My wife left me...

[Guest]

Hello, I know how much pain you are going through...and i'm sure you are playing the what if game. I too have played that game so many times...but it gets you nowhere. Do not be so hard on yourself. It's important to except responsibility for certain things...but this is ultimately NOT YOUR FAULT. This has to do with her isssues, her baggage and her insecurities that she is too immature to deal with. When someone is unhappy...the easiest thing to blame is the marriage....and usually that is not why the other person is really unhappy. Later down the road she will realize that and what she did...and it will be a very sad day for her.

 

Please do not beat yourself up though and blame yourself. You were willing to work on the marriage and she was not. She ran. That is exactly what my husband did ( i posted earlier about that to you in another post) It hurts so much...I know. I would suggest going to a counselor on your own. It is so helpful. I went and I really got a lot out of it. Also...stay busy....are you involved in a church?

 

I'm sure it hurts you too that her family isn't saying a thing. That hurt me so much. I loved his family....and no one said a word about it and him being unfaithful. I finally had to let it go. Sometimes it still bothers me when i think about it...so I just try to redirct my thoughts.

 

Just take one day at a time. Some days are good some days are bad. You may fee like you are moving on...and then you get sad again. Thats' okay too.

 

Since you do not have any chidren...hopefully the paperwork for you will be simple. Mine was dragged out forever...which made it even more painful. He walked out when my daughter was only 3 months old...and she is almost 2 and the paperwork will finally be final in January.

 

Hang in there..you will be a stronger person because of this.

[MNo]

Thanks for the support. I realize now I just have to let her go...

[TapaDingDong]

Speaking of silly reasons my wife always judged people by the way they walk. The walk can tell her many many things about the person. I have never agrued with her about it. As she was leaving she told me that she didn't like me from the first moment she saw me walking. I am puzzeled for why she kept it for almost a year!! Were she giving me the chances to adjust the way I walked!! Is this a reason, I doubt it qualifies even as a good excuse.

 

I envy those people who could hit a button and turn it off for life. I guess you are one of them. Good luck in life!

[MNo]

...I envy those people who could hit a button and turn it off for life. I guess you are one of them. ..

 

I would like to have that button, maybe I have but I can't find it...

[dropdeadlegs]

I always thought there were certain things that would turn my feelings off in a heartbeat. Confronted with one particular situation, I found that thoughts and feelings don't always coincide at the same time.

 

There is no magic button. I wish there was. It would have saved me and those I love a few months of pain and anguish. I would have pushed that button in an instant....

 

Good luck MNno, I have followed your thread and you have a tough row to hoe, but you will survive this. We all have survived and many have come to find even more happiness than we thought existed.

 

Here's to your future happiness!

[MNo]

I can't stop blaming myself...

 

I have episodes where I blame myself for everything. Maybe I did kill love in her. Maybe I didn't try hard enough? Maybe I didn't give enough? What was I thinking off? What was I looking at? Maybe I pushed her away. I should have insisted on talking when she was moody. When we talked maybe I didn't understand...

[whichwayisup]

Don't shoulder all the blame here! Did she come to you the first time she was unhappy and see if you two could work through it, go to marriage counselling? No, she ran! She ran, instead of living up to her vows...

 

I know you're in pain, and this is killing you, but it sounds like she's got issues that she needs to deal with. Her needing her family close by, not really willing to start a new life with you. She is immature and needs to grow up and be an adult. It's not about you, it's about her - So please, don't blame yourself. It sounds like you did alot, helped and was supportive. You have a good heart.

 

I'm shaking my head though, her leaving you with a broken leg! That's a crappy thing she did to you.

 

Have you considered some one on one counselling to help you get through this? Keep talking to your friends too, and posting here too, the more support you get right now the better you'll feel throughout this rough time in your life.

[MNo]

I still can’t believe all this happened to me, to us. Can’t believe she did this to me. 9 years down the drain just like that. I was cast off like an old rag, and she doesn’t even want to look back. How could someone I love so much do something like that.

My brain, my logic, my heart just can’t accept all this is happening. I’m very disappointed in love, in her, the women I love, women that sometime loved me.

 

Pain, disappointment and anger is all I feel. Pain and anger are gone sometimes but disappointment is always there. Will I ever be able to feel free again…

[Gunny376]

You hold the keys to your freedom! You are your own jailer!

[MNo]

UPDATE:

 

Since my wife decided to leave me we have spoken only two times. Once the day she was leaving me, and once more when I came to her parent’s house to try to save our marriage. (Both times she knew we were going to talk so she could prepare herself for conversation.) That second time I haven’t cried or begged I just came to tell her that I am ready to change or do anything to save our marriage, again she told me with very cold voice she doesn’t love me anymore and doesn’t want to see me or hear me again…

 

I couldn’t believe it. After 9 years of dating and 7 years of marriage to throw everything just like that. I was devastated. After days of crying and asking myself why, I regained my balance and I’m pretty much ok now – not in that devastated condition. Lot of things stayed unlearned to me, I couldn’t understand why and why like that.

So I wished I could see her somewhere in town to ask her something’s when she wasn’t prepared to talk – off guard. And that’s what happened. Said hello, she was all smiles and wanted to just walk away. I stopped her saying we need to clear something’s and we could do it at coffee if she wants. She asked me didn’t we talked about everything the last time we spoke. I said no, that time I just wanted to try to make it all right and didn’t ask the ugly questions. She was uncomfortable but so was I, and she was the only person who could give me some answers. We didn’t talk long but this is how went:

 

MNo: Tell me please how can you love someone two week ago and now you don’t feel anything?

Wife: Who said I loved you two weeks ago?

MNo: So you lied to me and pretended?

Wife: I lied to myself too.

…

MNo: Do you know how much pain you caused me for doing this ant doing it this way?

Wife: I did it the best way I could. About pain, I was in pain and unhappy for 7 months!

 

 

And than it hit me. She was unhappy from the beginning of our marriage. Probably she imagined something from movies. How marriage is supposed to look. The moment she thought this isn’t how it’s supposed to be somewhere in her mind was ticking “This is a mistake”. After that she became negative about marriage. She stopped fighting for our marriage before she even started. After time small things that bothered her became clear signs for her and thought “This is a mistake” became stronger and stronger.

 

Now it’s to late do anything. She doesn’t love me and I see it in her eyes. I don’t know what to feel anymore I just know I have to move on with my life. I really wanted our marriage to workout , us to be happy but it wasn’t meant to be.

 

Guilt is killing me, but I just wasn’t smart enough and didn’t know better, to work on that with her. When she was moody and sad I thought it’s just because she is getting used to our life together. But she didn’t talk to me, probably she was afraid to tell me anything so she just kept it to herself hoping it would get better. But it can’t get better if you don’t talk about it and fight to change it.

 

If this is how it really happened then I think she would leave me sooner or latter no matter what I did.

 

 

Now I just feel disappointed and sad. Love of my live is gone and I wasn’t smart enough to see what is happening to save our marriage. I was left without opportunity to fight for my love and it’s eating me from inside.

[Sup]

Don't EVER blame yourself for something that she never told you, it's her fault for not saying something about what she was feeling not yours. What, are you suppose to read her mind? Come on, I hate the fact these days that's what men are suppose to do. And her moodyness, that could have been hormonal for all you could've known.