Not Sure How to Deal With This

[Me Again]

Well, I started seeing this girl i work with, things were going good, we had started talking about making it a serious relationship, and it seemed as if it was what we both wanted. She told me a few days later that she thought we should give it some time, and make sure we knew for sure what we wanted from each other.

 

She is a University stundent and has gone home for the summer. Our communication is very limited, because we only see each other once a week, and we both work a lot, and as of yet she has not told me if she was still interested in a relationship.

 

Before she left, she asked me to just give her time, and let her figure things out, and to not pressure her, because she would get scared off. It's been a few weeks, i have seen her twice when she came back to work, and earlier this week, she called me just to talk about, well, nothing. She asked me how I was, and kept asking me if I missed her yet (which I do), and a bunch of other things. Anyway, she came back to work last night, and we talked a little, as we were both busy. When we did talk, she admitted that she called me because she missed me, which came as a surprise, because neither of us are very open with our feelings. She game me a big hug when she left and said she would probabally be back on the weekend.

 

Am I wrong to asume, that the phone call was a way for her to let me know that she was interested in a relationship, or was it just a friendly call, that I mistook for more than it was.

 

Is there some way I could find out how she feels, without making her feel like I am pressuring her. I don't want to make her feel uncomfortable, but I also do not want to lose her, because I like her very much.

 

Any Help would be greatly appreciated, because I'm Stumped!

[Tony T]

YOU ASK: "Am I wrong to asume, that the phone call was a way for her to let me know that she was interested in a relationship, or was it just a friendly call, that I mistook for more than it was."

 

It is always wrong to assume anything. You either confirm the information with the person communicating with you or you just lay back and say nothing. In this case, say nothing.

 

Wow, you would like to put WAY MORE significance to phone calls than is "called" for, pardon the pun. The phone call was just a way for her to say a friendly "hello", nothing more.

 

YOU ALSO ASK: "Is there some way I could find out how she feels, without making her feel like I am pressuring her. I don't want to make her feel uncomfortable, but I also do not want to lose her, because I like her very much.

 

Well, to answer your question, yes and no. Don't ask or say anything to her regarding a relationship or how she feels. She's already gave you a good indication she's not wanting that right now.

 

Just pay attention to her actions. She already knows how you feel and, while I'm at it, don't go overboard in continuing to show her how you feel. Just be cool and be yourself. If you pay attention and use your cognitive abilities, you will be able to tell from her words and actions if she REALLY cares. However, if you are inclined toward self deception, don't use this technique...that is, if you're inclined to read a lot into things that really may not be there.

 

Your best bet is to back off, become aloof, and just be nice to her. Don't call so often, don't email so often and let her start having a desire for you. If you are there all the time, the fires of passion cannot develop.

 

She's probably a pretty sharp lady and doesn't want to rush into things. I urge you to be just like her. Don't even care if she wants a relationship or not. If it's going to happen, it will at the right time. Just cool your jets.

 

If after a few months you get no signs from her, then tell her you're not interested in JUST being her friend, you want more. Then tell her for the sake of protecting your emotions you must not see her for a while. That will be a telling moment. If she cares for you, she will buckle right then and there and let you know. If she doesn't, she'll let you move on down the road.

 

Hopefully, she will tell you she cares (or that she's not inclined to go in that direction) before you have to take the above sort of action.

 

No matter what you want, no matter how much you want her, the ball is in her court and you have to respect that. If she doesn't want you rushing things, don't.

[Ed]

Don't assume anything.

 

The only thing you can rely on is what she has told you. If you don't understand what she says or what she means then ask her to clarify her statements. What she's told you so far sounded pretty clear to me.

 

She has told you she is not ready for a serious relationship with you right now. That doesn't mean she doesn't want to talk to you and it doesn't mean she doesn't want to go out on a date with you. It just means she is not ready for a serious relationship with you right now. The best thing you can do is play it cool. I know you don't want to loose this girl, but believe me, there are other ladies out there as good or better than her.

 

There is nothing you can do to insure she becomes your girlfriend, but there are a lot of things you can do to screw things up. She wants to know that you are not hung up on her. She wants to know you are not a wimpy little puppy waiting around for her to throw you some scraps now and then.

 

At this point it would be best for you to develop some other interests, in women and otherwise. Keep yourself busy with other dates or other things. She has spoken the ultimate truth to you and done you a great big favor by telling not to pressure her because it will run her off. Take this to heart and apply it, with her or any other lady you date.

 

Just let this relationship go the way it will. Don't try to force conversations or meetings. If she asks you again, "do you miss me?", don't give her an answer. Whether you miss her or she misses you doesn't mean a whole lot if she is not willing to make the time to spend with you.

 

It's not easy for a young guy trying to court, what he thinks is, a promising prospect. You have to be aggressive, confident, lighthearted and versatile. The only problem with being a man like this is that you'll find that you don't have much time for wishy-washy girls.

 

Good luck to you. Have a good Summer.

[BeReal]

What is it about a serious relationship that scares her? What are your expectations in a serious relationship? Did you bring up the talk of a serious relationship? Has she been in a serious relationship before? Maybe you are just moving too fast for her. Perhaps she would feel more comfortable if you continued from where you left off, taking things one step at a time. You could ask her "I don't mean to pressure you but how will I know when you have decided what you want?". If that opens up a line of communication then you could talk to her about taking things slow etc. I'm not sure if I am understanding this situation correctly. It sounds like she likes you but is uncomfortable with something.