A case study in NC- for some who need some motivation

[gonetildecember]

Although right now I'm going through a situation where i'm really hesitant to do NC because I'm scared it'll make things work, it did sort of work out for me once.. for those who need some inspiration.

 

About two years ago I broke up with my ex of 2 and a half years. I was 16 when we met, and he was a year older, and we were basically each others first REAL relationship. We were extremely close to each other and each others families, to the point where we saw each other daily and spoke on the phone when we werent together.

 

It got to a point where he became really shady and was around but we barely spoke, it was like it was routine. Well out of the blue he tells me he wants to try "going away for a bit" so that he can realise what he has/miss me again- so that he'll want to put effort into our relationship... i was DEVASTATED and agreed relectantly. Eventually I started the paranoid calling everyday, to the point where he started ignoring me because I wasnt giving him the space he desired.

 

Anyways it got to the point where he would no longer answer, without really knowing about the whole NC concept, I was forced in to it, and did not call.. I thought he really wanted to leave and was afraid to tell me.

 

So a few months passed of me doing my no contact, until one day he called- it turned out he was ready to come back- and I finally had what i wanted.

 

But you know what, by that point, I had realised SO much. I didnt need him, I was happy on my own, I started to think about how our closeness made me realise I didnt get to live my life.. my NC period made me realise it was time for both of us to move on. And I didnt go back to him, despite how much I had prayed for the day he would come back

 

Its been about 2 years since this happend.. and except for one near relapse lol ive never regretted not going back...

 

It isn't as easy for me to do this in my current situation- for some reason I can shake this one as easy as I did that, but at least it shows it works sometimes..

[ReluctantRomeo]

Good story.

 

And well done - keep going

[freckles3131]

Yes.

I feel NC does one of two things....

1) It allows you time to "find yourself" which thus, in turn puts you in a more "healthy/objective/self-confident" place should they at some point try to re-enter your life.

2) It allows you time to take off the rose colored glasses and SEE if they were truly right for you in the first place and if not....allows you the time and space to heal and move forward.

[freckles3131]

Funny thing is....it always seems to happen that way...."once you move on, get a backbone, see the light, gain some confidence and self-worth" that they then come back....

Perhaps just the showing of your self-worth in itself is enough to make the person go...."hmm...wait a minute" as opposed to the constant calling, crying, nagging, low self-esteem, low self worth etc...that people seem to do and which will push people far, far away......

Self-worth, self-respect, confindence makes for a much more "attractive" mate then a groveling, sniffling, whining, self-disrespecting, needy, desperate individual....

[pjammer]

Funny thing is....it always seems to happen that way...."once you move on, get a backbone, see the light, gain some confidence and self-worth" that they then come back....

Perhaps just the showing of your self-worth in itself is enough to make the person go...."hmm...wait a minute" as opposed to the constant calling, crying, nagging, low self-esteem, low self worth etc...that people seem to do and which will push people far, far away......

Self-worth, self-respect, confindence makes for a much more "attractive" mate then a groveling, sniffling, whining, self-disrespecting, needy, desperate individual....

Can NC still work if you have already dont the 'crying, nagging, calling, etc' ? I found myself doing those things, and she didnt want any part of it. Now, I woke up, and have been in NC for almost 3 weeks.

[gonetildecember]

Can NC still work if you have already dont the 'crying, nagging, calling, etc' ? I found myself doing those things, and she didnt want any part of it. Now, I woke up, and have been in NC for almost 3 weeks.

 

 

I hope so, I've been doing it for the past few weeks or so with mixed reception... but finally it seems to be going nowhere... hopefully i haven't already pushed too far.. what does anyone think?

[freckles3131]

3 weeks of NC after the begging, groveling, pleading? Nope. It would take alot longer amt. of time....months....maybe never....

BUT, You need to SHOW by doing the NC that you are happy, healthy, moving on, have some self-respect, aren't a needy, dysfunctional mess. No one will believe that after a few short weeks.

