can't forget the past and its kinda killing me. this is a bit dark

[kivan3]

hello. hm. well I suppose I'll start withmy problem. and go straight into it. thanks for reading in advance. A bit heavy this..

 

well, basically, I can't forget my girlfriend's sexual past, and I can't handle it, and I can't finish with her. Before we met, she'd split up from a very long term relationship, her first and then only, then came over to my country, was in a terrible state, didn't 'care about anything' and a horrid sequence of events there followed. I wish to God she didn't tell me all the details. She was drinking a lot. She had sex with a stranger in a club whose name she didn't get to know. She was raped once, possibly twice. She slept with two guys in one night, but can't remember it, very drunk. it was more likely rape again. and a couple of other one night stands.

 

Then she met me. Her actions then do not reflect the person she is. I can understand this. But I can't forget it. I have continual nightmares. I can't forgive the times she was so stupid. I can't forget the times she was abused. I have deep deep hatred towards those who took advantage of a lost, deeply unhappy foreign girl, who just needed help. but isn't that what bad men do?

 

We've been together, a tumultuous 6 years. Off and on. We keep coming back. She is such a sweet, lovely person, and we are utterly compatible. I am better now at not showing my feelings and making her feel bad and bringing up what happened. But it remains trapped, and I can't sleep, and am deeply unhappy, my only respite being occasionally lost in her. And of course there's no one I can talk to about this, as all our friends are mutual, and anyway, its not right to. Hence this impersonal personal digital version.

 

I have always been someone who has lived in a fairy tale world. I like sex as much as anyone, but have always been so obsessed by the concept of Love that have never and could never have sex with just anyone, just the few I have loved. I wish now I had been more carefree in my past.

 

I don't ever want to be judgmental, as I know I sound, and have tried so very hard to see things in perspective, and to try and put things in the past. But here I am, 4:40am, writing this. Six years on. I want to finish it in a way, but every time we've split up, we find our way back to each other. And she loves me so much, it kills her when we do finish, and of course I'm worried about what she'll do if I do it again.. permanently,a s the 'next time' will be. Of course I love her, but all this $h!t suppresses my feelings and ability to be the loving person I know I can be. It doesn't and has kinda never felt like I am In Love, with all the happiness that is supposed to come with that, as these problems have been there from day one.

 

Ah, sorry for going on. And thank you for reading/listening. And sorry for the heaviness

 

Whack! the ball's in your court now, reader... er.. What should I do ?

[princessa]

Well I really don't know what to tell you about this.. but since nobody else has replied I'll give my opinion..... You know I think that ultimately the mistakes she made in the past were a lack of judgment on her part, and you know that. Perhaps you haven't forgiven her for her past as much as you would like to think. And WHY in the hell did she have to tell you all the details? I personally think that the intimate details of one's sexual past should be kept private, and only the necessariy info that can potentially affect your new partner should be revealed. Of course you're gonna have nightmares after your gf gives you in-depth descriptions... Even I would be upset if my guy started telling me the detailes of his sex adventures with his ex.. I DONT need to know that!

 

But seriously, what's the real reason why you're not sleeping at night? You say you love her now and it's been 6 years. Do you doubt her or her future actions based on the past? Do you not think she has completely changed?

 

We all make mistakes in when we're young you know, you gotta look at the future and take her for the person she is now. For if it wasn't for her past she wouldn't have been that wonderful person you know now.

 

I seriously don't know what to advise you... I think you really need to do further soul-searching and ask yourself the REAL reason why her past is bothering you... If anything, keep writing here, it will get your thinking process going, and maybe you'll get some random comments that might make you see your situation in a different light...

[norajane]

I wish now I had been more carefree in my past.

I'm sorry to pick this one statement out of your whole post, but I think it's very telling. Are you jealous that you didn't f*ck around as much as she did for that short time?

 

I would suggest counseling for both of you, and individually. If she hasn't gone to counseling for the rapes and abuse, she really should. That kind of thing can mess you up psychologically, make you feel like you don't deserve to be loved, and all kinds of other self-esteem "victim" issues can eat away at you.

 

You should go to counseling together so that you can communicate openly about this and learn how to get through it.

