tough situation- suggestions?

[D-Lish]

You know D-Lish, we all tend to put our ex's on a pedestal. We just have to remember that they are flawed. In fact we are all flawed individuals. Imagine a world of perfect people, how boring that would be. My ex is quite flawed herself. She is very good at pointing out my flaws, but she doesn't seem able to come to terms with her own. I'm sure theres a psychological term for that. LOL!!!! Just remember that the universe is made up of positive and negative energy, as are we. Yin and Yang, Good and Evil, Light and Dark, it doesn't matter what we call them, they exist and are woven into the fabric of everything that exists. One cannot exist without the other. The idea is not to concentrate on being only good, the idea should be to concentrate on being whole. It's like I said earlier, it's a mindset that we need to embrace. Think of it this way, "When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at will change" Pretty simple, eh. ( I'm in Vancouver) Holy ****, if this rain keeps up we will have to start building an Ark!!!

 

I've been watching the news~ the rain on the West coast is CRAZY!

 

You're right, perfection is boring.... so very boring.

Reconciling the good and bad within us with the intent of becoming "whole" seems to be a lifelong endeavour. I'm betting only a very small percentage of people ever get there. In my life, I've run a across a whole lot of people who just live on the surface, never really experiencing any depth. I'm often annoyed by those people.... lol

 

:-)

D

[D-Lish]

Hi D-Lish! Yes indeed you are a prize. We all know it here and his friends realize it.

 

But I know what you mean when you say you always get pulled back. I seem to be go through cycles with the last guy I saw because the reality of it is, I would love it if someway somehow there was a way that we could have a second chance. I am now feeling much better about myself (I am a prize I am a prize, lol) and so can clearly see that if he ever wants a second chance, he will have to do the work and do it honestly. (ie, no showing up unannounced and the texting: too late)

 

Keeping this in mind, that he will have to do the work and convince me, somehow keeps me sane.

 

Maybe he will never want to do the work. His loss (I am a prize I am a prize... lol, love that one).

 

To get there, I also focused on the things he did that I didn't know how to forgive. Like, for instance, your ex bailing when you were going through a tough time. These are the things that he would have to 'do away with' by his actions. Personally, in your case I really don't see how he'd be able to manage that one. I'm not saying he couldn't, just saying he has an extra challenge to tackle. (Somehow viewing it as his challenge and his problem helps me feel like I am not so powerless in the situation).

 

Good luck! And I'm not really worried about you. You know you have what it takes to get over him.

 

I remember when I first broke up with my ex- that I read somewhere to make a list of all his good and bad qualities. Of course, the bad outweighed the good. I still look at that list to remind me of why I should be thankful we're not together.

 

How are you doing in terms of your ex?

Any contact?

 

I've had a few REALLY bad lavalife dates.... haha.

Nobody looks like their picture...

Crazy on-line dating...

D

[Kamille]

I remember when I first broke up with my ex- that I read somewhere to make a list of all his good and bad qualities. Of course, the bad outweighed the good. I still look at that list to remind me of why I should be thankful we're not together.

 

How are you doing in terms of your ex?

Any contact?

 

I've had a few REALLY bad lavalife dates.... haha.

Nobody looks like their picture...

Crazy on-line dating...

D

 

I only tried on-line dating once, met a really nice guy. He did look like his picture but there wasn't a spark there. I guess on-line is even more hit and miss then off-line dating.

 

Thanks for asking how I'm doing! I love talking about myself but things have been so good that I've had nothing to post about. I am enjoying this drama free, if also sex free, lifestyle.

 

 

It's safe to say I am now officially over the ex. Your question made me realize that there has been very little contact. Well I kind of realized it before, but didn't really care. Get this, he never answered the e-mail I sent after he wrote to say he was worried because I wasn't answering his e-mail... . Ah well, he probably had nothing to say.

 

That's ok, there are other fish in the sea... or Lake. Toronto seems to be bustling with cuties right now. I have to confess that I still daydream about him sometimes, but now it's just really enjoyable - no torture involved. I feel like I have a much saner perspective on what happened between us and why it couldn't and didn't work. But I was lucky since, even though we had a very strong connection, we never had the chance to really fall for each other. (I also now see that he definitely wasn't ready to fall for anyone but his ex...and even there, I wish her luck! he was a messed up puppy).

 

If he comes back he comes back, if he doesn't he doesn't. It took me a while to get here, but it feels sooo good.

 

I know you'll get there too.

