Confused and hurt!

[Geewhizz]

Hi this is the first time I've posted on this site. I'm a bit confused. I met this wonderful guy over the internet and we have been on 2 dates - the 2nd of which was to his house and I stayed the night. We had a great time and things were a little *hot* to say the least! In the morning, we were chatting and I asked him if he thought he would be my boyfriend, he replied 'I think I will'. So that was fine, but it wasn't made official.

 

From the start of this week, things have cooled off, not a lot of text messages or phone calls and he's made it clear that he doesn't want a relationship with me, due to rushing into his last one. Then today I asked him 'do you fancy me?' and he said 'I'm sorry I don't'. This has messed me up completely and I can't stop crying which you probably think is pathetic.

 

We were planning to meet up as friends later this week but now he thinks its going to be a bad idea until I can get over him. I want to be his friend but he doesn't think it will work because I fancy him. I feel so stupid and I don't know what to do! I thought things were going well and I've just told my parents and friends that I'm sorta seeing someone. Now its all fallen flat on its face. What should I do? I can't stop thinking about him and now he's ignoring me. I'm totally desparate for some help and I need him so badly!!! Please please help!!!!!

[Tony T]

YOU ASK: "What should I do? I can't stop thinking about him and now he's ignoring me. I'm totally desparate for some help and I need him so badly!!!"

 

Don't do anything. The more you do the more you will screw things up. I mean do NOTHING!!! Calling him, emailing him, etc. is only going to be an annoyance right now.

 

I have no idea who told you that two dates, one date and an all-nighter, were a good basis for a committed or long term relationship but whoever it was he or she was way off the mark. I don't understand how you could possibly in your wildest imagination think this.

 

You're problem is you have come on to him wwwwaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyy too strong and way too soon. The Internet is very nice for chatting but until you have in-person dates over a period of time you will never know the direction you want something to go in.

 

Time and time again, people come to this forum with the identical problem and results you have set forth. They just don't know how to proceed at a pace that shows a willingness to learn about the other person and not be such an easy catch.

 

There is nothing in the world more unattractive to most men than for a female to ask to be his girlfriend after a second date...or after spending a night with them extremely early in a relationship. There is also not much excitement about a female asking a guy "Do you fancy me?" in that short period of time.

 

YOU ALSO WRITE: "I'm totally desparate for some help and I need him so badly!!!"

 

There is no room in the world of romantic love for desperation. And there is no bigger turn-off for a man than a woman who is "desperate for him" or who "needs him so badly" just after meeting him in person.

 

I think what you did is build up some horrifically powerful images of a relationship with him in your mind when you were carrying on over the Internet. Remember, the mind cannot tell the difference between that which is real and that which is imagined. But reality does know the difference. What you have conjured up in your mind has no relevance to the real world or reality itself. In the future, try to dismiss any preconceived notions about a guy or circumstance until the whole thing is firmly based on 100 percent pure, in-person reality, NOT on the Internet or cyberfantasy.

 

What happened to the days when people dated, got to know each other well, before they hopped in the sack? I guess that's a silly question. However, I hate to be the one to tell you this but most men do not attach nearly the significance to going to bed with a female they have recently started dating than do many females. In other words, to most men, going to bed with a female does not usually mean the relationship is cemented.

 

What can you do? OK, as far as this man goes, you have no choice but to back off big time and cease all contact. Let him make the next move. And when he does, if he does, don't jump hoops. For Pete's sake, take you time. And don't go to bed with him again for a few months...that is IF he calls.

 

You can also learn to take your time with guys. If you meet a guy you really like and the chemistry seems great, don't see that as an opportunity to fast track to the altar. Take your time, let a friendship develop, don't jump into the sack right off, and let the mutual fondness evolve. That's your only hope of finding a truly meaningful relationship.

 

But you may just have to keep on doing what you're doing until you learn because you may not be likely to heed my words here. But print out my post and read it each time this happens so maybe you will one day learn.

 

I'm not trying to be a smart ass here. I know what I'm talking about because I used to do EXACTLY what you did and I had to do it more than a few times before I realized there was "something" I was doing wrong. You now have the results of my findings.

 

Good luck! Change your tactics now...or change them later! Your call.

