tough situation- suggestions?

[D-Lish]

Man...

 

Well, some of you here may have read my sordid story. I dated a guy for a year, then he dumped me out of the blue over the phone and he cut off all contact with me. I was heartbroken, and I tried to contact him a couple times to no avail. That was 3 months ago. About a month ago he showed up on my door and asked to talk, but I was on my way out and couldn't talk. I e-mailed him a couple days later and asked to meet for coffee...then a couple days following that he sent me a curt reply "sorry, too late".

 

That's just the short version of what happened. We haven't spoken since his e-mail and I had given up and started moving on. Then...

 

I get an e-mail from one of his best friend's wives and his brother's gf asking me to meet them for coffee. The three of us had become close during my year relationship with him, but since the break up we haven't remained in contact. Understandable right? I mean, they are his close friends, so I didn't feel it was appropriate to involve them or remain friends.

 

Firstly, I am confused as to why they want to remain on friendly terms with me. They said they missed me like crazy and wanted to get together. I am sort of shocked that being so close to him that they would want to see me again. Apparantly, it was him that had given them my e-mail address- so he knows about their desire to see me.

 

So of course I have all these questions running through my head. Is he orchestrating this? Or is this just a friendly meeting that the girls want and has nothing to do with him?

 

Of course, I don't want to be disrespectful to him and "move" in on his friend group. But I really connected with these girls and I too miss them as they say they miss me. What I don't want is to hear all about how great he is doing, or hear anything at all concerning what he is up to, his dating experiences, etc... I fear that would bring me back to square one. I in fact, don't want to use this meeting to talk about him AT ALL. I think that's only fair to everyone involved.

 

I know he has encouraged this meeting on some small level. But I also know that doesn't mean he wants me back.... even though I wish it did mean that. Am I setting myself up for a relapse here by meeting with them? Would this make him upset, or cause os rift between him and his friends?

 

I'm so confused as to how to handle this. They told me everyone misses having me around and they often talk about the funny things I used to do to make them laugh, and that even his brother and best friend wish we hadn't broken up.

 

I just don't want to relapse my progress here. This man really hurt me. But despite that, I don't feel that I want to cause problems with him and his friends. And I didn't contact them- they reached out to me.

 

Do you think that I should just set up boundaries before the meeting that we don't talk about my ex at all?

 

I just don't know what all of this means. I cried a bit tonight after exchanging a few e-mails. Of course I'm reminded of him all over again. I'm also reminded of how much I miss these girls and his best friend's baby. I just don't want to step on anyone's toes, nor do I want to hear that he's dating or super happy without me.

 

Man, don't know how to handle this.

Advice would be appreciated!

D

[californiakid]

you are cute! don't stray back at this point in time. you are just gonna rehash your old thoughts about your ex for the time-being. i would figure out why out of the blue they want to meet up. its obvious its gonna bring up the ex....sounds like you are doing well-don't fall back into the trap

[JEONUNH]

Hi Dee,

 

It seems like there may be some hidden motives here. You probably hurt his ego when you shot him down after he stopped by. He felt as though he really put himself out there and now probably thinks it's your turn to make a big move to get him back. I'd bet that he's talked to the "girls" about how he feels and they're going to try and feel you out to see if there is a chance to fix things. I know in my own mind that I'd be too proud to face rejection again without knowing how my ex was feeling.

 

If you feel like there is a future with your ex then you should meet with them, but avoid talking about your ex. If they ask a direct question, answer it honestly, but without much detail. I would just say that you are trying to move on and his actions caught you off guard, but you're not totally shutting the door on things if you could be shown that things would be different.

 

Now if you don't think you want a future with him, maybe you should still meet with them to get that point across. Then you can see if they still want to make plans with you again in the future. If they don't then you know they were sent on your ex's behalf. It sounds like you still want things to work out with your ex on some level, and even though you've made a ton of progress, you'll keep wondering what this all means unless you just find out.

 

I could be wrong of course, because I don't know how close you were with the girls before. I don't think you'd be crossing a lone by seeing them, but if you think it will hurt your progress then I think the answer is clear... leave well enough alone. Thanks for all your help... Hopefully I've said something you can think about as well.

