A case study in NC- for some who need some motivation

[Jane Doe]

At this point you're just as much the problem as she is. The reason I say that is because you're allowing every bit of this to happen. You have the power to end it once and for all -- if only you'd utilize that power. She's flaky and unstable in all that she does and by you being a part of her life, you're taking on those traits. If she needs to "find herself" that's perfectly fine but you need to create a life for yourself sans her and move on to some stability. You're like a dog chasing its tail here. End it.

[phoenix21]

The Write One,

 

My situation is similar to yours. I made all the mistakes that people make when they're dumped. We beg, cry, and do all the things that show them we're weak. That sh*t doesn't work. I finally realized that if I show her how much I want to be with her and that I'll be there for her when she needs me, why would she get back with me now. Why not go have fun when she knows I'll be waiting for her. I was with my ex for 2 1/2 years, we were engaged, and even bought a condo together.

 

It's been 3 months since our breakup. I did a lot of things that might have just pushed her further away. I should have done the NC right from the getgo. When I started to do the NC thing, she'll make some attempts to contact me. And every time, I would give in to her just like you're doing. Then when things start to get better, something happens. I made my final attempt to work things out about a month ago. I decided to do the NC thing because she said that she's not sure, she's confused and all that stuff.

 

Went 2 weeks with strict NC then she showed up at my church for the last 2 weeks. I would just smile and act happy, but i would keep it really short. About a minute each time. I know that she's checking up on me. I think that she wants to see if she could get a reaction so she knows that she still has me.

 

I don't know how long you had strict NC, but if it's been 3 months since your breakup and you've had contact during that time, she's never gonna know what she wants because she probably doesn't think she can lose you, like my ex. You need to give her time to miss you and see what life is like without you. It may go either way, but at least you'll have an answer. I've learned myself that you don't want her to have the cake and eat it too, and I think that's what she might be doing.

 

I know it's hard. Just keep your head up.

[pjammer]

The Write One,

 

My situation is similar to yours. I made all the mistakes that people make when they're dumped. We beg, cry, and do all the things that show them we're weak. That sh*t doesn't work. I finally realized that if I show her how much I want to be with her and that I'll be there for her when she needs me, why would she get back with me now. Why not go have fun when she knows I'll be waiting for her. I was with my ex for 2 1/2 years, we were engaged, and even bought a condo together.

 

It's been 3 months since our breakup. I did a lot of things that might have just pushed her further away. I should have done the NC right from the getgo. When I started to do the NC thing, she'll make some attempts to contact me. And every time, I would give in to her just like you're doing. Then when things start to get better, something happens. I made my final attempt to work things out about a month ago. I decided to do the NC thing because she said that she's not sure, she's confused and all that stuff.

 

Went 2 weeks with strict NC then she showed up at my church for the last 2 weeks. I would just smile and act happy, but i would keep it really short. About a minute each time. I know that she's checking up on me. I think that she wants to see if she could get a reaction so she knows that she still has me.

 

I don't know how long you had strict NC, but if it's been 3 months since your breakup and you've had contact during that time, she's never gonna know what she wants because she probably doesn't think she can lose you, like my ex. You need to give her time to miss you and see what life is like without you. It may go either way, but at least you'll have an answer. I've learned myself that you don't want her to have the cake and eat it too, and I think that's what she might be doing.

 

I know it's hard. Just keep your head up.

Very good advice, but it really is hard to do. I am in week 3 of NC with my ex g/f, and it is very tough. She hasnt tried to get in contact with me yet, and it is a little disheartening. It has gotten a little better lately, but each day is different. I still know I love her and would do anything to be with her again, but your words are right - you need to give her time to miss you, and if you keep calling/contacting her, she cant miss you, she only realizes she can fall right back to you with no problem. You have to noticeably NOT be there in order for NC to work. I am still hoping and praying it will work for me because I dont want to lose the love of my life. As for me, I love her enough to leave her alone right now, and let her sort things out.

[phoenix21]

It is extremely hard to do the whole NC thing. It does get better over time, especially when you keep yourself busy. I believe that my ex is also the love of my life and I pray all the time that she will come back. I've realized all my mistakes and I am working to better myself. I hope one day I'll get another chance and she'll be able to see that I'm not the same guy.

 

For most of us, our chances aren't in our favor, but i think that has to do with how most people deal with it. I think most people do the typical things and try to force it. They act needy and always want to get back together right away. I was the same way, but that just pushes the other person further.

 

Doing it this way is much harder, but it is the most effective. You just have to be strong and know that it's the only chance you have.

 

Good luck pjammer and the write one

[pjammer]

It is extremely hard to do the whole NC thing. It does get better over time, especially when you keep yourself busy. I believe that my ex is also the love of my life and I pray all the time that she will come back. I've realized all my mistakes and I am working to better myself. I hope one day I'll get another chance and she'll be able to see that I'm not the same guy.