 

Seriously, we should just meet next time you're in Toronto. I'm finding men here are really not shy about approaching women. (The Duke of York yielded great results last Friday).

[D-Lish]

I only tried on-line dating once, met a really nice guy. He did look like his picture but there wasn't a spark there. I guess on-line is even more hit and miss then off-line dating.

 

Thanks for asking how I'm doing! I love talking about myself but things have been so good that I've had nothing to post about. I am enjoying this drama free, if also sex free, lifestyle.

 

 

It's safe to say I am now officially over the ex. Your question made me realize that there has been very little contact. Well I kind of realized it before, but didn't really care. Get this, he never answered the e-mail I sent after he wrote to say he was worried because I wasn't answering his e-mail... . Ah well, he probably had nothing to say.

 

That's ok, there are other fish in the sea... or Lake. Toronto seems to be bustling with cuties right now. I have to confess that I still daydream about him sometimes, but now it's just really enjoyable - no torture involved. I feel like I have a much saner perspective on what happened between us and why it couldn't and didn't work. But I was lucky since, even though we had a very strong connection, we never had the chance to really fall for each other. (I also now see that he definitely wasn't ready to fall for anyone but his ex...and even there, I wish her luck! he was a messed up puppy).

 

If he comes back he comes back, if he doesn't he doesn't. It took me a while to get here, but it feels sooo good.

 

I know you'll get there too.

 

Seriously, we should just meet next time you're in Toronto. I'm finding men here are really not shy about approaching women. (The Duke of York yielded great results last Friday).

 

I was so impressed with the guys in TO... they actually approach you! That never happens here in Hamilton.... not that you'd want them to!

LOL.

 

I was at the Keg for dinner a couple weeks ago near University Ave, and a table of guys bought our dinner for us.... I was shocked. I don't know why it's different in a larger city- I mean it's only half an hour away from here! But it truly is different.

 

I think it's crazy the games people play with the "upper hand"... sounds like that was what your ex was doing. He sends you an e-mail...you respond, then he ignores. My ex did that as well as you know. It's like they feel better about having the upper hand.

 

I'll be in TO over the next few weeks...we head there at least one-two times a month. My dad keeps an apartment on Queen's Quay because he works in TO and doesn't want to commute from Ancaster everday... so it's always free on the weekends and I often take advantage of that! I'll PM you the next time we head there.

 

College Street is a lot of fun- always have a good time moving around from place to place down there.

 

Glad you're feeling better about your ex. It'll happen for me too... I feel a bit better everyday.

:-)

Thanks,

D

[Kamille]

I was so impressed with the guys in TO... they actually approach you! That never happens here in Hamilton.... not that you'd want them to!

LOL.

 

I was at the Keg for dinner a couple weeks ago near University Ave, and a table of guys bought our dinner for us.... I was shocked. I don't know why it's different in a larger city- I mean it's only half an hour away from here! But it truly is different.

 

I think it's crazy the games people play with the "upper hand"... sounds like that was what your ex was doing. He sends you an e-mail...you respond, then he ignores. My ex did that as well as you know. It's like they feel better about having the upper hand.

 

I'll be in TO over the next few weeks...we head there at least one-two times a month. My dad keeps an apartment on Queen's Quay because he works in TO and doesn't want to commute from Ancaster everday... so it's always free on the weekends and I often take advantage of that! I'll PM you the next time we head there.

 

College Street is a lot of fun- always have a good time moving around from place to place down there.

 

Glad you're feeling better about your ex. It'll happen for me too... I feel a bit better everyday.

:-)

Thanks,

D

 

Sounds great! I actually live in Little Italy so I can hit College anytime.

 

I kept thinking after answering your post about every thing I processed since the break up.

 

I had a moment of wondering what exactly it was I thought I’d be loosing by not having this guy in my life. I mean don’t get me wrong, I still miss him. But my life wouldn’t actually change much. He’d just be in it. To his advantage.

 

Also, thanks to a conversation I had with Pjammer, I sat down and tried to imagine how things would unfold if he asked for a second chance. What he would need to do.

 

I realized there were certain things he probably would never be able to make up for. I don’t see for instance, how he could convince me that he won’t bail on me anytime he has an emotional crisis. At first it was hard to admit because it meant letting go. But now I just feel like he’s gotta do what he’s gotta do and we’ll see how things go next time I see him. It also makes me feel like we're on equal footing - or perhaps even, I have the upper hand.