For me it took 3 months....of ABSOLUTE NO CONTACT and we are now together and going on our ONE year anniversary. (I was the dumpee) I swear I was one step away from being gone, gone, gone and BAM.......I had done the begging, pleading, "accidental emails", the calls for any excuse under the sun, "Do you have my ___ CD?" "I need to buy tires, I know you know alot about that, can you offer an suggestions" whatever I could come up with....FINALLY....I stopped. Stopped all of it. Pretended he fell of the face of the earth....ran into him on occasion, was business-like, pleasant, but no more than a min. or two for conversation, always smiling, happy go lucky, and eventually actually FELT it....Felt okay, was good being alone etc..etc...after this great feeling for 3 months. (apart for almost 2 yrs....) He called me, I didn't call right back. Then when I did, he "wanted to talk" I said "I have alot on my plate, can I get back to you?" Then waited 2 days, I called him back...He wanted to see me THAT night, I "had plans" (didn't really, but wanted to show I was not desperate to get back (and really I wasn't...by this point I was happy, healthy, in a good place) and when we finally did talk a week later....I let HIM do ALL the talking and made sure he was 100% into it and not wishy washy......100% or NOTHING....and he was. And still is to this day.....

No contact works for alot of things, but to especially get you in the right frame of mind, like I said to be objective, not needy, desperate, okay in your own skin, happy with YOU, not NEEDING someone......to make you happy, but making YOURSELF happy...

But, this is only my experience....alot depends on what happened between the couple....(there was no cheating etc...in our relationship..) so only you can decide...but, for now...NC to find...............YOU!

[Kelso]

Pjammer...

 

It depends on the relationship, but I don't think three weeks are enough time after nagging, crying and everything.

 

In my case - we broke up four weeks ago, it was a mutual breakup although she initiated it. For the first week I called her maybe 3 times. I went to her house drunk (she was drunk too), but she wasn't happy too see me. I sent her an e-mail two day later and apologized for my behaviour. She accepted it and told me not to worry.

 

Then I decided to give her a little space and decided not to call her for a while. The "while" lasted for 2 and a half weeks, but I decided few days earlier that I was gonna call her on that particular day. I had thought about what I was gonna talk about and stuff. Then I called her and was relaxed and secure. She sounded happy to hear from me and even skipped the first 15 minutes of her favorite TV program to talk to me. Then I ended the conversation and told her that I had to do some homework. I put myself in charge by ending the phonecall. I'm so happy that she was glad to hear from me.

 

I'm not gonna call her for a little while now - I have my exams starting and she has a lot to do at work. There wouldn't be much time for us being together anyway. So I'm just gonna lay low for the next few weeks and see if she calls me. It helped me a lot to call her and see that I still have a slim chance. I used to look at her myspace 20 times a day ... but now I can concentrate on work and school and think about her in the evening.

 

If you're gonna call her:

* Think it through what you're gonna talk about.

* Don't talk about the relationship.

* Be secure

* Be the one ending the phonecall

* Laugh a lot and let her feel how busy you've been lately (without telling her)

* Don't talk about the relationship...I can't emphasize this enough.

* Give her other 2-3 weeks before you call her again.

 

Of course every situation is unique. I'm so glad that I found LS so soon, otherwise I might have done the calling, begging and crying thing for few weeks and therefore destroyed my chances.

 

Hope everything works out great for you.

[pjammer]

3 weeks of NC after the begging, groveling, pleading? Nope. It would take alot longer amt. of time....months....maybe never....

BUT, You need to SHOW by doing the NC that you are happy, healthy, moving on, have some self-respect, aren't a needy, dysfunctional mess. No one will believe that after a few short weeks.

For me it took 3 months....of ABSOLUTE NO CONTACT and we are now together and going on our ONE year anniversary. (I was the dumpee) I swear I was one step away from being gone, gone, gone and BAM.......I had done the begging, pleading, "accidental emails", the calls for any excuse under the sun, "Do you have my ___ CD?" "I need to buy tires, I know you know alot about that, can you offer an suggestions" whatever I could come up with....FINALLY....I stopped. Stopped all of it. Pretended he fell of the face of the earth....ran into him on occasion, was business-like, pleasant, but no more than a min. or two for conversation, always smiling, happy go lucky, and eventually actually FELT it....Felt okay, was good being alone etc..etc...after this great feeling for 3 months. (apart for almost 2 yrs....) He called me, I didn't call right back. Then when I did, he "wanted to talk" I said "I have alot on my plate, can I get back to you?" Then waited 2 days, I called him back...He wanted to see me THAT night, I "had plans" (didn't really, but wanted to show I was not desperate to get back (and really I wasn't...by this point I was happy, healthy, in a good place) and when we finally did talk a week later....I let HIM do ALL the talking and made sure he was 100% into it and not wishy washy......100% or NOTHING....and he was. And still is to this day.....

