Guest Posted November 14, 2006 Posted November 14, 2006 My sister in law and I had a huge fight and have not spoken in several months. She is pregnant and the baby is due pretty soon. My question is do I go with my husband to see them at the hospital or do I stay away?
bab Posted November 14, 2006 Posted November 14, 2006 Call her up now before the baby is due, and make up with her. I don't care whose fault it was, this woman and her children are going to be part of your life forever. You need to bite the bullet and make an effort to mend the situation so that you can be a good aunt to her children. This is family. After you've talked to her, tell her that you are excited about the upcoming birth and ASK her if it would be okay to visit her in the hospital after the birth.
Guest Posted November 14, 2006 Posted November 14, 2006 Call her up now before the baby is due..... I did call her and apologize for my part of the fight, but she only responded with....I don't want to continue this....... So now what do I do???
bab Posted November 14, 2006 Posted November 14, 2006 I did call her and apologize for my part of the fight, but she only responded with....I don't want to continue this....... So now what do I do??? I'm not sure I understand her statement. Did she not want to continue talking to you. Not want to continue talking about the fight? Not want to continue trying to resolve the fight? Not wanting to continue fighting? All of these things mean different things.
amaysngrace Posted November 14, 2006 Posted November 14, 2006 I would go to the hospital. You can have your husband go in to see her, let her know you're in the waiting room, and ask her if it'd be okay if you came into the room. Then the ball is in her court. But you've done the right thing.
Guest Posted November 14, 2006 Posted November 14, 2006 I called her and left her a message apologizing, only because she was not answering my calls. She responded with that statement in an email. I have no idea what she meant, but feel like she doesn't want to continue anything.
bab Posted November 14, 2006 Posted November 14, 2006 Hmmm....that is exceptionally ambiguous. Without really knowing what is going on, I'd follow amaysngrace advice. Maybe send her a baby gift now, before the birth to "ease" her into the idea that you are taking an interest in her life again.
Guest Posted November 14, 2006 Posted November 14, 2006 All of this has hurt me so much, her and I were best friends. It has been months and still I cry about it. I have always gone out of my way to do things for her and be there whenever she needed me without asking for or receiving anything in return. Things came out during the fight that makes me feel like no matter what I do, in her eyes I am ALWAYS wrong. I know I am a good friend, I have many that I have been friends with for 10+ years. But with her I was always TRYING, it never just came naturally. I don't know if has to do with the age difference (7 years younger), or we are just not meant to be close.
a4a Posted November 14, 2006 Posted November 14, 2006 Hmmm....that is exceptionally ambiguous. Without really knowing what is going on, I'd follow amaysngrace advice. Maybe send her a baby gift now, before the birth to "ease" her into the idea that you are taking an interest in her life again. I don't know I think you should have permission to intrude on anyones life. The husband just going or not. If the person states you are not welcome and wishes not to continue to converse with you I don't think it is appropriate to violate that wish. No does mean no, right? I would imagine it was one hell of a fight to keep you from speaking to each other. Maybe she is just not ready to make amends. If you send the gift it may not be appreciated at all, it may end up returned to you even. Then more hurt feelings for you.
2sunny Posted November 14, 2006 Posted November 14, 2006 I would wait a while before corresponding. When you are pregnant - the mind and hormones are not in the normal state. It makes anyone crazy.. wait until her hormones settle down and see if things might be easier after that... Have your hubby take a gift to the hospital - no card - just a gift from "him." She'll know it is also from you - but no confrontation about keeping it...
a4a Posted November 14, 2006 Posted November 14, 2006 I would wait a while before corresponding. When you are pregnant - the mind and hormones are not in the normal state. It makes anyone crazy.. wait until her hormones settle down and see if things might be easier after that... Have your hubby take a gift to the hospital - no card - just a gift from "him." She'll know it is also from you - but no confrontation about keeping it... if I did not want someone to bother me and I said I don't wish to continue this (means= leave me alone IMHO) I would not even want a gift or the sight of her Husband there. Really unless you know the nature of the disagreement who can say if the sister is not correct in asking the poster to stay away. She may have her reasons, and it seems as though she wants that so why not respect that. It all depends on her meaning of her email doesn't it. So best to start there really. Email her and ask " I am not sure what you meant by 'not continuing this', please clarify this for me." Then she will know.... and no more problems. But showing up or sending gifts is a little forward at this point IMHO. It sounds like she really just does not want contact...... to me anyway..... or she would have responded with much more than just that sentence. So email her so you know for sure.
blind_otter Posted November 14, 2006 Posted November 14, 2006 if I did not want someone to bother me and I said I don't wish to continue this (means= leave me alone IMHO) I would not even want a gift or the sight of her Husband there. To be fair, the H is the SIL's brother, I think, and should be allowed to see his niece or nephew whether the SIL wants to be a huge, throbbing bitch or not.
