What are the rules for meeting someone on the internet?

[Bill]

What are the rules for meeting someone on the internet. I was using one of those internet date finding sites, and this girl contacted me. Well I've talked to her two times now and she wants to meet me in person. I live about 10 miles from her. What are the rules? I do not want to be hurt again.

[Tony T]

If you're looking for some rules for love that will keep you from getting hurt, you're on the wrong planet...for sure!!!

 

Dating someone you meet on the Internet is not all that much different from any other kind of dating. But if there are any rules, they are certainly different for a guy than they are for a gal. A female has to be extremely cautious that the person she's meeting from the Internet is a nice guy and not wanted by the law, violent, etc. So I guess as a male, don't go out of your way, but do whatever you can to reasonably make your gal comfortable about meeting you.

 

It's a good idea to meet in a public place the first few times. An outdoor restaurant, a food court...those sorts of things are appropriate. Once you've met, the protocol is the same no matter how you met.

 

To keep from getting hurt, you ask??? HA! Well, nobody wants to get hurt...but I would say the best way to TRY to avoid that happening is to pay attention to warning signs, move slowly, get to know the person very well over a period of time before falling deeply...and even then there are no guarantees.

 

Hey, you've only talked to this girl two times so far. It's a good sign she wants to meet...but be warned there's also a good chance she works a lot of guys over the Internet and is looking, just like everybody else, for her ideal mate. What are the chances you may be for her and she for you? Who knows? But just be aware she is only two chats from being a total stranger right now. Don't put a lot of thought or emotion into this at this point.

 

If you're looking for rules to avoid getting hurt in love, maybe you ought to go out for an evening drive...alone...and just forget about it. Or perhaps get a nice dog.

[clia]

1. Get her phone number if you don't have it already.

 

2. Call her, if you haven't already.

 

3. Ask her out for a weeknight. If you want to keep it short to scope her out, ask her to meet you for a drink or coffee. If you want to make it a little longer and more like a real date, ask her to dinner (or lunch). Don't ask her to a movie. Don't ask for a weekend night date initially. Meeting during the day on Saturday or Sunday is fine. Girls view weekend night dates as a Big Deal.

 

4. Either offer to pick her up, or if she feels safer (since she doesn't know you and all), offer to meet her there. Whichever she prefers.

 

5. Pick a place that is convenient for her. Don't take her to a fastfood place. Try not to take her to a chain restaurant, but it's fine if you do. (Much more impressive to take her somewhere unique!) I don't care if you don't know her area as well. Look on the Internet or ask around to find a good place. Figure out how to get there on your own. Don't ask her. (Girls like a planner!)

 

6. Show up a few minutes early. (She will think you couldn't wait to meet her!)

 

7. Wear something nice. (Not jeans.)

 

8. Don't bring flowers or anything corny like that.

 

9. Try to compliment her on something.

 

10. Even if she's not quite what you imagined, smile and try to have a good time.

 

11. Pay for both of you.

 

12. At the end, if you want to see her again, tell her thanks and that you'll call. Maybe go for a hug if you feel like she likes you, but nothing more. If you don't want to see her again, tell her thanks for a good time. Be sure not to say you'll call.

 

I assume you have already seen her photo? Good luck and let us know how it goes!

[clia]

If I knew how not to get hurt, I'd write a book and be a millionaire!

 

It's a risk you take whenever you meet someone. You never know what's going to happen, but as they say, you gotta be in it to win it.

 

Keep your eye out for first date red flags. Such as:

 

Does she talk about her ex?

 

Does she complain a lot?

 

Does she belittle other people?

 

Does she appreciate what you do for her?

 

Does she seem depressed/moody?

 

Does she spill her guts about her dysfunctional family?

 

Does she drink a lot?

 

Does she seem to have no goals in life?

 

Is she rude to the waiter/waitress?

 

Does she talk about other guys/sex?

 

Is she dressed super provocatively?

 

etc.....

[Bill]

Thank you Clia and Tony, you both have provided excellent help. And Thanks Clia for your step by step analysis. I guess I should talk to her on the phone before meeting. She did send me a picture after I sent mine. The phone would be a good idea Thanks.

[Tony T]

Clia:

 

I really enjoyed your list of the behaviors a guy ought to look out for in a female he's just starting to date.

 

Would you mind posting a similar list of the sorts of things females look out for in males.

 

If you would be so kind, I would love two lists. A list of danger signs women look for...and a list of good points as well.

 

I promise you in return if I win the lottery tonight ($35 million in Florida) I will do something special for you in return.