 

 

What was hard for me, and you helped me a lot with this, was accepting it was over but also realizing that he did care. Realizing, that is, that it did not take anything away from what we did have together. And that I still was the person he was originally attracted too.

 

 

I’ve also come to the realization that love shouldn’t be that complicated.

[D-Lish]

I couldn't agree more with your suggestion that love shouldn't be that complicated Kamille! It's so true.

 

I don't think your ex was a bad person, just sounds like he was really "stuck" in a confusing situation. You can bet that he still thinks about you, and WHEN things don't work out in the situation he's currently in, he'll kick himself for making the wrong choice.

 

My ex never really got over the heartbreak of his first long term gf. It has been six years since they split up- but I could tell, just read it in his eyes and odd comments that he was also stuck in the past. Because of that, I'm glad we aren't together anymore.

 

We both deserve a love that is unconditional and without the ghosts of "exes past".

 

I think you're pretty rational about how you've handled this.

Not everyone can pull themselves together and move on with such a level and forgiving head quite the way you did. I am such a retard when it comes to the NC. I still e-mail my ex little funny one liners every once and while to see if he'll respond. He used to find it amusing when I would text him that I was bothered my the smell of my own feet... So I e-mailed him yesterday that my feet were a little smelly from wearing my furry boots all day and that I thought that was the real reason he broke up with me.

 

See? I think I'm funny.... he sooooo obviously does not because he never responds! lol.

 

One of these days he'll surprise me and respond. Either that or he'll text me to get lost.... haha.

 

You ever run into your ex or is there little chance of that?

D

[Eric102]

Actually i have to agree. Not everyone can do NC...but i'm sorry to say its the only way that sometimes works. My ex calls me all the time now that i'm gone out of her life. She kicked me out and then i changed myself completely now. She calls for some reason basically when u lose your feelings completely they will come back. lol people work so differently jeez.

 

But anyways try NC day by day. It took me two months to perfect it. I would call her everyday. I got her hooked on me and then i started the NC. If you cry and beg and try to get fix things thats the best thing to do.

[Kamille]

Lol, smelly feet!

 

I have to say, I do the same thing you do. I send him a spontaneous e-mails every two weeks or so. He responds approximately to every other one. By now though, I feel like we are on friendly terms and so I don't even expect an answer anymore. And honestly, I don't really feel the urge to write anymore. He's a friend, I'll write of something relevant comes up.

 

But what bugged me at first was that I kept getting the impression he was reading all my e-mails with guilt-goggles on. There was just that tone in the ones he answered. And that drove me nuts, as you may remember.

 

Maybe it's the same thing that is going on with your ex. He might be incapable of seeing and responding to the humor in your e-mails because he is stuck imagining you're feeling down. Or maybe that's was it at first, before he showed up at your door. Now I really don't know what to make of your ex. But it does sound like he is stuck in his own perspective on the whole thing.

 

How are you feeling about meeting up with his friends? Is that going better?

 

And yes, my ex and I float in the same networks back in the Maritimes. I am moving there in January and he goes back and forth between Montreal and the Maritimes, so I'm pretty sure I'll run into him within the next year. That should be interesting. I'll make sure to report.

[shawn_68]

I still e-mail my ex little funny one liners every once and while to see if he'll respond.

 

It's not really clear to me whether you want to get back together with him or simply move on.

 

But the message that you're sending him is that you still care. What do you think would happen if he realized that you DON'T care and have moved on?

 

I've also got to think that emailing him when he doesn't respond back HAS to take a toll on your self-esteem. I've been where you are. More often than not it has little effect on the decision to return.

 

Obviously you have to make your own decisions, but it seems best to me to leave him alone completely. If you do want him back I think it's your best opportunity. And it's your best bet for moving on completely if you wish.

 

Good luck.

[D-Lish]

Well Shawn, when it comes down to it, I totally want to be with him. I loved him- still do.

 

But you're right, I need to stop punishing myself by reaching out to someone that doesn't want to talk to me. It's only hurting me.

 

About seeing his friends.... I've laid the ground rules that I don't want to talk about him or make mention of him at all. And that's how I truly want it. Am I going to be able to handle it? I don't know. I just feel it's too late to back out. I also never got closure with him, and a small part of me feels like by meeting with these girls I had become so close to and fond of, that at least I am getting a chance to have a friendly farewell with them.

 

Is it a smart idea in terms of how I will feel afterwards? Probably not. No, probably not. I'd never in a million years betray my ex to them, or talk about anything to do with him, I just don't have that in me.

