amaysngrace Posted November 16, 2006 Share Posted November 16, 2006 I feel stupid putting this into writing, but it's a wound that goes deep for me. My sister is 3 years older than me, and she's a very pretty girl. The problem is, she flirts bigtime. It's like she gets herself off by baiting male attention. At family gatherings, she always plants her fat a** into the head of the table, front and center, ya know? She keeps mostly quiet, because she's exceptionally BORING, but tries hard to engage the men in eye contact. I've seen her do it too many times to name, but to give a for instance on how sick this is, she captivated our FIRST COUSIN at my aunt and uncle's house. This was so disturbing to me, and I could sense my cousin's new wife's discomfort. She has flirted with every man I've been involved with, to include my exH. It use to piss me off majorly, and I use to be mad at the BOTH of them, actually. I've never approached her with this, because she has a tendency to become extremely defensive if you point out her faults. She is a very close-minded individual. The holidays are coming up, and I know it won't be long before my family meets my new BF. This thought, her flirting with him, is causing me a great deal of anxiety. I'm not sure what I should do. My BF is a pretty understanding guy, and is very respective of my feelings. Still, how do you tell a guy not to flirt with a pretty girl if she is determined to do just that? I'm afraid I'm going to show my weakness to him. And I positively dread the day it comes about. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted November 16, 2006 Share Posted November 16, 2006 I would be honest with him about this longstanding issue. He should be forewarned because IMO most men dislike this kind of desperation and subterfuge -- they respond to the flirting because they think it is authentic and are unaware of the compulsive need for attention from men that is usually behind this kind of behavior. Just tell BF that your sis tends to compulsively seek attention from men. Being forewarned he can come up with his own defense to her weird behavior. It's cool to open up about your relationships with family members. Makes the person you're involved with feel like they are more a part of your life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author amaysngrace Posted November 16, 2006 Author Share Posted November 16, 2006 I would be honest with him about this longstanding issue. He should be forewarned because IMO most men dislike this kind of desperation and subterfuge -- they respond to the flirting because they think it is authentic and are unaware of the compulsive need for attention from men that is usually behind this kind of behavior. Just tell BF that your sis tends to compulsively seek attention from men. Being forewarned he can come up with his own defense to her weird behavior. It's cool to open up about your relationships with family members. Makes the person you're involved with feel like they are more a part of your life. THANK YOU SOOOO MUCH! You made me feel so much better. Link to post Share on other sites
typical Posted November 16, 2006 Share Posted November 16, 2006 Just tell BF that your sis tends to compulsively seek attention from men. As the wise Otter states, that is what I would do. I would say it just like that, explaining that she gets a bit desperate when she isnt in constant supply of male attention, and her behaviour gradually declines and becomes somewhat obscene in these situations. Tell him that you feel a little embarrassed for her and uncomfortable for the object of her desperation. I would lay off on recanting every episode in full detail complete with full on bashing. You dont want him to pick up the jealousy vibe. I wouldnt want to mention the jealousy part to him though. You just never know what type of man thrives on that fascinating little pearl of admission. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted November 16, 2006 Share Posted November 16, 2006 Dealing with your bf isn't so hard. As BO said, just tell him about it, maybe in the context of describing your family prior to a visit: My mom will want to feed you triple helpings of everything, my Uncle Joe will have too much to drink and will start singing at the table, my sister always needs to be the center of attention and will flirt with you and every other guy at the table, and my Aunt Mary will start telling stories of when she lived in the hippie commune after college... The bigger issue is how you can resolve your feeling about your sister. Personally, I would either try to see it from a humorous perspecitve...there she is, flirting again! Or maybe from a pity perspective...poor Susan, she just can't get over her self-esteem issues and always needs to be the center of attention. Find another way to look at it that allows you not to take her flirting so seriously or with anger. Link to post Share on other sites
Author amaysngrace Posted November 16, 2006 Author Share Posted November 16, 2006 Thank you both Typical and NoraJane. I know it's wrong for me to feel like this towards my sister. But it goes beyond jealousy...it's a rivalry thing. We've always been in competition with each other although we are about as opposite in our lives as you can be. She passes a lot of judgment on me. Because I'm me. And she's like a fraction older than me. I am the youngest of six children. Neither of my other sister's would do this to me, and they're older than her. They accept me. Enjoy my company even. She and I have never been close. I don't know how I'm suppose to find humor in this, although I do like that idea, NJ. I really feel like avoiding it all and not inviting him. But at the same time, I want him to get to know my family. I'm sad. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted November 16, 2006 Share Posted November 16, 2006 You can't see how funny it is that she just must be the attention whore to the point where she has to flirt with your pimply first cousin? (ok, maybe he's not pimply, but come on, that's so over the top!) Lots of comics have become successful by taking their family's traits and caricaturizing them - turning them into something bigger than life and exaggerating them. Your sister's need has nothing to do with you - it's her own needs that she's filling and feeding with her exaggerated flirting. Just laugh at it, because you'll never change it and it's no reflection on you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author amaysngrace Posted November 16, 2006 Author Share Posted November 16, 2006 You can't see how funny it is that she just must be the attention whore to the point where she has to flirt with your pimply first cousin? (ok, maybe he's not pimply, but come on, that's so over the top!) Lots of comics have become successful by taking their family's traits and caricaturizing them - turning them into something bigger than life and exaggerating them. Your sister's need has nothing to do with you - it's her own needs that she's filling and feeding with her exaggerated flirting. Just laugh at it, because you'll never change it and it's no reflection on you. You are so right! I took it personally for all this time and it really wasn't about me afterall. Cause like you said, she did it with my cousin. That proves it! Thank you so much norajane! You've really opened up my eyes! Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted November 16, 2006 Share Posted November 16, 2006 Grace, you've received EXCELLENT advice here so I don't have much to add but I did want to say this. Please don't exclude your b/f because of this. It will make him feel left out and it will let your sister win in a sense. See what I mean? You be the bigger person and I'm sure your b/f won't take the bait if he has good character. So talk to him and then GO together and have a great time! Link to post Share on other sites
Author amaysngrace Posted November 16, 2006 Author Share Posted November 16, 2006 Please don't exclude your b/f because of this. It will make him feel left out and it will let your sister win in a sense. See what I mean? Thank you Touche. You're right as well. I'm not about to let her ruin my good time. Heck, it's my family too! It's just been her's longer. Link to post Share on other sites
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