KAPOW!!! The Blow Up

[amaysngrace]

I had a controlling husband and all you accomplish by tightening the leash around his neck is resentment and * escape * Unless his brain is jelly filled by now and he just does his rolloevers and tricks on his back....

 

My exH was controlling as well, but he did get the bills paid and he did manage the money, which was great because I suck at that kind of stuff.

 

The problem was that he didn't respect me. If my next guy handles the finances but does it without being a jerk about it, I will definitely appreciate that.

 

If couple's have individual strengths and weaknesses, I think it makes perfect good sense to recognize them and let the stronger person fill the role they are better at. As long as the stronger person respects the weaker one, and the weaker one appreciates the stronger one, what's the big deal?

[a4a]

" Consequences he may face ? " This sounds like a prisoner in a lock~down situation . Or maybe a middle schooler who got caught smoking. ?

 

What are the consequences of being your wife ? None that I would want to contemplate...

 

I had a controlling husband and all you accomplish by tightening the leash around his neck is resentment and * escape * Unless his brain is jelly filled by now and he just does his rolloevers and tricks on his back....

 

I am trying to understand why people would get such an idea that I control him. Simply because I open my mouth and say "wait a minute, this is not going to work for either of us. We need to reevaluate this situation"...... that is controlling??? No that is called communication. Should I sit in the corner and just whistle?

 

Our basic communication is almost a formula.

What do you think? What I think? What outcome do you see? What action should we take? Do we agree to an action? Who will take the action?

 

When my life is effected I do have the right to say...... I have had enough, we need to deal with this issue, or I am going to have to without your input. That is not control, that is telling someone that they are not treating you in a manner in which you desire ( or our life is being effected in a neg. manner) and we need to deal with it.

 

Consquences he will face?...... well if I am more aware of something or am able to know/predict what will happen. I guess I do make it clear to him that something or some action must be taken. When the property taxes are due well I tell him they have to be paid since he probably forgot. The consquences are easy to point out in that case. If he continued to allow B to push him around the consquences are obvious to me....... B will push him around even more. This is not the first time B has done this. Past actions predict the future. He avoided confrontation. Which is amazing because he will confront/engage me in a heartbeat over even the most minor things.

 

Again let me make it clear that H thanked me, which tells me that he was probably looking for "back up" and I was saying "go ahead and deal with this crap once and for all, and don't worry about it if you get "fired" or not". It was my H that came into the house storming angry, slamming things around.

[Moose]

I am trying to understand why people would get such an idea that I control him. Simply because I open my mouth and say "wait a minute, this is not going to work for either of us. We need to reevaluate this situation"...... that is controlling??? No that is called communication. Should I sit in the corner and just whistle?

If it works for you guys, who cares what people think?

 

I just dare say that most women wouldn't meddle in their spouse's professional life, but your situation is a little different. I'd also add that working for family or friends rarely if ever work out. I don't understand why your Husband just doesn't tell, "B", he's moving on to better things and do it.....but apparently.....(and don't take this the wrong way), but it's almost if your husband doesn't mind that kind of abuse.

 

But again, it's your thang, do what you wanna do....

[a4a]

If it works for you guys, who cares what people think?

 

I just dare say that most women wouldn't meddle in their spouse's professional life, but your situation is a little different. I'd also add that working for family or friends rarely if ever work out. I don't understand why your Husband just doesn't tell, "B", he's moving on to better things and do it.....but apparently.....(and don't take this the wrong way), but it's almost if your husband doesn't mind that kind of abuse.

 

But again, it's your thang, do what you wanna do....

 

Moose I agree with you on this

 

He only went to help him as partners, it was just my H and B when the company started. B needed his help. That was about 2.5 years ago. H wants to leave and most likely will but cannot leave B in a lurch either. Also the money is great, so until the new company starts it is unlikely he could find a job that pays as well as this one does or have the ability to remain a contractor and not an employee. It is almost like what you preach about M, if things get rough do you just bail? Or do you try to work them out? Well this is a 30 yr friendship. I don't think just bailing is the right thing to do, the H is torn. Two more months and the answer will come. Things have already improved since the blow up. B even sent a gift home for me with the H. I don't know what is up with that. I have not spoken to B in at least 3 weeks.

