How do you get it back??

[what2donow]

Hi everyone. I am in need of ideas/advice on how to reconnect with my H. I had an EA a few months ago, ended it, told H about it and now we are in MC, but we just can't seem to "connect" anymore. We are able to talk about everything that has happened--he says he can understand how I got "caught up" with OM. We don't really do anything together and other than a few similar interests, we just don't seem to have that much in common. We have 2 kids and I want this to work out for them. I know they don't deserve to have their home broken up.

I've tried to come up with ideas of things we can do together, talk about and plan for, but for some reason, I'm blocked. We never really had a list of activities before, travelling was our main connection. Now with kids and finances, we aren't able to do that so much anymore.

Does anyone have any ideas/suggestions of things we can do, as a couple, that might help us to feel like a team again? I really appreciate any ideas.

[Pink_Tulip]

Having been in your spot several years ago myself, I will tell you it's hard, but it can be done very successfully. If you are at a point where you recognize and acknowledge your mistakes in the relationship that led to the EA, and he recognizes and acknowledges his mistakes, and you can openly talk about them without anger and resentment, it is all down hill from here. At least in my experience.

 

How is your sex life? Increasing frequency might help, as well as simple things like watching a movie or TV together after the kids have gone to bed- with lots of cuddling and physical contact.

 

It sounds like you are getting along and the foundation of the friendship is strong, you just need to put that 'spark' back in. Thats my advice. There are a few other women on here who have been through the same thing, I am sure they have some great advice as well.

[Moose]

Find a good Church home. One that has a Sunday School Class designed for families under construction.

 

If you're not, "religious", check into a hobby or class that you'd both enjoy.....

[what2donow]

Thanks Pink -- we have done that some. I've suggested to him that we rent some comedies so we can laugh together again. He says ok, but he's been "too tired" to do it yet. Our sex life could be better. Back in the day, the norm for us was 2 to 3 times a week. Now, that's about it in a month. Feels a little forced on my part, but I know it needs to happen. It's always been difficult to feel intimate if he's been working allot and I don't see him much, and now that there is no connection, it is really hard to reach out.

 

Moose, I'm in a rural area and we don't even have a Bible Study group at our church. With his work schedule (alternates between working days and nights), taking a class together is pretty much out. He doesn't want to pay for something he won't get full use of!

 

Any other ideas anyone??? PLEASE!!!

[luvstarved]

Well, I have a couple of suggestions. I hope they will help.

 

One is...maybe taking a relationship workbook and doing the exercises from it. That will help to ignite conversation and should help promote mutual understanding and appreciation if nothing else. My H and I took the emotional needs assessment from marriagebuilders.com, for example, and found it a very interesting and good way to reconnect in some way.

 

Now, because it isn't always all fun and games doing relationship talk, and fun and games needs to be in there, too...another idea that my H and I have been using is to travel locally. That is to say, where we live, and I imagine most places, there are lots of things around that are touristy that we had never really explored. Museums, parks, historical sites, etc. We look around for some spot we like or have not yet been to and go to them. Also, we look for local events of interest. For example, there was recently an outdoor food festival a couple of months ago that we had a blast at.

In general, try to find some way to work on the "friends" part by going out on this type of date. This gives an opportunity to communicate without it being about the relationship which can sometimes feel like work. My H and I sometimes go to the movies, too, but as this is less of an "interactive" thing, we usually don't unless it is something we are both very interested in seeing.

 

Best of luck to you and your family...

[whichwayisup]

You need to find the qualities that made you fall inlove with him when you first met. What was it about him that caught your attention? Focus on that and make sure you make HIM feel special and loved.

 

Have fun together!! Just go out on dates, get a sitter and enjoy a night out, whether it be a nice dinner, or dancing, playing pool, going for a massage, as long as you two are together.

 

And that day you spend together should be a day for you two re-connect without bringing up your emotional affair. It's a place to start - And grow from.

 

INCLUDE eachother more in your life, little notes etc...Make him lunches, bring home flowers once in a while - Be spontaneous too! Spice up your sex life too, make it more passionate.