Want Second Chance

[phoenix21]

My ex broke up with me about close to 3 months ago and I want her back. We were together for 2 1/2 years, were engaged and even bought a condo together.

 

Here's the brief version if you don't want to continue reading. just go to the bottom.

 

relationship got flat

she lost her feelings

wanted to take a break to figure things out

i acted needy and i think i pushed her even further

broke up officially

got into arguments whenever we talked after that

decided to just leave her alone

she contacted me a week later to see how i was doing, even called my friend first and told him she missed me

showed up at my place crying saying she's not sure and she's confused

decided that i would move on until she figure things out

she contact my friend again to see how i was doing because i changed my number

called her a few days after that and went out with her, sorta on a date

again she was crying saying she's not sure what she really wants

same as before, decided that i would move on until she figure things out, even told her not contact me or check up on me

called her the next night to tell her how much she hurt me and how upset i was about everything that's happened

no contact for 2 weeks

then i saw her at church (go to bottom of thread)

 

 

 

The last few months of our relationship, she told me that our relationship was getting flat, but I didn't take it seriously. I was always worrying about the future. I guess I didn't think I could lose her. Well there was a couple of times in July when she wanted to take a break, but I told her that we didn't need to and everything was fine.

 

Then around the beginning of August, she told me that she started to talk to her former coworker more that she wanted me to know because she didn't think it was right. Within the next couple of weeks, she hung out with her friends and he was there. I know this guy liked her because I read something he put on MySpace.

 

Then one day, she said that she wanted to take a break. She said that she wasn't sure how she felt about me anymore. Now I don't think it was because of this other guy, but I think he made her really question our relationship. I think it was more that our relationship was getting boring and she lost her feelings for me. I was devastated and did the typical things. Told her that we can work things out, told her I loved her, sent her flowers, cried. Pretty much acted needy.

 

I found out that she was talking to this other guy a lot and would get upset. Told her to make a decision and at first she made her decision to work things out, but I didn't feel that was the right thing to do. Eventually we broke up around the end of August.

 

After that, whenever we talked I we would get into arguments, so at one point I told her that I would just leave her alone. When I did leave her alone, she called me a week after to see how I was doing. She called my friend first to see how I was doing and she told him that she missed me. I made it seem like I was busy. Then a couple of days, she came over and was crying. Told me she doesn't know how she feels, but I would give in to her and comfort her. she would hug me and I would hug her back. We even kissed. We made the decision that I would just move on until she figure things out for herself.

 

Then the week after, I got into a car accident and she called me to see if I was ok when she found out. I told her that I wanted to work things out and try again. told her that getting in to a car accident made me realize what I want because I was only a couple of seconds from something really bad happening. She said that she was surprised and she need to think about it. Talked to her a couple of days later and she said that she wanted me to move on because that's what she's trying to do. I said ok.

 

A little less than 2 weeks later, she called my friend again to check up on me. she was crying on the phone when she called him. she couldn't call me because I changed my number. My friend asked him if I sounded different the last time she talked to me. She said yes and he said that isn't that what she wanted, for me to be different (i'll get to this later). she said she didn't know.

 

I went to visit my friend and when I got back, I called her because my friend told me to tell her exactly how I feel, because I would always just say that I want to work things out. So I called her and we went out. She sounded excited to hear from me. So I decided to see how the date goes and not talk about things.

 

On our date, she wanted to talk about it. For most of the night, she was crying because she's confused and doesn't know what she wants. So I told her how I felt and we pretty much left it the same way when she came over. I'm going to move on until she figures things out. I even told her not to contact me or check up on me unless she wants to work things out. I also found out that night that she went on a date with that guy that likes her. The next night, I called her really late because I was really upset. I told her how much she hurt me and told her everything i felt about the situation.

 

I did not talk to her for 2 weeks after that and she showed up at my church. Now she told me that she was going to another church after we broke up. We only went to that church because the church she went to before was in a different language that i didn't understand. I also know that she was doing some translation thing for this church, but I don't think she has to do it and I think she could say no.

 

When I saw her, I just smiled and waved hi. When we were leaving, she was waiting. She said hi, noticed that i got a haircut. I said hi and kinda just said bye right after. She didn't look happy when I was driving by her car. it was a little awkward on the way home because she was right behind me. we live in the same direction. that night, she text message me and asked about my sister. i just ignored it because it wasn't important what she was asking. i think she wanted to get a response from me because I wasn't really responsive at church.