[Josalina]

i would set ground rules nicely b4.

just say exactly what u have wrote, u miss these girls too, although they are your ex's mates, you don't wanna tred on anyones toes nor if possible do u want to hear too much about him, as u are still trying to move on.

if there are hidden motif's in this, all will b revealed anyway so if u miss these girl like they miss u, go have fun and see them, the worst that can happen is your ex wants ya back. he wouldn't have a right to get funny about it because after all he handed out ya e-mail address to them.

if u don't enjoy it you don't have to do it again.

take care.

[Art_Critic]

I think that if it is going to set you back to square one where you want your ex back then forget about it..

 

But if going out with the girls is fun and it doesn't mean that he has to be part of your life then go for it..

 

Personally I think he is or will be sending smoke signals that you need to be weary of thru them.. he may also be using one of those girls as a way of keeping track of you and whether or not you have moved on..

[ImInPain]

D-lish -

I would go and show them how well you are doing without him. Even if it is a front they won't know. You could set some boundries b4 hand but that shows you are worried and thinking about him. Maybe the girls are for real and just really miss you. I think your strong enough to go and pull it off. If you decline he will know that you still want him back and that gives him the power. Go, have fun and be yourself. Good luck.

[D-Lish]

Thanks everyone,

 

I'm torn about what to do. But I truly had a good relationship with the girls during my year with my ex. Maybe it's just that they themselves miss me, and just simply want to catch up.

 

I did what some of you suggested and said I had respect for their friendship with "X" and just wanted to catch up with THEM and not talk about him at all.

 

So, I think I will meet up with them and just keep the topic light.

And Yes, I will pretend to be as happy and as positive as ever!

I know they wish my ex and I were still together- mostly because they liked me. But that doesn't mean he wants to reconcile.

 

I guess I was hoping everyone would chime in and say "he wants you back, it's so clear!!!" haha, just kidding. I do want him back, but I don't think it would ever work.

 

It's funny how it's so easy to give advice to others, the answers always seem so clear when it's not yourself having the experience. When i was reading all of your responses I was thinking to myself- hmmmm... That is probably the same advice I would give to anyone else experiencing the same situation!

 

Thanks for your input!

Much appreciated.

You guys rock.

D

[gonetildecember]

Maybe as an optimist and someone who's hoping for a reconciliation I'm biased- to me it seems like it could be more than just coincidence...

 

As you did say they had to have got your email from him, and he did not too long ago try to contact you. When you wanted to meet, and he said no, he was trying to maintain the image that he was in control of the situation. Sometimes or pride won't let us do things, no matter if we want to or not.

Also, the fact they keeping harshing on the fact that "everyone" misses you can also make you wonder if he is a member of "everyone". You said they would like for you guys to reconcile, maybe knowing this he sought them out to help approaching the situation with caution- in case you were no longer open to the idea, and he was scared of losing his power...

 

so who knows, keep things light- but keep your ears/heart somewhat open for something that might hint that some interest on his part is still there..

 

but maybe thats just a hopeful's perspective:confused:

[Krying]

D, I definately get the impression he has a hand in this. It may be small, but I'm sure he's aware of it, and you never know he might want to reconcile with you. But that's up to you. It's your decision. I have a feeling if it goes well with your catching up with your friends, you'll hear from him again rather quickly.

[phoenix21]

Hi D-Lish. I just joined this forum and posted my first thread. I've been reading a lot on what's going on with other people. I don't know if you've said this, but do you know why he broke up with you in the first place?

 

Maybe you could help me with my situation. Thanks

[D-Lish]

Hi D-Lish. I just joined this forum and posted my first thread. I've been reading a lot on what's going on with other people. I don't know if you've said this, but do you know why he broke up with you in the first place?

 

Maybe you could help me with my situation. Thanks

 

I'll read your post Phoenix!

 

He broke up with me over the phone because he said he didn't love me anymore and hadn't for a while. I was going through a hard time and had been a little more needy than usual. Just prior to the break up we had gone away on a trip and had a marvelous time- we had even been discussing moving in together. then we had a fight one day and I stormed off...and he called four days later to say he didn't love me and didn't want to date me anymore.

