Online dating profile -- should I be worried?

[QWERTY]

Hi,

 

I've been with my girlfriend for 5 months. We get along fantastically, and we've both been planning to be together long-term.

 

However, the relationship started out on a bad note. She had been involved with a married man before me, and her marriage ended because of this affair. In her defence, she didn't have sex with the married man while she was married (but was emotionally cheating with him), and was desperate to get out of her marriage because it was abusive but was terrified of being alone. I think she has what they call a "love addiction" -- she feels worthless unless she's in a relationship -- so couldn't just end her marriage without having someone else waiting in the wings.

 

Anyway, I found out that she had lied about the affair with the married man -- she told me it happened after her marriage had ended, and that it only lasted a couple of months. But in fact, she had been with this married guy for six months, right up until we started going out. When I found out, she told me she lied because she was worried that I wouldn't respect her any more -- and I admit I did lose a lot of respect for her after hearing it.

 

Since finding out, I've had a hard time trusting her. I've been cheated on before, and don't want it to happen again. She's said the affair with the married man was a mistake and she wished it never happened, and she's currently going to therapy to resolve some of her issues.

 

But after I found out that she lied about the married man, I went searching and found out she has two online dating profiles up and running. She set these up while she was with the married man (because she knew that it was a very unhealthy relationship, but again was afraid to just end it because she can't be alone). I've been checking them periodically to see if she's signed on to them, and she hasn't at all since we started going out. But I do know she gets regular e-mail reminders from one of them (I saw it accidentally when she was checking her e-mail one day), so she hasn't just forgotten about them.

 

I was coming to terms with her leaving the profiles online -- if she wasn't using them, what was the harm? But I was still having trouble trusting her. So I decided to set up a fake profile that would appeal to her, and sent her a smile to see what she would do. Well she didn't respond to the smile, but my account shows me that she looked at my profile after receiving the smile.

 

I was hoping she would either ignore the smile altogether, or smile back and then I would know she's not trustworthy. But I'm not sure what I should do because she just looked at my profile. The profile is definitely one that would appeal to her, enough so that if she was actively looking to cheat I'm pretty sure she would have responded.

 

My thinking is that if she's in a committed relationship with me she shouldn't even have the profile up at all, let alone be looking at the profiles of people who wink at her. I certainly wouldn't do that to her. But am I just being paranoid?

 

I can't decide if I should just ignore it, if I should tell her that I was the one who sent her a smile and ask her why she looked at it, or if I should keep trying to test her to see if she can be trusted. I would absolutely hate to break up with her if I was just overreacting (we really are fantastic together), but I would also hate to just try and ignore this if it's a sign that she can't be trusted. And I'm worried that if I tell her that it was my profile, and we do stay together, that she'll just find new and inventive ways to cheat if that's what she really wants to do. I just don't know what to do.

 

Any advice would be appreciated.

[Bryanp]

There are so many red flags here that it is too many to count. The chances are great that if you stay in this relationship you will have your heart broken. She has a great deal of baggage and has no problem lying and cheating in her marriage and having an affair with a married man. She also has no problems with lying to you about the timelines involved. You seem to buy into all of her rationalizations for being a liar and a cheater. You need to open your eyes and see the type of person you are involved with. You are making a huge mistake.

[melodymatters]

I don't believe in " tests".

 

If she left the profiles up but didn't check them, perhaps she forgot about them, forgot her password to the site to delete them ( I'm always forgetting passwords) or really didn't give any of it a second thought because she was HAPPY, with YOU !!

 

I had to REMIND my last bf that he still had a profile up and to please delete it out of respect to me.

 

The fact that she looked at the " Prince charming" profile you made up and DID NOT respond, tells you more than any of the rest of it.

 

If she was in an abusive relationship and had an emotional affair, thats kind of like a friend. It's not ok if you are in a working marraige, but if it helped her get out ( and it's HARD) then it sounds like she was just using him for support and validation. Abusive relationships, make you feel like you're crap and no one else would ever want you.

 

None of this sounds HORRIBLE to me, especially the fact that she is going to therapy is encouraging.

 

Personally I wouldn't over react, and in the future : TALK, don't test.

[QWERTY]

Wow... two very different points of view. And your two opinions match the opinions that I've bounce back and forth between. One moment I tell myself that it really isn't that big a deal, and then the next I think that I'm being a fool for ignoring so many red flags.

 

Melodymatters... you're right about why she had this relationship, and I agree with you about the affect that having an abusive marriage has on a person. So I understand why the affair with the married man happened, but at the same time can't completely ignore the fact that she was willing to cheat before (they did kiss while she was still married), and that it could happen again with us.

