rushed, got scared, now what?

[taylor22]

Dear LoveShack,

I'm 22. My ex-boyfriend is 26. We were in a 5-month relationship. He told me he loved me and thought he had found the girl he wanted to marry. I told him I loved him, too, (which I do) and gave him my heart. We got very close emotionally but did not rush into a physical relationship. He started talking about the future and told me he wanted to get engaged. Two days later he called and broke up with me over the phone with no explanation.

 

A month later he sent me an e-mail telling me he got scared, that he rushed things, and that he felt pressured (even though he was the one who pushed the idea of getting married). He told me he had been in a previous, long-term relationship that got very serious but failed. He told me he didn't think he was "good enough" for me and that he would "let me down." He told me I should date other guys so that I could "forget" about him. I sent an e-mail back telling him I loved him, that I just wanted to date him, and that I wasn't interested in any other guys. He didn't reply back.

 

A month later he sent me another e-mail telling me how much he loves me and can't stop thinking about me. I called him but he didn't return my call.

 

Since then I have tried to move on with my life. I have stayed very busy with my friends, my activities, and my new career. I have had several guys interested in me and have gone out just to stay busy, but I can't see past my ex-boyfriend. No one compares. I love him with all my heart and I miss "us."

 

Last month he saw me out with another guy (just a friend) two times. He sent me another e-mail saying, "It upsets me to see you with him even though I know it's none of my business anymore." I didn't respond back.

His friends have told me he isn't seeing anyone new - just hanging out with the guys. They said he is keeping tabs on me and that he was very upset when he saw me with someone else. But it's like he doesn't want to date me but doesn't want anyone else to date me either. It's been four months.

 

Last weekend I ran into him while I was out with some of my girlfriends. He approached me and told me how he drives by my place all the time, looks for my car, and can't stop thinking about me. He asked what I've been doing lately. We talked about 5 minutes and then we went separate ways with our friends.

 

The next day he called and left a message saying he wants to talk to me to "clear up some misunderstandings" and because he "has some questions to ask me."

 

I love him but he has me so confused. I don't know whether to call him back or not. I feel like we are playing some cat and mouse game. I feel like I am on an emotional rollercoaster. I feel very worn down, physically and emotionally.

 

I keep telling myself don't call him back - let him think I have moved on. But then there is a part of me that says I should call back because if I don't I will regret it and always wonder what he wanted to say.

Is it time to get off the rollercoaster? Is it time to shut the door? My head says yes but my heart says no.

 

Your opinions on this whole matter would be greatly appreciated. Thanks

[daphne]

Sweetie,

 

Your ex is unfortunately pulling the string along game. He wants to keep tabs on you so he can know that no one else has you but he's not going to keep you either. He just wants to talk so maybe you can stay friends and he can continue you to string you along. It's not a noble thing but no one will admit when they do this. It's a selfish way to reassure the person who was the dumper that the dumpee isn't having a great life without them and they made the right decision.

 

If he really wanted you back he wouldn't be playing these stupid games. He'd come out and say he made a mistake nad wants you back. It sounds like he's been honest enough in the past to be man enough to say he wants you back. He's not saying it. Don't call him back. The only way he's going to realize you're gone is when you stop letting him back in, even if casually.

 

I know this may not be easy to hear, but I've been there and I wish I had never given my ex another chance to string me along. It hurt the worst when he did it the last time.

[taylor]

Daphne - Thanks for your thoughtful reply and the dose of reality. It's funny - the first thing he said when he started his "break-up speech" to me 5 months ago was, "I don't want to string you along." And then he proceeded to do just that.

Since the break-up, I assumed he was sending me "mixed messages" because he was in some kind of emotional turmoil about "us" and about his ability to be successful at a relationship. I assumed this because when he broke up with me he said, "I'm afraid if I stay with you I will ruin you. All of my relationships fail. I can't get it right. I let down every girl I'm with. I don't want to do that to you."

I just thought he broke up with me because he was afraid of getting hurt again if we got more involved and then the relationship ended. I thought if I gave him time and space he would realize he was more afraid of losing me than he was of getting hurt and would build up enough courage to pursue the relationship. I guess that wasn't the case at all.

I realize now he's not in any kind of emotional turmoil. He's just been stringing me along for months, with not one thought of having any kind of relationship with me. Why? Here is a piece of information I didn't give you in my first post. It shows you just how right you are, Daphne, and how blind I have been: His old girlfriend came back home for summer vacation a couple of weeks before we broke up. It's just a hunch - he would never admit it - but I think now the real reason he dumped me was to see what his chances would be in getting her back, even though she already has a boyfriend and even though he assured me early on he had no feelings left for her. I don't know how much chasing he might have done, but it didn't work. I heard she left town again at the end of the summer with her boyfriend.

I just don't understand how he and I could have gotten so close, to the point of talking about getting engaged, if he still had feelings for her. And I don't understand why he doesn't want to see me move on to a better life - after all, he dumped me, I didn't dump him. What difference should it make if I see other guys? In fact, he's the one that encouraged me to do so several times. And I certainly wouldn't mind if a boyfriend I threw away moved on and found someone else. So why should it matter to him now? Why doesn't he want to see me happy? I did nothing to make him bitter or resentful. We never even had an argument in 5 months!

Just a couple more questions, please:

1) Was I a rebound for him - 2 years out of a relationship? He said "No way."

2) I didn't call him or e-mail him and I don't plan on it. I love him, I long for him, but I know I can't trust him. My heart can't take another blow. But I did get another e-mail from him today, asking me to contact him. He said HE needs closure. Is he trying to contact me because things didn't work out with the old girlfriend...Since when does the dumper need closure? Taylor