No contact works for alot of things, but to especially get you in the right frame of mind, like I said to be objective, not needy, desperate, okay in your own skin, happy with YOU, not NEEDING someone......to make you happy, but making YOURSELF happy...

But, this is only my experience....alot depends on what happened between the couple....(there was no cheating etc...in our relationship..) so only you can decide...but, for now...NC to find...............YOU!

your story gives me some confidence..I made the mistakes of 'begging, pleading, reasoning, crying, etc.' NC for about 3 weeks now, and I have to tell you, it is hard. Our situations are reveresed - I am a guy, but still the dumpee. I know I love her so much, which is why I was so 'desperate' at first. But then, after coming on here, I realized that I was taking the wrong approach.

 

I needed to take time to myself, to correct my own mistakes that led to the break-up in the first place. There was no cheating, no abuse or anything. I just was dishonest with her, and showed her a side of me that isnt really me, and that I have left in the past. But you are right - you have to work on yourself before even trying to get back together. Frankly, it wouldnt be fair to either person if mistakes werent corrected because they would probably happen all over again.

 

Personally, I dont know if I can go 2-3 months of NC with her, given the holidays are approaching, I figured I would get in touch with her in early DEC depending on how I am feeling. Each day is different - one day I will be fine, but still think about her. Others, I will break down and cry for a bit. But I am doing my best to concentrate on myself. I write music, play guitar, and I have written 3 songs in the 6 short weeks since we broke up. I want desperately for her to hear them, and hopefully she will once the time is right. I just really hope I get that chance...

[pjammer]

Pjammer...

 

It depends on the relationship, but I don't think three weeks are enough time after nagging, crying and everything.

 

In my case - we broke up four weeks ago, it was a mutual breakup although she initiated it. For the first week I called her maybe 3 times. I went to her house drunk (she was drunk too), but she wasn't happy too see me. I sent her an e-mail two day later and apologized for my behaviour. She accepted it and told me not to worry.

 

Then I decided to give her a little space and decided not to call her for a while. The "while" lasted for 2 and a half weeks, but I decided few days earlier that I was gonna call her on that particular day. I had thought about what I was gonna talk about and stuff. Then I called her and was relaxed and secure. She sounded happy to hear from me and even skipped the first 15 minutes of her favorite TV program to talk to me. Then I ended the conversation and told her that I had to do some homework. I put myself in charge by ending the phonecall. I'm so happy that she was glad to hear from me.

 

I'm not gonna call her for a little while now - I have my exams starting and she has a lot to do at work. There wouldn't be much time for us being together anyway. So I'm just gonna lay low for the next few weeks and see if she calls me. It helped me a lot to call her and see that I still have a slim chance. I used to look at her myspace 20 times a day ... but now I can concentrate on work and school and think about her in the evening.

 

If you're gonna call her:

* Think it through what you're gonna talk about.

* Don't talk about the relationship.

* Be secure

* Be the one ending the phonecall

* Laugh a lot and let her feel how busy you've been lately (without telling her)

* Don't talk about the relationship...I can't emphasize this enough.

* Give her other 2-3 weeks before you call her again.

 

Of course every situation is unique. I'm so glad that I found LS so soon, otherwise I might have done the calling, begging and crying thing for few weeks and therefore destroyed my chances.

 

Hope everything works out great for you.

Well I am glad that I realized that the begging, pleading, etc. wasnt going to work before it may have been too late. But 2 things are kinda working against me - she lives 1 1/2 hours away, and she's 31 (im 23). Age never seemed to be a problem except for the fact that she has been established in a job for 8-9 years, and I just graduated college in December. One thing she kinda pushed on me WAS to get a full-time job, which I was working on, but I could have done more. I took her advice as nagging, which was so stupid. Now, I DO have a full-time job, which I am happy about, as I am sure she will be happy to hear.

 

But I cant just 'run into' her, given she is over an hour away. But right now, I am going to keep in NC, hope that she does call me, but if not, I will see where I am at in about 2-3 weeks, and call her, using what you said above to talk about, and have my mind clear and set on what I want to talk about. Like you and others on here have said, DO NOT talk about the relationship unless she brings it up first. Frankly, I just hope that I get to talk with her. I dont know why she wouldnt be open to talking with me. It wasnt like she said she never wanted to talk.see me again. She even said that she cant predict the future, and that we might reconnect later on. I am not sure what that meant, but it looks as though I still have some hope if I just play my cards right.

