Fiancee is visiting chat rooms & has on-line profiles

[QueenOfDenial]

He doen't know that I know about it yet and I'm not sure what to do. My first thought was to ask him what the hell was going on and I was so disgusted and hurt. We've been together for about 2 years and my daughter loves him, I love him... or at least I love who I thought he was. I'm not sure what I'm looking for here, be it answers, help, sympathy?? I don't know at the moment. I'm so frustrated with it all. He asked me to marry him right after I found out.

 

This whole time we've been together, he's been very insecure, to a point that it's plain p!ssed me off a few times... says he's not good enough for me, seems to think that men must hit on me 24/7, questioning anything I do remotely out the ordinary like he suspects I'm cheating, when I've never even thought about it. He even read through all my emails once when I had accidently left my account logged on his computer. He questioned me to no end about a man I knew before I met him. It really ticked me off that he had read that far and that much, but I got over it. I'm pretty sure that he checks my phone when I leave it around because he always get weird when I've talked to my exhusband. (He seems determined that my ex wants me back and that we're not discussing our daughter, but we MUST be discussing getting back together) Not the case at all. We are on fairly friendly terms I guess, but I have nothing to hide. Now I feel like I can't talk to the ex if he's around or he's going to think I'm being too nice or too whatever... Ugh. So I just don't. Not fair to the ex if he wants to talk to our daughter, but I'm between a rock and a hard place.

 

Anyhoo... I always used to believe that people who are jealous and paranoid like that, are that way because THEY are cheaters. I never thought that with him, I really thought he was just insecure. Then a few weeks ago I had checked my email on his computer. I wanted to be sure that my password hadn't been saved, so I went to the browser menu where it shows if passwords were saved. I saw usernames for a couple of websites that were obviously porn sites of some kind. The password for one of them was there too. I had to know what was going on... it was for a fetish type dating site. I don't want to marry a man who will sleep around and bring home some disease, so I signed in to see what he was up to. He has an ad posted there and messages from different women. He had given them his Yahoo messenger ID. One that I knew nothing about. Now I have that too. On the other website he is a member of, he has posted photos of ME. Not nude, but in short skirts, wearing these sexy boots he bought for me that he just loves. Here is a man that is so freaking worried about other men hitting on me, then he posts my pics. When I let him take them, I made him promise not to ever show them to anyone. Ha.

 

I wanted to believe at first that maybe this was just some kind of weird fantasy thing for him and it was harmless. I had to know though. I signed up a fake profile on the fetish site. He sent me a message a day later. He asked if I was looking for online or rt. I had no idea what rt even meant. Real time. As in meet in person for sex. I can't believe it. I've been trying to set up a "date" with him and he says he wants to do it. He and who he thinks is his "misstress" are setting up a date to meet at a motel.

 

He's also been "swapping" pics of me with men on his messenger. I found one disgusting message where a guy actually came on my picture that he had sent him. Sick. How do you do that to a girl you love? Guys, help me out here. Is it just some weird, sick, naughty thing that men like, or is this just wrong?

 

What do I do now? He has no idea that I know this stuff and I don't know how to bring it up. I'm just feeling like I'm obsessed with "catching" him. I've been tempted to tell him that he made the mistake of sending my pic to someone that knows me and recognized me and not even telling about the fetish thing. The sad thing is, I feel guilty for what I've been doing... tricking him, and now, snooping on his computer, after I got so mad about him reading my email. I love his family, I really wanted to make a life with him, my daughter absolutey love him.... but I'm really confused about why he would do this. Does he think it's okay as long as he doesn't get caught? We live 40 miles apart and work in different cities, so it wouldn't be hard at all for him to get away with anything. (Funny, he's said the same thing about me and laughingly accused me of "probably getting into chat rooms when" he's not there.) I've never been a chatroom person. I use Messenger at work or I probably wouldn't have known how to use it when I met him. I'm SOOOOO freaking nieve. Any advice or thoughts on this?

[sb129]

Queen- this is a tricky one. My ex did the same thing, reading emails etc. It totally destroyed our trust, which was shaky anyway since he was a MM, and I was pretty insecure about that. Funnily enough it was HIS insecurity that destroyed our relationship in the end. Constant accusations towards me etc. I think alot of it was due to his guilt about cheating on his wife, but he was terrified I would do that to him. People in glass houses huh? When we broke up I started online dating and even that was too much for him, he accused me of starting before we broke up, being a slut etc etc. In my mind at the time, the online stuff was harmless chat- and it was. I guess there was no way of proving that though as the internet allows us to be as furtive as we want.

 

Your guy however sounds like he is taking it a bit further than that with RT etc.

It sounds like the trust issue is very shaky between you, and his counter attacks towards you may mean he has something to hide- after all you are finding "evidence".

Do you really want to be with someone you don't trust?

its not like he has a secret stash of porn mags- this is contact with real people. And as for getting you involved, I think that is a violation of YOUR privacy. If someone sent my pic to a man to wank over I would be pretty p***ed off.

This man sounds like he has no respect for himself, therefore how can he have any for you?

Is he worth it?

[QueenOfDenial]

for replying. I'm just still a little in shock over this and at first I thought "maybe I was overreacting, maybe it really isn't any worse than a stash of porn mags" Maybe it's just some immaturity thing. But you're right. At first I didn't think he'd ever even actually meet anyone until I set up the fake profile and he eagerly wants to meet this "other woman". He hasn't actually done it yet, but who knows if hasn't met someone else since we've been together. He was married for 10 years and claims that he and his ex were basically nothing but roommates for the last 3 years and swore that even there was no intimacy between, he'd never cheated, etc. I'm starting to think that he just hadn't been caught. He is very careful... In 2 years, I'd never known that he had this other yahoo account or that he'd visited any of these sites, he never seemed to be anywhere he shouldn't be, his phone is on my plan so I can see who he calls. Of course I never thought I had any reason to check up on anything.