 

Because I have a history of being cheated on, I guess I've now built up cheating to be the worst possible thing that someone could do to me. I'm trying to get past that, but it's hard.

 

One question Melodymatters -- you suggested I should just talk to her instead of trying to trap her. How do you talk to your partner about you being worried that she might cheat on you? If she would never cheat, she'll say "I will never do that to you." If she is willing (or even looking) to cheat, she'll say "I will never do that to you." How do you tell the person that you're in a relationship that you're not sure you can trust them, without either grossly hurting/offending them (if they aren't going to cheat on you) or making them even more careful in hiding their tracks (if they are open to cheating)?

[Spectre]

See, the flaw in what melody matters said is she suggested your gf simply forgot about the online profiles. This contradicts the OP saying that his gf gets regular reminders.

 

Im sorry but, why would she leave up her profiles? there is no excuse, we know she didnt forget.

 

It sounds like she leaves them up to have a backup guy in case this fails perhaps? Still, the fact that she does not take them down is a bad sign.

 

Also, while abusive relationships suck, it still is no right to cheat. If this guy she cheated with was just to help her get out of this abusive relationship, why keep seeing him until before you guys got together? it sounds like she went right from him to you, and thats a bad sign.

 

The bottom line is we know she is fully aware of these profiles still being up, and at least checks out other invites she gets from other guys.

 

A good gf wouldnt have these up, a good gf wouldnt even bother checking the smile sent to her by another man. Shes a liar and a cheater, and one of those girls that always needs the affection of another man, where I come from we call those attention whores.

 

I'd say send her more than a smile, send her an invite to chat or an email asking about her.

 

Or better yet, send her something asking if she is in a serious relationship. If she agrees to chat with you, or denies being in a serious relationship, leave her ass.

 

Even if she doesnt, the fact that she is aware of these profiles but wont take them down is still a bad sign. What is the point of bringing that up to her tho? She's lied to you before, she will do it again if she has to. You hit the nail on the head as well, if you make her aware that you know, it will only cause her to step up her game of covering her tracks.

 

Honestly, I'd use this to your advantage. I dont think normally testing is right, but with her past, you have every damn right to do this. Not only is she a former cheater, but shes lied to you. You have every right to preserve your heart if need be. She may find it sneaky, but its sneaky to have online dating profiles up as well.

[QWERTY]

Well, I was talking to her last night, and she let slip that the affair with the married man she had was more than just emotional. She says they just kissed (several times), and when I asked her if they had had sex while she was still married she said no, but there are several things she's said to me that suggest that she did actually have sex with him while she was married.

 

On the one hand, this doesn't matter to me -- cheating is cheating, regardless of whether it is emotional or physical. But the fact that she is still lying to me has made me realize that I can't trust her. I've only caught her in lies about her past so far, but I have no reason to believe that she's not also lying about stuff in our relationship too.

 

And Spectre, I think you're right -- she's keeping the online profiles up as a back-up, in case she and I don't work out. She knows she can't be alone, and because of the lies she's told me she knows that I could decide to end it with her at any time. So she's keeping a back-up, because if I do break up with her she knows she'll have to find a new man quickly.

 

I thought I'd be more upset about this, but actually I mainly just feel relief. I've been fighting with myself for four months now, trying to convince myself that it was my insecurities and not my instincts that were telling me not to trust her. I was trying to force myself to trust her, when deep down I knew I couldn't. I see now that my instincts were right all along, and that I should have listened to them.

 

And so it is... thank you everyone for your advice, because you've helped me to realize that this is a dead-end relationship much sooner than I would have otherwise. And because I keep ending up with the same type of woman, I realize I am going to have to resolve some of my own issues if I ever hope to be in a healthy relationship. It's going to be a lot of work, but the good news is that I think I may have finally learned my lesson.

[RecordProducer]

All I have in mind is to calm you down. I don't see any red flags on your GF's part. She made a mistake with the abusive husband, she needed a man to feel like a woman again. So she found this married man who gave her emotional content and ego boost temporarily. She has no intention to cheat on you (she might have automatically clicked on the link of your fake profile that was sent to her or just out of boredom). She doesn't seem interested in meeting someone else.

 

I think you should drop this and concentrate on your relationship and evaluate the quality of it rather than set yourself up for pain and some self-fulfilling prophecy. Your trust issues and baggage from the past shouldn't projected on all your relationships in the future.

 

If you had a different woman in mind - a perfect one - then you will never find her. because if she is perfect, then she makes perfect choices and she is already married to someone else.