[clia]

Yes, what Tony said! And also...

 

For future reference, never ask a guy to be your boyfriend. You wait for the guy to bring it up so that it goes at his pace and he thinks he made the idea up all on his own. Don't go to his house on the second date (or the third, or the fourth, or the fifth...) Don't shack up so quickly. Guys will take what they can get. You, as the woman, need to maintain the boundaries.

 

And no matter what you think, you don't want to be friends with this guy. You want to hang out with him enough so that he realizes what he missed and wants to be your boyfriend. That isn't going to happen. He is absolutely right when he said it won't work because you fancy him.

 

Guys don't like girls who are needy. You don't need this guy. You've only been out on two dates with him! What did you do prior to meeting him? Go back to doing that. You don't need him. You need to be dating more people if you are losing your mind over a guy who dropped you after two dates. You had a fantasy relationship with him in your mind (and online), not a real relationship. You are wasting your time losing your mind over a fantasy relationship. Get out there and date others! Find some hobbies! Take a trip! Get a manicure! Go to the spa! Take a class! There are many fabulous ways to spend your time instead of crying over this guy. Don't give him the satisfaction.

 

Don't worry about what your friends or family thinks. Just say that things didn't work out. Who cares? It happens all the time.

 

And of course, don't call, e-mail, IM, or initiate contact in any way. Make other plans for the night you are supposed to get together with him. If he calls, tell him you made other plans. If he calls in the future, tell him you are busy, busy, busy. Don't ask how high when he tells you to jump. Set some boundaries, girl!

[Bill]

From Tony

"And there is no bigger turn-off for a man than a woman who is "desperate for him" or who "needs him so badly" just after meeting him in person.

"

 

Maybe for you Tony, but not for me. This guy obviously just used her for those two nights. If a girl showed interest in me like that, I'd be there.

 

There is probably someone else this guy is seeing. He just wanted sex from her, and that is probably all he wanted. I'm sorry to say that there are a lot of these people all over. Not just on the internet, but in clubs, bars, and even the mall. You can't say one location is any different than another. Yes, the internet is a little bit different than meeting someone in person, and yes, you can tell if you like someone better in person. The internet is a good meeting place for people that are shy, but we need to take it slowwww for the first few dates, because that is where we get to see if the text matches the person. If it does, great. If it doesn't, then that's not the person you want.

 

I really hope you didn't sleep with him on the second date. If he did all this right after that, you know what he was after, and he got it.

 

The only thing you need to realize is that he used you. Do you need someone badly that used you? There's many more guys out there that would treat you so much better. I know I would, but then again, what single girl lives in New Jersey?

[Tony T]

As in everything else in life, there are exceptions. But the vast majority of men would be repulsed by a gal who was desperate for him soon after meeting him in person.

 

I think you ought to send this gal a private email and let her know you are available because there aren't a lot of guys like you.

 

I'm not saying anything's right or wrong here. To each his own. But I am unconditionally guaranteeing you that the vast majority of men DO NOT go for desperate women...and it works the other way too.

 

Most people are sickened by desperation.

 

Your post seem to go along with everything else I said. You might try putting the part you objected to into context with everything else you agreed with.

 

I still like you, though. Appreciate your input and your thoughts.

[Bill]

I didn't know you had a nation wide study on this, my fault.

 

Just remember, don't generalize. We ALL like to do it, but I realized how much I was doing it before and it's not right.

 

I'm just trying to offer advice, don't attack me for this

 

It's just that you try to speak for all the guys in the world, like you know most of them would feel a certain way or not.

 

Just Think about it.

[Geewhizz]

Hi guys thanks for the advice, I realise I have been quite stupid, getting so emotionally involved so quickly but I guess we can learn from our mistakes!

 

Well, the guy in question phoned me tonight and he's started to say that yes we can be friends. You'll all say I'm a fool for doing this, but we're meeting up at the weekend........

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: "I didn't know you had a nation wide study on this, my fault."

 

There is no nationwide survey and I didn't even imply there was one. These were statements based on my experience, just like I stated in previous posts above.

 

YOU WRITE: "Just remember, don't generalize. We ALL like to do it, but I realized how much I was doing it before and it's not right."