 

Thanking you in advance.

 

Tony

[clia]

No problem, Tony.

 

Many that I listed for women can apply to men as well, but there are, of course, additional ones to look out for. (This is more my realm since I date men!)

 

These aren’t necessarily hard and fast rules for me, but I’ve found they are good things to watch out for early on. (Hence, the "pink" flag. Depending on the severity, they could be "red.")

 

Early dating red/pink flags:

 

Does he talk about his ex? (might be rebounding, trying to fill a void, not ready to date, etc.)

 

Does he say negative things about his ex? (would you want him to talk about you like that?)

 

Does he monopolize the conversation? (guys who are interested want to know about you!)

 

Does he make an effort on dates? (i.e. give compliments, pick a place, offer to drive, etc.; if not, he might not be that interested)

 

Does he ask you out in advance? (if not, you might be a last resort)

 

Does he call at least every few days? (guys who don’t aren’t that interested)

 

Does he take you to really expensive places right off the bat? (more for the first few dates…most normal guys don’t do this until they know they really like a girl)

 

Does he talk about sex/make sexual references? (some joking is fine, but too much is icky)

 

Does he grope you early on?

 

Does he drink a lot?

 

Is he “too smooth”? (normal guys say dumb things sometimes)

 

Does he only give you one phone number to reach him at? (might have a girlfriend…guys who like us want to give us all their digits, not just a cell or work phone.)

 

Does he brag about his material possessions? (does he have anything else to offer…like a personality?)

 

Does he make comments about “soul mate” and “marriage”? (might be looking only for sex)

 

Does he tip well?

 

Does he treat waiters/customer service people with respect?

 

Does he try to convince you to "go back to his place" or "let him cook dinner for you"? (might be looking only for sex)

 

Does he suggest "hang out"/rent a movie kind of dates? (this is fine for an established relationship, but too much of this early on might mean that he doesn't want to spend any money on you or make any effort because he is looking for sex)

 

 

Early dating green flags (assuming you like him…LOL):

 

He is cognizant of your comfort level. (i.e. offers you his coat if you are cold, asks if you are thirsty, hungry, doesn’t expect you to walk 20 blocks in strappy high heels, etc.)

 

He compliments you.

 

He introduces you to his friends, family, co-workers, etc.

 

He remembers things you tell him.

 

He’s not offended, annoyed, or bothered if you want to take things slow physically or don’t invite him inside your apartment.

 

He wouldn’t dream of asking you to pay. (early on…not forever!)

 

He acts gentlemanly. (opens the door, helps you on with your coat, etc.)

 

He wants to see you more and more.

 

He asks you out on Saturday night. (Date Night!)

 

He calls when he says he will…and even when he doesn’t say he will!

 

He's nice!

 

These are the main ones I can think of off the top of my head.

 

Hope you win that lottery!

[Tony T]

Clia:

 

Thank you so much for taking the time to make that comprehensive list. I'm going to copy and paste it somewhere on my computer where I can keep it and study it. Makes a lot of great sense.

 

I do appreciate you consenting to my request.

 

Tony

[velvet]

Dont worry about thing. Meeting her is not any different than the people you meet everyday. Theres no expectations or Rules. Just treat this as you would if you were to have dinner with someone you already know. That way it takes away the nervous energy.

 

First thing is first. Thats to ask her for her number and a good time to reach her. When its time to call, use the same method as above so you dont have butterflys in the tummy during the first real time conversation. Like I said it works for me.

 

Have you seen her picture or has she described her physical characteristics? You wont to be sure who or what you will be confronting. If you feel comfortable enough to have a nice dinner spread for her than go ahead and make reservations somewhere after a date is set. If you dont know her well enough to take on that much time, plan on meeting somewhere for a drink. Assuming that you drink, if not I dont know what to tell you. Pie and coffee? From there you have broken the ice some and would be able to tell if you want to call her again.

 

Women like to play it on the safe side and meet somewhere that doesnt involve having to get in the car with someone they dont know from adam. But still offer to pick her up! If she agrees great, if not thats just fine too. You be careful to Bill, she could be a 7' horse of a women that could kick butt. Even if you dont pick her up, wash the car.

 

Dont expect anything but just some lite conversation. If you meet somewhere and you dont carry a cell phone be sure that when you meet up you can identify her. Like she will be wearing a black shirt you will have a blue shirt and describe what you look like so that you dont have to ask every face in the room if they are such and such. If you have a cell phone and its ringing off the hook every minute, turn it off. I have been on so may dates when the his phone is blowing up. And he answers every dang call! Its annoying!