 

That's pretty much what happened.

It sucks, I still love him like crazy. But I can't help but recognize that he left me during a painful and hard time, and perhaps that shows his true character.

 

I'll check out your post too.

Thanks,

D

[D-Lish]

It seems like everytime I make a little progress, something happens to set me back.

 

All of this recent interest on the part of his friends has got my head spinning out of control. I want to find out what they have to say, but I don't want to hear the wrong thing so my hopes come crashing down again.

 

Since I have been corresponding with his friends again, he has been on my mind 24/7. I've been resisting the urge to call him- something I haven't done since the break up- just to ask if he's okay if I see his friends.

But I am also stupidly wanting to use that as an excuse to talk to him and open the door for communication as well. I think he might see right through that excuse. And there's a good possibility he doesn't care if I see his friends, and if I phone and he's cold or distant... I'll feel the pain of rejection all over again.

 

Please, somebody tell me not to call...

 

I'm gonna go and meet with them. I'm just trying to be patient until that time and not contact him. Every 2-3 weeks I get this stupid urge to e-mail him. I've been consistently doing that since our break up. I'm at that point again- thinking about reaching out because it's been almost 3 weeks.

 

I just miss him so terribly and I'm so lonley without him.

I'm back to not eating or being able to sleep again. I just want him back more than anything in the world. This stupid thing with his friends has just given me a whole lot of false hope.

 

I almost fainted tonight as I was getting dressed, and I realized I haven't put anything in my stomache besides coffee in 2 days. It's just such a terrible place to be- loving and not being able to have them.

I'm mad at myself for letting him affect me so negatively. I'm at my wits end here... not knowing which way to turn or how to get my act together and move on.

 

Sorry for the long post, I'm feeling so lost and lonley tonight.

D

[gonetildecember]

 

I just miss him so terribly and I'm so lonley without him.

I'm back to not eating or being able to sleep again. I just want him back more than anything in the world. This stupid thing with his friends has just given me a whole lot of false hope.

 

I almost fainted tonight as I was getting dressed, and I realized I haven't put anything in my stomache besides coffee in 2 days. It's just such a terrible place to be- loving and not being able to have them.

I'm mad at myself for letting him affect me so negatively. I'm at my wits end here... not knowing which way to turn or how to get my act together and move on.

 

D

 

 

I know the feeling exactly! Today i decided to commit to trying NC, and just re-reading my post on my situation made me start to cry. I can't help but miss him- and get scared that maybe I'm not doing the right thing.

 

Try to take care of yourself, and as hard as it is, don't call- at least try to wait and see what they have to say.

[D-Lish]

Thanks GTD,

 

10 days and counting until the meet up.

I gotta keep myself busy!

 

I understand how you feel too... it sucks. Sorry you're hurting too.

I hate feeling so desperate! I think "desperate" is the best word to describe how I've felt since the break up. It's that feeling of wanting something so bad, and knowing there is nothing you can do to change things. yuck.

 

Nite,

thanks for the support!

D

[phoenix21]

D-Lish,

 

I know that it's hard, especially when you want something more than anything. I feel the same way about my ex. It's also hard when you don't know what they're thinking or how they're feeling. I have moments when I'm on a rollercoaster and it sucks. One minute you're ok and the next minute it hits you. Like you said, all you can do is keep busy. I know you can do it. Hang in there!!!

[demilde]

I hate feeling so desperate! I think "desperate" is the best word to describe how I've felt since the break up. It's that feeling of wanting something so bad, and knowing there is nothing you can do to change things. yuck.

 

How apt the opening lyrics to ain't no sunshine are:

You ever want something

That you know you shouldn´t have

The more you know you shouldn´t have it

The more you want it

And then one day

You get it

And it´s so good to you

Hope it goes well for you.