 

The only reason I do care if people state things is because it is normal to want to have people understand the reality of the situation without just flinging out any BS at you or pointing fingers and making claims without knowing the facts.

 

To add to a fact...... I don't even attend corp. parties the majority of the time unless my H requests that I do go for him....... that is how much I do not meddle.

[JamesM]

I am trying to understand why people would get such an idea that I control him. Simply because I open my mouth and say "wait a minute, this is not going to work for either of us. We need to reevaluate this situation"...... that is controlling??? No that is called communication. Should I sit in the corner and just whistle?

 

a4a, having read many of your threads regarding your husband, I would have to say that our perception of your attitude towards your husband comes from how you write...good or bad. I have determined that this isn't necessarily the person he sees. But even if you said the same words you typed, your expressions and tone may say something different than "I control you." Yes, my perception from your words is that you control him whether directly or indirectly.

 

Should you sit and whistle in a corner? Depends how loud you are. You are right...you should communicate your concerns to him. And you should do it the most effective way.

 

So, our perception is from your communication to us. That is all we have to go on.

 

But that should be somewhat irrelevant, because you come here asking for advice. We should be willing to help you...rather than attacking you. Even though you and I have disagreed in the past...and probably will in the future, I think that whether or not you control your husband is your business/problem...unless it relates to the issue you present.

[a4a]

a4a, having read many of your threads regarding your husband, I would have to say that our perception of your attitude towards your husband comes from how you write...good or bad. I have determined that this isn't necessarily the person he sees. But even if you said the same words you typed, your expressions and tone may say something different than "I control you." Yes, my perception from your words is that you control him whether directly or indirectly.

 

Should you sit and whistle in a corner? Depends how loud you are. You are right...you should communicate your concerns to him. And you should do it the most effective way.

 

So, our perception is from your communication to us. That is all we have to go on.

 

But that should be somewhat irrelevant, because you come here asking for advice. We should be willing to help you...rather than attacking you. Even though you and I have disagreed in the past...and probably will in the future, I think that whether or not you control your husband is your business/problem...unless it relates to the issue you present.

 

Perhaps it is because we communicate in our M differently than maybe most or some do??? We are very direct.

 

Trust me he is not some sort of a pansy, he is far from being tolerant of any crap from me and certainly would not tolerate me telling him what to do. If I want him to understand my pov I have to discuss whys, hows, and whens.

 

So perhaps that is where you may think I am overly aggressive or controlling.

Perhaps because I can see things more quickly than he does or understand that consquences come from taking certain actions better than he does it makes me look like I am in more control of our M. I am just probably quicker on the draw more aware in some cases of outcomes.

 

Fine example was his X popped up again. I told him about 5 weeks ago that she is due to pop up and will for the holidays. So she did. I said I had enough and we discussed it. He was sick of her BS as well. We decided she had gotten out of line one too many times and he needed to address it. It was not my place to address it directly even though it did effect me.

 

Fine example of how you have to say "listen this is effecting me, and you need to do something about it (confront it), lets discuss how to deal with it" I don't see how that is so controlling directly or indirectly. That is direct communication and confronting an issue together.

 

Same with the B.

[Moose]

Perhaps because I can see things more quickly than he does or understand that consquences come from taking certain actions better than he does it makes me look like I am in more control of our M.

This is where it starts to bother me, (I guess on a personal level), about your way of thinking.....

 

Just because you think of these thing, "Quicker", or you say you understand these, "better", doesn't neccessitate your stepping in and up for him.

 

Sometimes a person needs to learn these things themselves. And that's where I think it could end up damaging him if something were to ever happen to you.....how would he know how to get along by himself?

 

So yes, in a way, (I think), sometimes it's BEST that you do sit in the corner and whistle.......but very quitely.......