 

If you read my post carefully, you will see that I DID NOT generalize. In my very first words above, I said "As in everything else in life, there are exceptions." My unconditional guarantee that the vast majority of men would be repulsed by this kind of availability still stands and is an unlimited warranty.

 

YOU WRITE: "I'm just trying to offer advice, don't attack me for this"

 

Find an attack in my post and I will wire $1 million into your bank account. There is a big difference between commenting, disagreeing, debating....and attacking. If I attack somebody, they will absolutely know it. What I write in this forum is for the benefit of everybody, including myself. I learn something all the time. I do not attack anyone. Before you take something as an attack, read it carefully. There is great value to debate. It clarifies, strengthens all parties, and makes the world a better place. Attacks do not and you won't find me doing that.

 

If you are prone to feeling attacked by other people when they criticize you, you may want to work on self esteem issues. I completely respect and have a very high regard for your opinions. I hope you will show me the same courtesy without getting yourself all worked up about my views. My views and ten cents won't even pay the sales tax on $2 worth of cow manure.

 

YOU WRITE: "It's just that you try to speak for all the guys in the world, like you know most of them would feel a certain way or not."

 

Read again. I don't speak for anybody else in the world but myself nor would I ever try to speak for all men. But my opinion is that the VAST MAJORITY of men will not respond positively to the kind of behavior this lady has described.

 

Now I will grant you that a certain number of buttholes may accomodate her for a certain period of time for the purpose of extracting as many sexual experiences as they can from her. But they will not want a genunine, for real relationship with a lady who throws herself at them so quickly.

 

I also have dozens of books, including research, whose authors completely agree with what I have written. I have cited the titles many times on this site but will not do so here.

 

But, again, your opinions are always great. Just don't take this message board so personally. Be nice to yourself and when people make comments about what you have written, as they do about my own so often, don't upset yourself. I don't think there has been anyone here who people have disagree with more often than myself...and I very often learn from those posts.

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: "Well, the guy in question phoned me tonight and he's started to say that yes we can be friends. You'll all say I'm a fool for doing this, but we're meeting up at the weekend........"

 

No, I don't think you're a fool at all. You're just a human being who wants love, just like all of us, and you have to set your own course and learn from your mistakes. Just please learn from them.

 

Just remember, he said you can be friends...but you are wanting more. Somethings got to give somewhere down the line. Either you have to give up the idea of romance with him...or he's got to come over to the romance side. Be kind to yourself and protect your feelings. I caution you to move more slowly.

 

I wish you great luck. I remember the days when I didn't listen to anybody either. It's OK!

[Geewhizz]

Thanks for wishing me luck! I think I'm going to give up the romance side as he said in his phone convo tonight 'well its back to the drawing board for me'. Unless he decides I'm a total goddess and wants to be with me, I'll back off and leave well alone. Its up to him if he ever wants anything more, I can't force it! Thanks again for the advice everyone!

[Bill]

To each his own.

[velvet]

He said its back to the drawing board? To you? On the Phone? I find that so offensive. Why not keep his mouth shut? He was driving it home by saying that. You acted like what? It didnt bother you?

 

So he wants to be friends for any future flings with you. Your going to pretend to be his friend in hopes of a relationship.

 

 

Its fine that you two will hang out together. Its good idea to get know each other first before anything elese comes about. Dont see him too often. I would back off completely, let him do the phone calling and dont stand by the phone, never, ever!

If he wants to hook up dont always be there for that either. Take things slow because he is very rude and can cause damage to you. You should only treat him the way he treats you. So in other words be a total bitc_ and play all the head games you want.

[BeReal]

Geewhizz,

 

Don't try to be his friend if you know you cannot. If you think you can switch to friendship, be very careful. He will likely try to get it on with you again. He probably thinks you will be a friend with benefits. Don't let him use you this way. He has told you he doesn't fancy you. Take his word on this and if he tries anything with you, step back and remind him you are friends not lovers. If he has a problem with this then his true colors are showing. If he tells you he wants something romantic with you, be wary and make sure to take things really slow. If he really is interested in you he shouldn't have much of a problem with that. Don't go into a friendship with hopes of more or you will likely end up frustrated and disappointed. If you decide not to be friends, cut off all contact with him. Rely on your true friends for support and keep busy. In time you will feel better.