 

And you should go to a therapist individually to help you deal with your own issues - I go back to the "carefree" statement. If the jealousy is eating you alive, this relationship isn't good for you. 6 years is a long time for you to have not gotten over her part in her behavior. It sounds like it's more about YOU now, than what SHE did 6 years ago.

[IpAncA]

I'm not really sure what to tell you. Everyone has a past and sometimes you just have to move on and forget about it. I've done some dumb stuff in my days too but you learn from it and move on.

 

IMO you should stop dwelling on it and taking is so personal. She's with you now and this is a perfect example as to why people should not tell their SO their sexual past.

 

You really can't let this go? Has she let this go or is this just you?

[kivan3]

....

 

ahuurrh. what to say? I get what you're both saying, and really thanks for your time thinking about it.

 

What bothers me so much? I can get two people meeting in a bar, getting on, and er getting it on. But not knowing someone's name and f ing them.. f ing two guys.. that stuff still totally messes with my head.. ahh I know these things happen, but it just seems so horrific and coarse to me. how can I forget/forgive?

 

Astute of you N-J to pick up on that sentence, I don't know. yeh I guess I kinda wish I did f around more.. took up some of the casual opportunities that I didn't.. maybe these things wouldn't seem so horrible to me. I've only had sex with people I really loved ahem or at least liked a lot. though I'm not sure its jealousy as such. well yeah a word similar maybe.

 

You're both right again, and actually she's a very well balanced lady and has been able to put her past behind her, her only issue really is.. well, me going on about it, and my pain.

 

it keeps me awake because it seems so ghastly, of course because of the excess of details given merged with my vivid imagination, and the bits I don't know about I obssess over, forever arguing in my head what was her fault, what wasn't, did she do this , did they do that. etc, etc,. etc.

 

ah i'm old fashioned in some ways, to be honest, when it comes down to it, I know me, and if we were to finish, I don't think I would or could 'f around'. I guess that is what it comes down to, is that I just can't abide meaningless love less animal sex. And as I've spent my whole life waiting for Love, its just really difficult for me accept the lack of faith and patience and well, Love, when I guess, in spite of how good things can be between us, these are the things subconsciously that I want in a partner.. my stupid fairy tale life . I know I sound like a predictably petty jealous idiot ba$tard.

 

ah I really don't know what I'm saying. My head is a mess. I'm not sure counselling is the right thing, I don't want to put her through that, and Lord knows we've been over the same old sh*t over and over again. oh I don't know.

 

sorry thanks

[princessa]

It's only normal to compare ourselves with our partners.. My experience for example.. before I met my guy I was all for casual sex, I've had a couple of casual encounters before I realized that it wasn't really my thing.. And since I met him I wish I didn't do these things because he's shown me better... But I also know that I had my reasons for behaving the way I did in the past.. The point is that whatever you do at a given point in time, you have your reasons to do it... Only you know what feels right to you at any point in your life.. And if you've always been the type to value meaningful sex, then more power to you. You obviously don't like screwing around, so don't try to be somebody you're not just because you want to be at the same level as your girlfriend.

 

it keeps me awake because it seems so ghastly, of course because of the excess of details given merged with my vivid imagination, and the bits I don't know about I obssess over, forever arguing in my head what was her fault, what wasn't, did she do this , did they do that. etc, etc,. etc.

 

So WHY exactly did she give you all the details? Did you demand them? What was the point?

 

And as I've spent my whole life waiting for Love, its just really difficult for me accept the lack of faith and patience and well, Love, when I guess, in spite of how good things can be between us, these are the things subconsciously that I want in a partner..

 

To me that says, you're doubting her faith in you based on her past and based on how she has viewed sex vs. love in the past. From that one sentence I'd say you don't look like you fully trust your relationship because of those things that she did in her past and you're scared that she will do it again to you. Well it's been 6 years... Has she been unfaithful? If not, doesn't that speak for the strength of the relationship and that the changes in her are definitive?

[lighthouse]

Guest -

I think I may not have understood your post correctly so if this is way off then please forgive me.

It sounds like you are upset that she was raped which is fair enough and you are also upset that she chose to have sexual relations with people she didn't know very well.