[JackJack]

Fine example was his X popped up again. I told him about 5 weeks ago that she is due to pop up and will for the holidays. So she did. I said I had enough and we discussed it. He was sick of her BS as well. We decided she had gotten out of line one too many times and he needed to address it. It was not my place to address it directly even though it did effect me.

 

 

This is what I don't think I get, and haven't gotten so far even in your other posts reguarding your H. Can he not see anything for himself with out you bringing something to his attention? I don't mean that in a mean way, I'm, just asking. It seems that you are always quick to bring something to his attention wheather something truly needs to be addressed right then and there or not. It comes across as that he can't see/do/think for himself.

[amaysngrace]

Sometimes a person needs to learn these things themselves. And that's where I think it could end up damaging him if something were to ever happen to you.....how would he know how to get along by himself?

 

So yes, in a way, (I think), sometimes it's BEST that you do sit in the corner and whistle.......but very quitely.......

 

 

I understand what you're saying Moose. Sometimes a4a shouldn't rush in to solve the problems, but let him figure them out for himself? Is that correct?

 

I have to disagree with this only because if she is better at handling certain situations, with more efficiency, then it would seem to be a waste of time to leave it to him.

 

I say this only because he is learning from her. He is with her daily. He is picking up on her skills, whether he wants to or not. He sees how she accomplishes things and it's having a direct impact on how he's absorbing it all.

 

I know this is true. I've learned many things from my mother that she never taught me directly. I watched and took it in, and now that it's time for me to do these things myself I am completely able to.

 

But I didn't do them while she was doing them for me. I didn't really need to until now.

 

If someone's better at/willing to do the work, there are people who will allow them to gratefully.

[Moose]

I say this only because he is learning from her. He is with her daily. He is picking up on her skills, whether he wants to or not. He sees how she accomplishes things and it's having a direct impact on how he's absorbing it all.

All of this isn't any good if he doesn't get the chance to practice it...

 

AND, the first thing a4a will say when she posts again is that her husband, "ASKS" her to do this.

 

We are left having to trust that this is true.

 

So let it be......let it go.......I don't care what they do......

 

I've stated my opinions on it, and I stand my ground. period.

[JackJack]

All of this isn't any good if he doesn't get the chance to practice it...

 

 

Damn he beat me to it. This was my point as well. I think its great if she sees things quicker than him and wants to get things taken care of, and its good he can learn from her, but if she is always so quick to bring something to his attention each and every time something comes up, then he will never be able to learn how to think/do/see things for himself.

[amaysngrace]

Can he not see anything for himself with out you bringing something to his attention? I don't mean that in a mean way, I'm, just asking. It seems that you are always quick to bring something to his attention wheather something truly needs to be addressed right then and there or not. It comes across as that he can't see/do/think for himself.

 

And here is where things are mistaken as attacks. Don't you realize a4a is extremely loyal to her husband?

 

Loyalty allows for certain things, and one of them is "I can complain about the one I'm loyal to...but YOU better not".

 

I can see how this can be mistaken for an attack. Even though you may be doing nothing of the sort.

[Moose]

And here is where things are mistaken as attacks. Don't you realize a4a is extremely loyal to her husband?

This is where maybe a4a needs to grow some tougher skin then.

 

All I see is an opinion, on how JJ views this.....nothing personal at all....

[amaysngrace]

This is where maybe a4a needs to grow some tougher skin then.

 

All I see is an opinion, on how JJ views this.....nothing personal at all....

 

Well, she hasn't even replied yet as to whether or not she's viewed it as one.

 

But the same rules apply. You may say "my wife is this or my wife is that" but as soon as an outsider says it, your first response will be to defend her.

 

That's loyalty.

[JackJack]

And here is where things are mistaken as attacks. Don't you realize a4a is extremely loyal to her husband?

 

 

I have been through this before with a4a viewing these things as attacks. If this is how she preceives them or anyone else theres nothing I can do about it. An opinon is not an attack. Its not meant to be that way anyway from me. It amazes me to see that if people are in agreence with one another all is well in the world, but if someone has another opinon on something that doesn't sit well with the other, then its viewed as an attack. Sometime its not always in how someone says something after all, it can also be in how one perceives it. If I thought every single time someone gave me an opinon on something that it was an attack, then I would stay pissed off all the time.