 

For most of us, our chances aren't in our favor, but i think that has to do with how most people deal with it. I think most people do the typical things and try to force it. They act needy and always want to get back together right away. I was the same way, but that just pushes the other person further.

 

Doing it this way is much harder, but it is the most effective. You just have to be strong and know that it's the only chance you have.

 

Good luck pjammer and the write one

Thanks...I did all the mistakes at the beginning too, but after coming on here, I realized that that was not going to do me any good. I have to keep doing what is best for me right now, and stay in NC. I am not going to give up on her, because I do know in my heart that I love her. Hopefully, like you said, she will give a second chance.

[The write one]

I went a whole month of strick NC and she kept calling and fussing me out about how i'm a bad person for not answering her calls and such. Even though i told her i couldn't go from almost married to friends with her, not after having 8 years of a relationship.

 

I already have this false sense of how evil I was in the relationship, and how i must be the scum of the earth if i couldn't even hold on to who i considered a best friend, lover, family member etc etc. I question myself everyday, thinking i was like an abusive husband or something because i just can't wrap my head around why she left. I must have been pretty damn bad if the woman i was with for almost a decade wanted out right?

 

Therefore, when she went "crazy" from me ignoring her, I found myself saying "hey maybe i can redeem myself by responding to her and acting like i could be just a friend toward her, especially since i was looking for another chance.

 

But I followed all of the advice on LS, I stayed away, acted happy, worked and still working on myself, but she kept reaching out to me. When i finally reached backed she pulled away. What kind of freakin mind game is that?

 

It pisses me off, because this woman tells me she loves everytime she's seen me since the break up and then turns around tries to act like "Oh i'm not that into you anymore."

 

I thought a month of stricked NC was long enough to allow her to be without me, but not in my case. Why does she want to hang out with me if she is so "done" with me...I'm too old and tired to play these games. When i tried to use my power and dissapear, she put the guilt trip on my hard, check out my previous posts if you want to read some of the stuff she threw on me.

 

I guess i just have to end this in my own head, even though i want her back, i'm realizing that this isn't about what i want anymore. I can't control a damn thing in terms of getting her back. I just believed that the bond we had was so strong that it would bring her back to me automatically. What a freakin joke.

 

NC it is, but how do I you get rid of that huge feeling of guilt I have of being a bad person toward her. do i have to show her my "F*** You" side to win her back?

[Scruffy]

When i finally reached backed she pulled away. What kind of freakin mind game is that?

 

It pisses me off, because this woman tells me she loves everytime she's seen me since the break up and then turns around tries to act like "Oh i'm not that into you anymore."

 

do i have to show her my "F*** You" side to win her back?

 

Sounds to me like she wants to know if you are still "waiting" for her to come back. That way she knows if someone else doesn't work for her she always has you to turn to. Just be careful when you reach back don't mention anything about the relationship. Let her do the talking about that. Maybe you said something that scared her away when you made contact again.

 

Man I know what you're going through with the feelings you have like you were abusive towards her. I get the same feelings myself. Just try not to run yourself into the ground so much.

 

Just keep working on yourself. That could mean a variety of things. Get a new better paying job or set a goal for yourself. Workout and get into better shape. That will show her what she's missing out on!

[gonetildecember]

 

It pisses me off, because this woman tells me she loves everytime she's seen me since the break up and then turns around tries to act like "Oh i'm not that into you anymore."

 

I thought a month of stricked NC was long enough to allow her to be without me, but not in my case. Why does she want to hang out with me if she is so "done" with me...I'm too old and tired to play these games. When i tried to use my power and dissapear, she put the guilt trip on my hard, check out my previous posts if you want to read some of the stuff she threw on me.

 

My original post: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t104325/

 

I've only been NC for about 5 days.. but I know exactly what you mean. Before I started NC I would see him weekly and he would always want to spend time with me (on his own terms- never when I called) and would always tell me he loved me and missed me as his girlfriend- but maintained that he didnt want a girlfriend again yet..like that I don't understand.

 

I'm hoping that this NC and me giving him space will make him realise what we had, but I hate these games... if I don't answer- he'll get mad and if I do, he pulls away.. what AM i supposed to do?