I guess my question is this: are you blaming her for being raped? or do you not really believe she was raped?

I guess I am a little confused by that.

lighthouse

[shoedevil]

I don't know. yeh I guess I kinda wish I did f around more.. took up some of the casual opportunities that I didn't.. maybe these things wouldn't seem so horrible to me. I've only had sex with people I really loved ahem or at least liked a lot.

So you went through life following one standard, and now you wish you hadn't? Do you really feel bad about keeping sex within a committed relationship? I don't think that's something to regret, just because your girlfriend hasn't done the same. Plenty of women feel the same way you do (or did?), and would feel very special being with a guy like you. The real question I think is... what kind of relationship do you want today? And then... is your current girlfriend the ideal candidate? Just something to think about...

[Walk]

I can't forgive the times she was so stupid.

 

You can't forgive her for being stupid? Interesting choice of words you used.

 

I'm guessing from what you posted about her past, that at the time she had very little (or no) respect for herself. Her actions seem to suggest that she was very self-destructive, high probability of depression and a desire to cause herself harm. I would assume her self-esteem was/is incredibly low and she was desperate for attention.. even if it was negative attention.

 

Her past actions weren't about sex, love, or pleasure. I would bet money on the fact that it was more about punishment, escapism, and incredibly low-self esteem. She put herself in situations where very bad things would happen to her. And I'd bet money on the fact that she didn't care at the time whether she lived through it or not....

 

I think you're looking at it as though she were doing something that she enjoyed. For example, your comment about wishing you had been more carefree in your past. I wonder if that is why you are obsessed with her past. A combination of disgust over her past behavior, fear that you won't ever measure up to her sexual history, and fear that you won't be enough for her... That you are found lacking in her eyes because in her past it took all those men, and you're just one guy.

 

I also think that's part of the reason you were bringing up her past and making her feel bad about it. A subconcious desire to feel bigger by making her past seem like it was less. I don't think it was a desire to make her feel bad, just to make her past seem less threatening.. the effect was to hurt her though.

 

Some people can't accept a persons past.. I would hope you'd do everythign in your power to understand her and accept her for who she is... But if you can't, then don't judge her for it, just let her find someone who will love her and accept her for who she is.

[norajane]

Maybe then YOU at least should go to some counseling and see if you can get past this. Because again, 6 years is a long time to obssess over it. If you can't find a way to put this behind you (keeping in mind it actually had noting to do with you), then you aren't going to be able to have a loving, trusting relationship with her.

[kivan3]

But all of you are of course completely right.

 

Ipanca, no its just me, she can live with it. Princessa, she told me bits of stuff because it was fairly fresh from when we met, and she wanted to be honest. We had a language barrier problem way back then, so there were lots of misunderstandings. The more of those there were, the more came out to clear things up. Before long, she decided to tell me virtually everything. Ignorance would definitley have been blissful, but nothing can be changed.

 

I'm not worried she'll do it again, I trust her implicitly. I know this makes me sound even stoopider.

 

Lighthouse, well there's a few different situations, some I know she was raped and don't blame her for, what's difficult is the times where she destructively foolishly got herself purposefully into horrid situations. I suppose I 'blame' her for that. God knows the person I used to be a long time ago, would and does hate myself for that. I don't want to blame her, I don't want to judge her. But there is this conc=versation in my head arguing constantly for and against. Believe me all, I have and am trying really hard (too hard?) to be fair, to not do those things, but demons are strong.

 

Shoedevil, I know I say those things, but I know I won't and can't do things that are against my nature. And the real question you cite is definitely the main one... is this where I want to be..?

 

Walk, you'd be right to bet money on what you said in those first two paras. Nail on the head. But I know I am all she wants and believe in that. Like I say, she could be 100% happy were it not for my perspective on things. I suppose I try and make her feel bad because I always do, and sometimes I subconsciously feel the need to bring it up, and hurt her, so its not just me. I know this is pathetic, but please understand I get no respite, and I can't get to sleep, and am often desparately unhappy and exhausted.

