learn to approach people in a manner in which you will get better results. It can be very enlightening indeed.

 

There is also a book out : what shamu taught me about a happy marriage. I have not read it yet but looks very intersting. I may order it today.

 

So many similar techniques used. It is unfortunate that I get zero response for rewarding my H. He actually finds compliments on his work to be degrading. Condesending in some ways. Ignored unwanted behavior actually will escalate with him. So unless he first approves of his own actions I actually cause more harm (response/reaction) if I did reward the action. He is not influenced by the opinions of others either. He is his own man. And yes much smarter than the average joe/animal in general IMHO. He is well aware that the majority of people are just full of shyte and narrow minded and attempt to manipulate others to fit their own desires, ideals, and needs.

 

So it is a matter of showing him that he has choices in his actions and to look for the result he believes best suits him.

[a4a]

Correction the book is titled ( I think) Kicked, Bitten, and Scratched: Life and Lessons at the Premier School for Exotic Animal Trainers

 

the article was "shamu..............."

[EnigmaXOXO]

At some point in our relationships, every single one of us has been guilty of delivering an ultimatum as a means to define our personal boundaries. It happens. Even the passive aggressive who (instead of verbalizing their expectations) might choose to act out in spite by going against their partner's wishes just to prove: "nobody's the boss of me."

 

Both methods are the same not-so-subtle way of defining personal boundaries and wrestling to regain control. But only an insecure person would feel they've actually lost it in the first place just because their partner felt the need to step up and put their foot down.

[Walk]

I still think a4a is on track with how she see's things. Irregardless of what Moose is saying. Reverse her situation, and Moose would be saying it's a traditional, acceptable marriage. But because its the female in the lead role, then it's unacceptable behavior.

 

My only concern with how a4a is doing things is the potential for her husband to become too... uh... complacent with it. That he'll burden a4a with too much of the responsibility and cause too large a strain on the relationship. He holds the freedom and abillity to pick up as much of the power in this relationship as he wishes, but he chooses not to. The more she allows him to basically slack off, the more chance there is that she'll blow up again.

 

I see this relationship more like a4a saying she's strong enough to hold together both of their lives and all it's various parts, and her husband handing it over eagerly. Too eagerly. And I think that's an area that could be full of problems.

[Moose]

Reverse her situation, and Moose would be saying it's a traditional, acceptable marriage. But because its the female in the lead role, then it's unacceptable behavior.

I certainly would not......I will explain when I'm not in a room with all my salespeople.......