[The write one]

I don't say anything about the relationship to her. But while we were both lying naket in bed together (the second time), i said "It seems like we're still atracted to each other"

 

She replies, "I am, but not as intensely"

 

Then one night when we were out together, per her request. I asked if she wanted to go out with me to a haunted house in two weeks. She comes back and says "I don't know, i have to think about it, but i'm leaning towards yes. I'll get back to you on that"

 

That hurt like hell to hear, becasue she said she doesn't do anything but sit in her house and cry, but i accepted it. After a week or so went by and i didn't hear from her, so i made other plans with somebody else. A few days before we were supposed to go out, i get this BS email "Hey are you still thinking of going to..." from her

 

I knew she wanted to go in the first place, but she has to keep throwing up these walls i guess to let me know its over between us. If its over and you don't want me then leave me the hell alone, being friends is one thing, which i said i wouldn't do but sleeping with me, kissing me out of the blue, saying she's attracted to people like me, asking me out on dates, having sex with me, flirtin, hugging and talking dirt to me doesn't give that impression you know.

 

She's full of sh** and doesn't know how to communicate her true feelings. I often allow her to take the lead in the conversations, just to see where her head is at. But this girl is so aloof and mixed up i often come away more confused than before. It's all mixed signals. Have you ever seen the movie: The many faces of Eve. Well its kind of like that with her. It's like she is battleing herself.

 

It's either or with her, she loves, she loves me not... I'm just going to have to stay away until one or the other personality wins. Who is she trying to convince here. Are her actions of affection, which i couldn't get while in the relationship, just left over residue from our relationship or what?

 

BTW, the holidays and her b-day are approaching, Should i send well wishes or forget she ever existed?

[gonetildecember]

I knew she wanted to go in the first place, but she has to keep throwing up these walls i guess to let me know its over between us. If its over and you don't want me then leave me the hell alone, being friends is one thing, which i said i wouldn't do but sleeping with me, kissing me out of the blue, saying she's attracted to people like me, asking me out on dates, having sex with me, flirtin, hugging and talking dirt to me doesn't give that impression you know.

 

 

BTW, the holidays and her b-day are approaching, Should i send well wishes or forget she ever existed?

 

In terms of the mixed messages I can relate- I'm often left confused when he out of the blue says he loves me without me saying it, when he spends an entire 12 hour period lol laying in bed and watchin movies with me and when he sporadically calls and just wants to talk for 6 hours.. then the next second.. doesnt answer my calls, doesnt call for a week or so.. how are we supposed to read that?

 

The B day question I can't help you there.. i know I want to with my ex.. but according to the NC experts.. not a good idea. NC means NC

[Guest]

There is only one way to deal with mixed signals and playing games and that is to walk away! Full stop!

[gonetildecember]

There is only one way to deal with mixed signals and playing games and that is to walk away! Full stop!

 

Easier said than done. Unfortunately mixed signals to a lot of ppl generate some hope.. which is why it makes it harder to just walk away. Full stop!

 

But im trying...

[The write one]

I believe the mixed signals we're getting is kind of like this: There's this ugly chick or guy who loves you more than anything, you don't want them, but you keep them around so they can continue to boost your soured ego. You keep them around just barely though by thowing them an occasional flirt, but you ultimatley want to aviod them, until that person you are really after does you wrong.

 

It's like we are ego comfort zones, and we must break this riduculous cycle. I know in the movies at least, once the four-eyed nerd with pimples galore, realizes his true purpose to the hot chick and leaves, the hot chick then pursues...

 

Someone discribed my situation like this, If you ever had a dog, you noticed when you give a dog a bone and it is done with it, it won't throw it away, however, it will just leave the bone in front of its dog house, completely ignoring it, UNTIL another dog or whoever comes along wanting a taste.

 

The dog then makes sure its presence is known...Not to compare us to dogs, but that sound about right in my case

[gonetildecember]

I believe the mixed signals we're getting is kind of like this: There's this ugly chick or guy who loves you more than anything, you don't want them, but you keep them around so they can continue to boost your soured ego. You keep them around just barely though by thowing them an occasional flirt, but you ultimatley want to aviod them, until that person you are really after does you wrong.

 

 

Someone discribed my situation like this, If you ever had a dog, you noticed when you give a dog a bone and it is done with it, it won't throw it away, however, it will just leave the bone in front of its dog house, completely ignoring it, UNTIL another dog or whoever comes along wanting a taste.

 

The dog then makes sure its presence is known...Not to compare us to dogs, but that sound about right in my case

 

 

Thanks for at least making me laugh lol.. The mixed signals thing is crazy.. for me they are usually pretty strong.. soemtimes he's completely into it.. sometimes its liek he's running in the other direction...

 

And you're completely right... in additional to all the drama taht has happened where I think he just needs time to put things into perspective... i attribute it to..his interest level.. when i was chasing him he knew i'd always be aaround.. and he tested that theory several times.. im trying to use NC to show him that if you take something for granted... you might lose it one day.. im hoping the NC will encourage him to shape up.

 

It's a risk.. but what else do I have to lose at this point?