Old Flame can u be friends

[Over?]

My SO of a year is jealous of my boyfriend. My old boyfriend was the love of my life but we broke up because we were going different ways in life. The old boyfriend has a child that I am very close to as we lived together for 5 years and his son w/ us. My ex and I are friends. We talk on the phone about once every 2 weeks. My ex told me about 2 weeks ago that he really needs to talk to me. He knows that I getting ready to move in w/ my new boyfriend. My ex has told me he still has feelings for me. I love my new boyfriend, but he was not my first love nor was he my whole life. I have many things in common w/ the new man, we love each other and we want a life together. My ex did not want a life together. He cheated on me behind my back the last 6 months of our relationship and now I don't think I could go back to him ever. What can I do to give the new relationship a chance. I care for the old ex and his son. I am confused.

[Tony T]

There is no good reason for meeting with your ex. All your business with him has long been completed and if he has some sort of problems he can talk them out with other friends or a professional counsellor.

 

Frankly, you need to sever all ties with him as you evolve into what can be a very fulfilling relationship with your "new man." The fact that he still has feelings for you means he has not moved on. That will NOT ever happen until you stop talking or seeing him for a period of time.

 

Now, there are a few things about your post that trouble me...maybe they're Freudian slips...maybe they're nothing.

 

YOU WRITE: "I love my new boyfriend, but he was not my first love nor was he my whole life."

 

What do you mean by this? You use the past tense when you say he was/is not your whole life. It's not really important that a person you love is your whole life, matter of fact it may be kind of a negative thing, but this slip implies you are not deeply in love with your current guy. Are you or are you not? If not, do you feel this could happen in the future?

 

YOU ALSO WRITE: "I have many things in common w/ the new man, we love each other and we want a life together.

 

In the above quote from your post, you call your boyfriend "the new man." Not a real endearing reference to someone you might love a great deal. I get the impression that this love may still be evolving and you hope your feelings will intensify.

 

You have also made a very compelling argument in your post that a relationship with the ex is totally out of the question...so I think you are being rather cruel, probably unknowingly, by talking to him and giving him hope. I know men, I am one, and they always hold up hopes of getting back with past loves...especially when they are lonely or without much social involvement.

 

These two issues I bring up do not affect my opinion that you need to break it off with your ex completely. Your involvement with him could screw up your current or future relationships and you do not need to give your ex any hope whatsoever. Just cut it off...totally...for your benefit and for his.

 

Once you make a clean break, things may come into better focus for you and you will no longer suffer the confusion you do now. You will be much more able to assess your current relationships unemcumbered by memories of the past which are dredged up in phone calls every two weeks with the ex.

[Ed]

Without knowing more details about this whole story, my feeling is - your ex is making a last ditch effort to get you back, undermine your new relationship, throw a kink in things and just generally confuse you.

 

This guy is off his rocker. I agree with Tony. I think you should cut off all communication with him. It is very likely he is out to cause you trouble with any new, serious relationship you enter into. He may even be using the relationship you have/had with his son to get to you.

 

Tell him he missed his first chance with you when he cheated on you, he missed his second chance by not telling you about these feelings sooner and, now, he has missed his last chance to be friends with you by pulling this last-minute bullsh:eek:t. How many chances does he expect to get? How many are you going to give him?

 

There is only one appropriate reason for him to reveal these "feelings" to you. It's for you to know, beyond the shadow of doubt, that you and he are not friends and he does not intend for you to ever be friends. If he were a friend, he would be glad you have found someone you care about and be supportive and respectful of your other relationships. End of story.

[yes]

what tony and ed say sounds reasonable, but i'd be worried about the kid ... if u all lived as a family for 5 years, he probably sees u as his mother almost... how old is he? would it be possible for you to keep in touch with him without talking to your ex?...

 

just some thoughts...

-yes

[velvet]

Its not your fault that you lost the kid with the r/s. Daddy cant keep his hot dog in his pants and he never will. Once a cheater always a cheater is my moto. He does not deserve to hear your voice on the phone much less every week or two. Nope, cut all ties and brake the ties with the kid too. Maybe take the son out a couple times just you and him. Take him to the mall or out to eat just so the kid will understand years down the road that your intentions were good and he will respect that.

 

Your ex! Theres no need to keep in touch. Once he falls in love again he wont think about calling you. You have someone good in your life now, turn all your energy and focus on him. Dont look back at your ex. Theres nothing good back there. Sure carry the happy memories with you, but realize that hes not a faithful person and did not respect you or his marriage or the thought of loosing you to someone elese.