 

I'm just going to view this as a little bit of closure for me. Say my farewell, be happy and positive, and be on my way. Then I'll deal with the consequences afterward. I do adore these girls, and we spent a whole lot of time together over the course of a year.... so yeah, saying good-bye to them is sort of something I feel I have to follow through with.

 

If I come back with a thread next Sunday night saying "oh my god, why did you guys let me do this"... you can kick my ass.

 

D

[Trialbyfire]

Good luck with this. You seem like a nice person and deserve far better.

[D-Lish]

Good luck with this. You seem like a nice person and deserve far better.

 

Thanks TBF,

Nice of you to say!

That's why I like it here- it's all about people helping people, and you can't help but feel good when yu can share your pain and experiences, not to mention wisdom with others. All in the hopes of feeling better and hoping you can help others feel better too.

[Kamille]

About seeing his friends.... I've laid the ground rules that I don't want to talk about him or make mention of him at all. And that's how I truly want it. Am I going to be able to handle it? I don't know. I just feel it's too late to back out. I also never got closure with him, and a small part of me feels like by meeting with these girls I had become so close to and fond of, that at least I am getting a chance to have a friendly farewell with them

 

I'm just going to view this as a little bit of closure for me.

 

What a great way to approach it! Sometimes we need to make closure happen where we can.

 

If I come back with a thread next Sunday night saying "oh my god, why did you guys let me do this"... you can kick my ass.

 

 

You know we'd never say that. And besides, I'm pretty sure that meeting up with these girls will be really good for you! They sound nice and genuine. I mean, they did invite you because they miss you and have agreed to not talk about the ex.

 

The way I see it, the invitation suprised you and set you back - but it sounds like one of those healthy set-backs. The kind that uncovers issues we hadn't dealt with and forces us to move foward in the end.

 

Have a good time!

 

K

[D-Lish]

Thanks as always K!

 

We all need to find our closure right?

No matter how we go about it~ I think it's important.

 

The dating scene her in Hamilton is pathetic! I gotta come to TO soon and do some mingling there...

:-)

 

Stupid dating scene!

You have any prospects on the go?

Dee

[Kamille]

No no prospect. But I must confess that I'm not really looking. I'll have more time in december to go hunting. It'd be great to go with you. I think I could learn a lot!

 

But to keep me entertained, two of my exes have reappeared in my life... with strange propositions. One of them wants us to go travel together! The other, a complete womanizer, just keeps womanizing.

 

I might eventually end up having to post about ex numero 1, the one who wants us to go traveling. Did I mention I think he got in touch with me last month to test out the water to see if I would move back to France if he proposed? The answer was clearly no in my head.

And now he's like: ok, I get it, we're friends. Hey, wanna go to Prague together? As friends, promised!

 

Men. Thankfully we have them. Else all I would ever have to think about is work work work. Speaking of which, gotta go!

 

take good care of yourself Dee, (you'll soon get recruited as an advice columnist and then we can all say we knew you!)

K

[Guest]

De-lish,

You mentioned that you were a bit clingy before the break up because you were going through something. I remember years ago I was dating someone and my dad died suddenly. I became emotional and clingy. I called my boyfriend in the middle of the night sometimes and would wake him up crying. He said that he needed his sleep as he was in the middle of exams and that I was using him as a crutch. He broke up with me saying that we would get back together in the Spring when he graduated. Well, months later he called me back when he had finished school but, as much as I once loved him, I couldn't take him back.

 

I figured that in life there will be so many tragedies that you will go through with your spouse ie. inability to conceive, death of a parent, child with learning disabilities, finances etc. Part of being a couple is being able to get through these times together. If they take off and leave every time there is a crisis then they obviously won't be strong enough to endure the ups and downs of every day life. You need someone that will not run every time there is a problem. Believe me, you can do better. BTW, is that really you in that picture? If so, then you are stunning!

[D-Lish]

De-lish,

You mentioned that you were a bit clingy before the break up because you were going through something. I remember years ago I was dating someone and my dad died suddenly. I became emotional and clingy. I called my boyfriend in the middle of the night sometimes and would wake him up crying. He said that he needed his sleep as he was in the middle of exams and that I was using him as a crutch. He broke up with me saying that we would get back together in the Spring when he graduated. Well, months later he called me back when he had finished school but, as much as I once loved him, I couldn't take him back.