[freckles3131]

If you do call her for the holidays or whatever, stick to your plan. Keep it light, simple and short.

"Hi, just calling to wish you happy holidays" and that's it. Then take some more time off, try not thinking "will she call" Pretend she moved away.

I have been on the other side of the coin as well. (as the dumper) and I can tell you this.....It was nothing besides ANNOYING hearing from him when I truly didn't want to esp. in the first 2 months of our break-up...almost every attempt made to contact me made me just roll my eyes with annoyance....now if he did NC with me for 2 months, then and only then would I even contemplated the thought that "he might truly be trying to work on himself and not sitting around waiting/pineing away for me" Only when I saw he was taking the very much needed time for HIMSELF to figure his stuff out, did I take a second glance....but him calling me did NADA other than push me further away....(just to keep it real for you and from a woman's perspective having been on that side of things...)

Again, not the same in all cases, but in most.

[pjammer]

If you do call her for the holidays or whatever, stick to your plan. Keep it light, simple and short.

"Hi, just calling to wish you happy holidays" and that's it. Then take some more time off, try not thinking "will she call" Pretend she moved away.

I have been on the other side of the coin as well. (as the dumper) and I can tell you this.....It was nothing besides ANNOYING hearing from him when I truly didn't want to esp. in the first 2 months of our break-up...almost every attempt made to contact me made me just roll my eyes with annoyance....now if he did NC with me for 2 months, then and only then would I even contemplated the thought that "he might truly be trying to work on himself and not sitting around waiting/pineing away for me" Only when I saw he was taking the very much needed time for HIMSELF to figure his stuff out, did I take a second glance....but him calling me did NADA other than push me further away....(just to keep it real for you and from a woman's perspective having been on that side of things...)

Again, not the same in all cases, but in most.

Well its nice to get a woman's perspective on this. But what is worse, I had already gotten all of her gifts for the holidays, and still have them. So I dont know what to do with them. But I will take your advice, keep in NC, work on myself, and hopefully she will notice, and want to see if I have changed.

[Kelso]

Freckles: May I ask. In your case as a dumper. Was there any crying, nagging, calling and stuff like that from his side? Can you tell us a little more of your story, just to know how we are not supposed to act.

 

Pjammer: Our situations sound very much alike. Althought the breakup was a mutual agreement in my relationship, I felt a lot more like a dumpee than she did I guess. She's a little older than me, I'm 23 she is 25. I'm in college and she has a full time job.

 

In our case, we decided to split up. She told me that she needed space and didn't want to be in a relationship - not with me, not with anyone. She also told me that she cares a lot about me, which I believe is true. In the beginning I thought she had left me for another guy, well she didn't. I confronted her and she said no. When we broke up, she said she needed more time and space. When she said that I just laughed inside and thought "time for what??". I have now realised that she was so right. I just didn't realise that I needed time for myself. Now, four weeks later, I have a much sharper image in my head of what I was really looking for in this relationship. I guess she still needs time, that's okay by me.

 

For the first three weeks of our relationship, I did a mistake. I did the mistake of overanalysing things. I thought constantly about her. I checked her myspace 20 times a day. When I knew she finished her work, I spent maybe half an hour thinking about what she was gonna do tonight. When I drove home from school, I drove past her office, just to see her car. I have realised that it doesn't do me good to think of her constantly and you probably have realised too.

 

But just remember, when you finally call her. Be ready, be calm, don't talk about the relationship and most important of all...be open and fun.

 

But off course, don't get your hopes up too high. That's ground rule #1.

 

Good luck

[pjammer]

Freckles: May I ask. In your case as a dumper. Was there any crying, nagging, calling and stuff like that from his side? Can you tell us a little more of your story, just to know how we are not supposed to act.

 

Pjammer: Our situations sound very much alike. Althought the breakup was a mutual agreement in my relationship, I felt a lot more like a dumpee than she did I guess. She's a little older than me, I'm 23 she is 25. I'm in college and she has a full time job.