 

NoraJane, I know you are right, but I guess there's another set of factors I haven't mentioned.. that of an ongoing depression problem, from my childhood, stemmed I suppose from a longing for love. then followed my first girlfriend who was also raped. I was very young, and it did to my head what this is doing to me now. My second girlfriend was, well I can't put it nicely, err super loose, and had a ridiculous amount of partners (not just silly me, being silly, more than 40 partners before meeting me in her early twenties). I know I'm digging my i-am-judgemental grave here, and the battles to not be have been long ongoing. But I just wanted, oh its silly I know. Of all the troubles and tragedies in the world, here I am moaning about what should be easily put into perspective, and I can't. As aware I am of the meaninglessness of such things in a big infinite world.

 

I've been to various counsellors over the years, and its not ever really helped, though not in the last six years. As focussed as I am on the negatives in this forum, I am balanced in my ability to see things from the other perspective. That's why me and she have lasted so long. And I suppose that battle of opposites is why I'm so exhausted .maybe its time to try a new counsellor again..

 

Anyway, I'd really like to thank you all for your time and care. Your advice is seeping in, and your words are a fresh breath after listening to both sides of the argument in my own head in my own words for six years, without the ability to talk to anyone, or for anything to come out.

 

thanks

kivan

x

 

 

err does my head hurt less or more..? i can't tell yet

[nancyleeh]

kivan,

 

You said that you can not forgive her for her past. Frankly her past is not something the needs forgiving by you. Maybe it's time for you to humble yourself and go to her and tell her you have done a grave injustice to her by bring up her past all the time and ask her for your forgiveness. It seems to me that when you can come from that point of view, you will begin to release not only her but also yourself.

 

It's time to live not in the past but in the present and time for you to look at what you have done to someone you say is a sweet, lovely person, who is utterly compatible with you. You are very fortunate to find such a person. This is who she is today. Maybe if you can find it in yourself to ask for forgiveness from her and apologize to her, your heart will open up and you will begin to live in the now. You owe it to her and to yourself. I wish you well.

 

nancyleeh

[Hitman10000]

Dude, it's simple. If you can't handle her, dump her. More than half of the chicks you will date have been raped or molested at one time or another. That's why they test us to see what we're made out of, they do it out of protection. Even if women act tough or give the appearnce of it, if I were to raise a fist at them, they will cower before the man. And that's that. I know women, my 2younger sisters love busting my balls, but when I raise my voice and look threatening, haha they are like little girlies you can push around.

 

Besides this, see this as a good thing that this female is spilling her guts, it means she trusts you. Well it's not a good thing to hear those things, but it's a good thing she is trying to be honest. I'd rather be with a girl that does that, than be with a girl that just nods and says everything was rosy with the past 3-5 boyfriends (if it was rosy, then she would've stayed!)

[Storyrider]

This may seem a bit critical, and I don't mean it to be, but have you considered maybe you are obsessing about her when the problem is with you? It sounds as if she has moved on from her past. Isn't it a little odd then that you haven't? After six years, you have now worn a deep rut in your brain going over and over this.You keep going back to it for some reason. When your mind wanders, it wanders back to those images you've created in your own imagination based on what she told you. But why?

 

It is a habit, and for some reason you get a payoff from it, or you wouldn't keep doing it.

 

Is it possible that you obsess about her past to keep yourself from taking action in the present? Is there something about yourself you'd rather not think about so you focus on her?

[Walk]

Storyrider makes some good points.

 

Maybe you put some serious effort into not thinking about her past. Every time it pops in there, think of something else. Kind of like cognitive behavior therapy, but only on specific thoughts. Just keep telling yourself that it's in the past, and you have the future to look forward to and then think of something else. The more you do that, the more it'll become like habit, until eventually you'll hardly think of her past at all and if you do you'd be able to push aside the thought without dwelling on it or losing sleep over it.

 

Maybe ever time those thoughts come up think of something wonderful she's done for you. Or those moments during your relationship that were special and concentrate on how much you love your gf for a few minutes without sparing the energy to think about those negative thoughts. Keep replacing them with positives.

 

I'm just throwing out ideas.... but I think it could really work.

[kivan3]

plenty to think about, or to not. You know what I mean. sorry in a rush, will be back to address these new points in a bit. thank you all

 

K