 

No one said she wasn't loyal to her husband. And my reply to her doesn't not question that.

[a4a]

This is where it starts to bother me, (I guess on a personal level), about your way of thinking.....

 

Just because you think of these thing, "Quicker", or you say you understand these, "better", doesn't neccessitate your stepping in and up for him.

 

Sometimes a person needs to learn these things themselves. And that's where I think it could end up damaging him if something were to ever happen to you.....how would he know how to get along by himself?

 

So yes, in a way, (I think), sometimes it's BEST that you do sit in the corner and whistle.......but very quitely.......

 

It is not possible to continue to whistle for that long and have it effect you directly. My H seems to think if it is not broke don't fix it. So if I don't say anything then it is ok.

 

When things involve my future or the future of us I will not sit quietly and watch things go down the tubes. That would just be stupid. He is not 5 years old, but he is not a mind reader either.

 

I do have much better gut instincts on people, I am able to predict their moves a good majority of the time. My H on the other hand is capable of figuring out anything mechanical, build anything, or get something to work.

 

Now do you think if the car would not start he should just leave me stranded too?

 

Would it be controlling of him to come and get it started for me?

 

Or if he knew the starter was getting ready to go, if he tells me that for my own good he is controlling as well? - Don't drive too far cause the starter is going and you will end up stranded.

 

What is the difference if I warn him that his B is going to start up again in a couple of weeks, or his X will not quit contact with us unless he deals with it.

[amaysngrace]

Sometime its not always in how someone says something after all, it can also be in how one perceives it.

 

When it comes from someone who possesses the skills her H is currently alleviated from displaying, then it could be misconstrued as an attack.

 

I find it ironic, yet fascinating, that you (and others ) rush in to defend her H quite often.

 

Isn't this the exact 'negative' behaviour you accuse her of?

[a4a]

All of this isn't any good if he doesn't get the chance to practice it...

 

 

Damn he beat me to it. This was my point as well. I think its great if she sees things quicker than him and wants to get things taken care of, and its good he can learn from her, but if she is always so quick to bring something to his attention each and every time something comes up, then he will never be able to learn how to think/do/see things for himself.

 

 

See Jack this is new to him. Previously all he had to worry about was himself. He had never had to think about US. Honestly he is a little selfish. Not in a very apparent way but he forgets at times that it is US now not just him.

So on occassion I do have to kick him in the ass.

 

He handled his X very well when I brought it to his attention that a boundary was indeed crossed and effected me. Unless I told him it bothered me, how would he know to what extent it did?

 

He is not a 5 year old and has lived long enough on his own to take care of himself. It is a huge adjustment to go from 36 years of just worrying about yourself to living with someone who you need to consider in daily decisions and life changing decisions.

 

The things I bring to his attention are those things that directly effect me. This is where his thought process needs adjustment and it is. It is improving quite a bit.

[JackJack]

When it comes from someone who possesses the skills her H is currently alleviated from displaying, then it could be misconstrued as an attack.

 

I find it ironic, yet fascinating, that you (and others ) rush in to defend her H quite often.

 

Isn't this the exact 'negative' behaviour you accuse her of?

 

 

Once again it was not attack. I'm not rushing in to defend her H really, but its no different than you rushing in to defend her, or make it known that my opinon comes across as an attack now is it? My orginal reply was to her, not you anyway. So if she views it as an attack then I guess she just does, its not what I was trying to do. I guess I was just blessed or cursed rather with being able to give an opinon and it coming off as an attack.

[amaysngrace]

Once again it was not attack. I'm not rushing in to defend her H really, but its no different than you rushing in to defend her, or make it known that my opinon comes across as an attack now is it? My orginal reply was to her, not you anyway. So if she views it as an attack then I guess she just does, its not what I was trying to do. I guess I was just blessed or cursed rather with being able to give an opinon and it coming off as an attack.

 

Wow...so serious. Lighten up man.

 

You piss off easily, huh?