 

After dinner or meeting and the night is young and you feel like you both want to hang out longer have something elese line up. Just in case! You can go on the homesite of the city your in and look up the best hangouts, resteraunts, bands, and things like that in your area. Also ask her if there is any place she would like to go.

 

There are really no rules except to be yourself and play safe.

If I can think of anything elese Ill let you know.

[Bill]

Is it crucial that I talk to her on the phone first before meeting her? I will have to take my car to the car wash as we are in a drought here. If I try to wash it myself, I will get a fine! She said she might be able to see me tomorrow. I have not spoken to her on the phone as of yet. I don't know if she is basing this on looks or what, she saw my picture and messaged back "Oh my god, you are a hottie!". She then had me join a big chat with her friends, in where one of them asked for my picture also. I got another email "damn you're cute!!!".

 

I really don't want to be based upon looks alone. I would not do this, and I would not expect anyone else to. She has described her physical characteristics, as height, weight, color of hair. My cell phone is set to vibrate. It rarely if ever goes off. I'm an electrical engineer, and I DO NOT want to be on a cell phone for more than 5 minutes, so I'm never usually on it. I've been taught what cell phones do to you, and I don't like it.

 

I'm not old enough to drink, and I don't believe I will ever start drinking. Yes, I have tried it, and have been hurt, so I won't go back. I usually for the first date like to take a girl to a nice restaurant, just because that's what I do every date (we all must eat everyday). After that, it might be going to an arcade or something playing air hockey or something. I also like to take them to really nice ice cream shops. A girl will find out really quick that I'm not in this for sex. Any girl that tries to entice me with sex, won't get anywhere. I can't have sex with someone I don't LOVE, it's just not right.

 

I will give her the option of me picking her up. She will find the car pleasing I bet, because it has an mp3 player in it, and she said she likes the same music I do. I'm not a club person. I do like to go to places like skating rinks (if there is not a lot of people, kids etc).

[Angel]

I loved all the tips for Internet dating. I would add one more--be real honest. In addition, tell her/him that if you don't feel chemistry (if this is important) when you meet that you won't be asking for another date; but, it doesn't mean they are not a good person. It is not your intention to hurt anyone.

 

I made a wonderful friend like that. We met, no chemistry, and I was honest---but we've been great friends since.

[clia]

Bill,

 

IMO, it is crucial to talk on the phone before you go out. Don't you at least want to have some idea what she's like before you commit to an evening with her? E-mail can be totally different than real life.

 

And...setting up a "first date" over e-mail is kind of...well...tacky.

 

Call the poor girl! Girls like phone calls from hottie guys!

 

Your date suggestions sound fun!

 

 

(Velvet...you picked up one of my missed pink flags---cell phones! Ugh! I hate it when I'm on a date and a guy's cell phone is ringing off the hook. If he shuts if off, cool. If he answers? Eh. I don't like that so much...)

[Bill]

Will do . Thanks for the advice. You are absolutely correct.

[BeReal]

This sounds backwards but I just wanted to point out that sometimes when you give a person your number then they can easily find out where you live. This may not be good if the person turns out to be a little crazy. My point is you or she actually might feel safer meeting in a public place before a phone call so you can easily disappear if need be. If you feel comfortable, I think a phone call first is a good idea.

[Angel]

I would add one more thing--okay 2 more things: ask them how long it's been since there last relationship and how long that last relationship lasted (believe me---you don't want to be the rebound fling) and when they tell you what they "enjoy doing" (moonlight walks on the beach, concerts, etc--typical for men to tell women cuz they know that's what they want to hear)----ask when was the last time they did these activities. My X (a cheat and a liar) listed himself on an Internet dating service after we broke up with: NO GAMES---only those interested in a lasting relationship. He listed a zillion things he likes to do (and in 3 years he did none with me because he didn't have a dime) and received 64 answers from women around the world---even young gorgeous women. Little do they know that he couldn't buy them a hot dog and a large coke----but, he was "pretty" and they all buy into it----okay--I did too, but I have learned. Just be careful and don't believe anything until you see it at least twice. I am sure this goes for men too! There are liars out there!

[Bill]

I called the girl and we get along great! We have setup a meeting for Sunday. She is going to bring a friend along. I told her I understand, because it's meeting someone from the internet and you have to be safe. She was fine with everything. We're on for this Sunday!

 

-Thanks

[Paulie]

You cannot avoid getting hurt altogether, unless you just stop dating altogether...stop worrying