[Guest]

Not so sure why so many people have posted that they find it so hard to know what their ex's are thinking........when in fact their actions tell you loud and clear that they have chosen not to be in a relationship with you nor a friend. I know that is a tough pill to swallow yet you sound like you have had tons of lifes experiences (i.e married before) and should be able to sit back and identify the characteristics (i.e trust, honesty, compassion, compromise, etc) in people needed for a semblance of hope for a solid relationship.

 

If so, based on his actions to-date, does this guy have them or does any of these exes have them for other posters on this board? I can understand being upset that something has not worked out as it's a natural feeling yet for you to even consider wanting anything more with this guy in your future, it tells me that you are probably not thinking rationally and still think that being with him is easier than finding a new great guy to bond with.

 

In the long run this guy is only going to cause you more hurt. Life is way too short and the more time you spend pining away for a low life like him, the less time you will have to find someone who deserves you. Its up to you....go see his friends. I know that sounds cool and all since you liked them yet we can see that it is already having a negative effect on your psyche......Sorry if I sound harsh, yet sometimes tough love is what is needed here. If you think he is thinking as much about you as you do him, you are gravely wrong........if he did he wouldn't be putting you through this. He cares only for himself and if you want a guy like that then go for it!

[ImInPain]

D-lish,

You have to eat and take care of yourself. The only person your hurting by not taking care of yourself is you. He doesn't see you not eating and in pain. I go through the same thing and in fact I am drinking like a fish. Does my ex care, NOPE. NC for close to 2 months and I don't know if I'll ever hear from her again. You are a very smart woman and from the pictures very beautiful. If someone does not want to be with you let him go there are tons of other guys in the world that would date you I am sure. I know it's hard and I am in the same boat. You know what to do and you give great advice on here. Take and write your questions about your relationship to yourself then honestly answer them as if you were helping someone else on here. Remember no love blinders. Be honest and open with yourself, think and answer with your head and not your heart. I am sure you will find the answer to all your questions within yourself.

[D-Lish]

If you think he is thinking as much about you as you do him, you are gravely wrong........if he did he wouldn't be putting you through this. He cares only for himself and if you want a guy like that then go for it!

 

You're not being harsh Guest. It's the truth. He isn't thinking about me anywhere near as much as I am thinking of him.

And yes, my rational side says he's no good for me. I'm trying to reconcile between that realization and the loss I feel.

It's the whole heart and head dilemma.

 

Thanks Iminpain,

I think we all go through that self destructive phase following a break up...

 

chin up...

D

[shawn_68]

I just miss him so terribly and I'm so lonley without him. I'm back to not eating or being able to sleep again. I just want him back more than anything in the world. This stupid thing with his friends has just given me a whole lot of false hope.

 

I'm really tempted to suggest that you should forget about getting together with his friends. It appears that this whole thing is unhealthy for you already. I know you're in doubt now, but if your goal is to truly move on, then you don't need any reminders of the past.

 

I've been in a situation similar. If you TRULY know it's over I wouldn't go. Respectfully bow out.

[D-Lish]

Thanks Shawn,

 

I was all ready to bow out and then I got another e-mail from one of the girls saying her father is dying of a brain tumour and she is feeling pretty devastated.... so she reiterated that she is really looking forward to seeing me because she is going through a rough time.

 

Now, I feel out of respect that I really should go.

 

I asked them to respect the fact that I don't wish to talk at all about my ex.... to which they responded that it was cool, we wouldn't talk about him.

 

I am feeling a little better the last couple days.

Yeah, it's going to be tough. Remaining friends with them will mean I will probably run into the ex at some point. But I will avoid that at all costs.

I just got an invite to their annual x-mas party.... and HE will be there. Um, to that, I will not attend. I'm not ready for that quite yet.

Maybe at some point.

 

It's funny. One of the girls is dating my ex's brother. They had gone out previously for a couple months and it didn't work out- and then they got back together a year later and are super happy. So sometimes people do get back together. I don't think it's in the cards for me, but these girls are really campaigning for us to reconcile. One girl said in her e-mail that my ex talks fondly of me all the time. I don't quite understand that because he won't even speak to me.

 

I feel much better now than I did.

Thanks for your replies.