 

I wasn't saying who was right or who was wrong. I was just saying.

[JackJack]

Wow...so serious. Lighten up man.

 

You piss off easily, huh?

 

I wasn't saying who was right or who was wrong. I was just saying.

 

 

Nah I'm not pissed off, but you are welcome to view it that way. If I were you would know it. There would be screaming and shouting of obsenities and lots of exclaimations. Plus, if I were tuly mad I wouldn't drg it out in the fourm I would use PMs.

 

OK, a4a I wish you well hun. Its good that you are seeing improvements.

[a4a]

All of this isn't any good if he doesn't get the chance to practice it...

 

AND, the first thing a4a will say when she posts again is that her husband, "ASKS" her to do this.

 

We are left having to trust that this is true.

 

So let it be......let it go.......I don't care what they do......

 

I've stated my opinions on it, and I stand my ground. period.

 

 

No Moose, H came home that Friday night angry..... so angry I listened to him rant and rave (slamming things around the kitchen) for about 20 minutes about B. Said he was sick of it. AGAIN.

So I listened and I said I had enough as well. I had enough of the bitching and moaning about B from the H. I had enough of B dictating what we can and cannot do on our personal time, the same thing my H said to me multiple times for at least a year. So if I provided him with the strength to stand up to B so be it. If that is what he needed from me, glad to give it to him.

 

This is not some friend he met last week, this is a friend of 30 years, it is not easy for a person like my H to just say F you to him. B knows this and takes advantage of it.

 

Grace you are damn right I am loyal to my H and he is to me. And it takes one hell of a man to say thank you for showing me something I was not aware of. And he did thank me.

 

He is used to not relying on anyone, maybe that is the problem. He is not used to working as a team to get things done or to see different perspectives on things. We got into a doozy of a debate this weekend over how to put up a fence. Did he stand up to me? You bet he did, as usual, he even yells at me . But he feels trapped into working with B right now so standing up to him could have meant he would be out of work for 2 months. He wimped out on risking that. I did not, in the end H did not either. All of it worked out. Boundaries are drawn with B, and B know no more crap and tantrums will be tolerated by my H. So H did make the call, said No himself..... if that is not practicing it I don't know what is. Also H took care of his intruding X. Again he is learning to confront issues that effect US. If it were just him I can see why it would not be such a concern to him. Hell I take crap off of people all the time, but I will not allow anyone to intrude in our M, or give me crap that will effect my H.

[a4a]

And here is where things are mistaken as attacks. Don't you realize a4a is extremely loyal to her husband?

 

Loyalty allows for certain things, and one of them is "I can complain about the one I'm loyal to...but YOU better not".

 

I can see how this can be mistaken for an attack. Even though you may be doing nothing of the sort.

 

You never say anything too neg. about a persons spouse, their dog, their horse, or their kids....... and not expect them to snap at you.

 

Tell a mother her kid is kinda stupid. I dare ya! :lmao: Most likely your head will be torn from your neck in seconds.

[a4a]

 

but if she is always so quick to bring something to his attention each and every time something comes up, then he will never be able to learn how to think/do/see things for himself.

 

 

ah hah!

 

key word here is himself. It is no longer just himself it is US. So no he is not accustomed to thinking in WE or US terms. He is learning though rapidly.

[amaysngrace]

And it takes one hell of a man to say thank you for showing me something I was not aware of. And he did thank me.

 

 

That's because he appreciates you. There's no resentment whatsoever.

 

Maybe he saw the problem but was too close to it to truly see it. Ya know? It happens. So it takes you, who is less involved, to see it from a different perspective. And offer your input.

 

It must have sounded good to him or else he wouldn't have done it.

 

I always appreciate when my BF offers me insight into myself. Except for that last thing when he told me to get a job. But I find it sweet of him to take the time to truly get to know me.

 

I think in relationships someone has to be the aggressor and someone has to be passive on certain aspects. But if your husband was too passive for his own good, then it's really terrific that you helped him find the aggression he needed in the work situation.

 

You pull from one another's strengths. And I think that's to be admired.