 

In our case, we decided to split up. She told me that she needed space and didn't want to be in a relationship - not with me, not with anyone. She also told me that she cares a lot about me, which I believe is true. In the beginning I thought she had left me for another guy, well she didn't. I confronted her and she said no. When we broke up, she said she needed more time and space. When she said that I just laughed inside and thought "time for what??". I have now realised that she was so right. I just didn't realise that I needed time for myself. Now, four weeks later, I have a much sharper image in my head of what I was really looking for in this relationship. I guess she still needs time, that's okay by me.

 

For the first three weeks of our relationship, I did a mistake. I did the mistake of overanalysing things. I thought constantly about her. I checked her myspace 20 times a day. When I knew she finished her work, I spent maybe half an hour thinking about what she was gonna do tonight. When I drove home from school, I drove past her office, just to see her car. I have realised that it doesn't do me good to think of her constantly and you probably have realised too.

 

But just remember, when you finally call her. Be ready, be calm, don't talk about the relationship and most important of all...be open and fun.

 

But off course, don't get your hopes up too high. That's ground rule #1.

 

Good luck

Yea, Ive realized that by constantly worrying about her, and trying to see what she is doing is NOT doing me any good. She said a lot fo the same things to me when we broke up. And of course, I know I cant get my hopes up, and there is no reason to. Right now, the odds obviously arent in my favor. But I am just myself again, I think she might see what she initially saw in me to begin with. And on an added point, SHE was the one who approached me to go out in the first place. To be honest, I was a little intimidated by her. Granted, she is 8 years older, and she is beautiful (this is both of us together at a Pearl Jam concert - http://i20.photobucket.com/albums/b201/all4pearljam/Pearl%20Jam%2006/medani-1.jpg)

 

But I know for right now, I have to stay positive, do what is best for ME, work on my mistakes, and just live. And when I am ready to call her, like all of you guys have said, I will know.

[SassyNClassy]

PJammer said

 

"It wasnt like she said she never wanted to talk.see me again. She even said that she cant predict the future, and that we might reconnect later on. I am not sure what that meant, but it looks as though I still have some hope if I just play my cards right".

 

Would any of you guys say this to a girl you were breaking up with just to ease her pain? Like, if you knew that she was in love with you and you were breaking her heart so you just said it because you didn't know what else to say...even if you had no intentions of ever getting back together with her.

 

My boyfriend said the same thing to me, so I was just wondering if this is just something people say when they're breaking up with someone. Any replies would be appreciated!

[freckles3131]

Freckles: May I ask. In your case as a dumper. Was there any crying, nagging, calling and stuff like that from his side? Can you tell us a little more of your story, just to know how we are not supposed to act.

 

While the "dumper" I did "still have feelings for him" Like, "I care, we have a history, but......didn't feel we should be together anymore"

I mean...of course most dumpers will still "have feelings" BUT.....for whatever reason feel the relationship should not continue at this time. Does that mean it will NEVER happen again with this person....that's an individual feeling, but if the dumper is saying "I need time, I need space" That means...don't contact them......respect their wishes...don't call....let them breathe, let them think, let them move on if that is what they want, BUT....by calling, contacting when they are saying, "I need space, time, to be alone, to......whatever" You are NOT respecting their wishes by "bugging" them....which in turn will only do one thing...push them away and p#ss them off.....

Regardless of feelings, non-feelings whatever the dumper may or may not be feeling.....you need to respect their choice.....if down the road/time away from you opens their eyes...then so be it, but it ain't gonna happen by you calling, emailing, sending flowers etc....It needs to come from within THEM....you will not be able to influence the outcome or decision by groveling, calling, being nicey-nicey, etc.....

The best thing you can do is respect what they say, take what they say AT FACE VALUE....and do NC and work on yourself and try not to think about the "what if" and "will it happen"............because alot of times, it doesn't....but IF it does....you will be in a better/healthier place for it....by taking time for you/respecting his/her wishes....and showing your self-worth at the same time.

[freckles3131]

Well its nice to get a woman's perspective on this. But what is worse, I had already gotten all of her gifts for the holidays, and still have them. So I dont know what to do with them. But I will take your advice, keep in NC, work on myself, and hopefully she will notice, and want to see if I have changed.

 

Ok, let's not jump the gun. Let's see how you feel in 3 wks. from now and then decide what to do with the gifts.

