Don't know what route to take to get him back- ?

[gonetildecember]

I also posted in the Breakups section, not sure where it should go! but help!?

 

My ex and I broke up in June officially, we were dating since February. I’m 20 he’s 23. The reason for the break up was quite complicated- it involved his ex, someone stalking the both of us and trying to break us up (whom I still believe was his ex), and a lot of other drama. I will try to make it as simple as possible.

 

We officially ended in June 11th, 2006, when I found out he was still closely tied to his ex-girlfriend. Because of complications with her, and someone hacking into his mail and following us, he said we should take a break until everything got figured out.

 

Right after everything went down, we barely spoke, I still very much wanted to be together through everything despite all that had happened, while he wanted space to figure things out. He would not answer when I called barely responded to texts and would call sporadically.

 

On June 23rd, I found out that I was 5 weeks pregnant and we spoke over the phone about it, I told him that since we weren’t together it wasn’t a good idea that I keep it and I didn’t think that we should talk. He said he agreed. I was devastated and I thought we were over.

 

The next day I was out of town, and he texted saying he wanted to talk; I said ok, and he texted again and told me to call him, which I did. We generally talked about how I was feeling and casual stuff, like his day, and that was all.

 

When I tried to contact him few days later he went back to ignoring me, I would text or even try to call every few days with no response.

 

Finally on July 3rd he called and I said I wanted to meet him to talk everything through, he said ok to call him later, when I did. NO RESPONSE. I was pissed and left an angry message on his machine, calling him childish, immature and heartless.

 

At 6 in the morning he called the next day, we talked for about 3 and half hours about him not answering and just generally how things were going with us. He came to see me at around 10 and we talked and hung out for a few hours, and ended up having sex. Right after he left, he texted and said he didn’t think sex was a good idea, as we weren’t really together and it’s hard to separate sex from feelings when feelings are clearly there. I said fine, and once again tried to contact him every few days with no response.

 

On July 23rd I called him at 11pm after my first attempt at a date- I missed him all the way through it, he answered and said he would call back in a few minutes, he never did. In the morning on my way to work, he called and said he wanted to see me, he came down and I tried to act as nonchalant as possible, we ended up sleeping together again, but this time I did not bring up feelings, I even talked about my date.

 

The next day he texted me frantic wanting to know who I went on the date with, where and how long it took… eventually it got to him revealing that I could date whoever but that he wanted me to keep the baby! I was shocked and said we had to talk.

So began our twisted affiliation, we decided to give ourselves a few weeks to think about the baby, he became into things, calling at least once a day at first. We would see each other a few times a week, I would always hint that I wanted to be together, but kept it low key. Eventually we talked every few days, but usually always on his terms, if I called sometimes he answered otherwise he was the one calling. We decided we could not keep the baby just because I’m still in school and he works a lot, so on August 22nd, we had an abortion, he was there with me and was very supportive.

 

About a week later I got into a panic that this would change how he was with me and called him telling him I wanted to talk about “us”, he said to call him at 9, he didn’t pick up. I waited an hour and then texted him saying basically he’s an ass, not there when I need him. I was very heated, but his inconsistency was driving me crazy.

 

We went nearly 2 weeks without talking, I refused to call or text, Finally he called out of the blue ( I thought it was over), and said he missed me basically and wanted to know what was new, he came over and stayed the night, but mainly we ended up talking. I told him I was casually seeing someone else. For the next week or so he called everyday, came over maybe 3 times that week, all the while I kept telling him that since he wasn’t serious about getting back together I would continue seeing the other guy.

 

About two weeks later I broke down and whenever I would see him I would mention that I wanted him back and would stop talking to the other guy if he gave us a chance again, this pushed him away I could feel and we only talked about twice a week.

 

For the past month or so, we’ve talked about one or twice a week, seeing each other maybe once a week. On his terms again, he knows things are over with the other guy. He claims he isn’t with anyone, but he’s lied about it before, and I don’t know, I don’t know what could be holding him back.

 

What made me finally break is we just went 3 weeks without seeing each other, he called me once and asked if he could come visit I said yes, but he never showed up and didn’t call, I called that night with no response. Then I called Saturday he picked up and we made plans for Sunday- he didn’t call Sunday, I left him a message- no response.

 

Then on Thursday, I called him (blocked- lol) about 4 times, leaving no messages, I know he knew it was me, but said nothing, and called at 1:00 am, I went over and we talked, and basically once again throughout the night I harped on the fact that he isn’t around, and asked if he didn’t think I was good enough and so on. And he maintained that he wasn’t ready for a girlfriend- I think it’s because right before me he ended a relationship of 5 years and it was complicated, or maybe he’s just trying to spare my feelings by not telling me it’s over

 

I just don’t know how it’s possible for him to be around sometimes, disappear the next. He’s so into it when he’s here and I know he has a lot on his plate, he works 7 days a week 9-10 hours a day but he always found time in the past. I made it clear I was willing to wait until he was ready, but I know he also feels pressured because I subconsciously push him to make a decision.