 

This past sunday, I saw her again at church when I was leaving. She was sitting 2 rows behind me. I smiled and waved hi. when i was walking out, she was waiting. i don't know if she was waiting for me. i said hi to her. we were standing in the entrance area and people were leaving, so i started to move back and she would ask me, "you're gonna go?" told her that i wanted to get out of people's way so we moved to a corner. she asked how i'm doing, about how my family's doing. told her their fine. i asked about her family. then i started to move back a little, so she asked me again "you're gonna go?". I told her that i have to be somewhere.

 

what do you think she's trying to do?

 

Since our breakup, I've taken dance classes, read a lot of books, and even seen a psychologist. I've learned a lot since then and I know that I'm different now. One of the problems with the relationship was that I was always trying to be appeasing to her and let her do want she wanted. I also wasn't assertive enough.

 

I realized my faults and I know I can make things work. I just want a second chance. How much more NC do you think I should do before contacting her. I've read about how I need to attract her again, but I first need to leave her alone for at least a month.

 

what do you guys think? Please help, I really love this girl.

[D-Lish]

Hmmm,

 

It's obvious she's really confused. But you haven't really done the no contact yet. Not for a significant amount of time.

 

Thought about bringing a female friend with you to church? Make it look like a date? I know that's playing it dirty...

 

Everytime you see her she tells you how confused she is. So, she hasn't had the time or space to figure it all out. I'd stop calling, don't return her calls, and don't acknowledge her with anything more than a nod at church. You need to appear like you are moving on.

 

Act like you are having a great time without her. When you see her, smile a lot (not in her direction). You need to pretend you don't notice she is there. If she tries to talk to you, tell her you can't talk at the moment because you have plans.

 

It's hard to do... but she's jerking you around right now. If it's space she wants, you have to give it to her- and she needs to stop contacting you and messing with your emotions.

 

No contact has to be for at least a couple months to have impact.

D

[phoenix21]

Hi D-Lish,

 

I don't know how confused she is, but I know she is somewhat confused. I also know from talking to her before, she's scared because she knows she's taking a big risk. The last time I called her and told her everything about how she really hurt me, I decided to just leave her alone for a while. Strict NC. I didn't call her or anything until she showed up at church the last 2 weeks.

 

I think she's checking up on me and I think she might just want to remind me that she's there so I don't forget about her. I don't think she wants me to move on until she's sure. She knew how much I loved her even after the breakup, so I don't think she really believes she can lose me. Why get back with me now if I'll always be there right? I think she probably thinks I'll be around and that's why I know NC is so important. I just wished I did the NC thing right after we broke up instead of doing the typical things people do.

 

I've thought about bringing another girl to church with me, but I don't know anyone to bring with me. If I do bring someone, I want to bring someone very attractive. I've even thought about posting a blog just saying, "do you believe in love at first sight?" just to scare her. I just don't know if i want to be manipulative. I think it's not that bad as long as it's not too obvious.

 

Thanks D-Lish

Phoenix

[D-Lish]

Well, One thing's for sure... she's sniffing around again, and there is definetely a reason for that.

 

Sometimes people do it out of guilt, it's hard to tell at this point why she wants to re-initiate contact. But something's up.

 

You gotta Myspace page?

Me and a couple hot female friends of mine could post on yer site!

nothing obnoxious or obvious... maybe post a "hey, you're cute" remark on bulletin or something? Or is that devious?

I have tricks up my sleeve!

 

Keep up with the no contact. And just act happy with yourself and around others everytime you see her. believe me, people are never truly sure of how you feel. She can easily be made to believe you are moving on. That's the emotion you want to inspire... that panic that maybe you are forgetting about her.

 

It works...especially if there are still feelings there... and I think it's obvious there is.

D

[phoenix21]

Thanks D-Lish

 

I do have a MySpace, but haven't been on it for a while. I use to go on it right after we broke up and see what's going on with her. For a while, she didn't change things on MySpace or Friendster, and what I saw her change her status or took our pictures off, I was devastated. Haven't been on there since.

 

Now I don't know if that devious, but that has cross my mind. Maybe you could put something like, "it was nice meeting you last weekend when me and my friends were in LA. I really thought you were the guy from Linkin Park. (I kinda look like Mike Shinoda) We had a lot of fun that night. All my friends thought you were so cute. If you ever come up to Canada, let me know, I'll take you around!!!" I'll let you know if I want you to do it.

 

I read somewhere that you have to build the attraction up again after a period of NC. It says to have NC for a month, work on yourself in all aspects of life, then contact her to go for a cup of coffee or something and build that attraction up. That's what I'm trying to figure out. If I just want to go that route or complete NC route. I think I might try NC for a while longer and then decide.

 

Thanks for your advise, especially your ideas!!