[pjammer]

Ok, let's not jump the gun. Let's see how you feel in 3 wks. from now and then decide what to do with the gifts.

yea I know...but some were pretty personal, and I cant give them to anyone else. One was a scrapbook I was working on the entire time we were together - just the things we shared that i put into words, memories I had of her, and how I really felt about her. I compiled this because I know she loves the little things that I did for her. And this was going to sum up everything. It is just ashame that I couldnt give it to her on a higher note. Right now, I have no idea of what to do with everything I got her. I still want her to have everything, no matter what happens, because I got them for her. I dont want to give them to her with the impression I am trying to buy her back, because that just isnt true.

[pjammer]

While the "dumper" I did "still have feelings for him" Like, "I care, we have a history, but......didn't feel we should be together anymore"

I mean...of course most dumpers will still "have feelings" BUT.....for whatever reason feel the relationship should not continue at this time. Does that mean it will NEVER happen again with this person....that's an individual feeling, but if the dumper is saying "I need time, I need space" That means...don't contact them......respect their wishes...don't call....let them breathe, let them think, let them move on if that is what they want, BUT....by calling, contacting when they are saying, "I need space, time, to be alone, to......whatever" You are NOT respecting their wishes by "bugging" them....which in turn will only do one thing...push them away and p#ss them off.....

Regardless of feelings, non-feelings whatever the dumper may or may not be feeling.....you need to respect their choice.....if down the road/time away from you opens their eyes...then so be it, but it ain't gonna happen by you calling, emailing, sending flowers etc....It needs to come from within THEM....you will not be able to influence the outcome or decision by groveling, calling, being nicey-nicey, etc.....

The best thing you can do is respect what they say, take what they say AT FACE VALUE....and do NC and work on yourself and try not to think about the "what if" and "will it happen"............because alot of times, it doesn't....but IF it does....you will be in a better/healthier place for it....by taking time for you/respecting his/her wishes....and showing your self-worth at the same time.

and you are dead-on here...this si what I did not realize once we broke up. I continued to call her, email her, send flowers, letters, etc. I should have just listened to her wishes. But I am glad that I realized this before I continued to make more mistakes.

[miss snoopy]

PJammer - I don't think there's any point beating yourself up about your "mistakes" - whatever happened, this girl has decided not to be with you and as most break-ups are permanent, there is a very high possibility she won't come back to you. You need to work out how to let her go, and not be so focused on getting her back as you may be setting yourself up for further hurt.

 

I got back with my ex but we broke up less than 2 weeks later. In fact it seems us getting back together and then breaking up made him very certain this time that we're not meant to be. So even if you make some small inroads, if it isn't meant to be it won't happen. I'm sure you have a lot to offer someone else, don't let your mind trick you into thinking that this girl who doesn't want anything to do with you is the only person in the world you can ever love. Even in my lowest periods, I never get into that mindset as it's just a product of very low self esteem and has no basis in reality.

[pjammer]

PJammer - I don't think there's any point beating yourself up about your "mistakes" - whatever happened, this girl has decided not to be with you and as most break-ups are permanent, there is a very high possibility she won't come back to you. You need to work out how to let her go, and not be so focused on getting her back as you may be setting yourself up for further hurt.

 

I got back with my ex but we broke up less than 2 weeks later. In fact it seems us getting back together and then breaking up made him very certain this time that we're not meant to be. So even if you make some small inroads, if it isn't meant to be it won't happen. I'm sure you have a lot to offer someone else, don't let your mind trick you into thinking that this girl who doesn't want anything to do with you is the only person in the world you can ever love. Even in my lowest periods, I never get into that mindset as it's just a product of very low self esteem and has no basis in reality.

Well obviously no one on here knows her but me...and all of this WAS my fault, trust me. I made some stupid mitsakes, and acted inappropriately in some situations that made some of her feelings fade. And I do not blame her for feeling the way she does, even though right now I have no idea how she feels. But I can tell you this one thing - I am not going to just give up. I was not raised to be a quitter, and I myself am a very forgiving person. I am not really beating myself up anymore - I am just admitting my mistakes, and I am really working on them. I know you are saying the odds arent in my favor, and I know that. But I think that if she sees that I have changed for the better, she will reconsider, and atleast let me show her that.

[Guest]

I'm a normal poster, but i don't have time to log in, the write one is what they call me. Anyway, to go back to the NC theory. I did the NC for a month after my girl and fiance dumped me. However, she made it a piont to use my mail and other belongings to make contact with me. I used to live with her.

