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This is the first time I'm talking about this issue on a forum and I kindda expect what kind of comments I will get, but I am still quite lost and just gotta vent. Sorry for the long post though.

 

I'm 25 years of age now, still living at home with my parents. I am more than capable of moving out and just get on with my life, but I hestitate to do so...yet I don't know if this is a good idea. Life has just been chaos for the past 15 years.

 

Ever since I was little my parents fight all the freaking time, screaming, shouting, throwing things, and when I was young I didn't understand the reason. I just knew from my (Chinese) background, lots of kids used to get physical punishment from parents, and it was a part of growing up. I, however, was physical punished till the age of 18. Until I finally went nuts and ran away for a week. Things got better but the verbal and mental abuse did not stop.

 

When I was 10, when my family almost fell apart, I saw my mom trying to commit suicide. I couldn't stop her, but luckily she was ok afterward. She had a terrible life, her husband did not treat her well, her daughter (me) did not treat her well.

 

During high school, my mom would beat the crap out of me because of very trivial matters...because I want to dress a certain way, becuz I didn't clean up my room as neatly as she wants, becuz I didn't help out enough with housework, becuz my school grade weren't good.

 

I often felt depress, my temper has never gotten any better, but worse..which affect my way of communicating with other people. I cried alot, people think i wanted attention. I cut my arm a few times because I couldn't let the pain out. I woke up from nightmare in fear that she'd suddenly storm into my room and beat the sh*t out of me before telling me the reason. I started skipping classes because other kids often make fun of me, they think I have issues. I went to school counselor for help but it didn't really help...in fact...he got so upset the fact that I was beat up and almost wanted to call the police...I had to LIE to him saying that I was only trying to get attention and all the stories were made up so he wouldn't call the police....if he did, they'd send my mom to prison and the whole family will collapse. It was my fault that I got beat up because of the way I was.

 

They maybe right, until this date, I still stuck with them, not because I love them, but because I feel that I am obligated to do so. I know if I move out, it only means that I don't love them, they'd never think otherwise. I pay them half of my pay check every month and that's still not enough.

The screaming and shouting did not stop.

 

My relationship life was fxxked up, I'm constantly feeling depress. I admit of trying to commit suicide many times, I'm not sure if it's because I wanted attention, but I just can't deal with it anymore. Today, I don't feel like hurting myself. I think I just want to vent. I don't love myself, I want to end.

Yet, I've spent many years blaming them, blaming myself for all the happenings...but at the same time, I know alot of people had it worse than me.

 

I couldn't let it past me. But I can't cry anymore. I fxxked up many relationships, and it seems like the guys I'm dating are getting worse and worse. The current guy I'm seeing now, although I know it's not gonna last, refuse to even hear my problems because it brings him down. I know it's very tiring, who would want to be with someone with so much emotional baggage? And when I got depress and told him about my problems, he thought I wanted attention and make things up. I may want attention but I do not want the sympathy. Does he really think that I want that kind of attention? I may want that when I was 18, but now, I realize so much too that, it's just so ashame to tell others of the things happen to me...in fact, it only makes me look more vulnerable and people just take advantage of that. I don't want to look like someone whom is so helpless. I want help, but I don't want to be a burden.

 

I felt like I can't trust people anymore, I can't really cry anymore.

I felt that, honestly, at age 25, I've become so tired of everything. I had fun, and yet everytime I try to have fun, I was made to feel that its' wrong.

My parents still get upset at me because I come home late, and now my mom wont' even talk to me for 2 days because of that. I am so tired of trying to make her feel better, because in her mind, I'm never good enough. To her, I dont' care at all, and that I am only too spoiled.

 

Maybe I am, I am selfish, I don't have to will to help out in the house, I feel sick enough already that they request me to pay them so specificially every month. They deny that but every once a while my dad would hint. I worked almost 70 hours a week for 4 months, he did not care. All he cares about is the money I bring home.

 

But maybe that's not true either.....they're not as bad as it seems...at least they're still there when I need them...

I don't know why I'm posting this..I guess I do feel depress..

I don't know what to do with my life. I have a degree, I worked for few years now, and I just recently lost my job because of financial restraint of the company...I guess that added to it...

 

I know I should also get rid of my bf, whom doesn't like listening to me, and cry everytime he gets upset at me. I know it's my responsiblity to take care of myself and why do I date someone like that?

 

There are people who care about me, but I'm lost.

I have no goal, I don't know what to do.

I used to just want to work hard, have a career, and have my own family someday.

Now, I don't know anymore. I can't trust men, I don't trust relationships.

I don't trust anything.

 

Sometimes I just want to just get away and not care anymore, but I know I'd feel even more guilty and I might regret it if I just move out.

I don't know how to communicate with them...I get angry so easily now, I can't even control it.

 

Sometimes I wish I can get my memory erased so I can start everything all over again.

 

I know there are many people out there that has much worse situation than me, yet I can't get past it, I can't let it go, and every once a while I go nuts.

 

I know most people by now would tell me to go get some professional help.

I guess I don't even trust them either.

 

Sorry for this long post, I guess I just need to get it out.

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You can't fix your parents, and you should not take the blame for their issues and problems.

 

You need to take care of yourself first. Move out and get away from all the negativity and harshness at home. Do not feel guilty. Do not feel responsible for their anger or whatever they throw at you when you leave. Your only responsibility is to yourself.

 

Make all the arrangements and then tell them just as you're moving out.

 

And then go and find yourself a good therapist to help you deal with the piles of mental, emotional, and physical abuse that's been heaped upon you your whole life. Get some professional help in dealing with this.

 

Good luck to you.

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Guest:

 

You are experiencing what a lot of young people experience when they come from a family background where there was a lot of hostility (ie between your parents) and that has spilled over into your life (your relationship with your troubled mom).

 

Feeling like you can't trust people is normal in your situation.

 

You are also at the age where you probably feel you should be getting out on your own and starting life, yet you feel enmeshed in your parents' lives and your childhood home situation. And you don't feel like you are getting any support to maybe try your own wings?

 

You didn't mention if you have any friends (not boyfriends). If you don't have any girl friends, you should consider expanding your out-of-home activities to things where you have a chance of meeting just some ordinary friends - people who might become confidantes who can give you little bits of support for your future plans to get out of your home situation.

 

In fact, you might want to consider if dating relationships are really for you at this point. You didn't mention what the nature of your social life is... are you just "hanging out" with people, going clubbing, and stuff? Or do you have any friendships that revolve around things other than the dating scene? Because it sounds to me like you are not happy with your dating relationships and picking guys who only want to have fun and aren't able to provide you with practical support.

 

Anyhow I know what you are going through. I was in a similar situation when I was around your age and unfortunately, I chose to enter into a longterm relationship with a guy who really just fed into all the problems I was having with my parents (and mom). My mom also expected me to support her financially (this was not just "paying rent," it was that she was relying on my too much) and then I got into a relationship with a boyfriend who also was vampiric in that way.

 

Another question for you: Do you have any personal savings? Do you have your own car? You need to look at the ways you may be relying on your parents, or expecting them to provide for you, and then take steps to become more independent. Even if your parents are demanding money from you, you can still develop a personal savings plan that will help you get out on your own later.

 

You can stop this, and get out of your family situation gracefully. What NoraJane is suggesting is along those lines, but she may not understand how difficult it is to un-enmesh yourself. It took me *15 years* to realize what I needed to do to distance myself from my enmeshed family. It need not take you that long, but "Just move out" is usually not the first thing you should do. You need to develop a practical escape plan -- a long-term program, really. Platonic friends can help you do that. A therapist can also help, even if they don't have all the answers.

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