puddleofmud Posted November 15, 2006 Share Posted November 15, 2006 I would like to start a thread about affirmation--why did these M persons fall in love with US?--not why we fell for them (the heck with that because it just isn't reality--no one can give true love that way). He fell in love with my independence, my self-reliance, my self-knowlege, my education, my open mind. He fell in love with my kindness, my sweet nature, my love of poetry, books and animals. He fell in love with my open heart. He fell in love with my cooking, my herb garden, my freshly baked bread. He fell in love with my voice at every phone call, with my wit and crazy laugh, with my warmth of soul, the music I played in my house. He fell in love because I am loyal, he knew how much my friends loved me, he loved MY life. He fell in love because I answered the phone breathless on my way out the door to do things he could not, to have a life he could never have with me. He fell in love with my silk clothing, my hoisery, my wild hair, my unhibited passion and that I am just one hell of a lay! Hmmm, I am am sounding like a pretty darn good catch! Bet the rest of you OW are as well! Be in touch with how you can be loved and I think better things can happen.... Link to post Share on other sites
BenThereDunThat Posted November 15, 2006 Share Posted November 15, 2006 I would like to start a thread about affirmation--why did these M persons fall in love with US?--not why we fell for them (the heck with that because it just isn't reality--no one can give true love that way). He fell in love with my independence, my self-reliance, my self-knowlege, my education, my open mind. He fell in love with my kindness, my sweet nature, my love of poetry, books and animals. He fell in love with my open heart. He fell in love with my cooking, my herb garden, my freshly baked bread. He fell in love with my voice at every phone call, with my wit and crazy laugh, with my warmth of soul, the music I played in my house. He fell in love because I am loyal, he knew how much my friends loved me, he loved MY life. He fell in love because I answered the phone breathless on my way out the door to do things he could not, to have a life he could never have with me. He fell in love with my silk clothing, my hoisery, my wild hair, my unhibited passion and that I am just one hell of a lay! Hmmm, I am am sounding like a pretty darn good catch! Bet the rest of you OW are as well! Be in touch with how you can be loved and I think better things can happen.... Puddle, Love, love LOVE this!!! :) BTDT Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted November 15, 2006 Share Posted November 15, 2006 funny - that is why my husband fell in love with me... all the things you listed and MORE. it still wasn't enough to keep him from cheating... so, on the second cheating mode... i threw his sorry @ss to the curb. to bad really, we had a great life, great friends and family, and a wonderful sex life... he was never happy though - no matter how good he had things, it was NEVER enough... now he is sad and sorry to see me happy just being on my own... life is not always as it appears, honey.... Link to post Share on other sites
lasan Posted November 15, 2006 Share Posted November 15, 2006 I think the very simplified answer to this question is meeting unfufilled needs. Your list could have applied to me too, when my spouse fell in love with me. (not the cheater. I remarried a couple years later). Link to post Share on other sites
lovernotafighter Posted November 15, 2006 Share Posted November 15, 2006 my MM said to me like this..my charisma, my intelligence, I am beautiful inside and out..he told me I am perfection. however I have learned my MM is something of a villain and though I believe those things about my self I can hardly believe he really felt the same. Link to post Share on other sites
frannie Posted November 15, 2006 Share Posted November 15, 2006 There are many things my MM admires, appreciates and loves about me. I won't bother listing them, and I don't even know what they are necessarily. They are things that one could admire about a lot of people and never fall in love. I think the reasons people fall in love aren't really to do with a checklist of attributes and qualities like that. I think my MM fell in love with me because I listen to him, I'm interested in him and what he has to say about things, I care about him and his concerns, and I make time for him. I'm only guessing, really. It's just about basic human needs, and really really simple. And it's exactly the way I feel about him: those are the needs he filfils for me. Link to post Share on other sites
PoshPrincess Posted November 15, 2006 Share Posted November 15, 2006 I think the very simplified answer to this question is meeting unfufilled needs. I totally agree. My MM fell in love with me for all the things I was that his W wasn't. That's not to say she wasn't a good person; just that she was different, after all, he fell in love with her too, didn't he? Basically, I was just meeting all the emotional needs that he wasn't getting at home. He liked the fact that I was strong, independent, fun loving, etc and he got a buzz from it. Nothing more, nothing less. The grass is always greener and all that, except it wasn't. I gave him something different, not necessarily better but at the end of the day he chose to 'do the right thing' and stay with his W and family. I really hope he addresses the issues he has within his marriage and doesn't make the same mistakes again. He was completely s**t at cheating anyway so he may as well TRY and work at his marriage! I found a poem called 'Rubbish at Adultery' recently. I will try and remember to post it on here. I reckon a lot of you guys will be able to identify it! Link to post Share on other sites