 

I figured that in life there will be so many tragedies that you will go through with your spouse ie. inability to conceive, death of a parent, child with learning disabilities, finances etc. Part of being a couple is being able to get through these times together. If they take off and leave every time there is a crisis then they obviously won't be strong enough to endure the ups and downs of every day life. You need someone that will not run every time there is a problem. Believe me, you can do better. BTW, is that really you in that picture? If so, then you are stunning!

 

 

Thanks Guest...yeah, it's me... and you made my day!

 

I just got back from having lunch with my exes female friends. It went well actually. We didn't talk about the ex at all except at the very end when they said he was a fool for breaking up with me. and that everyone had been shocked because we were so good together.

 

Anyhow, I was upbeat and positive and cracking jokes, playing with their babies- giving them love advice (lol)... We hugged good-bye and promised to do it once a month. Then, I got in the car and let it all out where no one could see me.

 

These girls are my exes best friend's wife and his brother's gf... so he is extremely close to these girls... which makes it difficult to maintain a friendship.

 

I am sad now. but I will get through it.

Thanks for your support!

Dee

[D-Lish]

No no prospect. But I must confess that I'm not really looking. I'll have more time in december to go hunting. It'd be great to go with you. I think I could learn a lot!

 

But to keep me entertained, two of my exes have reappeared in my life... with strange propositions. One of them wants us to go travel together! The other, a complete womanizer, just keeps womanizing.

 

I might eventually end up having to post about ex numero 1, the one who wants us to go traveling. Did I mention I think he got in touch with me last month to test out the water to see if I would move back to France if he proposed? The answer was clearly no in my head.

And now he's like: ok, I get it, we're friends. Hey, wanna go to Prague together? As friends, promised!

 

Men. Thankfully we have them. Else all I would ever have to think about is work work work. Speaking of which, gotta go!

 

take good care of yourself Dee, (you'll soon get recruited as an advice columnist and then we can all say we knew you!)

K

 

 

lol.

 

See? exes do come back! As it usually happens, they do so once we are over them.

 

SO are you going to do it? Travel that is?

Could you do it?

 

I think I might come to TO, not this next weekend, but the weekend after!

I will probably stay at my parents condo so I don't have to drive home.

I'll PM ya when I get details and see what you're doing!

 

I warn you though- I tell fart jokes!!

lol.

 

D

[Kamille]

Well honey, congratulation! You pulled it off with your ex's friends - who, come on let's face it, are also your friends even though the situation is not ideal because of your ex. But hey, once you kick the longing for the ex habit, you could perhaps re-initiate a friendship with them. And you will quit that longing for the ex habit! Come on, there has to be one smart, funny, fart-joke appreciating great man out there ready and available for a stunning and bright woman like you!

 

 

See? exes do come back! As it usually happens, they do so once we are over them.

Yes, they come back because we work so hard and so well at getting over them. We then start to glitter like the prizes that were are- and well, what can I say, poor guys...

But it's weird, once I'm over someone I never go back. It's almost like for me the process of getting over someone is the one of letting go of the idea of a second chance.

 

SO are you going to do it? Travel that is?

Could you do it?

We've resolved that we're going to meet up for a drink when I travel to France in June. And we'll see from there how things go.

 

I think I might come to TO, not this next weekend, but the weekend after!

I will probably stay at my parents condo so I don't have to drive home.

I'll PM ya when I get details and see what you're doing!

 

I warn you though- I tell fart jokes!!

lol.

 

lol - fart jokes eh? Well, whatever, I tell ah, i tell.... ah... I am very good at laughing at fart jokes .

[KNE10]

Thanks as always K!

 

We all need to find our closure right?

No matter how we go about it~ I think it's important.

 

I have been reading your other posts in this forum and i want to thank you. You give some great advice and you have a great way to read into situations. I was feeling a bit down today and you helped me. I have given some good advice to friends before but i don't seem able to follow them in my situation! From what i see on this thread, you do the same!

 

I had my ups and downs since my breakup 5 months ago. And the reason i am still feeling down and prolonged the suffering was my weakness to try and find information about my ex that only caused pain. I was trying to convince myself that i only wanted to know the true reason for the breakup, but as you have said in another post that just doesn't matter. Whether she cheated on me before or after the breakup doesn't matter. I found out that the guy she was seeing right after she dumped me, dumped her after one month. What i didn't know was that she still was hunged up on him. And i tried to contact her every once in a while only to get contempt from her. The more the information you get the more you torture your mind. The best advice you gave is stay as far away as possible and know as little as possible about your ex.

 

Thank you and i hope everything works out for you.