[ImInPain]

Strict NC... Don't give in! Don't put a time limit on it just do it. She is using you like a doormat until the other guy pans out. Don't put yourself out there for her, she is not putting herself out there for you. As for the other girl thing not sure it works. Mine found out through her best friend that I was at a bar with a hot girl hanging all over me and it didn't make her call. That was a month and a half ago. I am 2 months into NC and it sucks. Love is two sided and you cannot put in all the effort and get nothing in return. I know it hurts believe me. I am there and not doing real well but you will get better. Make yourself more attractive if not for her for someone else. Also do it for you. No one wants a mope and bummer hanging around. NO GIRL FINDS THAT ATTRACTIVE. As for the other guy he's not you and she will realize that. Good luck to him. He is a rebound guy anyway and won't last. Good luck stay strong and do things for you.

[D-Lish]

Thanks D-Lish

Now I don't know if that devious, but that has cross my mind. Maybe you could put something like, "it was nice meeting you last weekend when me and my friends were in LA. I really thought you were the guy from Linkin Park. (I kinda look like Mike Shinoda) We had a lot of fun that night. All my friends thought you were so cute. If you ever come up to Canada, let me know, I'll take you around!!!" I'll let you know if I want you to do it.

quote]

 

Well, I'll totally do it if you'd like me to!!

I've got a lot of tricks up my sleeve!

 

NC is a good idea for now.

For some reason, people really do want what they think they can't have.

 

If you appear like you don't want her back, it will get her thinking about you. It's strange, I know~ but it works that way somehow.

 

You seem to be doing pretty well with the NC!

I was bad at not contacting my ex. I slipped up and sent a couple "I miss you" e-mails. I have been good for three weeks though, but the urge to contact him is back again.

 

Lemme know if you want me to post on yer myspace!

D

[phoenix21]

Hi D-Lish,

 

You have to fight that urge. Trust me, I have the same urges many times. When you have those urges, try to call someone else or do something to distract yourself. I know it's hard, but it must be done.

 

I went out with one of my coworkers last night. It wasn't really a date because there were a few of us. We went to a kareoke place and had a lot of fun. I flirted with her most of the time. It was great. Then when the night is over, I get home and reality hits. I started to think about her. I don't want to get into any relationship right now, but I think some casual dating will help.

 

I've done better with the NC because I know that it's my only chance if I ever want her back. I've done the pleading and that doesn't work. And if she doesn't come back, NC gives me time to heal. I know it's easier said than done because once you bump into your ex, all of your emotions creeps back up. We'll see what happens. LS has been great. I will keep you posted and I'll let you know about the MySpace thing. Thanks for helping, if there's anything that I can do to help you, just let me know.

 

Phoenix

[phoenix21]

It was one of those days when I wanted to contact her. It's hard because I'm a hopeful person. Sometimes I have these fantasies of us getting back together. I know I shouldn't, but sometimes I can't help it.

 

She didn't show up to church today and it makes me think, did she want me to say something last week when she did show up and I didn't? I don't know. I hate this guessing game.

 

I know what I have to do, but it's just so hard at times. One minute you're doing perfectly fine and the next you're down again. I just want to climb up a mountain and scream at the top of my lungs.

 

Sometimes I think that my ex is one of those people that if she thinks that I've moved on and even if she wanted me back, she wouldn't make an attempt. It's hard because you don't want to screw up because you feel like you have one chance left.

 

As I'm writing this, my ex just logged on to AIM, which she hardly does. She's usually using MSN. I'm using my new sn that she doesn't have. A couple of weeks ago, she did the same thing for a few days and logged on to AIM. One time when I saw her on my new SN, I signed off and logged on to my old SN. Waited a couple of minutes and logged off my old sn and signed back on to my new SN. She signed off right after. This is right before she showed up to church the first time.

 

Is she looking for me online???

[gonetildecember]

It was one of those days when I wanted to contact her. It's hard because I'm a hopeful person. Sometimes I have these fantasies of us getting back together. I know I shouldn't, but sometimes I can't help it.

 

She didn't show up to church today and it makes me think, did she want me to say something last week when she did show up and I didn't? I don't know. I hate this guessing game.

 

I know what I have to do, but it's just so hard at times. One minute you're doing perfectly fine and the next you're down again. I just want to climb up a mountain and scream at the top of my lungs.

 

Sometimes I think that my ex is one of those people that if she thinks that I've moved on and even if she wanted me back, she wouldn't make an attempt. It's hard because you don't want to screw up because you feel like you have one chance left.