Spinderella Posted November 15, 2006 Share Posted November 15, 2006 The MM love is not a selfless love, he lies to one woman, and strings along another. Therefore it is easy to conclude that his "love" is all about himself. What he loves in the OW (maybe even the wife too), are what she makes him feel HE is, and not what he feels she is. Of course, being considered intelligent by a stupid person, is not too great of an ego boost, and so you would have to possess that quality to make it a compliment to him. Not that he is a bad person because of this, after all, alot of people love in this way. However, having said all of this, I think alot of people have missed the point of the original post, which is to re-focus on yourself and what is loveable about you, instead of the MM and what is loveable about him. Link to post Share on other sites
Jane Doe Posted November 15, 2006 Share Posted November 15, 2006 Spinderella, you're a smart cookie. I like what you said. Link to post Share on other sites
Ripples Posted November 15, 2006 Share Posted November 15, 2006 Ditto JD. Maybe it would have been better to start it off notwhat PoM's MM found loveable about her, but rather what she feels is loveable about her. Just a different spin, but I feel an important one, nevertheless. Link to post Share on other sites
Spinderella Posted November 15, 2006 Share Posted November 15, 2006 Spinderella, you're a smart cookie. I like what you said. Thankyou. Thats a compliment Link to post Share on other sites
Spinderella Posted November 15, 2006 Share Posted November 15, 2006 Ditto JD. Maybe it would have been better to start it off notwhat PoM's MM found loveable about her, but rather what she feels is loveable about her. Just a different spin, but I feel an important one, nevertheless. Agree with this too. Link to post Share on other sites
yousaveme Posted November 15, 2006 Share Posted November 15, 2006 I have been told i make him feel ALIVE.. Link to post Share on other sites
Ripples Posted November 15, 2006 Share Posted November 15, 2006 Hmm, I think I'd rather be with someone who doesn't need others to make them feel alive... Not that I'm an OW, btw. Link to post Share on other sites
burning 4 revenge Posted November 15, 2006 Share Posted November 15, 2006 how come you girls need these dashing, sexy and powerful married guys when you can have a loser like me all to yourself? Link to post Share on other sites
yousaveme Posted November 15, 2006 Share Posted November 15, 2006 Hmm, I think I'd rather be with someone who doesn't need others to make them feel alive... Not that I'm an OW, btw. I see your point but i understand what he means...I guess really hard for me to put into words... Link to post Share on other sites
yousaveme Posted November 15, 2006 Share Posted November 15, 2006 how come you girls need these dashing, sexy and powerful married guys when you can have a loser like me all to yourself? Did i say he was dashing or powerful? But i love him anyway... Link to post Share on other sites
Puddleof Mud Posted November 15, 2006 Share Posted November 15, 2006 However, I awakened the morning with some determination and a good feeling about myself. I wished to post this so we could examine our feelings about our own self-worth so that we could see that we do NOT need these kinds of men in our lives. This was valuable to me because it enabled me to see myself as a good human being that does not want a life of bitterness nor revenge, though I am sure I will grieve at times. I did not post this in order for persons to compare themselves with "the wife"--what good would that acomplish? A married man wouldn't be with his wife if there wasn't something that kept him with her (and I do NOT believe it is all about the "sake of children!")--he has a history, a home and a lifestyle with his wife. It's time to move on...and I am happy with myself. I am not going to allow a looser to make me miserable nor continue to dwell on my mistake! My life is my responsibility and so is how I feel about myself. Link to post Share on other sites
lisapizza Posted November 15, 2006 Share Posted November 15, 2006 The reason is they can't make themselves feel good without someone else doing it for them...when OW give them all the attention, compliments, effection,NO STRINGS ATTACHED, He feels like he will not ever get "caught", so this to him is exciting... etc, they feel this is love... They are weak people...they have no morales and don't value the sanctity of marriage enough. They feel they are "entitled" to something because they have not been treated in the way they feel they should be, they are selfish... It amazes me that single women think they are so different then MW...we have all been there and the only difference is we are on a diffenrt path at "this" very moment. Let me ask you this, you list all your attributes, which I have to admit, are very flattering, but how STRONG are you, can you be the pilar of strength when your children and your cheating husb need you to be there for them?? Just remember, you could be there one day. Then what?? You need to grow up and realize you are attracting MM for a reason, fear of commitment?.. are you weak?.. are you afraid of responsiblity?? Link to post Share on other sites
peacelove Posted November 15, 2006 Share Posted November 15, 2006 The reason is they can't make themselves feel good without someone else doing it for them...when OW give them all the attention, compliments, effection,NO STRINGS ATTACHED, He feels like he will not ever get "caught", so this to him is exciting... etc, they feel this is love... They are weak people...they have no morales and don't value the sanctity of marriage enough. They feel they are "entitled" to something because they have not been treated in the way they feel they should be, they are selfish... It amazes me that single women think they are so different then MW...we have all been there and the only difference is we are on a diffenrt path at "this" very moment. Let me ask you this, you list all your attributes, which I have to admit, are very flattering, but how STRONG are you, can you be the pilar of strength when your children and your cheating husb need you to be there for them?? Just remember, you could be there one day. Then what?? You need to grow up and realize you are attracting MM for a reason, fear of commitment?.. are you weak?.. are you afraid of responsiblity?? Just my 2 cents here. Most mm fear committment, are weak & are very much afraid of responsibility. Maybe that's why they go outside of thier marriage??? Link to post Share on other sites
