Another porn thread? NOT~

[Guest]

Hi I am a surfing "guest" and thought I would post something just to know what you guys think or if there are any of you who think similarly the way I do.

 

I have been reading lots and lots and LOTS of posts about women feeling horrible/threatened/unloved about their men watching porn and/or masturbating to it, or cybering with other females, phone sex, strip clubs, what have you.

 

Though it may seem totally crazy to a lot of you, I don't have any issues with any of the above at all. Not a bit. I actually clump all of this stuff into one category: men's pleasure at looking at naked women/sex and getting aroused by it, not because they want the women, but they just like women's bodies and sex and they can totally desire and want their partners. I am sure a lot of you would disagree but that's how I think. I don't consider cybering with anonymous women threatening in any way unless it resorts to exchanging numbers and meeting up and getting "personal", I just view it as a more interactive form of porn (maybe since in my case my husband just seems to flirt with them not engage in cyber sex or anything and from what I have seen him do, the women on the camera don't even show their faces, just parts of their bodies (and not completely naked or anything). In the same way strip clubs, just see them as men going took at naked women dancing, although if more happens to go on I might get upset.

So in all of the above, none bothers me.

 

But when my husband starts getting close to a female friend (even when she's like 10 years younger than us, he's a late college goer) from class at school I get incredibly jealous and see red. I hate it that he talks to her all the time on MSN chat while I am out in the living room taking care of our 7 month baby. I hate that he calls her and she him, and when I discuss my uncomfortableness he tells me there's not that many other people from our country (we're foreign) and it;s nice to find someone who shares the same background and culture, he feels less alone, and who cares if it happens to be a girl. he doesn't see her as a GIRL, merely a good friend who he can turn to advice about his hw and projects and stuff. But I don't know why it eats away at me so much, and I hate HER for thinking it's totally ok to see and talk to a married man as often as she does....

 

The thing is, a lot of people view this as completely innocent and they think my values are very confusing to say the least. They would be so much more offended by the porn etc stuff that doesn't bother me in the least while their lovers befriending an opposite sex friend from school is nothing wrong and that I have trust issues. Maybe I do...

 

I guess it's just that I was raised in a way that for me anonymous porn stuff is just what it is anonymous, general, even interactive flirting/chatting, anonymous faceless women.

 

But to see an opposite sex friend on a daily basis, talk to her on a daily basis, sometimes seemingly more than his wife, who has to sleep on her baby's schedule so he's up late doing his hw, and so is said friend doing her HW and they end up chatting...he always says it;s just nice to have a friend of the same culture and country plus be in the same classes so they can help eachother with hw but can't he just leave it at a polite talk about hw and hi and bye. Why the chuckling and chatting?

I don't know if I were in his shoes and some guy wanted to be friends with me I'd keep my distance in respect to my husband.

 

Maybe I am just insecure. Maybe it's because I would never be comfortable interacting to that degree with a married man yet I can't understand why she's not uncomfortable...

 

That's just one example of many.

My husband can wank and do whatever he wants concerning porn and anything related to naked women and such, but when I find out he even remotely knows someone else female from everyday life such as work or school I can't stand it. I can't.

 

Can anyone help out analyzing my oh-so-strange feelings?

Or if anyone else feels this way?

 

More of curious post than anything else but it would be great to know..

Thanks for reading this long post!

[Ladyjane14]

I don't consider cybering with anonymous women threatening in any way unless it resorts to exchanging numbers and meeting up and getting "personal"....

 

The problem is, that more often than not... it does end up "getting personal". Those are REAL PEOPLE on the other side of your husband's keyboard. They have agendas of their own. They are not all benign computer-generated programs.

 

Be that as it may... the energy your husband expends on cyber women, and on nurturing a friendship with his classmate could be something that you're missing in YOUR relationship with him. How would your marriage be if he was investing more of his energy resources within the marriage?

 

I think it's okay for people to have separate interests, but I also think that the primary relationship must be fed and nurtured FIRST. If you're feeling lonely or threatened... he has perhaps not used his time and energy as wisely as he might otherwise have used them.

[CynicalP]

I am in total agreement with Ladyjane. Cybering, phone sex or frequenting a strip club involves way more interaction and personal investment in time and energy. Not only are you getting the stimulation by the other person you may be forming connective bonds as well. I think that is the danger of those activities. Who knows if the other person actively trying to seduce your husband has an ulterior motive.

 

Guest, your have every reason to be seeing red and feeling green with jealousy. Your H is crossing over the acceptable boundarys with interacting with a younger woman. While your liberal view on porn is interesting I think you have taking too lax of a stance here and may unwittingly giving him the persmission to continue his behavior.

[Jeffrey]

Porn == good.

 

Intreracting with other people behind your SO's back == Not good.

[Pink_Tulip]

I don't think there is a right and wrong when it comes to porn, it is what the couple mutually agrees is acceptable in the relationship. While I agree wholeheartedly with LJ and see many red flags in what you allow, if that is what you are comfortable with, I don't see any point in discussing it.

 

As for the 'friend,' I"d have serious issues too. Have you sat down and calmly talked to him about your feelings? Sometimes we women tend to get emotional over a topic right off the bat, and men immediately shut down and don't hear what we are saying. If you have come at him in that manner, he may just think you are being irrational and blown off all your concerns.

 

You need to very logically express your concerns and feelings. If you have done that and he still refuses to curtail the relationship, I'd be suspicious. If it is heading into an EA, he will do everything possible to justify the relationship and belittle you for your concern. You need to stop this before it starts. Also, if you all are foreign, she is probably feeling alone too and really enjoying the company of your H. I'd keep a close eye on the situation.

[norajane]

Maybe if you could articulate to him in a very simple, direct way how this is bothering you. Something like:

 

I feel that your close relationship with her takes away from our closeness, or could make you feel less close with me, less connected.

 

I feel that the time you spend chatting to her takes away from the time I'd like to spend with you, and the time I'd like you to spend with our daughter.

 

I feel threatened because she is younger and you have so much to talk to her about. I am worried that you find me less attractive after the baby, or less interesting to talk with.

 

I am afraid that this could lead to an affair.

 

Maybe he just really needs to "get it" how this is affecting you.

[Lennox]

It doesn't appear that porn has anything to do with your problem, so Im not even sure why you mentioned it. Are you trying to state that because you don't have a problem with porn that it means you have self esteem? Your tolerance for porn is not a gauge for your self esteem, it's the tolerance for this OW that is. You should NEVER fear telling your husband that something is completely unacceptable to you. Never cower away and allow a man to step all over your feelings. The only possible connection I can see with your situation and porn is that you are complacent with porn use therefore, he may think you'll put up with other stuff too. I don't know if this is your situation, but some guys...you give them an inch and they'll take a mile.

 

Your problem is that you fear your husband is having an emotional affair. He's talking to this woman DESPITE your uneasy feelings with it. That is a huge problem, in my opinion. Just who is more important, you or the other girl? Now if it was a male buddy he had, you probably wouldn't even think about it at all. He really shouldn't have any fear that you will force him to break off a friendship with a good male buddy that doesn't pose a threat to your relationship. Just the fact that this girl hasn't attempted to speak to you, expand the friendship to INCLUDE you, and alleviate any potential fears you have sounds off alarms to me.

 

Anything done in secret=bad!

Actions that hurt your spouse and you know it but do it anyway=bad!

 

You are going to have to be very P L A I N & S I M P L E in your explanations to him as to why he needs to cool it with this girl.