Alcohol Again

[Enabler]

I was concerned because I had been in a first marriage where there was abuse of alchol and physical. My boyfriend the other night had nine beers over the course of a day...mowing the lawn and BBQing. I got upset and started crying because for me this is a big issue. He told me I had to many issues from this past relationship that I need to let go of. Nine beers was normal for anyone. I got upset and told him it was not. He told me he would never hit me and did not have a problem w/ alchol. For the 8 months we have been together I have seen him have this much twice. I don't like it and I cannot live w/ it. I told him this. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Yes, I have been to counseling (3 years of it). Am I over reacting? We are living together and getting married very soon. What should I do? He told me yesterday when we both had calmed down that he would not drink that much again because it had upset me so much. Time will tell.

[Tony T]

You have a good reason to be concerned, even if you hadn't had experience with alcoholics before.

 

Nine beers is a LOT of alcohol, even if it was an isolated incident. You are correct in everything you said in your post.

 

The biggest problem you have here now is believing that he will, in fact, curtail future drinking. If he hasn't drank this much at a time very often, then maybe he is capable of cutting it off. But I will tell you that most situations DO NOT get better after marriage and sometimes get worse.

 

I read between the lines that this is such a serious issue with you that it may be a good idea to postpone marriage until you see that this man you love has made a very firm committment about cutting the drinking...and one he can honor.

 

I would also get his permission to talk to his friends and relatives to delve into his drinking history. If he has been a big drinker in the past, or if one or both of his parents are alcoholics, I'd say you've got a major problem on your hands. If he comes from a good family of non-drinkers...or social drinkers...and there was no abuse or other dysfunctional issues in his background, then there is a good foundation for working on solidifying your relationship and moving forward with your marriage at an appropriate time.

 

Your button has been pushed and you are now on high alert. Your fiance has to understand what this drinking did. As a matter of fact, that many beers in a short span of time can cause alcohol poisoning resulting in death for some people. Use a good search engine such as http://www.google.com to look up information on alcohol poisoning. It's up to you whether or not you would want to share this with him.

 

I want you to be happy and he sounds like a great guy...but he has to very clearly understand that alcohol consumption can't be a part of the package when it comes to a life with you. He has to understand that perfectly.

 

Good luck to both of you!!!

[clia]

What should you do?

 

Accept or reject.

 

I personally don't think having 9 beers over the course of a day TWICE in eight months is anything to get completely freaked out about. Especially when BBQing, lawnmowing, etc.

 

I understand your worries about alcoholism, and it is good to keep your eyes open for problems in that area, but this doesn't sound like a guy who has a drinking problem. A drinking problem is doing it on a daily basis and needing the alcohol to make it through the day. Neither of those seem to apply to your bf's situation. I really don't know many guys who don't like to have a beer every now and then when watching a game or BBQing. That doesn't make them alcoholics.

 

It sounds like your boyfriend likes to have some beers from time to time. This is something you either accept or reject about him. If you don't like it, then you need to move on and find someone who never drinks at all and shares your views on alcohol. If you continue to complain about it, you will drive him away eventually. You can't change people and you can't tell them what to do. It will only blow up in your face.

 

You either accept or reject. That's it. If this is something you cannot live with, find someone else.

[Tony T]

I have to say Clia makes a lot of sense in her post above. I guess I'm on high alert myself sometimes.

 

Clia makes some good points. Your biggest worry has to be if these very rare bouts of heavy drinking, albeit while mowing the lawn or barbecuing gradually become more frequent.

 

Definitely monitor the situation...and definitely make it very clear to you fiance how you feel.

 

Whether or not you put off your marriage date it totally up to you. However, I would look into this matter as I posted to you above.

 

I agree with Clia that his infrequent drinking may not be any kind of danger sign. However, given your history it sort of becomes one in your eyes.

 

Go with your gut!

[Ed]

Nine beers is a lot of beer. In his defense, however, if he drank these beers over the span of an entire day, say from noon till 8, 9 or 10 at night, he probably was not even over the legal limit to drive a car. Of course that depends on his body weight, metabolism and other things. The point is, between his working outside and, I assume, eating in-between, he probably was not what anybody would call drunk.

 

I agree with Clia. The way I see it right now, the problem here is not his drinking. It's you determining what your preference is and what you will and won't put up with in your life. You seem to be very touchy about this drinking issue and I can understand why. If you want to, you can completely avoid this kind of situation by choosing a boyfriend that is totally abstinent. The choice is yours.

 

The kind of mate you want in your life is someone who, by their own choice, carries on in manner reasonably consistent with your preferences. If your mate's behavior reaches the point of making you terribly uncomfortable, it is your duty to bring up the issue and have a calm rational discussion about it and find out where each of you stand. The purpose of this discussion is not to coerce your mate into being something they are not, but to discover important details about who they are. With this valuable information, you have the ability to determine if this person and their behavior is something you can live with or if you need to move on and keep looking.

 

I don't know if your boyfriend has a drinking problem or not and neither do you. All you can do is determine whether or not his drinking is a problem for you. The information you need to make a choice and take a stand is readily at hand. All you can do is what you think is best for you. If you don't think a man that drinks is in your best interest, you are forever free to choose a man that doesn't drink at all.

 

Best of luck.

[Paulie]

Nine beers is NOT alot of beers, depending on how you look at it. ONE beer is too much if it causes problems for you. I, for one, honestly had about 18 beers saturday night, over the course of about 7 hours, and talked to a police officer late in that same night, and was completely coherent. I never get into trouble when I drink, and I quit for a couple weeks at my own free will, just for the hell of it...and come back to it by choice, because I enjoy it. I do not have a drinking problem...but if It started to cause me problems, I would have a drinking problem.

 

All you have to do is go to an AA meeting to recognize this...you cannot say how much alcohol is too much for a particular person...it is different for everybody. I generally party every thursday, friday, and saturday nights. I don't drive, get into fights, or get obscenely drunk...I like to socialize and get a little buzz on...nobody has ever accused me of drinking too much...NOW, I do know people who drink half of what I drink, and DO have a problem....they drink inappropriately, and act innappropriately when they drink...

 

Paulie

[Bill]

Alcohol is a DRUG

 

Drug (n):

A chemical substance, such as a narcotic or hallucinogen, that affects the central nervous system, causing changes in behavior and often addiction.

 

If you think otherwise, you are fooling yourself and everyone that you try to convince. You are never in total control of yourself with something that affects your central nervous system. I do not get the point of drinking.

 

And yes, I have tried it. And yes, I DID have a bad experience. And no, I will never do it again. I would not want to hurt someone because I can't control myself.

 

You are correct in wanting your significant other to stop drinking. If you are not in complete control of yourself, then who is? Let's not find out.

[velvet]

Thats an absurd amount of beer. Only someone who has built a tolerance could handle that many without being drunk or feeling shi*ty.

 

Only you know! We dont see your man everyday. If this is not a routine I wouldnt worry about it. You have spoken to him about how you feel, so in the future he will remember. Even I can throw back several on rare occasions. Theres nothing to worry about unless he starts drinking more frequent. If once in a while should turn into weekly, than kick his butt.