Author puddleofmud Posted November 15, 2006 Author Share Posted November 15, 2006 This is about moving foward. One does not need a man in their lives which treat them horribly if one cares about oneself. Admitting one's mistake is taking responsiblity. Not becoming bitter or consumed with anger is taking responsilbility. Never letting something like this happen again is taking responsibility. My strength is undoubtable at this point because I choose it over a digusting liar. Link to post Share on other sites
BenThereDunThat Posted November 15, 2006 Share Posted November 15, 2006 This is about moving foward. One does not need a man in their lives which treat them horribly if one cares about oneself. Admitting one's mistake is taking responsiblity. Not becoming bitter or consumed with anger is taking responsilbility. Never letting something like this happen again is taking responsibility. My strength is undoubtable at this point because I choose it over a digusting liar. I completely "got" what you were trying to say. That's why I responded positively. We should embrace our positives and put them out there for someone who deserves us. One of those positives being, turning your back on the MM and walking away with your head held high. Or something like that, my brain is mush this morning. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted November 15, 2006 Share Posted November 15, 2006 I would like to start a thread about affirmation--why did these M persons fall in love with US?--not why we fell for them (the heck with that because it just isn't reality--no one can give true love that way). He fell in love with my independence, my self-reliance, my self-knowlege, my education, my open mind. He fell in love with my kindness, my sweet nature, my love of poetry, books and animals. He fell in love with my open heart. He fell in love with my cooking, my herb garden, my freshly baked bread. He fell in love with my voice at every phone call, with my wit and crazy laugh, with my warmth of soul, the music I played in my house. He fell in love because I am loyal, he knew how much my friends loved me, he loved MY life. He fell in love because I answered the phone breathless on my way out the door to do things he could not, to have a life he could never have with me. He fell in love with my silk clothing, my hoisery, my wild hair, my unhibited passion and that I am just one hell of a lay! Hmmm, I am am sounding like a pretty darn good catch! Bet the rest of you OW are as well! Be in touch with how you can be loved and I think better things can happen.... If you are so wonderful, why isnt he with you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author puddleofmud Posted November 15, 2006 Author Share Posted November 15, 2006 The reason is they can't make themselves feel good without someone else doing it for them...when OW give them all the attention, compliments, effection,NO STRINGS ATTACHED, He feels like he will not ever get "caught", so this to him is exciting... etc, they feel this is love... They are weak people...they have no morales and don't value the sanctity of marriage enough. They feel they are "entitled" to something because they have not been treated in the way they feel they should be, they are selfish... It amazes me that single women think they are so different then MW...we have all been there and the only difference is we are on a diffenrt path at "this" very moment. Let me ask you this, you list all your attributes, which I have to admit, are very flattering, but how STRONG are you, can you be the pilar of strength when your children and your cheating husb need you to be there for them?? Just remember, you could be there one day. Then what?? You need to grow up and realize you are attracting MM for a reason, fear of commitment?.. are you weak?.. are you afraid of responsiblity?? I don't even speak to married men outside business. I didn't know this one was married until the last two months of a three year relationship. I wasn't having an affair as far as I knew. I found out when I had a parent die and couldn't find him and then I was grieving about a death and very upset and confused. He stopped returning my calls when I confronted him. He changed his number. (Isn't that craptastic? A man who isn't even around when you have a death to face and dumps you when you find out he's married in the middle of your parent just dying?) But it doesn't matter now: GOOD BYE to him, taa taa, so long farewell.... The point here is how to walk away. It takes refocusing thoughts. Our minds control our behavior(s), not our emotions (at least that is the way it should be!) Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted November 15, 2006 Share Posted November 15, 2006 puddleofmud, I'm glad that you have found your self esteem and are moving on. You do deserve better. I understand that your post is about you and what you have to offer and I wish you well. yousaveme, hey, how are you? I haven't been here in a while, things got busy, but I'm herenow! I'm not being mean, but I don't think the "You make me feel alive" thing is good for you. My H said this and we spent an hour on it in MC. What I learned about the "alive" feeling is that it's not a comment about you, the OW, it's about the MM and how he feels about himself. He needs something extra to make him feel alive. It's like his addiction. This is the same problem an alcoholic has. Or the drug addict that needs a fix to feel alive. If you were ever to become a couple, he would still need that something extra to feel "alive". He has his own problems that need to be fixed before he can be happy with anyone including his wife or you. Just a warning, this comment is very telling about your MM. Link to post Share on other sites
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