 

I haven’t told him I loved him in a while, he said it last week and said he missed being my boyfriend, but this confuses me even more.

 

I was thinking of trying the NC thing, but I don’t know... anyone have any ideas? Insight? Perspective?

[magichands]

I suppose I would cut him out of my life. If he wants back in, then maybe you could give him another chance - but he doesn't sound very sure of what he wants.

 

At the moment he is keeping you hanging. He kind of has you right where he wants you - as a backup plan.

[gonetildecember]

Thanks for the response. Thats how I see it pretty much. I don't know sometimes he's so consistent with coming over, seeing me, etc., then others he doesnt call for days and says its work or whatever.

 

I'm hesitant to cut him off completely because I mean he is around- just not the way I want him to and I'm scared that if I do the NC thing I'll lose him all together? Does that make sense? Is it worth the risk? How often does NC actually work?

[magichands]

and I'm scared that if I do the NC thing I'll lose him all together?

Can you go on indefinitely just as you are? I think he is unlikely to change his ways.

 

So, in a way, you are wasting your love on him. Best to try for something a lot healthier. Of course it's not easy to do what's best for the long run, but I think you know what the deal is here.

[D-Lish]

Wow, that's a whole lot of heartbreak you have going on.

 

I'm sympathetic to your situation. Honestly? This guy sounds like a childish ass. All those mixed signals, reluctance to commit, sporadic support mixed with periods of indifference.... I can't imagine how confused and abandoned you must feel right now.

 

Would "no contact" be the best course of action in this situation? YES.

You are making yourself too available to someone who isn't worthy of your attention right now. He knows how you feel, he knows he can treat you with indifference, disappear and then come back, and you'll accept him.

The only way to get the upper hand in this situation is to cut him off.

 

Don't be available to him when he calls, don't reach out to him, no e-mails, nothing. He can't and won't make a decision with you being so readily available. And don't tell him you are cutting it off, you just have to go ahead and do it.

 

You know how crazy it made him feel to see you moving on? This will have the same impact. When he feels you slipping away and moving on, he will be forced to evaluate what he is missing. He can't miss you if you are always there.

 

Can you do this though? I know it's hard, easier said then done.

But you have to do something a little drastic here to get results.

 

I'd honestly love to suggest that you run screaming from this toxic person who has caused you so much heartache and treated you so crappy... But I also know what it's like to love someone so much that it hurts.

 

Yeah, maybe it's just that he's confused and just needs a little push to get his shyte together, but he'll need space in order to do that. I think it's obvious he cares for you, but he's not showing you much respect at the moment, nor was he supportive through your difficult time.

 

Force him to respect you and try walking away. It's hard to do, but either he'll come to his senses and work to get you back, or you'll move on and find someone who can give you the commitment you desire and deserve.

 

I don't think NC is the best advice for every broken situation... but it is most assuredly in your best interest to do it.

 

He's treating you really unfairly, please demand better for yourself.

You deserve it.

 

D

[Krying]

Hmm, I would leave this guy for good. To me, he appears to be playing you and I get the feeling he's got another person in his life. It's unacceptable to say he's going to contact or see you, then constantly not show up without even an explanation. As much as I'm sure you love him and want him back in your life, stop all contact for good with this guy. If he's serious, he'll do whatever it takes to get back in your life. Using excuses of previous relationships and not wanting a gf etc. is rubbish and it smells a mile away. Keep your chin up and move on.

[gonetildecember]

Wow, that's a whole lot of heartbreak you have going on.

.... I can't imagine how confused and abandoned you must feel right now.

 

D

 

Thanks so much for your response. I can agree he's childish and being a complete ass most of the time, but it's so hard to give up on something when you know how good it can be. Maybe for me that's the problem, if I stopped thinking about how good things used to be, maybe I would find the strength to leave. But I guess all there is left to do is to try the no contact thing. I've been really good about calling before, but as soon as he does I jump to answer the phone and see him because I miss him, and after a few days/weeks of us being really good and spending a lot of time together, it seems like I push him away with my excitement of the possibility of us reconciling.

 

A few minutes ago, I decided to make my last attempt before starting NC. I called and left a msg, as he didnt answer and basically said I was just calling to say hi, but that since I hadn't heard from him in a few days, I would wait til he had some time to talk. Usually even tho i've left messages like that before, I'll call a few days later, but this time.. hopefully.. i can stick to the no calling thing. I feel I have no option, as my persistance hasn't worked in the past.. hope it works.. i guess we'll see.

[gonetildecember]

In response to Krying, sometimes I feel theres someone else holding him back, which he always denies.. and i've told him, im fine with us being done, i just want him to clearly say that.. but he always says "he's confused" and continues to call and come over .. maybe its just the holding on in case nothing else comes along or maybe he does genuinely need some time... its so hard to read ppl sometimes.. especially when ur blinded by the fact that u want them back so badly.