[Geewhizz]

Hi again.

 

Yes velvet, I was insulted when he said that and I went silent on the phone, then he suddenly said 'sorry are you OK?' I acted like it didn't phase me that much.

 

We're meeting tomorrow and I think he is thinking that I'm going to be a friend who will be willing to have the odd fling with him, such as 'comfort sex' but I will try my best to steer clear of all that as I know that things don't work that way, and without being stereotypical of us females, most of us want a relationship out of sex, whereas men are happy to jump into the sack and forget about it!

 

We're aiming to have a good laugh tomorrow anyway, and hopefully we will become very good friends. If something romantic develops, it does, if it doesn't, it doesn't.

[clia]

"If something romantic develops, it does, if it doesn't, it doesn't."

 

It's not going to. Please don't fool yourself. Please, please, please! I have been where you are. I have hung around and tried to convince myself that *being friends* was fine, but it wasn't. I always wanted more. And he didn't.

 

Your guy has told you in plain English that he doesn't want a relationship with you. Listen to him. To be stereotypical myself (LOL), many times women say that men are *so* confusing and they don't tell us anything. They DO! The problem is they often don't tell us what we want to hear, so we write it off. We need to listen to what they are saying. Guys know what they want, and most of the time they tell us.

 

Your guy has told you.

 

I'm not saying you can't be friends. Maybe you are strong enough to be able to pull it off. But having been there, let me tell you that you might be setting yourself up for a world of hurt. Just be aware of that. Don't spend a lot of time thinking about him, contacting him, or trying to think of ways to see him. Date other people. Stay busy. Stay objective, no matter what he says to you. Protect your heart!

 

This dating stuff is hard sometimes...

[Geewhizz]

I know I probably am setting myself up for some hurt but I do really want to be his friend! It is 100 times better than not being in his life at all! We'll see how tomorrow goes. I am not expecting it to be easy when I see him but hopefully we'll get through it!

[velvet]

Why do you want to be his friend? Do you want to be buddy buddy with him or do you want to be cuddley?

 

I dont know why you would want to be friends with a jerk? Even he knew he was rude when he asked if you were okay.

 

What do you want out of this guy? Love is not going to happen!

You do know that dont ya?

 

So lets say you two have a good time tomorrow? What then? Becuase guys dont care to have female friends unless they come with benefits. Girls like to hang out with guys. Guys dont like to hang out with girls unless potential botty is involved.

 

So just figure out what you want out of this guy. He used you, what can you get in return? Good luck on the friendship. Realize that no exclusive r/s will come from this for a very long time if the by chance he decides he wants a r/s with someone.

 

Be a bitc_! Dont be sweet to him. He doesnt deserve anything less than some bad treatment. If he says something that makes you mad again, because considering how soon it has been since the whole intiamte incident happened pop him. Deck him and walk off.

[Geewhizz]

Well we met today and had a wonderful day together. The first thing he did when he saw me was give me a kiss and then held my hand. He doesn't seem sure of what he wants so he is going to try and clear his head of everything, then decide what he wants from me. At least we're going to be good friends.

[jimthzz]

and has moved on.

 

He trolled for you on the internet, you gave him some sex and now he's not interested.

 

I think he's have wanted more sex, but you blew it as far as he's concerned. He was willing to tell you whatever was necessary to get your legs open, and would have liked more of what you gave up to him, but not as a "boyfriend".

 

Didn't you know that's how it's done on the internet?

 

Sorry to be so blunt.

 

Go get checked for STDs and be wiser in your love life.

[Geewhizz]

Thing is, we didn't actually go as far as having full sex!

[jimthzz]

Are you saying you did not have intercourse?

 

Did you do something that involved orgasm, intimate body parts being touched?

 

If you did, you had sex my dear.

[Geewhizz]

OK, well your opinion of sex is different from mine! It did involve intimate body parts being touched yes and orgasms. We just didn't have sexual intercourse! The same happened last night when I stayed with him!

[Bill]

Are you in any way related to Bill Clinton?

[velvet]

What is it you want from this forum? You are going against the advice we give and you continue to have sex with this person.

[clia]

I thought you decided you just wanted to be friends with him???