Guest Posted November 14, 2006 Posted November 14, 2006 the H is the SIL's brother, I think Correct, she is my husband's younger sister.
a4a Posted November 14, 2006 Posted November 14, 2006 To be fair, the H is the SIL's brother, I think, and should be allowed to see his niece or nephew whether the SIL wants to be a huge, throbbing bitch or not. That would be between them as a couple.... no relative has "rights" to see a niece or nephew. Your own child yes..... siblings no. Would she have any influence over a newborn anyway? Would the baby remember her at all? I think it would be terrible to start drama at the hospital when her SIL and family are celebrating and having a moment that they choose to share with those they choose to share it with. Anyway it is pointless to guess on this unless the email is returned and clarified as to what exactly it meant.
bab Posted November 14, 2006 Posted November 14, 2006 if I did not want someone to bother me and I said I don't wish to continue this (means= leave me alone IMHO) I would not even want a gift or the sight of her Husband there. I agree with B_O. I hated my brother's exwife, and while I was always pleasant to her, so there were no fallouts, even it there had been, I would always have wanted my brother around. The poster's husband being the pregnant woman's brother (I think) should definitely be "allowed" to see his sister and newborn.
blind_otter Posted November 14, 2006 Posted November 14, 2006 That would be between them as a couple.... no relative has "rights" to see a niece or nephew. Your own child yes..... siblings no. Would she have any influence over a newborn anyway? Would the baby remember her at all? Well my family is very different, I guess. I've dated lots of dudes, but while none of them were welcome at family events, I was always welcomed and my presence was requested whenever new babies were ready to be seen. I didn't even always get along well with my mother, but my sisters always wanted to see me (if I was sober, har har har). And I feel I have the right to see my nieces and nephews. They love me dearly and one of them already knows my phone number.
Guest Posted November 14, 2006 Posted November 14, 2006 I can just hear her now: If I go she will say, what nerve she has showing up here. If I don't go she will say, she doesn't care enough to come see her neice. I am damned if I do and damned if I don't.
a4a Posted November 14, 2006 Posted November 14, 2006 I can just hear her now: If I go she will say, what nerve she has showing up here. If I don't go she will say, she doesn't care enough to come see her neice. I am damned if I do and damned if I don't. Well then don't. What is in it for you anyway? Really? The baby will have no idea that you showed up......none at all. So you cannot say it is for the babies benefit. What started this huge fight in the first place? Sounds like you are still angry with her and probably not a good idea to try to make amends at this time. If the brother is invited then he is invited. I am sure they would call people and say come to see the baby right? So just wait and see.
a4a Posted November 14, 2006 Posted November 14, 2006 Well my family is very different, I guess. Otter of all the things you ever posted this one caught my eye the most.
YesandNo Posted November 14, 2006 Posted November 14, 2006 I can just hear her now: If I go she will say, what nerve she has showing up here. If I don't go she will say, she doesn't care enough to come see her neice. I am damned if I do and damned if I don't. I think you should send your regards (gift?) with your husband. Why put yourself through all of this if she won't be apreciative anyway. Maybe in time this whole thing will blow over. Best wishes to you .
Guest Posted November 14, 2006 Posted November 14, 2006 What started this huge fight in the first place? Sounds like you are still angry with her..... She just got married and my 30 yr old BIL's 18 yr old girlfriend told her that I did not like my bridesmaid dress when I said I don't like how it fit cuz it was 3 sizes too big. So that set her off, she takes EVERYTHING extremely personal. So we didn't really speak a lot after the wedding. So when my hubby's birthday was coming up I had called to ask her to see if their parents could come up as a surprise. I asked her to kinda engage her in some conversations, because I could have done it myself. So she calls her parents as just tells them to call me, so of course my hubby finds out about the surprise. She then disrepects my mother and so I had enough and called her out on it. I sent her an email because she would not have listened. Nothing ugly just why are you being like this and why did you disrespect my mother when she was only trying to help you. So then she calls me she tells me I am not woman enough to call her and she KNEW I was just trying to pick a fight with her about my hubby's birthday surprise. Then she brings up REALLY old stuff saying I did not want to go to her housewarming party... it was the same day my son had baseball games and my daughter had a dance competition 30miles away. But I still went. The call ended with her saying, stay away from me and I will stay away from you. Like I said I have done anything and everything for her. From driving her 150 miles to go see a friend graduate to purchasing the crib and changing table for my nephew. I am a photographer and did her enagement pictures for free, did her family pictures for free, and even took pictures at her wedding and had them blow up for her. And when she finds out I built a new website and all of my pictures were on there, that we I agreed I could use, she says she doesn't think it is right????
Guest Posted November 15, 2006 Posted November 15, 2006 So does anyone have any thoughts on how to handle things. Part of me wants to be friendly with her but I know we can never go back to how we were. I did call and apologize to her if I had ever hurt her, but only got a response back saying ....I don't want to continue this......
YesandNo Posted November 15, 2006 Posted November 15, 2006 So does anyone have any thoughts on how to handle things. Part of me wants to be friendly with her but I know we can never go back to how we were. I did call and apologize to her if I had ever hurt her, but only got a response back saying ....I don't want to continue this...... I'm very sorry about that honey, but I think you need to take a step back and let her come to terms with this. Can your husband patch things up between you two? Give this some time. I wish you well.
Guest Posted November 15, 2006 Posted November 15, 2006 Can your husband patch things up between you two? Thanks so much!! He is just as upset with her, not because I am upset but because she has treated him badly as well. I guess time is the answer. But in this time, I am missing my nephew and my kids are missing their Aunt and Uncle.
YesandNo Posted November 15, 2006 Posted November 15, 2006 Thanks so much!! He is just as upset with her, not because I am upset but because she has treated him badly as well. I guess time is the answer. But in this time, I am missing my nephew and my kids are missing their Aunt and Uncle. This must have been a pretty big blow up. I reckon that she'll come around. Your husband should go see the baby and maybe things will cool off from there. I wouldnt go that first day. Maybe in time she will come to you.
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