 

Sometimes we should just stop for a second and ask ourselves: what more do we want?

[norajane]

But the fact that she is still lying to me has made me realize that I can't trust her. I've only caught her in lies about her past so far, but I have no reason to believe that she's not also lying about stuff in our relationship too.

 

This is the biggest red flad to me. You keep finding out more and more stuff that she lied about in her past. She probably lied to make herself look better than she was...she doesn't want to come out and tell you the full truth because she's afraid that you'll think less of her and maybe wouldn't have gone out with her in the first place had you known.

 

You need to talk to her about the lying. Tell her that you'd rather know the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, because her lying makes you uneasy about your relationship. Tell her that you can deal with her past, whatever it is, but you can't deal with wondering if she's always going to be lying to you about something.

[QWERTY]

So, the opinions so far seem pretty evenly split -- the women seem to think I should stay, and the men seem to think I should run for my life. It's funny -- I talked to a female friend about this and she said I should stay, and if she had told me the same story I would have told her to run... I guess men and women really are from different planets.

 

The problem I'm having isn't that she had an affair on her husband -- it's that she's lied to me so much. After last night, it feels like my trust in her is completely gone. I've spent the day wondering what else she's lied to me about, and thinking that I'll never be able to trust anything she says again. And for the record, her affair with the married man lasted for six months, right up until she met me.

 

And yes, my feelings about this are a result of my baggage from past relationships, because I've been lied to and cheated on before. So let's just say I'm not really excited by the idea of that happening again. It's like the saying goes: "Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it." There are enough signs that she is willing to lie and maybe even to cheat on me, so if it does happen I'll have no one to blame for the heartbreak and therapy bills but myself.

 

But I've decided to go to counselling before deciding one way or the other about the relationship. If nothing else, it will help me to resolve some of my issues. And I will talk to her about the lying, but last night she claimed that she didn't lie about the kissing and that it was just because she can't remember what happened clearly. Not being able to remember things is a form of denial (I looked it up), and she's got denial in spades, but it also makes for a very convenient out if she doesn't want to admit the truth about something.

 

So I guess my ultimate question is -- at what point do I start doing what is best for me? While I've enjoyed parts of our relationship very much, it's also been by far the hardest and most anxiety-causing relationship I've ever been in. If I don't feel I can trust her, why should I be in a relationship with her? I do understand why she cheated and why she's lying to me about it, but just because you understand a person's behaviour doesn't mean you should accept it. Especially if you're terrified that it's going to happen to you too.

[RecordProducer]

So I guess my ultimate question is -- at what point do I start doing what is best for me? While I've enjoyed parts of our relationship very much, it's also been by far the hardest and most anxiety-causing relationship I've ever been in. If I don't feel I can trust her, why should I be in a relationship with her? I do understand why she cheated and why she's lying to me about it, but just because you understand a person's behaviour doesn't mean you should accept it. Especially if you're terrified that it's going to happen to you too.

If you want to identify her past with her present then we should assume that you will also become abusive like her husband, the one she cheated on?

 

I don't see any signs that her behavior will repeat other than this. And this, only YOU know. I cheated on my first BF because he wasn't hiding the fact that he didn't love me at all. My ex-husband was leaving me after every argument and in one of those separations, which last for a couple months, I slept with someone else. The ex and I reconciled after me begging him many times and I felt guilty for "cheating on him."

 

My current husband - I can't possibly imagine cheating on. And he trusts me fully. I trust him, too, although his ex cheated on him.

 

Different situations make people act differently. Instead of digging into the past and judging her, instead of predicting future behavior, concentrate on the present and how she acts with YOU. If you want to keep her, make her happy and she will never leave you for another man or cheat on you. If you can't make her happy then your fears ARE justified, but you shouldn't blame HER for that.

[InLimbo2]

I have to play devil's advocate here a bit. I used to online date quite a bit - had accounts on lots of services. I've been in an exclusive monogamous relationship for 6 months now - and very happy. I *still* get reminders from the services - 3x a week - my 'matches'. I keep tryin to turn the damn things off - but doesn't work - so I get the notices non-stop. It just got to be such a PITA I ignore them. My eyes don't even really register them in my inbox - they just get ignored like spam. Now - to be honest - if I got notice of a smile or wink or mail - I *might* go check it out - just outta curiosity. But - also - knowing me - I'd probably also send an email to the person saying - "sorry, off the market" - but that's just me. If she's truly been in an abusive relationship that killed her self-esteem - the lil ego boosts of a wink might be just that.

 

The 'she can't be alone" is a way bigger red flag to me.