 

As I'm writing this, my ex just logged on to AIM, which she hardly does. She's usually using MSN. I'm using my new sn that she doesn't have. A couple of weeks ago, she did the same thing for a few days and logged on to AIM. One time when I saw her on my new SN, I signed off and logged on to my old SN. Waited a couple of minutes and logged off my old sn and signed back on to my new SN. She signed off right after. This is right before she showed up to church the first time.

 

Is she looking for me online???

 

 

I don't know if she's looking for you online, or if its just moer of the game playing.. but the same thing happened to me

 

On Monday my ex logged on to MSN which he rarely does.. and said "hey".. i wasn't at my computer, so he just said lol and logged off a few minutes after I noticed.

 

He came on today and didnt say a word, i logged off and back in to see if that would make a difference.. he logged off five minutes after.. I don't know if its purposely.. but the wondering drives me crazy.

 

I understand what you mean when you say you don't know if you're doing the right thing.. and if your lack of effort will make them feel you aren't interested... I'm scared that my ex will attribute my lack of calling to disinterest and just not try either..

 

Today was a lot harder for me seeing him log off and log on.. Unfortunately I too hold on to hope that things will work out, despite all the drama that has occured (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t104325/).. its so hard to let go when you want it so bad..and all the little things that they do make you think... what if..

 

Stay Strong, you're doing good.. as hard as it is.

[Eric102]

dude i am going through the same phase. Best thing to do is look your best and keep yourself busy all the time. or atleast do good acting. when you start meeting other women and they pursue you thas when your ex will come back.

 

People don't know what they have till its gone. Yes she is logging on to see you online, basically you guys don't know who has the upper hand. Make sure she chases or else. Make sure its for the right reasons.

[phoenix21]

I know I have to make sure it's for the right reason if she does come back. I want the reason to be because she wants to be with me and nobody else not because her other option didn't work out.

 

I know I love this girl. It's hard because I want her to see this new side of me. The more adventurous side. I'm learning all these other things and my whole perspective on life is different. I have to admit, I was too focus on the future and I didn't see what was in front of me.

 

You want your ex to see that you're not the same person, but the problem is, how do you get them to see that with NC??

[Eric102]

you wait, think of it as a game you have to be very patient and calm. In this period if you talk to her she will start annoying you. Watch with NC you will see wat you saw in her. I know its tough but that is part of life. I know your probably dying to show them your new look and personality. But we can only show them so much. If they don't come back what can we do about it.

 

Nothing works like a movie. But don't sweat it or think about it. Just be yourself and learn from mistakes thas all that needs to be done. She will see that later on. They all come back one way or another u just have to let go of them.

[phoenix21]

Today was a really bad day for me. I so wanted to call her, but I knew that it wouldn't do me any good. At least I've learned from the past because I probably would've called if it was 6 weeks ago. I don't know what it is exactly. Whether it's because the holidays coming up or it would've been one of our anniversaries tomorrow. I don't know. Maybe it's because I thought she would have come around by now.

 

I'm just frustrated because it's so hard to do the NC. You have these urges and you have to control them.

 

How much more can I take??

[D-Lish]

You're doing really well P!

 

Yes, I do think she is logging in and out in order to make her display name remind you of her- hoping you'll reach out. Don't do it! No matter what!

 

Block her if you have to. My ex deleted me from MSN the moment we broke up, and it devastated me, made me want him more than ever.

 

Rejection = I can't have them

I can't have them = I want them

I want them = crazy town.

 

That is the situation you want to inspire. That's how you feel right?

Take the initiative and do the rejecting by blocking her from all your IM's. No body handles rejection well. This will give you the upper hand, make you feel empowered...and also, you won't have to see her name and be reminded of her everytime she logs in.

 

Trust me, I didn't even know just how much I loved my ex until he rejected me. Then the longing and pain kicked in and my emotions went to crazy town wanting him back.

 

If nothing else- it removes you from the situation and helps you to move on if it's not meant to be.

 

Then do something positive and gratifying for yourself. Accomplishing something can make a world of difference with your confidence. Start a new project, get a gym membership, join a group, learn a new language... it doesn't matter what it is. If you go to church, throw yourself into something there. The whole point is to replace the wallowing and pain with something positive and fruitful that you can be proud of. Think our exes won't hear or notice? They do and will.

 

D

[phoenix21]

Hi D-Lish,

 

I've done much better due to the fact that I know that this is something that I need to do. I do have my moments just like everyone else. I also know that if she doesn't come back, it's her lost. I'm confident that I'm a great guy and although I made some mistakes in the past, I've learned from them and it's made me a better person.

 

Whether we end up together or not, one day she'll see that I'm everything that she's ever wanted in a guy.

 

How are you doing with your situation?