 

The only reason I found out was because he'd had trouble with Internet Explorer so I downloaded another brower that I always use on his computer. At the time, I didn't realize that there a setting that would record all of your passwords. I discovered that later on my own computer. When I had to use his to check my email, I remembered that whole deal from before and didn't want him snooping in my email again, so I checked to make sure that the option to save all the passwords wasn't checked. It was, and right there in front of me were these sites and usernames, etc.

 

This man seems so wonderful to me and my daughter. I so want to settle down and have a happy family and give my daughter a happy, comfortable home. Now I've got this in front of me and some decisions to make. I don't want to tell him everything I know right now, because if I do decide to give him a second chance, I want to be able to be sure that he's back to doing it all over again. I don't know him to know everything I know. I guess right now I'm thinking, I should set up a "R/T" thing with him and figure out a way to catch him in person. Just "happen to see his car there in the hotel parking lot" and then call and catch him a lie or somethiing. Then see if he stops. Am I just fooling myself though? Do they ever stop?

[lighthouse]

 

Now I feel like I can't talk to the ex if he's around or he's going to think I'm being too nice or too whatever... Ugh. So I just don't. Not fair to the ex if he wants to talk to our daughter, but I'm between a rock and a hard place.

 

Here is a man that is so freaking worried about other men hitting on me, then he posts my pics. When I let him take them, I made him promise not to ever show them to anyone. Ha.

 

I wanted to believe at first that maybe this was just some kind of weird fantasy thing for him and it was harmless. I had to know though. I signed up a fake profile on the fetish site. He sent me a message a day later. He asked if I was looking for online or rt. I had no idea what rt even meant. Real time. As in meet in person for sex. I can't believe it. I've been trying to set up a "date" with him and he says he wants to do it. He and who he thinks is his "misstress" are setting up a date to meet at a motel.

 

He's also been "swapping" pics of me with men on his messenger. I found one disgusting message where a guy actually came on my picture that he had sent him. Sick. How do you do that to a girl you love? Guys, help me out here. Is it just some weird, sick, naughty thing that men like, or is this just wrong?

 

 

OK. First you do realize that you shouldn't have been looking at his stuff right? But you did and thank God you did.

He has no right to tell you that you can or can't talk to your ex. Your daughter deserves to have her father in her life (assuming the father is not a horrible person which he must not be or you wouldn't allow him to be in your daughter's life).

Do you have a friend that you can talk to about this? I would send her to meet him in "rt" and bust him that way. Not the most honest thing but he deserves it.

Finally, I think the fact that he is sharing pictures of you is wrong - especially when he promised not to show them to anyone. However the fact that one of them had, technically speaking, semen on it is disgusting. I don't think this man respects you at all and I think you should get you and your daughter away from him. Quickly.

Just my opinion.

lighthouse

[lindya]

This man seems so wonderful to me and my daughter. I so want to settle down and have a happy family and give my daughter a happy, comfortable home. Now I've got this in front of me and some decisions to make. I don't want to tell him everything I know right now, because if I do decide to give him a second chance, I want to be able to be sure that he's back to doing it all over again. I don't know him to know everything I know. I guess right now I'm thinking, I should set up a "R/T" thing with him and figure out a way to catch him in person. Just "happen to see his car there in the hotel parking lot" and then call and catch him a lie or somethiing. Then see if he stops. Am I just fooling myself though? Do they ever stop?

 

 

You've been faced with a very significant aspect of his character that he's been keeping hidden from you. This isn't someone just indulging in a bit of harmless fantasy with porn, or even having flirty banter with strangers; he's engaging in explicit sexual fantasy with all sorts of characters he's meeting online...and bringing you into it, without your consent, by sharing pictures of you.

 

You've set up a profile of a woman who's prepared to have meaningless sex with guys who contact her via the internet. He's responded...so you've seen what kind of guy he is. This isn't just about the fact that he's prepared to be unfaithful to you. He's showing that he would be prepared to be unfaithful with people who are desperate and screwed up enough to advertise themselves for sex with strangers. A guy like that is liable to bring all kinds of sleazy trouble into your life with such exploits.

 

For some people, one of the worse aspects of a partner's indiscriminate infidelity is that it pollutes their life with the kind of people they'd normally avoid like the plague. Unfortunately, by his actions, your fiance is indicating not just that he's prepared to get involved with such dodgy, desperates; he's showing that he's one of them.

[QueenOfDenial]

Thank you all for your comments and suggestions. I think I am going to try busting him by setting up something RT, if I can find someone to help. I do have one friend that I think I can talk to about this.

I finally thought this time that I found a wonderful. This really puts life into a whole perspective. No wonder my aunt got divorced 25 years ago and has chosen not to remarry. I'm starting to feel like I just can't trust anyone every again. At least I don't think I'll ever believe a man when he tells me he loves me. Oh well.... as long I love me, that will just have to do!

 

Another thing... my daughter is only 2. God help me when she wants to start dating someday!! Eeeek! Those poor boys are going to be put through momma's ringer.

[Guestxyz]

Please be careful if you decide to stay with this man. You have a 2 year-old to be concerned about.