Life after cheating? (somewhat long)

[dvorak]

Hi all, I've been somewhat of a reader here but I've never been a poster. Well, here's my chance to do it.

 

To preface, I'm a 20 year old male who has been seeing my girlfriend for nearly two years (a year or so of exclusive dating followed by one year of official dating) by the end of the month. I feel that we lived out relationship to the fullest. She always came first for me - I always chose her over friends, money, etc. etc, I would literally do anything for her. Her friends would constantly joke about me being a perfect specimen, a perfect boyfriend, almost too good to be true. Apparently (and unfortunately), they were right.

 

About 2 months ago I went out with a friend and, long story short, after a lot to drink I found myself cheating on my girlfriend. I feel that in a situation like that, most people look to examine on "why". Truth be told, I don't know why -- if I said it was because of the way too much I had to drink, or that I felt I needed physical attention do to a somewhat stagnant sex life that comes with the comfort of a long-term relationship -- then I feel that that would just be a cop out. There's no excuse for what I did; it is inexcusable and unjustifiable.

 

The following days after it happened I was sick to my stomach with remorse. It was an unhealthy cycle that transitioned between throwing up and crying. I honestly couldn't believe what I did. The sick thing is that it made me realize even more how much I care about her, and how much she means to me. I feel as if it almost had to happen for me to figure this out, and for me to realize what I've done wrong. Just like we mold our life through mistakes, experiences and lessons, I feel that this was one of those trials that I had to learn and experience myself. I hate myself for it and wish I never did it, but it's something I did and that I need to face up to.

 

I confided in the friend I went out with (and my room mate) and he told me that he couldn't tell me what to do in a situation like this, but whatever I decided to do, he would back me up on it. That is when my second shortcoming kicked in; I decided not to tell my girlfriend immediately. Why? I wasn't willing to lose her and I just kept trying to convince myself that what happened meant nothing and I was protecting her by not telling her, by not hurting her. I was quite frankly being unreasonable, stupid and ignorant.

 

But I couldn't live with myself knowing. For about 2 months I tried to convince myself that what I was doing was right for us, and that it was protecting our relationship by her not telling her. That if no one knew I could just go on pretending as if nothing happened. But something did happen, and I had to face it. I just couldn't hug her or hold her without thinking about what I did. I just realized it wasn't fair. Fair to her, our relationship or even myself.

 

So three days ago I decided that once and for all, I would tell her. I'm sure there may have been a very good chance that she never would've found out, but I just had to tell her. I had to let her know what I did. I have known, since the day I met this woman, the consequence of telling her what I did. I know I was throwing my relationship away, but I couldn't live without her knowing; I would rather not be with her and have her know than be with her and not have her know. She deserved that. She deserves more than that. The thought of it makes me so sick I almost want to laugh, by trying to prove to her my honesty I forced her to see my dishonesty. Knowing that what I was about to tell her would end us made it, physically and emotionally, the most difficult thing I have ever done.

 

Now its 3 days later and I'm a wreck. While I thought she would've walked out of my life by now, were still talking. Still discussing what I did, why I did it, and the pain it has caused for both of us. I begged her to forgive me, I explained to her the hurt and the pain that all of it was also causing me (I cannot even begin to imagine what shes going through). Honest to God, though, while I want her to take me back, I'm more concerned with proving to her that what I did was wrong, that I'm still the same person, and that I will never do that again. I would rather have her move on knowing that I am not a bad person, that I care about her even more, and that I made the worst mistake in my life and learned from it. I would rather have her know all that than to take me back. I only really, truly care for her happiness.

 

Now, I want her back more than anything. I want things to go on and get back to how they were and I believe that if we get through this together things will be stronger and better between us, but I want her to be happy most of all. And if that means walking out of her life to help her get over me, then so be it. She deserves it.

Finally, though, I asked her if we still had a chance. Her answer? Maybe. She doesn't know, I broke her heart and she needs time to think and clear her head and truly see if I care about her as much as I say I do. I have no choice but to give her the break and the time she needs, and to just be there for her.

 

 

 

 

FOCUS: Is there life after cheating? Everything I've said is 100% true and I am just praying she knows that. Has something like this ever happened to you? How did you handle the situation?

 

Also, she may want to take a break but I want to be there for her and prove to her that she can still trust me or to show her that I am willing to do whatever and all it takes to earn back her trust, no matter what it takes. However, should I give her her space? Should I let her figure these things out on her own? Lastly, ever since she's known me I've been a smoker. The first step to proving to her I truly care and that I want to earn her trust again is to quit smoking (as she has always hated the habit). I haven't smoked once since they night I told her and I plan to continue to not do it. We may never be together again, but at least she'll know I wasn't lying.

 

 

 

Oh, and whoever coined the phrase once a cheater always a cheater needs to seriously reconsider. I've cheated once and I've learned my lesson. It created one of the worst experiences I have ever been through and I look around at friends that do cheat and do not understand how they're not instantly crushed by remorse. The phrase may be true with some people, but I honestly believe some people (like myself) learn from it and change.

 

 

 

Thanks for taking the time to read.

[norajane]

I want things to go on and get back to how they were

 

Things won't ever be exactly the same, but you can certainly go on and have a good relationship. It sounds like you are doing everything you can to reassure her that you are truly regretful of what happened and that she is special to you.

 

She is going to be hurt for a long time, even if she does forgive you and wants to continue your relationship. Be prepared to deal with her anger, disappointment, hurt, etc. Be there for her when she wants to talk, answer all her questions fully.

 

Don't give up, and don't "give her space" unless she requests it. She might need your reassurance and presence now more than ever - for some reason, we seek comfort from those who hurt us when it comes to infidelity. Or she might need you to back off. Either way, let her tell you what she needs.

[dvorak]

She has requested some space and some time to figure out if what I say is true, so I plan to give it to her. I just also want to show her that I won't give up on us too.

[Guestxyz]

Since I'm the opposite of you guys, a girl that has been cheated on, it's hard to feel any sympathy for you. You guys have much to make up for, all the pain, disbelief, misery and self-doubt that you've caused. You realize you've caused her a lifetime of baggage and distrust with yourselves and possibly nice guys?

 

Funny how people never appreciate what they had until they lose it.

[shoesies05]

I am on the other end of this, something very similar to this hapened to me. I was engaged and my fiance cheated with a girl on a business trip, so i know what you and her are going through.

 

If she requested space definetly give it to her because if you dont it may only put her back right to the palce where she first found out and her emotions and state of mind will not get anywhere. Let her know though that you are there for her, reassure her of that; she needs it. You have to try to understand that she needs her space to figure out what to do.

 

Real problem you have is though: why did you do it? i know you might say you dont know why- and having a reson why doesnt make it like an excuse. Dont lie to yourself. Usually things like this happen for a reason otherwise people woudl cheat on eachother left and right, u know? You need to look at the relationship and if you were really happy. You also need to really just work on yourself emotionally right now, you cheated even though u love her. doesnt that just wave a red flag that something's not right? Either with you, the way you feel, or whatever. Just look inward for a while, it will make you better able to heal.

 

If you end up trying to work things out just try to be supportive of her through whatever she is going through. Dont change who you are though to make her happy, that isnt needed. She fell in love with the you that you are already so dont change that. Try to understand when she in paranoid, jealous, angry, hateful, crying, or distant. anything, just be there for her and really try to put your feelings aside ( at least until shes through crying or yelling) and listen and help her cope.