[RecordProducer]

The 'she can't be alone" is a way bigger red flag to me.

Who said she can't be alone? Do we have to make an artificial break between two relationships? We just have to withdraw and sit alone at home or reject potential lovers for a while so we can prove that we can be alone? When somebody gets out of a bad relationship, they are eager to feel loved and happy again. I was single for a couple years after my divorce; does that say that I CAN be alone? I didn't want to be and I wasn't alone by my choice. I just couldn't find anyone normal. When the heart is free from love for the previous partner, it's ready to love another. It's actually a good sign in most cases.

 

I think it's a huge red flag that he has a good relationship and digs things from the past such as "she can't be alone" or insignificant things like she looked at somebody's profile to find an excuse to dump her. To criticize her is one thing, but he just wants to ditch her altogether. They've just been together for 5 months! Instead of building something good, he is trying to ruin the good and find something bad. That is alarming in my book!

[InLimbo2]

He said it about her - multiple times - and face it, he knows her a lot better than any of us do.

 

I understand what you're saying - about is there a need to create an artificial break between relationships. But it's equally true that there are a great many people who can't leave one relationship unless they have a 'lifeboat' relationship waiting for them - they can't tolerate being alone. The fact that she left a very serious, long term, and damaging relationship lends credence to that.

 

I've always known that - but experienced it first hand with my last boyfriend - I met him 4 months after his wife left him - I was his first gf after the split - he had the next one lined up before we split - she didn't last long - and he jumped back to me - the back to her - then finally to yet another woman - he was with one on Christmas Day and the current one on New Year's. He and I were together almost 2 years - and we went for counseling together - the counselor held some solo sessions with him too - and she told him he needed to take some time and be alone - not with me or anyone - and process and deal with the end of his marriage before he was ready for another relationship. He didn't - he bounced back and forth and from one relationship to the next - rushin the current one - and everyone sees signs of that one possibly cracking now - shame, she's a really nice woman.

[QWERTY]

Thank you RecordProducer -- I appreciate you giving me a kick in the butt. You sound like my rationale mind -- telling me it's a not a big deal and to just get over it. If only my irrationale mind would just shut up and listen...

 

I just spend another great weekend with her, which is the pattern for us. I'm happy when I'm with her, and then when I'm not I start thinking about all of this crap.

 

I thought I'd fill in a few details which may help explain why I'm feeling so uneasy about the whole relationship.

 

First, she tried to end it with the married guy when she started seeing me, but I found out a couple of months ago that she was still talking to him for a month or so after we started going out. She told me they didn't have sex with him after we started going out, but when I found out last week that she was almost definitely having sex with the married guy while still with her husband (and was lying to me about that), it got me thinking that maybe she lied to me about having sex with him while she was with me. Hell, she could still be having sex with him now... although I do kind of doubt that because she seems so ashamed of her relationship with him.

 

As for her not being able to be alone... I'm pretty sure she has what psychologists call a love addiction. Here are some of the symptoms:

 

*Consuming or obsessive thoughts of the object of your love

*Avoidance of the loss of this love

*Seeking to avoid rejection or abandonment at all cost

*Extreme dependency on this love

*Sense of worthlessness without a relationship or partner

*Feelings of not being whole outside of a relationship

*Extremely accepting of abuse, often putting rational explanations to irrational treatment from another

 

She's told me that she was basically addicted to the married man, and couldn't end the relationship even when she knew it was hurting her. And there are definitely signs of the above in our relationship too -- she says she thinks about me all the time when we're not together, that she misses me all the time, etc. There were signs of this with her husband too -- she didn't even realize it was abusive until after the marriage ended, and she thought she was happy with him until the affair.

 

Now I am very careful to make sure that nothing I say or do is hurtful to her. I support her, I encourage her, I compliment her, I treat her with respect, I never get angry, I never try to control what she says or does, etc. I treat her like gold, and I know she appreciates that.

 

But people who get addicted to love are damaged, and look to others to make them feel whole. But when they realize the other person is no longer making them feel happy, they move onto someone else and try again. A lot of times those relationships are abusive, but that's not what drives the person to leave the relationship -- it's because they no longer feel whole.

 

And that's a big part of the reason why this relationship is so hard for me. No matter how well I treat her, there very likely may come a day when my love isn't enough to make her feel whole any more. And then what's going to happen?

 

I understand why she cheated on her husband, and I don't hold that against her. It's the lying that scares me, because it makes me think that she's not going to be honest if she does start feeling unhappy with me. And in the last couple of weeks I've noticed a little less warmth from her when we talk on the phone, although she's been under a lot of stress so I'm not sure if it has anything to do with me or not. So I guess I'm looking for signs that I'm no longer enough to make her happy and that she's looking for someone else. And I was taking the online profiles as a sign of that.