 

I often ignored her attepts or kept our meetings brief. Then i'd go back into NC mode. After a while she started going crazy, calling me 22 times back to back, interigating me when i did answer, sending me texts and emails saying im mean and rude and never cared about her etc, etc.

 

Well, after a while i broke down and called her. All she did was cry and talk about how bad her life was and how she's been lonely. So i did the lets gets some coffee thing, which developed into another date where we ended up having sex and i told her i still wanted her. After the sleep over i asked her out for another evening. She said she had to think about it...

 

Here i was thinking i made some inroads, but to no avail. So i went back into NC because she said she still didn't know what she wanted. A week later she said she wanted to go out with me, but i said i didn't think she wanted to go with me so i made other plans. However, i agreed to an outing the next night.

 

Once again she flirted with me (hard) talked dirty to me, invited me over her house, (no sex though because she refused) but i did spend the night. I even came over the next night to watch movies with her. We talked she cried and hugged me for like an hour. I just told her i'd wait for her and she said she still didn't know what she wanted.

 

Afterwards, i went back into NC for about 2 weeks because i saw that she was having her cake and eating it too, but i stupidly reached out to her and emailed her a poem i had written last week.

 

She replied saying she was wondering when I would reappear. The emials went back and forth until i again made the mistake of saying i wanted to see or hear from her. Well, she asked through email could we go to the park together, but i didn't respond, becasue she couldn't just come out and say, that.

 

She framed like she needs a quiet place to study and she thought that the park near my house would be good. (BS) Just say, hey i miss you and want to see you.

 

side note: That chic even had the nerve to tell me during out sleep over that she's not attracted to me with the same intensity as before, Meanwhile we're in bed butt naked together. Action speak louder than words in my book.

 

So after i didn't respond to her email, she called me the next night twice. I answered once and said i'd call her back, but i didn't. It's been two days now. Why do i feel so bad about that. I was on the phone with another girl at the time and she doesn't deserve my full attention anymore after dumping me after 8 years.

 

I guess i feel bad becasue i was the one who cut the NC and asked to see her, but I believe she is playing me. She wants me around just as her little safe house, but doesn't want to commit. Finally my question. Should i just contiue NC or call her to show i'm not a rude basterd?

[Jane Doe]

Continue NC!!! You need to put an end to this lunacy once and for all. She should certainly know by now whether she wants you or not.

[aprilrain]

Continue NC!!! You need to put an end to this lunacy once and for all. She should certainly know by now whether she wants you or not.

>>>>>

NC makes her to realize that it is over for you .......and if that is really over for you then continue that.......and just vanish away from her life............ do not even bother to say goodbye she is not worthed...may be she gets over it...may be not ..........but why should you even care for her?

[The write one]

It's been three months since she tore my life apart and I've tried to accept that is was over, but she kept coming back into my life to reap more havoc onto my mind.

 

However, she stopped after our last visit when i told her i'd wait for her. Then i paniced and felt her moving on, so i sent her the poem, which basically called he a loser, but she didn't catch that.

 

I truely hate what this woman has done to me, but it was the only love i ever knew. I often battle with myself to reach out to her or to hate/love her, no side usually wins the war, but my peace of mind is the casualty.

 

You all are right, three months is a good enough time for her to figure out what she wants. but she can't even figure out who she is bi/lesbian or straight, confused or clear minded, a student or a proffesional, Miami, Philly or New York, fiance or girlfriend, communicator or shut off, scared or confident etc etc.

 

This is what i had to deal with the last few years of our relationship. I often thought about breaking it myself, but i just believed in love so much, that i couldn't ever bring myself to do it. She beat me to the punch. All of my family and friends (even my thearpist) have suggested strick no contact, just disappear and let my poem be my final goodbye.

 

They also say it's not normal for a woman to have a good man of eight years leave a great job, city, home, family and friends--basically a man who is willing to chuck it all for them, move into their state and apartment, then leave them when the road of love gets a little rocky, (no cheating or abuse-nothing serious).

 

Her excuse was just that she is confused, that reason leads me to believe that its possible someone else in the picture, but i have no proof. So the battle contiues in my head, but i'm going back to NC, i was doing so well with it until i sent her that poem. I really need to get out of ths GD city of hers.

 

It's just hard for me