D

[panzer6]

You seem like an intelligent person, in fact your spelling is better than alot of the people I have seen on this site. The bottom line is you are an attractive intelligent woman who deserves to have real love in your life. This guy doesn't seem willing to give you that. We always look at our significant other as the "Prize" whenever they leave us. It must be some kind of psychological response to abandonment. They leave us and we feel inadequate due to their leaving, their withdrawal of affection for us. The trick is to keep in mind that "You" are the "Prize". It's a mindset that will put you in a position of power while simultaneously diminishing your ex's power over you. Once you achieve this you can look at your ex and you wont feel overwhelmed or emotionally upset. In fact you will look at them in a very different way. You will see their faults more clearly and you may realise that you are better off without them. Remember, it was his loss not yours.

[D-Lish]

You seem like an intelligent person, in fact your spelling is better than alot of the people I have seen on this site. The bottom line is you are an attractive intelligent woman who deserves to have real love in your life. This guy doesn't seem willing to give you that. We always look at our significant other as the "Prize" whenever they leave us. It must be some kind of psychological response to abandonment. They leave us and we feel inadequate due to their leaving, their withdrawal of affection for us. The trick is to keep in mind that "You" are the "Prize". It's a mindset that will put you in a position of power while simultaneously diminishing your ex's power over you. Once you achieve this you can look at your ex and you wont feel overwhelmed or emotionally upset. In fact you will look at them in a very different way. You will see their faults more clearly and you may realise that you are better off without them. Remember, it was his loss not yours.

 

Thanks for the spelling compliment!

lol. All those years in University probably helped.

 

You're absolutely right regarding how the sudden withdrawl of affection can play tricks on one's mind.

 

I am trying to develop that sort of mindset you suggest, but it's not always easy after being rejected. I am the prize....I am the prize... Okay, got it!

 

It is his loss. And my head tells me I'm so much better off without him. But the heart still aches a little bit. Actually, it comes in waves~ good days, bad days.

 

Stupid bad days. I went out last night and found my mojo again. So I am feeling more confident after coming home with a pocket full of phone numbers... lol.

 

I am the prize...his loss.

Thanks P! Your words made me feel better.

D

[panzer6]

You know D-Lish, we all tend to put our ex's on a pedestal. We just have to remember that they are flawed. In fact we are all flawed individuals. Imagine a world of perfect people, how boring that would be. My ex is quite flawed herself. She is very good at pointing out my flaws, but she doesn't seem able to come to terms with her own. I'm sure theres a psychological term for that. LOL!!!! Just remember that the universe is made up of positive and negative energy, as are we. Yin and Yang, Good and Evil, Light and Dark, it doesn't matter what we call them, they exist and are woven into the fabric of everything that exists. One cannot exist without the other. The idea is not to concentrate on being only good, the idea should be to concentrate on being whole. It's like I said earlier, it's a mindset that we need to embrace. Think of it this way, "When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at will change" Pretty simple, eh. ( I'm in Vancouver) Holy ****, if this rain keeps up we will have to start building an Ark!!!

[Kamille]

Hi D-Lish! Yes indeed you are a prize. We all know it here and his friends realize it.

 

But I know what you mean when you say you always get pulled back. I seem to be go through cycles with the last guy I saw because the reality of it is, I would love it if someway somehow there was a way that we could have a second chance. I am now feeling much better about myself (I am a prize I am a prize, lol) and so can clearly see that if he ever wants a second chance, he will have to do the work and do it honestly. (ie, no showing up unannounced and the texting: too late)

 

Keeping this in mind, that he will have to do the work and convince me, somehow keeps me sane.

 

Maybe he will never want to do the work. His loss (I am a prize I am a prize... lol, love that one).

 

To get there, I also focused on the things he did that I didn't know how to forgive. Like, for instance, your ex bailing when you were going through a tough time. These are the things that he would have to 'do away with' by his actions. Personally, in your case I really don't see how he'd be able to manage that one. I'm not saying he couldn't, just saying he has an extra challenge to tackle. (Somehow viewing it as his challenge and his problem helps me feel like I am not so powerless in the situation).

 

Good luck! And I'm not really worried about you. You know you have what it takes to get over him.