 

But I guess the bottom line is there's always a chance of cheating in any relationship. And I need to get over this overwhelming fear I now have of being cheated on. The real problem I have is with me, not with her. So that's why I'm going to start going to counselling.

 

But I'm still left wondering if this is the relationship for me. Yes, there's always a chance of cheating in any relationship, but I feel the chances are higher with this woman. Is that enough reason to end a relationship?

[Trialbyfire]

I'll just add that if the profiles can't be turned off (which I find hard to believe because you can delete your profile completely in most services) the reminders can be turned off by doing one of the following:

 

- changing your email address and not going back to that one;

- setting up your wizard so that it automatically considers the reminders to be spam, auto-routing to your trash or spam box.

 

Sorry but sometimes serial cheaters are just biding their time, waiting for a moment of their own insecurity and then looking for a fix.

[QWERTY]

Tried to edit my last post to add this but wasn't able to so here it is:

 

She's also had at least one other affair during her marriage that I know of, and tried to end the marriage to be with the other man then too (again at a time when she thought she was happy in her marriage). She's also told me that she felt trapped in her marriage because she had two children and no job, and that she probably would have left it a lot sooner if that hadn't been the case.

[QWERTY]

Hi,

 

I asked this question before and didn't get a response so thought I'd try again:

 

If you're with someone who seems fantastic but who has a higher than average risk of cheating (because they have a history of cheating), and you're very afraid of being cheated on (because you've been cheated on before), should you end the relationship or stick it out?

 

Any opinions would be appreciated.

[SueBee3490]

Well here's my 2 cents on this....

 

If I found out the person I was dating had cheated on someone else before me, I would end our relationship.

 

I was deeply hurt by my H cheating on me and I just wouldn't even put myself through the "possibility" of another one cheating on me. I guess part of my insecurity is that we had, what I would call, a great relationship. He lied through his teeth to me and I didn't suspect he was cheating. This has been 4 years since I found out and it's been a nightmare for me so if I found out a prospective bf had cheated previously (and I don't care whatever reasons he gives me for doing it), then I'd call it quits.

[RecordProducer]

Hi,

 

I asked this question before and didn't get a response so thought I'd try again:

 

If you're with someone who seems fantastic but who has a higher than average risk of cheating (because they have a history of cheating), and you're very afraid of being cheated on (because you've been cheated on before), should you end the relationship or stick it out?

 

Any opinions would be appreciated.

Interesting question. I've always dated faithful guys. I have a good nose for them. It's not a matter of luck. I can just smell a tricky guy. I've rejected guys after the first date only because they seemed like I couldn't fully trust them. I know if I can't trust them, I don't want to be with them. And if I trust somebody, it means he is faithful. I don't know why, but I trust my intuition.

 

There are signs that give people away. You only have to pay attention to them. When people get comfortable, they reveal their true colors. A friend of mine told me: "Cheating is not a matter of love or lack therof; it's a matter of a moment, good wine..." I bet you, if she is married now, she isn't faithful. With such an attitude, you're not a loyal person in your nature.

 

You can't know the future, but you can make people open up and show you the contents of their minds and hearts. Then you will know if they are able or prone to cheating. If someone has a history of infidelity, you need to know the circumstances and motives. Was it because the spouse was not good in bed? Because they argued a lot? Did they hide and lie?

 

Inmy case, I cheated on a boyfriend who was using me for sex for a couple years and I was a minor, then he wanted to use me for my ex-step-father's money; this BF was a complete jerk and ass, but I didn't know any better cuz I was young. And he didn't love me.

 

I slept with someone else when my ex0hsuabdn left me and our babies for the nth time and had no intention to come back whatsoever. I felt like a cheater, but was I really? He left me, we were separated and a couple months later I persuaded him to get back together. I don't think I cheated.

 

And I can tell you, if I would be in a relationship with someone I am not in love with (which is nowadays called "not being exclusive") I wouldn't have a problem with sleeping with someone else. If I don't love somebody, I don't care. And as far as STDs... hey, I don't want to get them myself!

 

So I do have a history of cheating, but I can claim with certainty that if I love my partner and intend to stay with him forever and things are good between us (arguments don't count until people actually separate), I am 100% faithful.

[Guest]

Is this the only girl you can find happiness with?

 

Your girl has very low self-esteem. That means that if you treat her nice, she will get bored and begin to stray.